Incredible Beauty (So Many Reasons)

by Missy Johnson

  “Can I ring the doorbell daddy?” Maddie begged, jumping up and down on the front step. Laughing, I nodded as she squealed and pressed the button.

  “Simon? And Maddie!” Mom cried, kneeling down to hug Maddie.

  “Hi Gram-ma,” Maddie sang. In the two hours in the car I’d quickly learned she was in a singing phase. I hoped she was out of it by the time we had to drive home.

  “Hey mom,” I smiled, kissing her cheek. She pulled me into a hug.

  “What are you doing here? Is Emma and the baby here?” she looked over my shoulder at the car. I shook my head, nodding towards Maddie. This was a conversation I didn’t want to have in front of her. “Come on in,” she pushed us inside and shut the door.

  “Dukie!” cried Maddie, as mom’s cavalier spaniel hauled himself into her arms. Maddie lay on the floor, giggling as Dukie lapped at her face, tail wagging furiously.

  “Down Dukie,” she giggled, getting to her feet, but still patting the overexcited spaniel.

  “Why don’t you take him out the back, Maddie?” I suggested. She didn’t need to be told twice. She sprinted to the door, as mom made us a coffee. I sat down at the table which overlooked the backyard, watching Maddie and Dukie play.

  “What’s going on, honey?” Mom placed the hot cup in front of me.

  “Everything’s a mess. Claire kissed me, Emma found out.”

  “Oh Simon,” mom gasped, clapping her hand over her mouth.

  “I know, mom. I should’ve told Em as soon as it happened, but her memory was so weak already, I just didn’t want to add to her stress. I’ve fucked things up pretty bad.” Mom raised her eyebrows at my use of language. “Sorry,” I said, feeling all of about ten.

  “So why are you here, Simon?” she asked gently. That was a good question. Why wasn’t I at home, fighting for my girl?

  “I’ll give her a few days,” I finally sighed. “At least until tomorrow. I’m afraid if I push her, I’ll push her too far.”

  “And Claire?” mom asked.

  “What about her?” I asked, confused.

  “Are there any feelings there at all?”

  “None.” If there was anything I was sure of right now, it was that Em was the only woman I wanted.

  After mom’s homemade meatloaf, the three of us sat on the couch watching TV. With one arm around Maddie, I dug my phone out of my pocket. No calls or messages. What was I doing? I needed to at least let Em know how much I loved her, even if she wasn’t ready to hear me.

  I love you more than I love anything on this earth. Please talk to me Em.

  I sat my cell on my knee, glancing at it eagerly every time the reflection from the TV bounced off it. I tried convincing myself I wasn’t expecting a reply, but deep down I knew that I was. When an hour passed and I hadn’t heard anything, I slipped my cell back in my pocket. Maddie had fallen asleep next to me. I scooped her up and carried her to bed.

  Mom handed me a coffee when I returned to the living room.

  “So how are you?” she asked. I shrugged.

  “I’m okay. I’ll be fine, mom.” I kissed her forehead. “I might hit the sack too.” It had been awhile since I’d gotten a decent sleep.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Emma

  I love you more than I love anything on this earth. Please talk to me Em.

  I read the message over and over. Cass smiled at me sympathetically.

  “Just reply to him, Em. Imagine how bad he would be feeling,” Cass encouraged. I so badly wanted to, I really did, but something was stopping me and I couldn’t even try and put into words what it was.

  “I better check on Mirabella,” I sighed.

  Edging open the nursery door, I tiptoed in, sitting down in the nursing chair next to the cot. I smiled at my little girl, who lay sleeping soundly, as if she had no worries in the world. How perfect babies had it. I hoped that feeling lasted for her, for much longer than it had for me.

  The room looked perfect for a little girl. The yellow we’d painted the room in had been replaced with a soft pink, which complemented the white furniture perfectly.

