Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons)

by Missy Johnson

  “And I will,” I retorted, “but I can’t stay here tonight, I just can’t. I have to go.”

  Before she had a chance to respond, I bundled up Mirabella and gathered her things. Walking to the door, I turned back to Claire.

  “Tell Maddie I will be here tomorrow.”

  It had just passed three in the morning and I had literally just gotten Mirabella back to sleep after she spent nearly four hours crying. Waking a sleeping baby was a bad idea and I was still way too wound up to sleep. All I could think about was Em, Claire and that stupid fucking kiss.

  I paced the length of the living room, my hands entwined behind my head. Fuck, this was driving me insane. The anger I felt inside directed at Claire was intense. How the fuck could she do that? How could she put me in that kind of situation?

  Slumping down in front of the television, I turned it on, infomercials blared out of the speakers. I ran over the evening in my mind, worried that maybe I sent out signals without even realizing it. There was nothing at all in my mind that she could’ve taken inappropriately. Nothing I said could have been taken another way.

  The irony of this whole thing was the number of times I had wanted to go there after we had fixed our friendship, only for Claire to stop me because she didn’t want to mess up things for Maddie. For a young child to have a mom and a dad who could actually stand to be in the same room as each other was a rare thing.

  When Claire cheated on me, I know many people felt I’d forgiven her too quickly. What they didn’t understand was there was a reason for that. Claire and I had met only shortly after my father died. I was a different person back then to the guy I am today. The old Simon hated opening himself up because that made you vulnerable to being hurt. I’d been hurt enough in my life to know I didn’t like it. In the year before our marriage ended, I went through a phase of depression which I dealt with by working myself into the ground and drinking.

  Claire and I weren’t communicating at all, mom was struggling to care for Leila. Everything built up and I coped by hiding myself away. Claire coped by falling into my best friends bed. No, I didn’t make her do it, but I sure as hell made it impossible to live with me.

  Em had asked me plenty of times about my relationship with Claire. There had been hundreds of perfect opportunities to tell her the full story, but every time I had chickened out. The more time that went by the harder it became to tell her. In the end, I’d convinced myself it was a part of my past that she didn’t need to know.

  If I could slip so badly off the rails once, then what’s to say it won’t happen again? The thought terrified me.

  What terrified me even more was the little voice in the back of my head kept asking the same question, over and over.

  Why was it, that for the briefest, tiniest millisecond, I had kissed her back?

  Chapter Thirty

  Emma

  Simon glanced at me and reached for my hand. God it felt good to be leaving the hospital. We had both been surprised when the doctor said I could go home. Any symptoms at all and I had to call an ambulance right away. Glancing over the list of possible signs of another clot made me feel sick. I crumpled up the sheet and shoved it into my bag.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Mirabella, who was fast asleep. All she seemed to do was sleep, though Simon had chuckled when I’d pointed that out to him, telling me to wait until I spent a night with her.

  Though he hadn’t said anything, I got the feeling Simon was being cautious of my mood swings. Even though the doctor had said they were normal following my type of injury, they still scared the hell out of me. What if I had one when I was alone with Mirabella? I hated to think I could ever be capable of hurting her, but to say it didn’t make me anxious would be a lie.

  Had Simon thought about it? Had he arranged this time off because he didn’t trust me being alone with our baby? I tried to push the thoughts out of my head, but they kept creeping back in.

  “Em?”

  I glanced at Simon.

  “Are you okay? Where did you go just then?” he asked gently.

  “I don’t know…Do you regret any of this? Us? You didn’t exactly sign up for all this,” I said, waving my hand around.

  “All what?” he asked, confused.

  “This. Me. The baby.”

  “Em, I’ve had months to get used to the idea of having a baby with you, so you can get that idea out of your head right now. And secondly, if I had any doubts about being with you I wouldn’t have asked you to marry me.”

  “Hold on, what? Marry? We’re engaged?” I asked, incredulous. How the hell did I not remember something like that?

  “Yes,” Simon said, surprised. “Sorry, it should’ve occurred to me that you wouldn’t have remembered that either,” he apologized.

  “How? I mean, how did you propose?” I asked softly.

  “On your balcony one night after we’d made love, I proposed. You said yes and there was more, let’s just say, fireworks,” he said dryly, a smirk evident on his face.

  I blushed. “Was it romantic?” I asked.

  “The love making or the proposal?” he ducked as I swatted him.

  “The proposal you idiot,” I giggled.

  “Very,” Simon smiled. “Could you imagine me being anything but romantic?” he asked dryly. I laughed. This is what I missed, the light and airy moments. If I’d felt as though things were moving fast before, they were moving at lightning speed now. In my mind, I’d known Simon for only weeks, now we were engaged and with baby. That was pretty heavy, even by my standards.

  Simon pulled up in front of a house I didn’t recognize.

  “Are we visiting someone?” I asked confused. The last thing I felt like doing was visiting. All I wanted to do was go home with my baby and relax.

  “Um, no. We live here,” he said slowly. I raised my eyebrows and looked at the house before me. Things really had changed. The house triggered no memories. There were no sparks of recognition in my mind, in fact I found the whole thing distressing.

