Chasing the High

by Beth Michele

  I turned to Mia. She had tears in her eyes. “This makes me so sad. People having to beg for money, sleeping on benches. It’s even worse than the city. It’s horrible.”

  “It is.” I couldn’t stop thinking about Drew as a boy and everything he’d been through. Initially, I thought coming here would make me feel closer to him. But all I’d achieved was getting myself more upset. Longing curled around my chest and tugged so hard I couldn’t breathe.

  My fingers squeezed the leather against my skin and Mia’s eyes followed the motion. “Is there anything else you want to see, Sam? Because I think we should go.” I nodded, and she grabbed onto my arm. I felt tired all of a sudden, and had to focus my legs on getting us to the subway.

  “Mia, can we stop for a sec?”

  Her concern was heavy on my face. “Of course. Let’s get you some water or something.” I stepped aside and allowed an elderly woman to pass before leaning up against a nearby building. Mia looked down the street. “The last corner store I saw was about two blocks back. I’ll run and get you some water.”

  I captured her wrist between my fingers. “No, Mia. I just need a minute.”

  “Not meanin’ to eavesdrop, but everythin’ okay out here?” Mia and I caught sight of someone to our left. He was drawing a wrinkled hand through his hair, face glistening from the blistering humidity.

  “Yes, but I was wondering if there was a place close by to get my brother some water?”

  His smile was kind. “I know just the place. Why don’t you come on inside.” He signaled with a thumb over his shoulder. “You lucked out landing here. Brisco’s corner store is a few blocks away.” He gave us the once over. “And I don’t think you should be wanderin’ around a neighborhood like this. No disrespect, but you’re lookin’ a bit out of place.”

  “That’s why people were staring at us,” Mia whispered as we followed him up the brick steps.

  “This here’s our community soup kitchen,” he explained, as we pushed through a set of old wooden doors. “Like I said, you landed at the right spot.” Rows of picnic-style tables and benches covered the run-down space. He pointed to one. “Have a seat there, and I’ll bring you a cup.” He looked over at Mia who was toying with her ponytail. “You like one too, Miss?”

  “Yes, please…”

  “Joe,” he added, and a flutter hit my chest. For no reason other than the hope I carried with me every day. But there had to be hundreds of Joes around here.

  “We need two,” I heard him say to someone else before it was eerily quiet. Mia, unable to sit anymore, stood by the window as she peered outside.

  “The things I do for you,” another voice said, accompanied by a laugh that was so familiar to me, the sound of it made my breath stall. I remained absolutely still, waiting for the person attached to the voice to emerge. Wondering what I was going to say and whether he’d be happy to see me. I pushed up from the bench, fisting my hands at my sides.

  His laughter was cut short the moment he saw me. I tried to gauge his initial expression, but it was impossible. He immediately lowered his head and looked away as if searching for an escape. I couldn’t blame him for that.

  Everything I planned to say if I ever got this chance fell away. I couldn’t think of a single word, except the one that never left me.

  “Drew.”

  He straightened his posture, my heart seizing up when his hair tumbled into his eyes. As he headed in my direction, his gaze still refused to meet mine.

  Mia stomped over, and this time I was grateful for her loud interruption. “Drew? As in the Drew? The one I haven’t stopped hearing about for weeks?”

  Okay, maybe I wasn’t that grateful.

  I glared at her, wishing for once she was a shy little flower. She ignored me, of course, as Drew looked down at her, taking her in. I thought I saw his lips hitch at the corner. Then again, Mia tended to have that effect on people.

  She held out her hand and he placed the cups on the table before shaking it. “I’m Mia, Sam’s sister. And I can’t tell you how glad I am to meet you.”

  “Yeah. Good to meet you, too.” His eyes drifted to mine. Finally. “What are you doing here?”

  It took me a minute to answer because I was too busy staring at him—at everything I’d missed—everything I’d left behind. “We just came in for water.”

  The words sounded ridiculous leaving my mouth, but I was at a total loss. Joe returned then, coming to stand beside Drew. “You know each other?”

  Drew cleared his throat. “Joe, this is…” He paused and I willed myself to breathe, waiting for how he would introduce me. “This is Sam.”

