Practice to Deceive

by Olivia Evans

  There were times when I’d think about the person I’d become after catching Terri with Matt. I’d remember the way I treated my family, my friends, hell even total strangers, and how none of those people deserved my anger and resentment or my bitterness. I’d always been comfortable with who I was as a person. I obeyed the law, was faithful to my girlfriend, loved my family, and supported my friends. I’d never been ashamed of myself or the decisions I’d made. But now? The gnawing guilt, shame, and embarrassment? How could I really expect to move forward with my life, a life with Skylar, when there were so many lies woven into our foundation?

  The more time that passed, the clearer the answer became. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to tell Skylar the truth, and I would never be ready to lose her if or when I did. As one day faded into the next and April came to a close, so did my ability to deflect and avoid the things I feared most.

  I leaned against the brick front of the library, my leg bouncing. I’d been on edge ever since I’d talked to Jared earlier. It was his birthday, and some of his friends were throwing him a party at the fraternity house, where Matt currently lived. Jared told me he’d run into Matt a few weeks ago, said he told Matt how things had changed between Skylar and me. He said Matt didn’t seem surprised or angry, just resigned. I wasn’t sure what that meant.

  There was no way I could go to the party and not take Skylar since Drew and Rachel were also going. So, there I stood, waiting for Skylar to finish up with her study group, nervous as fuck about tonight. Would Matt be there? Would he talk to Skylar? Would some of the guys who’d seen her around the house start asking questions when she showed up with me?

  My head throbbed, my entire body taut with anxiety. I’d been in a few situations over the last several months where there was a possibility someone could make an offhanded comment that could raise questions, but this was different. It was everything I’d avoided. It was all the people who could expose me and take away the most important fucking part of my life, coming together all at once. It was the walls around my lies and deceit closing in around me, pushing in closer and closer until they crushed me.

  “Hey—”

  “Fuck!” I yelled, jerking in surprise when I felt Skylar’s hand on my arm.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, her brows furrowed, her hand tentatively reaching for my arm.

  “Yeah.” I swallowed, my throat tight. “Let’s get out of here.” I wrapped my arm around her waist, her hand sinking into my back pocket. We walked in silence to my apartment, my thoughts drifting to the last time I’d stepped foot in that house. I couldn’t believe it’d almost been a year. And in a few hours, I’d be there again, same scene, but so fucking different.

  Friends I’d laughed and joked with, people I’d considered my brothers, were strangers to me now. I’d withdrawn so far from that part of my life, first because of embarrassment, then because I wanted to keep them away from Skylar.

  It seemed I’d finally run out of luck. Tonight, Skylar was going with me to the very place that set off the chain of events that led me to her. I should just tell her. I should tell her everything. Just like I should tell her I was in love with her.

  Every time I opened my mouth to speak, the words would catch, my mind refusing to allow them to escape. Like saying them out loud would cement me to her more than I already was. It was ridiculous; saying it out loud wouldn’t change anything. But another part of me felt like it was wrong to tell her I loved her. To tell her I loved her with all the lies hanging over us, it felt tainted.

  “You know we don’t have to go tonight, right?” Skylar said as we walked through the front door of my apartment. “I’m sure he’d understand after what happened.” Her voice was off; it was too soft, sad.

  I felt sick. Of course, she thought my apprehension was about going to the place where I’d caught my best friend and girlfriend fucking. I couldn’t give a fuck about either of them in that sense.

  “No, Skylar. It’s not that,” I promised, pulling her into the living room and onto the couch. “C’mere.” She stared for a beat before sliding next to me on the couch and draping her hand across my thigh.

  “I haven’t seen some of these people since last May.” I sighed. “People are going to be drunk, and I don’t want them trying to talk to me about that night. I don’t want to talk about something I’ve put behind me. And I sure as fuck don’t want for you to feel uncomfortable.” Every word I said was the absolute truth, but they still felt like lies on my tongue. I knew my greatest fear of all was exposing myself.

