Dakota

by Karen Baker

  Things were slowing way down for Dakota. “But I’m not alone. For one…thing, I have…you. And you were…always there for…me.”

  Janie screamed into the phone, “Dammit, Dakota, where are you? Please don’t do this, I love you! Please don’t do this to me!

  Dakota took in a sharp deep breath. “I’m with all…the others so…I’m not alone. I’m with Shell.”

  Janie knew exactly where she was. She screamed out of her office and told to a coworker to get the police and paramedics to the Memorial Cemetery right away. “Please don’t do this, Dakota.”

  “It’s already…done…sorry, Janie…please pass a…message on for me…try your best…to convey to Beth…how much she…truly means to me…that this, my death…is about my turmoil…not our lives…together…I never meant to…hurt her…but I have in so…many ways…” Dakota took one last breath. “Tell Beth…I love her…with all my heart…and with every… fiber of my being…Beth…I love you...Beth…”

  A loud sound came from the other end. The phone had been dropped. “Dakota! Dakota! Dammit, Dakota, please don’t! Just pick up the phone, Dakota! Oh dear God, Dakota!” Tears flowed freely from her eyes. Others in the office were gathering around Janie’s office. They knew she was losing not just a client, but a very dear friend.

  * * * * *

  Janie knocked on the front door. She had reached Beth’s house in record time. She steadied herself as she waited for Beth to answer the door.

  “What a nice surprise. Come on in. Is Dakota with you?”

  She took a deep breath. “Beth, sit down.” She was firm in her request, but Beth just stood there.

  “Tell me, Janie.”

  “It’s Dakota. She tried to commit suicide again. It’s serious. She’s at the VA in critical condition, much worse than last time. Beth, there’s no brain activity. Dr. Monroe doesn’t think she’s going to survive the night.” She reached for Beth just as she collapsed. “Beth!” Janie led her to the couch. “Tell me what you need.”

  Tear flowed down Beth’s cheeks. Wiping them away, she asked, “Why would she do this? Again?”

  “I saw this coming, but didn’t put two and two together until she called me. She was so very tired. Tired of fighting the depression, the PTSD, and the voices. You’re the only reason she fought for as long as she did. “Tell Beth I love her, with all my heart, and with every fiber of my being, I love you, Beth.” Those were her last words. She was thinking of you.”

  “No!” Beth sprang up from the couch. “I won’t give up on her and neither should you! Dammit, Janie!”

  “Beth, honey, she’s dead, only her body doesn’t know it yet.” They were both crying, holding one another, trying to make sense out of a selfish act.

  Beth pulled away, grabbed her keys, and headed to the door. “I’m heading to the hospital to be with my lover. She needs me right now. Are you coming with me or not?” She wasn’t about to give up on Dakota, not now, not ever.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  Dakota opened her eyes. All she could see was white. It was so bright she had to close her eyes. “What’s going on? Where am I?” Slowly, she opened her eyes again. Before her stood a figure dressed in white, with a bright light shining from behind, blinding her.

  A male’s voice greeted her, “You’re in heaven now, and I’ve been waiting for you.” The male figure walked forward, allowing Dakota a clear vision of him.

  “Shell?” She rubbed her eyes trying to wipe away the grit that was clouding her vision.

  He stood there quietly, waiting for her to realize what was going on. After a few minutes, he finally spoke, “It took you long enough to get here; I was beginning to worry. I thought you saw me last time, but you just weren’t ready.”

  “Ready for what? Shell, what’s going on?” Dakota was having a hard time realizing what was happening to her. “The last thing I remember was talking with your mother, talking about Beth.” Then it hit her, “Oh no, Beth! Shell, am I dead?”

  Studying her closely, he chose his words carefully, “Dakota, there is a fine line between life and death. I remember when I crossed that line. You were holding me, telling me everything was going to be okay, and, believe it or not, you were right. I would have chosen to live, but it was my time to cross the line. Right now, you are straddling that line. It’s not your time, but you have pushed the timetable up.” He waited a moment before he continued, to give her time to comprehend what he was saying. “You have finally accomplished what you have been trying to do for the last eight years, committing suicide. Congratulations, my friend.”