  Joe extended his hand for a brief shake. “Happy to meet you. How do the two of you know each other?”

  “We met on vacation,” Drew explained, but left it at that. Apparently, this Joe was a smart guy, or perhaps there was an off-chance Drew had been talking about me. Because something registered on his face and he patted Drew on the back then stepped over to Mia.

  “How’s ‘bout I show you the… kitchen?”

  Mia shot me a subtle glance. “Yes, I love kitchens!”

  Once they were out of earshot, I turned to Drew. “So that’s Joe?”

  His eyes softened, admiration filling them. “Yes. And that’s Mia.”

  I knew my face was beaming with love for my sister. “Yup. That’s her.”

  “She’s just like you described.”

  A tense quiet fell between us and I stuffed my hands in my pockets. “How have you been?”

  “Fucking great.” His tone was flat. “You?”

  “Good, good.” My gaze darted everywhere as I chased words that wouldn’t come. “I’ve been trying to find you.”

  He lifted his arms in the air before they dropped with a slap against his sides. “Well, you found me. And what are you doing around here anyway? You know you stick out like a sore thumb, right?”

  I ignored his last comment and debated whether I should tell him the truth. But suddenly the truth sounded like something he wasn’t interested in hearing. “I was doing research for a book.”

  “Okay, well, I need to get going. I was actually on my way out when you guys showed.” He stepped around me and headed for the exit. Panic climbed up the back of my neck. I couldn’t let him walk away again.

  “Drew, wait.” He paused with his hand on the door, but didn’t turn around. “I looked for you. In Hawaii. But you’d already gone. I wanted to explain.” And still, I was talking to his back. Treading lightly, I advanced a few paces in his direction. “It would be nice if I could see your face while I’m talking to you.” He sighed and shifted to his left, leaning against the door. “I’m sorry. Maybe it’s a little too late, but, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you—”

  Without thinking, I moved another foot forward and he tried to back up. But there was nowhere to go. A ragged exhale left his chest as he glanced up at me. It was then I noticed the dark rings of black beneath his eyes. My heart withered.

  “I don’t think anything mattered to me more in that moment than you acknowledging me. I needed that from you, Sam.” His eyes were all over the room, but I wanted them on me.

  Fear swept through me. I had to prove this had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. With my anxiety. But my lips were stuck. That same old feeling barreled through me again—and I’d had enough. This could all be cleared up with simple communication.

  I forced a breath from my chest and took that next step. “Drew.” His gaze swung back to mine, expression blank. Strong shoulders dipped like all the fight had left his body. “I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but what happened had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I’m a twenty-nine-year-old man who sometimes, with my anxiety, feels like a ten-year-old boy. The world seems so big and overwhelming, and I feel small. Sometimes the voices in my head are the only ones I can hear. Mine is mild compared to many, but still, it can be too much to handle… and that was one of those times.�
�

  Drew didn’t say anything for the span of several breaths. Every second that passed made my blood pressure rise.

  “Okay.”

  My heart took that one word and ran with it. “Okay? What does that mean?”

  “Look, Sam.” He sighed. “I understand. But, I had things pretty good before we met. I kept my distance and it worked for me. And… meeting you, well, it complicated all that. I just…” He pressed two fingers into his temple. “Fuck… I just need to go back to simple.”

  “I can do simple,” I blurted out, figuring simple was better than nothing. A piece of Drew was better than no Drew at all.

  He combatted my statement with one of his own. But this time, I swore his frown slipped. “You’re pushing again.”

  I suddenly felt ten feet tall. “No. Maybe this time, I’m just not willing to let you walk away without a fight.”

  A sound outside the window caught his attention and he took it as an opportunity to escape my gaze. “I have to go. I’ve got some work to do for Saks tonight. I’ll… be in touch.”

  “How?”

  His eyes found mine. “How what?”

  “How will you be in touch?”

  A breathless laugh. It was the sweetest sound I’d heard in a while. “You know, those things they call phones.”

  I smirked. “But you don’t have my cell.”