  “I’m a big girl, Brennan. I can handle myself just fine,” she assured me, squeezing my thigh.

  I reached for her hand and threaded our fingers together, staring at the invisible shapes and patterns I traced against her skin with my free hand.

  “You know,” I began, nervously licking my lips. “I don’t want to be with anyone but you. You get that, right?” I kept my eyes focused on the way our fingers twisted and locked together, the way they fit together perfectly. “You mean everything to me.”

  “What’s going on, Brennan? Why are you telling me this?”

  I raised my eyes to hers. I needed to get out of my head. “I just don’t want you to doubt how I feel about you. About us.”

  “And that’s it?” she asked skeptically.

  “That’s it,” I lied with a smile, my chest pinching with an ache like I’d never felt before.

  The rest of the afternoon was spent hanging out and relaxing. We watched TV and later ordered takeout with Rachel and Drew. I caught them staring at me from time to time, both probably wondering about tonight and what would happen if Matt made an appearance. Both had been pulled into my web of lies in varying degrees, but neither was aware of the full extent of my deceit.

  Two hours later, the four of us stood in front of the house, all of us slightly more relaxed thanks to the rounds of shots we’d had earlier.

  “You know,” Skylar whisper-yelled against my ear. “We could just skip this party and go back to my place and make out.”

  “Like hell,” Rachel interrupted with a hiccup. “You’re not leaving me alone with these fuckers.”

  She looped her arm through Skylar’s and took off toward the house. Drew laughed and clapped me on the back.

  “You ready, bro?”

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  We followed the girls toward the house, shaking our heads when we heard them start quoting that idiotic movie again. We’d been there about an hour when Jared finally found me.

  “Dude, there you are,” he slurred, beer sloshing out of his cup and onto the floor.

  “Hey, man. Happy birthday,” I laughed, giving him a one-armed hug. He stumbled forward, his cup falling to the floor as I grabbed his shoulders and stood him upright.

  “Fuck,” he chuckled. “I think I might be a little drunk.”

  I laughed. “Maybe just a little.”

  “Oh hey,” Jared whispered, but not really, because he was loud as fuck. “I met your girl. She’s cool, man. I’m glad we were wrong—”

  “Happy fucking birthday, bro!” Drew yelled, smacking Jared on the back.

  I stood frozen, my eyes wide and frantic as I scanned the faces around me. Not Skylar, not Skylar, not Skylar. Over and over, I inspected the people closest to me, searching for any sign of her.

  “She’s on the front porch with Rachel,” Jared assured me. His face was serious, eyes wide, apologetic. I swallowed hard and nodded. I knew he didn’t mean to say that shit, but that was the exact reason I was so nervous.

  “I’m going to go check on the girls,” I called out to Drew as he led Jared to the kitchen.

  I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I walked out on the front porch and spotted Skylar with Rachel and a couple other girls, laughing and talking. I didn’t recognize any of them, which was good. It meant they probably didn’t know me either. I moved behind Skylar and wrapped one arm around her waist, sliding my other hand down her arm before lacing our fingers togethe
r.

  “Hey, Stalker. I wondered how long it would be before you came looking for me.” She twisted her head so she could look at me. Her eyes were glassy, her cheeks bright red, her smile lazy. My girl was drunk.

  “I’d be a pretty shitty stalker if I didn’t keep up with your whereabouts, now wouldn’t I?” I quipped, leaning down and kissing her.

  “And we both know there is nothing shitty about your stalking skills.”

  “There nothing shitty about any of my skills,” I whispered against her ear, nipping it with my teeth.

  “Well, this has been fun, ladies, but I need to go home so my stalker can do dirty, dirty things to me.” She giggled, grinding her ass against me.

  “Well, hang on,” Rachel cut in. “Come with me to the bathroom, then find Drew, and we’ll all get out of here.”

  Skylar nodded and followed Rachel into the house. I stood on the porch with the girls they’d been talking to, but shit got awkward really fast.

