Chasing the High

by Beth Michele

  When the last of the volunteers had gone, I hung back with Joe to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Standing at the sink, I submerged my hands in the hot, sudsy water as he passed me the rest of the dirty plates.

  “Why the long face, son?” He flung a dishtowel over his shoulder. “Aren’t you youngsters supposed to be refreshed or somethin’ after a vacation?”

  I smirked. “For a second there, I thought you were about to tell me a fucking horse joke.”

  “Nah. I save up my sad jokes for someone who’ll actually laugh at them.” He chuckled, snapping one of the striped suspenders against his chest. Of course, since his question was met with silence, he wouldn’t let up. “You know I might be old, and I might not hear as well as I used to, but I can still see plenty. And somethin’ about you is different. I been noticin’ it since you walked in. I thought maybe you’d take pity on me and throw me a scrap, but I’m done waitin’,” he added, as I scrubbed the dishes with a bit more force. “Now are you gonna humor an old man and talk to me, or am I gonna have to resort to talkin’ to myself?”

  Even though I wanted to keep it all in, I knew I could talk to Joe. Sighing, I rinsed off a dish and passed it over to him. “Do you ever wish you could turn back time?”

  A low noise rose from his throat. “Hmph. Only once. When my Louise died.” He glanced up at the ceiling. “About seven years ago now, it is. Been without her for too long already. Don’t look forward to life as much.”

  “I know, Joe. I’m sorry.”

  “Eh.” He waved me off. “She’d get upset if she heard me say that.” He chuckled, his round belly shaking with the sound. “‘You better keep goin’ old man,’ she’d tell me.” His laughter died down. “So let’s see. You’ve been here several years now and I’ve known you since you were a boy. You want to fill me in on what this is all about? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you so…” His lips twisted in thought. “Is that there melancholy the right word?”

  “Fuck, Joe.” I bent my body over the basin of soapy water. “I met a guy, and… he made me feel that someone like me had a shot, and—”

  “Now wait just a minute, son.” Joe cut me off, dragging the towel over a dish before setting it down on the counter. “What do you mean, ‘someone like you?’”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  He shook his head, a coarse strand of hair falling over one eye. “Not to me.”

  I stared down into the murky dishwater. “I’m damaged goods.”

  “You hold it right there.” Joe’s tone was stern and I had no choice but to lean into his voice. He waited until he had my full attention. “I didn’t know ‘bout what your father was doin’ because you didn’t tell me.” His jaw ticked, nostrils flared out to the side. “And I know why you couldn’t. I ain’t blamin’ you.” He released a jagged breath. “But no one escapes this life without a little damage. And maybe, yeah okay, maybe yours is a bit more than some, but that doesn’t mean you ain’t deservin’.” The anger in his voice simmered. “Because you are. I mean, look at you. You got out of here. Some of us weren’t so lucky. Yet here you are. You didn’t forget where you came from.”

  Sweat matted my hair to my forehead and I slicked it back with my fingers. “I guess.”

  “There ain’t no guessin’ about it. So where is this boy now?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t know. Somewhere in Jersey.” A dish slipped from my hand and dropped into the water. “I just… well, I got scared and took off.”

  “Fear’ll do that to you.” He stacked the plates one on top of the other. “After my Louise died, I was afraid of everything. She was like my rock, you know, and when she passed it was like I’d lost my blanket.” Joe looked down into the cloudy water, eyes glazing over. “Sounds odd comin’ from an old man.”

  “Nah.” I plunged my hands into the warm suds and pulled out a glass. “It’s just…I let my guard down. I didn’t want to, didn’t mean to, but somehow he got in. And now, I can’t seem to get him out.”

  Joe let out a throaty laugh. “Sounds like true love to me.”

  My body tensed up. No fucking way. “Nope, no love here, Joe.”

  As if he sensed my reluctance to talk about it further, he rocked his head toward the door. “Come on, you’re gettin’ all pruned up. Let’s take a break and grab a soda.”