  Dakota couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Wait, I thought you said I was straddling the line.”

  “Your body doesn’t know that you are dead yet. Give it time, it will catch up. Besides, this will give your family and friends time to say goodbye.” Taking her hand, he led her down a path that appeared from nowhere. “Dakota, it’s really good to see you, but you’ve made a terrible choice. There are so many reasons for you to live. Beth, my Mom, the girls, even the grandbaby you are so concerned about having. You still have too much to accomplish. Too many lives will be affected by your death, lives that you have yet to meet. What I don’t understand is, why, Dakota?”

  “I hurt, Shell. Losing you was just the catalyst of the pain and hurt, but it’s always been there. Enduring the beatings from my father, my parents turning me away because I’m a lesbian, then losing them, and then losing you. I never could escape the pain or the voices. I felt like a tormented soul, never shaking the loss.” Things were finally becoming clear to her. And for the first time in as long as she could remember, there were no voices in her head telling her to kill herself. “This is what I want. To rest. Peace. Finally.”

  Hand in hand, they walked a little further before Shell stopped and turned to her. “But it’s not right, Dakota. Please understand. I’m ecstatic to see you, but…you must go back. There is reason and purpose to your suffering. There are lessons you must teach. People will listen. Active military, veterans, gays and lesbians, and abused teenagers. People will come from far away to listen to you talk about PTSD, mental illness, voices, physical abuse, and being a lesbian. There is a message in your life that must be shared with others. Lives will be, must be, changed for the better, and only you can do it. It’s your destiny, Dakota.”

  She looked deeply into his eyes. What if he’s right? What about Beth?

  Determined to make her see the wrong side of her thinking, he decided to push a little harder. “Do you want to know what becomes of Beth after your death?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “After your bodily death, Beth falls into a deeper depression than she had with the loss of her husband. Mom is of little help to her, and Beth refuses help from anyone. She doesn’t leave the house for weeks, not for work, for family, nothing. She’s by herself, crying, wondering what she could have done differently to save you, and blaming herself for not loving you enough.”

  “But it’s not her fault.”

  “She doesn’t care. And apparently, neither did you. She starts self-medicating on opiates. Soon, within a matter of months, she has completely withdrawn from everyone and everything, despite what everyone does to help her. Within three months, she kills herself, because she can’t stand living without you. Beth dies because of you.” Shell stopped there, letting what he said sink in. “And there will be countless other lives lost too, without you to stop them. You are destined to set up shelters, counseling centers, and safe houses for veterans and abused teens. Without you there to do any of that, people will suffer and die instead. Dakota, don’t let that happen to Beth and the others. You must go back.”

  “Can you give me some time to think about it?”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “How long…”

  “It’s already been seven long, torturous days for everyone. Besides, your body is giving out. You must make a decision, now.”

  “I can’t stand the idea of Beth kill
ing herself because of me,” Dakota stammered. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen. As far as the other stuff you said I would do, I’ll wait and reserve judgment on that. I think I have to go back. I need to go back. I can’t let Beth do that to herself because of me. I can see now how selfish I’ve been.”

  “Good. I’m glad you finally understand. Well, it’s been great seeing you, Dakota. It will be a while before we meet again. Deliver a message? Tell my folks I’m doing fine. And tell Mumps, I mean Mom, that I love her. I miss them, but I’m watching over them.”

  Dakota hugged Shell’s neck. “I really miss you, brother.” She felt the tears spring up in her eyes.

  “I feel the same way. Please, be good to yourself. And remember, I’m watching over both of you too.”

  With that, he turned and walked away, slowly fading back into the bright white light. It was so bright again, she squinted her eyes closed.

  “This can’t be happening,” the doctor said aloud.

  “What is it, what’s wrong?” Beth asked.

