Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  Alicia looked at him. It would be foolish to think he had any more fondness for Craig than she had for Sabrina, and knowing how much the affair had hurt her brother made her hate Sabrina all the more for not treating Robert with the love and respect he deserved. ‘I think he did,’ she said softly. ‘He always adored the children.’

  Robert looked as though would have liked to say more, but whatever it was, it didn’t materialise, and she wondered if alongside his resentment of Craig he was feeling his old sadness at not having any children of his own. A long time ago he and Sabrina had been through the tumultuous hope and despair of fertility treatment, but it hadn’t worked and in the end he’d declared himself perfectly happy to be a devoted stepdad and uncle. Though he was wonderful in both roles, Alicia and her mother had always known how deeply disappointed he was in himself for not being able to father his own child.

  ‘I have no problem at all imagining Nat as a leading QC one of these days,’ he said, the gentleness of his tone conveying only affection for his nephew, and no jealousy or anger towards Craig. ‘You’ll be very proud of him.’

  Loving him for caring about Nat, Alicia said, ‘I already am, which is why I’m praying hard that losing his father, and making this change, right in the middle of sixth form, doesn’t send him off the rails. I don’t think I could bear it if it did.’

  ‘He’s always had his head screwed on the right way,’ Robert reminded her reassuringly. ‘I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about there.’

  She smiled. ‘Thank you for that. Now, before I go any further into the insufferably boastful mother routine, am I allowed to ask how things are going in the world of rocket science?’

  His eyes lit with humour. ‘Alicia, I’ve seen your expression glaze far too many times in the past to be tempted down that road now. It’s still all very dry, and highly confidential, and as frustrating as ever when there are so many governments involved. I can tell you this much though, provided you repeat it to no one, my latest project has developed a very interesting side effect that could, I stress could, provide a new kind of energy source that would kick most other oil alternatives out of the arena. However, it has a long way to go before it reaches a viable stage, and for the moment we don’t want the press getting hold of it, because it’s bound to be misunderstood, or blown out of all proportion.’

  Her head tilted playfully to one side as she regarded him. ‘I always knew we’d be able to rely on my brother to solve the world’s problems,’ she teased.

  He laughed. ‘Right now I’d settle for solving a few of my sister’s, but she’s proving even harder to deal with than the current US regime, and that’s saying something.’

  ‘I’m sure it is, but honestly, I can manage. And stop trying to return the subject to me, because I haven’t finished with you yet. Are you still travelling as much as you used to?’

  ‘More,’ he sighed. ‘I only got back from Washington yesterday, I’m off to Helsinki on Tuesday. Then comes Dubai, followed by Rome. After that, I shall be with my team for a month at the labs.’

  ‘Hectic,’ she agreed. ‘Are the labs still in No Man’s Land?’ It was the phrase they’d always used for Wiltshire, because the actual location of his research facility was as classified as the projects themselves.

  He nodded. ‘At least when I’m there I get to come home at night.’

  ‘Which must be a great comfort to your wife,’ she commented, hoping there wasn’t too much of an edge to her voice. ‘Does she ever accompany you on your trips?’

  ‘Less now than she used to. She’s afraid to leave Annabelle for long, even though Annabelle insists she’s perfectly capable of taking care of herself.’

  Alicia smiled. ‘I can almost hear her,’ she said. ‘How old is she now? Fifteen, sixteen?’

  ‘Going on twenty-five. Luckily she gives me an easier time than she does her mother, which isn’t saying much considering how often I’m away.’

  Unable to summon any sympathy for Sabrina, Alicia said, ‘You were always quite close, you two.’

  ‘I like to think so, but these days I think she sees me less as a father than as a brainless moron who’s become disconnected from the real world.’

  ‘Charming.’

  ‘She can be that too, when it suits her, which is usually when she wants something, but I guess that’s the same with most children.’

  Alicia rolled her eyes in agreement. ‘Darcie’s got it down to a fine art already,’ she confessed. ‘She could twist Craig around her little finger in ten seconds flat.’

  He smiled. ‘She must be missing him,’ he said, his tone managing to convey more sympathy for Darcie than antipathy for Craig.

  Alicia’s eyes went down as she nodded.

  After a while he glanced at his watch. ‘I guess I should be getting home,’ he said. ‘Sabrina’s taken herself off on some sponsored walk for the day, and Annabelle’s staying with a friend, so I can shut myself in my study without being accused of neglect. And you have to get to the station.’