  I swung a leg over the bench seat and waited for Joe. He returned with two cans of Coke and sat as he handed me one. Flicking the tab, I knocked back a long sip, a rush of sugar making my head spin. “Oh. I almost forgot.” I placed the can down then leaned back to search the front pocket of my jeans. It took a second to dig out the small plastic bag. I pushed it toward the center of the table. “This is for you.”

  Joe stared at the bag for a long time before finally picking it up. “What’s this?”

  As always, I played it off. Didn’t want Joe thinking I was a fucking sentimental fool. “Nothing much. Just a little something from the island,” I offered, as he peeled away the tape and slid the necklace out. “It’s made from the Hawaiian Puka Shell and that’s a Hawaiian fishhook. I remember you telling me those stories about those rare times your dad took you fishing, and,” I shrugged, “I thought you might like it.”

  Joe closed his eyes, squeezing the necklace tight in his hand. When he opened them again, they were verging on tears. “Thank you, son, for thinking about this old man.”

  “I could never forget you, Joe. Now put the fucking thing on already before I start sobbing over here.”

  He laughed as he rubbed the wetness from his eye. “Let me just get this darn thing unclasped.” Once he secured it around his neck, he tugged on the hook. “This is the best gift, right here.”

  “Good. I’m glad you like it.” I guzzled more soda, swallowing the emotion building in my throat. Unable to remember what my life was like before Joe. Since I was never any good with words, I hoped this gift would suffice.

  “Did you buy anythin’ for yourself?” he questioned, and automatically my fingers drifted to the empty spot around my neck before I dropped my hand.

  “Nope.”

  Joe rubbed a thumb over his cracked lower lip. “Do you want to talk about this fella? Because I’ll be honest with you. I’ve known you a lot of years, and, no one has ever caught your fancy. But this one, whoever he is, he’s caught your fancy.”

  “Caught my fancy?” I teased. “Joe, do people even say that anymore?”

  “I do,” he answered with a grin that showed off his chipped front tooth. “Don’t try to steer me off the course. What do you propose you’re gonna do?”

  “Nothing.” I downed the rest of the soda and slammed the can on the table. “I handed him something I should’ve kept to myself. I won’t make that mistake again. Anyway, it’s better this way. I’m better off alone.”

  “As far as I can tell, I think you handed him somethin’ pretty important, like maybe that heart of yours. And I for one say it’s about damn time.”

  “Joe.”

  “Don’t Joe me. I’m too damn old and I can spot bullshit a mile away.” He stood and swiped his can off the table. “You want to lie to yourself, go right on ahead. But don’t be lyin’ to me.”

  I met his hard glare with one of my own. “So it’s like that?”

  “I’m afraid it is, son.” His annoyance lessened on a sigh. “You know, shortly after I met my Louise, we had a fight about somethin’ that meant a lot to her. And of course, I was being stubborn.” He chuckled. “Not much has changed. But, I asked myself one question. Is this person someone I could live my life without? Or would my life be all the better by havin’ them in it?”

  Joe walked away and I sunk my head into my hands. It was swirling with thoughts of Sam, wondering exactly how I got myself into this fucking mess to begin with. Up until five weeks ago, I had a firm handle on my life. It may not have been the most exciting one, but at least it was mine and I was in control. Only now I was scrambling to get it back. Fuck.

  As much as I wanted to deny it, Joe wa
s right. I might have been a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. I knew how I ended up here.

  Fucking lemons.

  And too many Goddamn smiles.

  The way Sam looked at me, it was as if… I had value. I didn’t fucking understand it. Not when the reflection always staring back at me in the mirror was an empty shell. Void of anything that mattered. Like one of those defective items in a store. That dish you saw from a distance and thought was awesome, but as you got closer, you’d notice a chip and put it back on the shelf—or in the trash—where it belonged.