  “There’s nothing wrong,” he replied incredulously. “I think she is responding, holding her eyes closed to the light.” The doctor tried to lift her eyelid again, and again Dakota resisted.

  Beth jumped out of her chair and reached for Dakota’s hand. “Squeeze, sweetheart. I know you’re in there, just squeeze my hand.”

  Faintly, she felt the pressure on her fingers. Beth squealed with delight. With tears of joy streaming down her face, she bent down and kissed her lover. “I knew you were still there. I knew you wouldn’t leave me.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  They spent the next several days talking. Dakota explaining to Beth, helping her understand the reason she felt the need to try to end her life, again.

  Beth was finally beginning to understand the intensity of the voices Dakota dealt with, and her need to escape from them. Seeing inside someone’s mind was difficult, but Dakota was doing an admirable job of explaining the voices.

  Beth was lying in the hospital bed talking with Dakota when Janie, Rayne, and Desiree walked in. Dakota, three days out from her seven day coma, sat up when the women walked in.

  Beth was surprised. “What are you ladies doing here?”

  The girls kissed Beth and Dakota. “Didn’t Dakota tell you? She called us and asked us to be here exactly at three o’clock,” Rayne said, kissing her mother’s cheek.

  Dakota took Beth’s hand. “No…I didn’t…tell her…there is a reason…you are all here.” Her voice was weak and hoarse, but she continued. “I can’t live without you, Beth. Just hear me out. Something short of a miracle happened to me while I was in the coma it made me realize how important my life is, how important you are in my life. You are my life. I can’t do the things I’m supposed to do in the future, without you in my life. No more messing around with my medications, only changes made by the doctors. I have to do it correctly this time. I need you.” She reached under the pillow, grabbed the small box, and presented it to Beth. “So, please, Beth, marry me? Be my wife?”

  Beth stared at Dakota, not believing her eyes or ears. “Promise me one thing, sweetheart. No more self-medicating, okay?”

  Dakota just nodded.

  She took Dakota’s face in her hands and kissed her. “Yes, I’ll marry you. I would be honored to be your wife.”

  Dakota slipped the ring on her finger, and kissed her once again. The ring was beautiful, and a perfect fit.

  “Congratulations!” all three women said in unison.

  Desiree continued, “I guess we have a wedding to plan!”

  The girls kissed Beth and Dakota again. Janie hugged and kissed them both. “My girls are getting married.” Tear welled up in her eyes. “I’m so very happy for you both.”

  The conversation got animated from there. Discussions on when to have the wedding, and who was going to wear what, soon filled the room. About two hours later, Dakota fell asleep amidst the chatter. The three women decided that was their cue to leave. As Beth walked them out, she pulled Janie aside before she left. “Can you believe all of this? Where did all this come from?”

  Speaking quietly, so as not to wake Dakota, Janie said, “Something has changed inside her. She even sounds different, more confident. I can’t wait to hear about her experience while she was in the coma. I know how much you love each other. I’m so very happy for you. And I can see the happiness in your face, you’re beaming!”

  “Thanks, Janie. She does mean the world to me. I can’t imagine my life without her. I hope she keeps her promise.” She hugged Janie again before she left the room. “Good night, Janie.”

  Beth climbed back in the bed, Dakota stirred. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” They snuggled close and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

  * * * * *

  Journal Entry #1154

  A lot has happened since entry #1018. I survived my very last attempt at suicide. I may want to try again, but I can’t and I won’t. The most important thing is Beth has agreed to be my wife. A tremendous, life-changing event, and I can’t think of anyone else I would rather marry than Beth. She is my life. Shell tried to convey what would happen to her, and the thought of Beth harming herself was just too much to handle. I need her just as much as she needs me. Now if I can live up to the rest of his foresight, I’ll be doing well. I do have a lot to live for, and having him point it out is what I needed. The thought of changing so many people’s lives is a little scary. I can’t imagine I would have that much effect on others, guess we will wait and see.