  ‘There’s still plenty of time,’ she reminded him, ‘but I do need to make up the beds. No, don’t worry, I’m not about to rope you in for assistance, but if you’re on your own today, why don’t you come and join our barbecue at five? I know Nat would love to see you.’

  His expression was more eloquent than his words as he said, ‘There’s nothing I’d like better, but I think I’d better take a rain check for today. Coming here now has already created a …’ he searched for the word, ‘situation, so I don’t want to make things worse.’

  ‘Of course not. I understand. Just as long as you know this is still your home any time you want to come.’

  Getting to his feet he drew her into a brotherly embrace. ‘Thank you,’ he said, clearly meaning it.

  As she pulled away she looked into his wonderfully gentle eyes. ‘Tell me,’ she said, her voice a little shaky, ‘did we do the right thing in forgiving them?’

  He took a breath and expelled it slowly. ‘I’ve often asked myself the same question,’ he admitted, ‘and the only answer I can come up with is that love can make you as weak as it can strong, and when you’re afraid of losing someone you start holding on even tighter, even though it might be better for you to let them go.’

  Knowing exactly what he meant, she said, ‘Do you think you really have forgiven her? In your heart of hearts?’

  Again he gave it some thought. ‘Probably as much as you forgave Craig,’ he replied. ‘It’s forgetting that’s the bigger problem.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’ she sighed. ‘But you do understand that I can’t forgive her?’

  He looked at her sadly and pressed a kiss to her forehead. ‘Maybe one day this will all be behind us and forgiving and forgetting will no longer be an issue,’ he said. ‘For now, I think we’re all still stumbling our way there.’

  Feeling certain he was some way ahead of her in forgiving Craig, she linked his arm and walked with him to the door.

  ‘Say hi to Nat for me,’ he said as he stepped outside.

  ‘Of course. And don’t forget to text me your new mobile number.’

  ‘Consider it done.’

  As he walked down the path she stood watching him, no longer seeing the man he’d grown into, but remembering the boy he’d once been, and a time when life had seemed so innocent and uncomplicated – and untarnished by the selfishness of two lovers who’d caused them both so much heartache and pain.

  Chapter Five

  Sabrina was walking, walking and walking. Her feet were covering the miles, her heart was beating the pace. There had been a rain shower just now, but neither she nor her fellow walkers had paused. This was for charity. They, who had so much, were raising money to help those who had nothing at all.

  Though her legs ached, and her trainers pinched, she kept on going, hardly feeling the pain, or registering anything around her. She was cushioned by memories, propelled by her now impossible love, drawn to the finish by futile and childish promises that
when she crossed the line Craig would be waiting to catch her. She was doing this for him, to prove that she’d never given up on him, and to show herself that she never would.

  They’d been in Italy for over a week by now, and the heat was relentless. The olive trees in the terraced groves covering the hillsides around their villa glistened like silver in the afternoon sun, the ground was dusty, cracked and parched. Up here, on this hill, where the villa sat like a small fortress overlooking the gentle sweep and rise of the valley, there was a perfect, crystalline pool to cool off in, and shady pergolas to wander through or lie under, thick with the scents of jasmine and colourful roses.

  About an hour ago Alicia and Monica had set out for Siena, taking Annabelle and Darcie with them. The men hadn’t shown any interest in accompanying them, and Sabrina had cried off at the last minute, saying it was too hot to go mingling with crowds of tourists, and she really couldn’t bear all those endless queues to see a few crumbling churches and a bunch of tortured old saints. She’d prefer just to relax by the pool with a good book, she’d said, but later, when it cooled down a little, she’d drive into the village to shop for dinner. It was her turn to cook tonight, and she was planning an assortment of antipasti that she intended to pick up at Luigi’s, along with some fresh pasta and all the other deliciously fresh ingredients she needed for the sauce.

  Now, as she strolled from the shadows of the sitting room where Nat and Robert were playing chess in front of the vast empty fireplace, the sudden glare of the sun caused her to squint. She lowered her glasses from the top of her head to shield her eyes, then sauntered on across the terrace and down the steps, where plumbago tumbled like powdery blue stars over the gnarled and crumbling stone, to the pool.

  She wondered why she always felt so aroused in the sun. Maybe it was the heat forcing her to take off her clothes, or the sensation of air on her almost naked skin. Or maybe it was the looks she and Craig had been exchanging over the last few days. She knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him, she could see it in his eyes, and feel it in the tension that sparked between them like the flashes of heat lightning that daggered the night sky.