  “Christ.” His head fell as he cursed and yanked the phone from his pocket. But I could tell he was smiling. He slid the screen with a frustrated groan. “What is it?”

  The numbers dropped out of my mouth. My grin was that wide. I rocked back on my heels. It was a small victory.

  But I’d take it.

  THE GUY WAS fucking relentless. He just wouldn’t give up on me.

  I stared at my cell under the conference table, flipping it back and forth between my fingers. I’d wanted to call Sam for three days. Three fucking days of no sleep and a brain that was working overtime. Yet something stopped me.

  I didn’t trust myself.

  I didn’t trust Sam.

  Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was hard enough before I’d run into him at the soup kitchen. At least then I could pretend he never existed—until I saw him. Then he became real again. He became a possibility. In my world, that had always been a dangerous word. It ranked right up there with hope.

  “What do you think, Drew? Does that timeframe work for the new redesign?”

  Reid, our department Vice President who also happened to be a friend, dragged me back into reality. “Huh? Oh yes, that works.”

  When the meeting ended he stayed behind, closing the door after the last project manager walked out. “Have a seat.” He gestured toward the chair I just vacated. “I wanted to check in with you.”

  “Check in?”

  “Yes.” He took the seat across from me and loosened his tie. “I’m asking you now as your friend, not your boss. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” I fiddled with the manila folder on the table. “Why do you ask?”

  “You just seem… distracted. You have for a while. So, I guess what I’m saying is if there’s anything you need to talk about, or if you’re having any issues here—”

  “Nope. No issues at all,” I assured him, not wanting Reid to go on some unnecessary tangent. He was a good person, but could get a little long-winded sometimes. “Honestly, I’m just trying to work out a few things in my personal life. Are you saying it’s interfering with my work?”

  “On the contrary.” He chuckled. “There are no issues with the quality of your work. It’s just that you seem noticeably different and I was simply expressing my concern for you.” He smiled. “We’ve been friends for almost four years now.”

  “This fucking torture’s lasted that long?”

  Reid winked and pushed back his chair. With his dark hair, olive skin, and muscular form, he was actually pretty hot. He also happened to be bisexual. But unfortunately, I couldn’t see anything past Sam. “I’m brutal, I know. By the way, a bunch of us are going down to Hennigan’s Bar tonight if you want to come with? We’re celebrating the boost in sales from the new launch. Or at least that’s the pretense we’re going with.”

  I’d never been that guy who hung with people from work. You wouldn’t find me at a company function or a fucking holiday party. But there was no question I needed a distraction tonight. If I went home, I’d end up sitting on the couch watching mindless television and thinking about Sam. “Sure, that sounds good.”

  Knowing this was out of the norm for me, Reid looked way too fucking happy with my response. I hoped he wasn’t misinterpreting this as an invitation to touch my dick. “Great. Do you want to head over there together?”

  “Nah. I’ll meet you there.”

  I REGRETTED MY decision the second I walked into the bar. It was packed floor to ceiling with people who were already three sheets to the wind. While it was only eight o’clock, most of them had probably been here since happy hour.

  A familiar voice yelled my name. I scanned above a sea of heads to find Reid seated at a corner table with a few guys from work. As I weaved my way through the crowd, I had to duck and move to evade drinks sloshing over rims of glasses.

  “Glad you made it.” Reid scooted over and made room for me in the booth as Tom, one of the IT guys nodded a hello before he stood. “Hey, Tommy, can you get Drew here a beer?” Reid looked to me. “That work?”

  “Yup, works for me.”

  Tom walked away, and Reid turned to me. “So now that we’re in a work-free zone, you going to fill me in on what’s going on with you? Just because I’ve been swamped, doesn’t mean I haven’t noticed something’s up.”

  I debated whether or not to spill my shit to Reid. We were friends, but I was usually pretty tight-lipped about anything too personal. But things were changing. All those die-hard habits I’d had earlier on in my life didn’t seem to be working for me now. My tendency to internalize my feelings made me a fucking time bomb—and I was ready to blow.

  Tom returned with my beer, and the liquid courage was exactly what I needed. I guzzled half the bottle before leaning back against the booth. Reid repeated his question.