  “I’m going to step around the side of the house. Will you guys let Skylar know I’ll be right back?” I asked, and the two of them nodded and giggled.

  I hurried down the steps and around the side of the house. I had to piss like a motherfucker. I’d just finished and zipped my pants when a hand snaked around my waist and down the front of my jeans, palming my dick. I knew that hand. It was so familiar, but it was all wrong. I spun around, knocking Terri’s arm away and causing her to stumble back.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I hissed, yanking down the bottom of my shirt.

  “Like you don’t fucking know,” she scoffed, her words slurred. She was trashed.

  “I don’t have time for this shit,” I spat and moved to step around her.

  “What? You’ve got to get back to your little girlfriend?” she sneered.

  “Actually, yeah. I do,” I goaded, not one bit sorry for the flash of pain that crossed her face. Fuck her.

  “So, she’s still friends with Matt?” she asked, her brow arched, a cruel smirk on her face.

  How I had ever found her attractive was beyond me.

  “I don’t see how any of this is your fucking business.” I tried to keep my cool, but an eerie feeling of dread crept up my spine.

  “Oh, Brennan. I know you. I know there is no fucking way you’d be okay with your little girlfriend being friends with Matt. You’re hiding something,” she sang, her face twisted, hard, hateful.

  “You don’t know shit,” I growled. There was no heat behind my words. She knew something was off. I wasn’t sure if she knew more than that, but right now, it was more than I was comfortable with.

  She let out a humorless chuckle and stepped toward me, reaching out her fingers and trailing them down my chest. I batted her hand away and took a step back, knocking my back against the side of the house.

  “I know enough, don’t I?” she taunted. “I know that if you’re keeping secrets from her, Mr. Honesty himself, then she must not mean as much to you as you’re pretending.”

  I don’t know what happened next. Only that her words sent me to a place I’d never been before. My vision blurred, my jaw clenched shut, and my body vibrated with anger. One second she was in front of me, my back against the house, the next our positions were reversed, my hands circling her wrists and holding them by her sides.

  “She means everything to me,” I vowed, my voice even, clear, cold.

  “And yet you’re keeping things from her,” she continued, undeterred. “You’re more like me than you want to admit, baby.”

  I released her arms as I stared at her in shock. As pissed as I was, she was right. She was absolutely fucking right. I was like her. I was a liar. I felt dizzy, sick, dazed. Too late, I realized she’d pulled me against her, twisting her hand in my hair painfully and pulling my face to hers. Her lips were too small, thin, and exactly what I needed to snap me out of my haze.

  I ripped her hand from my hair and stumbled back. “You don’t know anything,” I choked, wiping the back of my hand harshly across my mouth, wanting nothing more than to scrub all traces of her away. “Stay the fuck away from me, Terri. I mean it.”

  I spun on my heel and ran to the front of the house, my heart pounding. I looked up just as Skylar, Rachel, and Drew filed out the front door, laughing and smiling, oblivious to what had just happened.

  “Hey baby, let’s go get naked,” Skylar laughed, almost falling on her face coming down the stairs.

  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her so fucking tight, burying my face in her hair and breathing her in until my lungs burned and ached. I needed to feel her, to touch her, to have all of her over all of me.

  “Bren,” she mumbled against my shirt. “Can breve.”

  “What?” I asked, pulling back slightly.

  “Can’t breathe.” she gasped. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, sorry. You just said naked, and I got a little excited,” I lied. For the last fucking time. No more.

  “Well, let’s go, then,” she laughed, hooking her pinkie around mine.

  We said our goodbyes to Drew and Rachel, with me glancing warily over my shoulder every couple seconds. I just wanted to get out of there and be alone with my girl. We caught a cab to her place, and the entire ride was teeth and tongues, touches and whispered promises.

  By the time we stumbled into her apartment, her eyes were heavy, her words softer and softer, her breathing deeper and deeper. She wasn’t going to be awake much longer. So, instead of forcing her to stay awake for my own selfish need to be with her, connect with her, love her, I helped her undress. I put toothpaste on her toothbrush and smoothed the tangles from her hair. I kneeled in front of her as she perched on the side of her tub and wiped the makeup from her face before slipping my shirt over my head and sliding it back down over hers.