  But as far as trying to end my own life, I’m done. I literally saw the light. I’m still in awe of Shell, thinking about how much he has influenced my life. I am glad to still call him my friend. Thank you, Shelby, for saving my life.

  Roger, out.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Three weeks after Dakota was released from the hospital, she and Beth sat in Janie’s office. “So, tell me, how was your week?”

  “We need to talk, Janie.”

  Janie studied Dakota for a moment. “The last time you said that, we talked about Shelby. Then you tried to kill yourself. Needless to say, I’m a bit worried about you going through that again.”

  “It’s not going to happen this time, but it is about Shell. He visited me - or should I say - I visited him when I was in the coma this time. Besides living for Beth, he told me I had things to do, things to accomplish before I died. He basically laid my future out for me, giving me my purpose to live. The voices will probably always haunt me, but with medication and help from both of you, I can, and will, live with them. We talked about public speaking on everything from PTSD, domestic abuse, gay and lesbian rights, and mental illness.”

  She took a deep breath and continued, “He told me that my life was meant to save other lives, and there were other people who needed me. He convinced me that trying to kill myself was wrong, I deserved better, and so do both of you. It’s not my time to die.”

  Beth and Janie looked at each other, then back to Dakota. “I know, I know, it’s crazy. It’s kind of hard to believe, but I promise, I saw him. He told me he was watching over us. He specifically wanted me to give you a message, Janie. He said to tell you that he was fine and “tell Mumps, I mean Mom, that I love her.” ”

  Janie gasped and her eyes widened. “Shelby told you that? Those words? Mumps?”

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s the only one, ever, to call me Mumps. Robert is the only other person in this world that knows that. You really saw him?”

  Dakota was worried about Janie, but she wouldn’t lie, “Yeah…I did.”

  “Shelby called me Mumps when he was a child. That’s how he would address every letter he wrote to me.” Janie reached out for Dakota and hugged her. “I believe you. There is no way you would know about Mumps except from Shelby.”

  They all had tears in their eyes. “Beth, Janie, I have a future. And from what Shell told me, a bright one if I choose to. I don’t want to let
anyone down, especially you two. I know I can do this. Please, I need your support to accomplish the things I aim to do.”

  Beth finally spoke, “I think I can speak for both of us. We’ll do whatever we can to help.”

  Taking Beth’s hand, “Thank you, both of you. I won’t let you down.”

  “I know you won’t, sweetheart.”

  * * * * *

  Six months of medication adjustments, five grueling speeches, and countless hours of wedding preparations later, Dakota’s life was settling down. Between finding the right medications and dosage, and weekly meetings with Janie, the voices, although still there, were at a tolerable hum. She was able to work on writing speeches for the different requests that were starting to pour in. Mail bags full of letters requesting her and Beth’s appearance, offers for speaking engagements, and letters of support from all kinds of people, from all sort of lifestyles, filled the house. She was constantly pinching herself as sort of a reality check. She was actually influencing people, projects, and organizations.

  Early on, the guest bedroom of their house was the center of operations, now they worked out of the new office located in the ‘Projects for Life Center’ in downtown Portland. The ‘Projects for Life Center’ was the non-profit organization started by Dakota and Beth, designed for people who lived with mental illness, a place for them to just be themselves. Different kinds of meetings for different types of mental illness, peer-to-peer support groups, art projects and classes, job training, skill building classes, and counseling in every shape and form, were held day and night. No one with a mental illness was turned away.

  Dakota’s future was happening now, and she was thriving and living in every moment.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  Drifting quietly in the background, Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata played, while candle flames flickered in the slight breeze. The sun was out in all its beauty, yet it was cool and inviting under the huge white tent at Stonemaster’s Northwest Vineyard. Their favorite flowers surrounded them, bird of paradise and roses. How the florist ever combined the two flowers to make such eye-popping arrangements, Dakota would never know. The oranges, yellows, and purples of the bird of paradise were adorned by white, orange, and yellow roses, forming elaborate displays that filled the air with the smell of love.