  Pictures of Simon and I sat framed on top of the wardrobe. I stood up and made my way over to them. The first was taken on one of our first dates. Of course in those days all of our ‘dates’ had been in my apartment, but those nights still felt special. Picking up the second picture, we looked so happy. Simon’s eyes were on me as I smiled into the camera. His love for me was obvious from the way he was looking at me.

  Staring hard at the picture, I realized something. This had been taken the night he proposed to me. I remembered. I remembered the meal he had prepared for me, the amazing sex we’d had and the way afterward he’d pulled out the ring on the balcony and dropped down on one knee.

  Wiping away tears, I reached up to my neck and fingered the ring that hung on my necklace. Reaching up, I unclasped the necklace, letting the ring slide off the fine silver chain and into my palm. I slipped the ring onto my finger.

  I glanced back at Mirabella before closing the door. I stared at the photo of us as I walked back into the living room. Cass jumped up, concern flashing in her eyes.

  “Em, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she reached up and smoothed the tears away with her thumbs. I handed her the picture.

  “I remember this. Cass, the night he proposed, I remember,” I sobbed.

  “Shh, why are you crying then, you dick? Isn’t it a good thing?” she asked softly, chuckling.

  “I love him so much, I can’t stand the thought of not having him with me,” I wept. Cass handed me my phone.

  “Tell him that, Em, not me.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Simon

  The vibration of my phone woke me up. I was surprised I’d even fallen asleep, I must have been more tired than I thought. Reaching my arm out for the phone, I brought it level with my eyes and struggled to make out the message.

  Fuck, it was from Em.

  Are you awake?

  I dialed her number, she answered right away.

  “Do you remember the first night we ever spoke?” she asked.

  “I remember what a psycho I was, calling you in the middle of the night,” I answered, cringing at the memory.

  “Yeah, I’m surprised that didn’t scare me off, actually,” she chuckled. She was laughing. Laughing was good, god I loved her laugh.

  “I love you Em. You know that, right?” I asked softly. She sighed, as if she were gathering her thoughts.

  “I do know that,” she began, “I was in watching Mirabella sleep tonight and I saw the photos of us on the drawers. The one of us, after you proposed? I looked at it and I remembered. I remember that night. I remember that you put the bed out there and we slept under the stars, I remember the love I felt for you when you slipped that ring onto my finger.”

  “That’s great news, Em,” It really was. It was only one memory, but it was a good sign that they were still in there somewhere.

  “I’m sorry Simon, it’s just the thought of another woman kissing you… It drives me crazy. I have issues with trust and I think a big part of that is me trusting that your feelings will always be there.”

  “Are you crazy? You have no idea how crazy in love with you I am. I can’t even imagine you not being in my life. When I found you lying there, unconscious…that was the worst moment of my life. I can’t tell you how much you mean to me.”

  “Will you come home?”

  “I’m actually out at my mom’s. I took Maddie up here for a few days to clear my head. And I felt bad about not spending much time with her lately.”

  “Okay, well I can’t wait to see you,” she said softly, “and Mirabella misses her daddy too.”

  “Is Cass still staying with you? I don’t want you there on your own.”

  “Yes, she said she’ll stay till you get back.”

  “Okay, good. Em?” I asked

  “Yeah?”

  “Love you,” I smiled.

  The following day we g
ot up early to go with mom to some flea markets, which Maddie was ecstatic about. Maddie loved anything that involved sifting through junk and finding hidden treasures. When she was little, she would bury her toys in her sandpit just so she could ‘find’ them.

  “This has been great, Simon,” Mom laughed as we sat down for lunch in a diner near where Leila lived. That was our next stop. I didn’t get up there nearly as often as I should and I felt guilty about not seeing mom and Leila.

  “What do you want?” I asked Maddie who was still pouring over the menu.

  “A cheeseburger,” she announced, nodding her head decisively. “And a milkshake?” she added hopefully. I laughed and nodded.

  “Just don’t tell your mom.” Unable to resist the call of the cheeseburger, I ordered one for myself too, while mom ordered a chicken salad. Mom had noticed my mood was much brighter today, though I was yet to explain to her what had happened.