  Once I’d carried her to the bedroom and slipped her under the sheets, I filled a glass of water and grabbed some aspirin to set beside her. She’d need it in the morning, no doubt. After brushing my teeth, I popped a couple aspirin of my own, stripped down to my boxers and slid in beside her, rolling over so I could look at her. I smoothed her hair away from her face, the pads of my fingers brushing softly across the skin of her cheek. Her lips were slightly parted, her breaths even, the mint from her toothpaste washing over my face. She was so fucking beautiful.

  As I stared at her, I thought about all of the horrible things Terri said tonight. She was right about one thing—I wasn’t a good person. A good person wouldn’t do the things I’d done. A good person wouldn’t lie to someone like I had. I wasn’t a good person; I was a selfish asshole. Skylar deserved so much more than that. She deserved someone who could be honest with her, someone who was better than me.

  I pressed my lips to her temple, squeezing my eyes tight. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’ve been so selfish and so fucking scared.” I felt the sting behind my lids seconds before hot tears forced their way out of the corners of my eyes, twin trails of wetness sliding down my cheeks.

  “I have to tell you. I can’t lie to you anymore.” My throat closed as I choked on my words. “I’m so fucking scared, but I can’t plan our future without you knowing the past. I can’t drop to one knee and ask you to marry me without you knowing everything. Because that’s what I want. I want forever with you. I’m so fucking in love with you.” I tried to take a breath, but I felt like I was drowning, my throat constricted. “Please, baby, please don’t fucking leave me.”

  “Brennan, what’s wrong?” she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.

  “Nothing. We’ll talk in the morning,” I whispered, my ears ringing, my chest trapped in a vise.

  “M’kay, c’mere,” she sighed, pulling my arm until it was wrapped around her.

  I tried to even my breathing. I tried to stop acting like a pussy and stop crying. I tried not to feel like tonight was the last night I would have my heart. I wasn’t successful at any of those things. Tomorrow was my day of reckoning, and the hurt and pain I’d felt from Terri’s a
nd Matt’s betrayal held no measure to the crack in my chest, the aching, gut-wrenching pain I felt, at the very thought of losing Skylar. I hoped with every fiber of my being that when the dust settled, she’d be able to forgive me. Because if she didn’t, how would I ever survive letting her go?

  There are no secrets that time does not reveal. ~Jean Racine

  April 2016

  I stared across the room, watching the shadows elongate, shift, and morph as the sun lifted into the sky and light slowly filtered through the windows. I’d barely slept, and when I did, nothing about my dreams was sweet.

  Skylar moaned softly beside me, her head burrowing farther into my side. I reached over her and grabbed the glass I’d filled with water the night before, as well as the aspirin.

  “Here,” I whispered, nudging her gently.

  She lifted up on her elbow and reached for the pills with her other hand. After emptying the glass, she raised her eyes to mine. They were red, glassy, and more than a little hungover.

  She winced and slid her body back down, her head resting on my chest. “I feel like shit.”

  “Ah, I’m sorry, baby. Do you need anything? Can I get you something else before I go?” I wasn’t looking forward to my physical that morning, especially after my shittastic night of sleep. I was glad I hadn’t had more than a couple drinks at the party.

  “What?”

  “I have my physical this morning. Remember? It’s the twenty-eighth.”

  “Shit,” she hissed, sitting up completely. “How did I forget that was today? I was going to make you breakfast. You know, load you up first.” She looked down, realizing she was wearing my shirt before frowning.

  “Did you give me your shirt?”

  “Yeah, you were a bit out of it when we got back here.”

  “Ah, crap. I’m sorry. You have your physical today. You shouldn’t have ended up taking care of a drunk girl the night before.” She groaned, falling back against her pillow and throwing an arm over her face.