  “So, what’s going on?”

  Expelling a breath, I finally responded. “I met someone.” What I meant was, I met my someone, but there was no way in hell those words were leaving my mouth. It sounded too fucking corny. Even the fact that I was thinking it was so beyond the spectrum of what was acceptable for me.

  “I can’t say I’m not disappointed,” he admitted, chuckling. “I’ve been trying to find a way in since you started working at Saks. But you always seemed so closed off.”

  “I was… I am.” I stammered, scrubbing a hand over my face. “Fuck. I don’t know shit anymore.”

  “Whoever this guy is, he certainly has you all turned around.” He lifted his beer bottle and clinked it against mine. “Cheers to the unraveling.”

  I snorted. “Taking pleasure in my demise. Appreciate that.”

  “Hey, at least I can live vicariously for a little while.” He paused and took a swig of beer. “But I’m not following though. If you met someone, then why do you look so miserable?”

  I tipped my head back against the booth. “It’s complicated.”

  Reid squeezed my thigh. “Story of my life. If anyone can commiserate, it’s me.”

  My eyes strayed to where he made contact with my jeans. Years ago, Reid’s hand on my leg would’ve set me off like a fucking rocket. My head filling with notions of all the different ways we could fuck. Now, though, I wanted it gone as quickly as possible. Fortunately, he removed it a second later.

  “I’m glad I didn’t wait by the phone.” My head whipped up to Sam who was standing beside our table. What the hell was he doing here? Sam’s smile was jovial, but his tone didn’t match up. His gaze fell to my leg and I wondered if he saw Reid’s hand there just moments ago.

  “What are you doing here?” My voice carried annoyanc
e and that bothered me. Because inside, it was like seeing the fucking sun for the first time in days. “Are you stalking me?”

  “Stalking you?” He responded like he didn’t understand the question. His eyes drifted between Reid and me. “No.” He pointed behind him, gesturing toward the bar. “My sister lives a few blocks away.”

  Reid stood and shook Sam’s hand. “I’m Reid.”

  Sam’s shoulders were stiff, and so was his response. “Good to meet you. Well… I’m going to get back to my sister. Nice meeting you.” He started to walk away and I slid out of the booth.

  “Sam, wait.” When he pivoted toward me, he refused to meet my eyes. “This isn’t what you think.”

  His gaze shot to mine. “You don’t know what I think. Or what I feel right now for that matter. Listen,” he looked behind me, “I’m sorry I interrupted. Enjoy your night.”

  “Sam.” I didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t know how to ask him to stay. And then it was too late anyway. Because he was gone. But I felt him everywhere.

  Reid’s voice at my back startled me. “I’m going to assume that’s the guy you talked about. And if it is, I’m not sure why you’re still standing here when he’s heading for the door.”

  If anyone had told me I’d be taking advice from Reid about another guy, I would’ve laughed in their face. But for once, I was going to shove all my pride and my fucking fear down my throat, and I was going to take it.

  “Thanks, man,” I called back, already barreling through the crowd. By the time I made it outside, Sam was nowhere to be found. I took my frustration out on the ground, kicking whatever shit I could find. This whole thing was pointless.

  About to go inside, I caught a shadow under the dark awning of the adjacent building. Sam walked out of the darkness and into a streak of light shining onto the pavement. He was too far for me to see his expression, but I didn’t miss the severity in his tone.

  “I know you’re scared, Drew. And I know a lot about fear. I’ve lived with some form of it my whole life.” He waited for someone to pass and stepped closer. “That’s why everything happened the way it did in Hawaii. And I’m truly sorry for not being able to stand up for you when you needed it most. For hurting you. If it would change things, I’d shout it to the world right now.” He inched forward, pulling at the band around his wrist. Now that I could see his face, there was nothing but remorse in his expression. “I dragged Mia to the top of the Empire State Building the other day. I’d never been, and I thought…” He paused, shaking his head. “I wanted to feel that high, that adrenaline rush I felt when we were in Hawaii. But I felt nothing but this crazy, overwhelming fear. That I had lost something valuable. Because it wasn’t anything we did that gave me that feeling—it was you.”