  “What now, daddy?” Maddie asked, pushing her near empty plate aside. I gaped at her, not entirely sure where she had put all that food.

  “Grandma wants to take the birthday girl shopping,” I said, my eyes wide.

  “Ooh, really?” she cried, the excitement almost too much for her. It was her fifth birthday next week and I knew mom would love to be able to spend the afternoon with her, which also left me free to go and visit Leila.

  After dropping Maddie and mom off at the nearby mall, I drove to the home where Leila was. For a nursing home, it wasn’t too bad and there were quite a few people around her age living there. I’d heard horror stories about the condition and treatment of residents in some of these places, so along with mom, we had made sure Leila was placed in the best facility in the area. Mom would still have her at home occasionally, but those days were becoming rarer as Leila slowly got worse.

  The place had undergone some renovations, but not significant enough for me not to know my way to her room. Like all the residents, she had a private room, hers overlooking the gardens. The rooms were bright and individually decorated with photos, pictures and other things that personalized each space.

  The extent of Leila’s injuries meant she spent all her time in bed, basically unresponsive. Unlike when Em was unconscious, Leila would lay there, her eyes open, staring at the wall. She showed no responsiveness at all. She was like a shell.

  Sitting down next to her bed, I reached out and held her hand. She looked as though she’d aged ten years in the year that I’d seen her. Guilt crept through me. I should’ve have been in earlier. She was my sister and I shut her away like she was a bad secret.

  “Hey Leila. How are you? It’s been a long time,” I smiled, stroking her dark hair behind her ear. She stared back at me blankly. “You have a new little niece. Her name’s Mirabella. She’s a beautiful little thing with a dark mop of hair.” Leila stared right past me and as I squeezed her hand I got no response.

  I stayed with Leila for about an hour, talking to her about whatever came into my mind, wanting to fill the silence. Before I left, I kissed her on the head, unable to shake the feeling that this might be the last time I would see her. According to mom, her lung and breathing issues had been getting steadily worse, to the point where she was hospitalized a couple of times a month. I felt some sense of relief that I had been into see her. Some of the guilt I’d harbored over never seeing Leila had begun to subside.

  The mall was busy, but I could spot bouncing Maddie and mom waiting just outside the main entrance. I pulled into an empty parking space and honked the horn. Maddie spotted me first, grabbing moms arm and tugging her toward the car. I chuckled to myself, positive mom would sleep very well tonight. I knew I always did after a few hours with Maddie.

  “How did you two go?” I asked as they climbed into the car, Maddie in the back and mom into the passenger seat.

  “You should see what Grandma got me, daddy!” piped up Maddie. I rolled my eyes at mom.

  “What? It’s her birthday, I’m allowed to spoil her.”

  “Yeah Daddy, she’s allowed to spoil me,” Maddie added. I shook my head, knowing there was no way I was going to win this one.

  Pulling into mom’s driveway, we walked inside, Maddie running straight into the living room to play with her new toys.

  “How did you go with Leila?” mom asked softly.

  “Good. I feel better having seen her. It’s weird, but it feels like she’s not there, you know?” I said. Mom nodded.

  “I know,” mom agreed, “every time I see her I can see she is getting worse. The chest infections are more often and last for longer.” She lowered her head, trying to hide her tears. I put my arms around her shoulders, hugging her as she cried.

  “I just feel like…I wish her suffering would stop, you know?” she said, “What mom thinks like that?”

  “You’ve watched her suffer for over twenty years. You see the pain she goes through, mom. It’s natural that you don’t want her to suffer,” I said softly.

  “I’m glad you’re here, Simon.”

  “I’m glad too. We will get up here more often, I promise,” I said, kissing her cheek which was still damp from tears.

  “Have you and Emma fixed things?” she asked suddenly.

  “I think we have. There had been so much going on the last month and our relationship moved forward so quickly…I’m just glad things are back on track now.”

  Mom followed me into the spare room and helped me pack Maddie’s stuff. Since my decision to leave had been so sudden, I had been wearing the same clothes for the past two days. I was looking forward to getting home and seeing Em and Mirabella.