  Why couldn’t I fucking remember anything?

  “Em, it’s a house. It’s not a big deal,” Simon said as he tried to reassure me.

  “Maybe it’s not to you, but it’s a fucking big deal to me.” I said, gritting my teeth.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Simon

  Ninety percent of the time I felt as though I was saying or doing the wrong thing. It was that other ten percent that made it all worth it. That ten percent more than made up for the pain and sadness I felt for Em most of the time.

  Gently I pulled the bedroom door open. I leaned against the doorframe watching my beautiful girl sleep. Closing the door, I went into the living room to check on Mirabella, who was amusing herself in her bouncer. I watched her wordlessly, still amazed by this tiny little creature that could captivate me for hours and then cry for hours at night. She had a set of lungs to rival Pavarotti. My cell vibrated on the coffee table. I collected it and checked the number. It was Maria.

  “Hello,” I said, surprised to be hearing from her. I’d only spoken to her a few times, when I was organizing for them to come over for the wedding as a surprise for Em.

  “Simon, Hi. How is she?” Maria asked in her mixed accent. It didn’t surprise me that after fourteen years over in New Zealand she had picked up a slight accent.

  “She’s okay. She gets tired easily, and her emotions are pretty messed up, but the doctors are confident that will all improve.”

  “Oh, that’s good, and Mirabella? How is she?” asked Maria fondly.

  “She is great. Really good. Did you get the photos?” I asked. I’d taken a heap of pictures and sent them to Maria. I knew she felt bad about not being able to be here for Em.

  “Good, that’s fantastic news. Simon, the reason I’m calling is Phillip and I have spoken at great length, and we’ve decided to move back to the U.S. He’s put in for a transfer to a research hospital near you and Emma and I’m waiting to find out about a job I’ve applied for.”<
br />
  “Wow, Maria, that’s huge news,” I said, pleased. This was great, exactly what Em needed right now. While her family had been around, they hadn’t exactly been as supportive as I would’ve liked. In the two days Em ad been home, they hadn’t even called once. During her whole hospital stay they visited twice. If it were my daughter, or even my niece, I’d have been in nearly every day.

  Maria, however, had been the polar opposite, calling or emailing every day for updates. Now she was ready to pack up and relocate back to a place full of bad memories for her daughter.

  “What can I do to help?” I asked.

  “Well, there are a few places we like the look of. Is there any chance you’d have the time to go and check them out for us? I know you’re really busy with Em and Mirabella, so if you don’t have the time I completely understand…”

  “I’d love to do that for you, email me the addresses, and the agent details okay?”

  “Thanks Simon. Oh, and maybe keep this quiet from Emma? I’d love to be able to surprise her.”

  “Of course,” I chuckled.

  The next morning, after feeding Em an excuse about having to drop into the office to pick up some work, I went looking at houses. There were three in total for me to look at. My first thought as I drove down the street of the first was holy shit, these guys must be rolling in money.

  The place itself was huge, with five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a double kitchen and three living areas. The outside was beautifully landscaped, with an in ground pool and a tennis court in the backyard.

  The agent walked me through the layout, sneaking glances at Mirabella in her capsule.

  “How old is she?” she finally asked, smiling.

  “Almost six weeks. She was two months premature though, so she’s still so tiny.”

  “And you’re out shopping for a new house while mom recovers?” she guessed.

  “No,” I chuckled, “I’m shopping for my future parents in Law, who are relocating back from overseas.”

  “Ohh, nice. You wife must be looking forward to having her family around her.”

  “She will be when she finds out,” I chuckled. “It’s a surprise. If I can keep it from her, she won’t know until they arrive on the doorstep.” I added with a devilish smile.

  After walking around the house, I left to check out the last two. As I suspected, neither of them compared to the first. I sent Maria an email with my findings.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Emma

  Simon had been gone a while, and to be honest, it was good to have the place to myself. Not that I knew where anything was. Nothing about this place seemed familiar to me at all. Searching through the fridge for something to drink, I came up empty handed. Maybe Simon could get something on his way home for me. I dialed his cell, and got the busy signal. Maybe I could catch him before he left the office.

  “Hi, I’m after Simon Anderson? He was dropping in to pick something up.” I said to the receptionist who answered the phone.

  “No, Simon hasn’t been in. He doesn’t work here anymore.”

  “Oh, okay. Maybe I got it wrong.” Hanging up the phone, I sat down on the couch. Why would he lie to me? He had definitely said he was going into work. Where had he gone if not there? I picked up my cell again and dialed Cass.

  “Hey you,” Cass said warmly.

  “What are you up to?” I asked. “Come over for a drink if you’re up for it.” I added. I felt like I hadn’t seen anyone in ages. People had visited in hospital, but usually they didn’t want to stay long or just didn’t feel comfortable. Not that I blamed them, I didn’t feel comfortable in hospital.

  “I’d love to. You’ve saved me from an evening of football.” I laughed, knowing how much Cass hated most sports, especially football.

  “So he stayed with Claire while you were in hospital, I don’t really see the big deal. He probably wanted to spend time with Maddie. You need to stop reading into things Em.”