  Joe’s firm hand on my shoulder startled me. “You’ll figure this out. I know you will.” His confidence in me wasn’t enough to make me raise my head. I didn’t want him to see how much this was tearing me apart. I listened to his shoes tapping on the concrete floor as he walked away, until there was a break in the sound. “I never had me a son. But if I had, I would’ve been wantin’ him to be just like you.”

  Choked up with emotion, I sat for a while, unmoving, thinking about Joe’s words. How my life had changed since I’d met Sam. I was no longer satisfied. I wanted more.

  I wanted Sam.

  But I refused to put myself at risk again. And I was pretty sure he didn’t want me anyway.

  Why would he?

  A LOUD KNOCK on the door jolted me from a dream I didn’t want to wake from. A dream about Drew. They were always about Drew these days.

  I clenched my eyes shut and ignored the sound, trying to get back to our tangled legs and his steady heartbeat against my chest. But whoever it was wouldn’t give up.

  With a groan, I threw off the sheets and kicked my legs over the edge of the bed. My eyes were rough from sleep and I scrubbed a hand over them before heading to the door. Halfway there, I glanced down realizing I was only in my boxers and my erection was prominent. “Hold on,” I called out as I doubled back to my room. A folded pair of shorts were lying on my desk chair and I tugged them on.

  The banging subsided and part of me was hoping whoever it was had left. I wasn’t in the mood to socialize. Not that I ever was. Plus, I had something important to do today and a ton of writing to catch up on. My sister’s scowl when I opened the door was unexpected, and I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

  “You think it’s funny I’ve been standing out in the heat for fifteen minutes with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that I drove twenty miles to buy after driving here from the city?” Her nostrils flared as she shoved the box against my chest. “Just for you, I might add.” Mia brushed past me and another laugh slipped out.

  “I’m sorry, Tiny. But… you’re funny when you’re angry. It’s like watching a Muppet.”

  Her mouth fell open, hands flew to her waist. “A Muppet?”

  “Yeah.” I opened the box of doughnuts and my eyes glazed over at the sugar-fest. “You know, Muppets are too adorable.”

  Lips that were set in a hard line, softened. “Oh.” She crossed over to me, looping her arm through mine. “Let’s go eat some doughnuts.” On the way to the kitchen, she stopped short and I stumbled. She glanced around the living room. “What the… what happened in here?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It looks… sterile or something. Jesus, it’s too clean. So clean you could probably perform surgery in here.” She toned it down once she saw my expression. “I mean, it looks nice, it’s just that—”

  “Relax, Mia. I had extra time so I did some summer cleaning.”

  She left my side and walked to the far corner of the room where two oak bookshelves lined the wall. As she stood there staring, I pulled at the leather around my wrist. “Sam, you… you organized all your books by size?”

  “I’m really hungry. You hungry?” I escaped to the kitchen and slumped on a stool at the center island, pulling a Boston Cream doughnut from the box. Partway into the cream, Mia bounced onto the seat beside me.

  “Listen, I know it’s been two weeks and you haven’t heard anything, but…” I wanted to tell her it had been three, but who’s keeping track? Drew wasn’t a topic I wanted to discuss. Per usual, my sister had other plans. “How can a guy who works in web not be on Facebook? And I mean, I get not having a hardline phone and all that, but I’m still kind of flabbergasted you didn’t exchange cell numbers in Hawaii and—”

  “Mia.” I sighed. “We’ve been over this already. He has a Facebook page but it’s private and he wasn’t accepting friends. I started to send a message but figured it would end up in spam anyway. And you already know we were with each other practically the entire trip and didn’t have a reason to exchange numbers.” I hopped off the stool and opened the fridge to grab the juice. “You want OJ? I don’t feel like making coffee.”

  “Sure. Oh! Have you called the department stores in Manhattan?”

  After retrieving two glasses from the cabinet, I placed them on the counter and filled them with orange juice. “Mia,” I shot her a look over my shoulder, “I appreciate your eagerness, I do. But do you know how many department stores there are in New York City? I’m not doing that. Besides, if he wanted to find me, he could. He knows I write and I do have a website.” Unable to handle the sympathy in her expression, I glanced away.