  Maddie was asleep when I pulled into Claire’s driveway, I carefully carried her inside and placed her into bed. Claire stood by the door and watched as I readied her for the night. Once I’d tucked her in, I followed Claire into the kitchen.

  “Coffee?” Claire asked, the first to break the awkward silence. I shook my head.

  “I better get home to Em and Mirabella,” I explained. “Tell me something,” I added suddenly, not sure I wanted to open this can of worms, but needing answers all the same, “why now? For so long I tried to win you back and now it’s like you see how happy I am you want to ruin that?” I asked in disbelief.

  Claire sighed, her elbows dropping onto the kitchen counter. I waited impatiently for her to speak.

  “It wasn’t about wanting you unhappy. All those times you wanted to try again, I still saw the old Simon. I couldn’t let myself be hurt like that again,” she paused briefly, wetting her lips. “Since you met Emma, you’ve changed. You’re a completely different man to the one I divorced. You’re the man I fell in love with ten years ago,” she whispered.

  I stood there like an idiot, not able to say anything. Wow, this was unbelievable.

  “Are you saying you’re still in love with me?” I asked evenly.

  Claire shrugged. “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you, it’s just the person I loved changed into a selfish asshole who would drown his problems in a bottle,” she turned around, facing away from me. “That night…the kiss, you kissed me back. I felt it, I know I did. Why did you kiss me back?”

  I opened my mouth, not sure of what to say.

  She was right. I had kissed her back and it was something that ran through my mind since that night. Why had I kissed her back?

  “I loved you, Claire. You don’t just turn that kind of love off. I guess I was so surprised and for the slightest second I wondered if what we had once was still there.”

  “And was it?” Claire whispered hoarsely. I looked down. Regardless at how angry I was at Claire, telling her I felt nothing in our kiss was not something I was looking forward to doing.

  “What I feel for Em is something I’ve never felt for anyone,” I responded tactfully. She turned around and glared at me.

  “Answer the question, Simon. Did you feel anything? Anything at all?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head, “You say I’m a better man, like the man you fell in love wi
th? I’m not that man without Em. Without her, I’m nothing.”

  Claire made a face. Nodding, she walked out of the kitchen.

  “You better not keep your fiancé waiting,” she said once she reached the front door. Any anger I felt toward her had gone and replaced with sympathy.

  “Okay.”

  “Oh, Simon? Don’t forget Maddie’s birthday party is this weekend,” she said, her tone softer.

  “We’ll be here.”

  Chapter Thirty six

  Emma

  Glancing at Cass, I made a face.

  “Simon is on his way back,” I said.

  “Is that a subtle hint? Get out Cass?” she grinned.

  “Would you mind?” I said smiling. She knew me so well. I wanted it to be just me and Simon when he got home. Cass here would make things awkward and the last thing we needed was awkward.

  Cass nodded and collected her things.

  “Will you call me if you need me? Even if it’s like two in the morning?” she asked as she wrapped her arms around me. I nodded, who else would I call but not for Cass?

  “Course I will, now go. Tom will have forgotten what you look like,” I joked.

  “Maybe he might actually show me that he missed me,” Cass replied, rolling her eyes, making me laugh. I led her to the door, no sooner than when we reached it, Mirabella began to scream.

  “See you,” Cass called out knowingly as I went in to check on my little girl. I walked into the nursery, as soon as she spotted me her cries stopped.

  “Really?” I asked her. “You’ve got me wrapped around your little finger, don’t you?” I laughed, lifting her out of the crib. After checking her nappy was clean, I carried her into the kitchen to heat up a bottle. I was amazed at how naturally motherhood had come to me. Being the anxious, nervous person I was, I was sure that being a mother would only increase my anxieties. It was the opposite though. My confidence in myself had soared, which went a long way with my abilities of controlling my feelings. Even with Simon, I had been able to rationally work through the kiss with Claire. Once I’d calmed down anyway.