  “I know, but it’s not even the fact that he stayed with her. It’s that he told me you were helping out with Mirabella. Why lie to me?” I shrugged helplessly, unable to let this go.

  “Maybe he guessed you’d react like this?” she offered softly.

  “I don’t know, Cass. I feel like there is something else he’s not telling me,” I mumbled. It was most likely just the side effects of the operation talking, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something going on.

  After Cass left I decided to email Maria. She had been emailing and calling me every day to check on my progress. Opening up my laptop, I saw it was open to Simon’s email. Just as I was about to log out, a name caught my eye. Claire.

  There were many reasons Claire might be emailing Simon, logically I knew that, but my mind was turning over the worst possible scenarios. Hesitantly, I clicked open. Never would I have thought of myself as the type of person who would snoop through their partner’s emails, but here I was.

  Simon,

  I cannot apologize enough for what happened. I don’t blame you for being angry at me, but please don’t let Maddie suffer for my mistake. I can’t even excuse what I did, because honestly, I’ve wanted to kiss you like that for a long time.

  Please, can we talk?

  Claire.

  As I sat there staring at the screen reading her words over and over, a wave of emotions rushed through me. Angry, I slammed the laptop shut. This had to be some kind of fucking joke. Was that where he was now? With her? The thought made me sick. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I thought about what I should do. I didn’t want to be here when he got back, that much I knew, but I sure as hell wasn’t leaving my daughter here, with him.

  There was only one person I could call and that was Cass. She had barely made it five minutes from my house when I made my blubbering call to her. Five minutes later she was hugging me, assuring me everything was going to be fine.

  “Come on Em. Let me take you to bed. I’ll wait here for Simon, and we’ll get this sorted out,” she hushed, rubbing my back.

  “Sorted out?” I laughed, incredulous, “he kissed Claire!”

  “Technically, she kissed him,” Cass interjected, “and from the sounds of it, he was pretty angry.”

  “I knew it. I fucking knew it. I knew she wanted him back. Everybody thought I was just being the jealous girlfriend and now look at this mess!” I stood up, sending the chair behind me hurtling into the wall.

  “Calm down Em,” Cass begged, “please, just sit down or something.” She walked me over to the couch and sat me down.

  “How can I calm down? I don’t even remember the last six months of our relationship? How do I know this hasn’t been going on for months?” I ranted, my head ached from trying to find my lost memories.

  “He loves you Em. I can see that and you must be able to see that every time he looks at you.”

  “I don’t know if that’s enough Cass. I think I need time to think. I need to clear my head,” I whispered, running my nails along my scalp. “Can you call Simon? I-I need a day…or two. If he comes home now I might say something I regret.”

  “Whatever you need, Em.” Cass hugged me.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Simon

  “Cass, is everything okay?” I asked alarmed. Cass wouldn’t be calling me for an afternoon chat.

  “Simon, Em knows Claire kissed you.”

  What? I almost dropped the phone in shock. The only people who knew were myself and Claire and I sure as hell hadn’t said anything.

  “How did she find out?” I rasped. “It’s not what it looks like.”

  “Claire sent you an email and Emma found it by accident. For what it’s worth, I believe you Simon, but Em, her head is all messed up as it is. You need to give her a few days to figure things out.”

  “What I need is to speak to her and explain-.”

  “Listen, Simon! If you come home now, you’ll make things worse. I promise you that. Go stay at a hotel, or go to my house. I’m staying
here with Em and Mirabella, Tom’s home, but he won’t care if you’re there.”

  “Fine. Can you call me later and tell me how she is? Cass, you need to make her see how much I love her.”

  “I’ll try, Simon, I really will.”

  I pulled the car over, three blocks from home. That’s how close to seeing Em I was. It took all of my willpower to turn the car around and drive away. I knew Cass was right. Em needed space right now and not giving it to her would be a bad move.

  “Fuck!” I yelled, hitting the steering wheel. She needed space, I’d give her space. Throwing the cell into the back seat, I headed to Claire’s.

  “Simon,” Claire looked shocked as she opened the door and saw me standing there, “come in,” she added. I brushed past her, trying to remain calm.

  “Emma knows, because she saw the email you sent me. Why the fuck would you think it would be a good idea to email me?” I demanded.

  “Because you wouldn’t answer your damn phone,” she replied, walking into the kitchen. “Keep your voice down, Maddie is outside.”

  “Look, I need to get away for a few days. I want to take Maddie to my moms.”

  “You want to take her now? She has preschool, Simon and other things. You can’t just take her with no notice.”

  “Please Claire. Em needs space and I need to clear my head. Besides, mom hasn’t seen Maddie in ages,” I pleaded.

  “Okay, you can take her,” she finally agreed, “but only two nights, okay?”

  The drive to mom’s house was just over two hours of listening to Maddie chat non-stop about everything and anything. It was great. This is exactly what I’d needed, time away from everything with my daughter. As much as I wanted to give Em the space she needed, being away from her and Mirabella, even for just a few days was going to be hard.

  We arrived at moms just after four and I was looking forward to surprising her with the unscheduled visit.