  “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

  My fingers curled tight around the edge of the counter. “It’s fine.” It was so far from fine. But I didn’t know what else to do except try to erase Drew from my mind. The challenging part was getting him out of my heart.

  “So were you going to write today? Because it’s rare I have a Saturday off and I was thinking we could take a ride to the Jersey shore. Mom wanted to go to Bloomingdale’s, but I can never get her out of there and I do not want to spend the entire day there.”

  I passed Mia her juice and sat back down. “Actually, I’m heading to the Bronx today for some research.”

  She paused with the glass in her hand. “Research? What type of research?”

  “For a new book I’m writing.” Finished with the doughnut, I scooped up the crumbs and tossed them into the trash.

  She lifted her blonde brows and smiled. “Mind if I tag along?”

  “Uh. If you like, but it isn’t going to be anything glamorous.” My gaze dropped to the pink Chucks on her feet. “Good thing you wore sneakers because we’re going to be doing a lot of walking.”

  “Sounds mysterious.” She raised her glass in the air. “I’m in.”

  ONE TRAIN AND two subway rides later, Mia was already regretting her decision to join me. “Okay. Where are we going? I’m all about the mystery, but how much longer are we going to be sitting on the subway? My ass is getting flat.”

  “Listen, feisty. We’re almost there.”

  She groaned, repositioning herself on the seat and glancing around the car before finding something else to pester me about. “Have you heard from Glenn?”

  My answering laugh held little humor. “I haven’t and I doubt I will. Which is odd considering we were friends for so long. I don’t know. I think he expected me to jump when he came to Hawaii, but once I sat him down and told him about Drew, that was it. Considering he was the one who walked away, he was pretty pissed. Kept telling me that Drew was a rebound and I’d never find anyone who understood me like he did.”

  Her face twisted in disgust. “He said that?”

  “Yup. Word for word. But people say all sorts of things when they’re coming from a place of hurt.”

  “Oh my God. You sound just like Mom.” I grinned. Mia was never a fan of Mom’s psychobabble. “She would be so proud. Which reminds me, they want to have a family dinner next Friday. Dad was complaining to me the other day it’s been a while since he’s done a recording.” She giggled. “So brace yourself.” The train conductor broke into our conversation with his announcement for the next stop. Mia tipped her head back and grumbled when she didn’t see me getting up. “Where. Are. We. Going?”

  “I told you—”

  “Yes, I know what you said. But I’m not buying what you’re selling. So tell m
e what we’re really doing?”

  “Okay.” My fingers toyed with the band around my wrist. “We’re going to the Bronx. I want to see where Drew grew up.”

  Her expression dipped from agitation into one of concern. “What? Why?”

  I shrugged, trying to put what I was feeling into words. “It’s my way of being closer to him, I guess. I know that sounds… peculiar.”

  “Not to someone who loves you, it doesn’t.” She leaned her head against my shoulder. “I can see how much you miss him, Sammy. And you know what I think? I think the heart always finds a way.”

  My head whipped around so fast, she almost fell over. “What did you just say?”

  “I said—”

  “I know what you said. But… Mia, this woman I sat next to on the plane said almost the exact same thing to me. I feel a bit like I’m in the twilight zone.”

  Mia dug in her purse and fished out a pack of Bubble Yum. She held it out to me and I shook my head. “Maybe it’s a sign. The universe is saying that love always finds a way.”

  “Love? Who said anything about love?” But even as I protested, my heart was a frantic beat in my chest. As if it knew something I didn’t.

  MIA WAS QUIET as we walked the streets of the South Bronx. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for conversation either. Not as we passed storefronts and apartment buildings with lead bars on their windows. Or homeless people holding cardboard signs asking for money. Between the two of us, we emptied our wallets. It was the only thing I could do to stave off the sadness penetrating my chest.

  Privileged was the only word to describe how we grew up. There was never a time where we wanted for anything. Meanwhile, close by, people were starving and barely making ends meet.