  As she walked towards him now, sharp and exquisite sensations were shooting like darts between her legs. They were making her want to touch herself, or tear off the two small shimmering pieces of bikini she was wearing, in order to abandon herself to the power of an exhilarating desire.

  Though his eyes were closed as he lay in the shade of a parasol, she guessed he was only dozing, if he was asleep at all. She gazed hungrily at his body. It was long and hard, and still wet from the pool. She’d spent many hours lately wishing she could remove his shorts in order to make the picture complete. In her mind’s eye she had no trouble conjuring images of his cock, swollen with lust, throbbing just for her, or of his tapering fingers sliding over her breasts. In her imagination they’d already fucked a hundred times, savagely, sweatily, insatiably – today, she felt sure, it was going to become a reality.

  ‘Hi,’ he murmured, opening his eyes as her shadow fell over him.

  She smiled and stretched her arms lazily over her head. She was enjoying the tautness of her stomach, and the sensation of her skimpy bikini bottom riding down to where there should be pubic hair, but wasn’t. Her skin was a deep golden brown; her legs were long and bare and close enough for him to reach out and touch.

  ‘It must be near to forty degrees,’ he commented, glancing towards the sun.

  ‘Mm,’ she responded, and shaking loose her hair she lay down on the bed parallel to his.

  For a long time they simply soaked up the stillness, hearing only the buzz of cicadas, and the droning of the pump that cleared the pool. She wondered if he’d raised one knee to hide his erection, and smiled secretly to herself. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted a man in her life, and she sensed it was the same for him. The only difference between them was that he was still trying to resist it.

  She sensed him turn to look at her, and waited for him to speak, but it was a while before he said, huskily, ‘You look sensational in that bikini.’

  She smiled. ‘I’m glad you think so, because I had you in mind when I bought it.’

  The sexual charge in the air sharpened and was suddenly burning hotter than the sun.

  He said nothing.

  Her eyes remained closed behind the dark lenses, her heart was thudding quietly beneath the hardened bud of her nipple. ‘No one will know,’ she said softly.

  When he didn’t respond she turned to look at him and found him staring past her to the house.

  ‘We can’t,’ he said. ‘There’s too much at stake.’

  ‘Only if they find out, and if we’re careful, there’s no reason why they should.’ She wouldn’t tell him yet that the risk would drive her wild, he’d find out soon enough.

  He looked away and more breathless, expectant minutes ticked by.

  In the end, accepting that to do anything here, at the villa, for the first time would be too hard for him, she swung her feet to the ground, and said, ‘Come with me to buy something for dinner.’

  His eyes rose to hers and as she brushed the back of one hand over her breasts she saw him swallow.

  ‘Where’s Nat?’ he asked.

  ‘Still playing chess with Robert.’

  He nodded, and a note of irony came into his tone as he said, ‘For once he’s not playing draughts with Annabelle.’

  Amused, she said, ‘Do you think that’s what they’re doing when they shut themselves up in her room?’

  ‘At their age, I hope so.’

  Teasing him, she said, ‘At their age, is that what you would have done? Play draughts?’

  He laughed. ‘I doubt it.’ Then getting to his feet he said, ‘I’ll go and see if either if them want to come with us.’

  Hiding her dismay she watched him pick up his towel and book. ‘I’ll meet you at the car in ten minutes,’ she told him as he walked away.

  His hand went up to let her know he’d heard, and presumably to say he’d be there. Hopefully alone.

  Taking a side entrance into the villa, she went up to her room, tied a sarong over her bikini to form a dress, then rolled her hair into a clip before picking up her purse. She’d remove the sarong when she reached the car – maybe she’d remove the bikini as well, provided Nat and Robert weren’t there.

  She found them still intent on their game when she wandered back through the sitting room. There was no sign of Craig. ‘Are either of you coming to the village?’ she asked, stifling a yawn.

  Robert shook his head. ‘Craig’s already asked, and I’m about to be beaten so we’re staying here.’

  She feigned a moment’s interest in the board, then feeling Nat’s eyes on her she looked at him and smiled. He didn’t smile back, and she could sense his antipathy. She’d known for a long time that he didn’t like her, mainly because he wasn’t sophisticated enough to hide it, and the feeling was mutual. She had no time for boys who considered themselves men long before their time, and who watched her with eyes that seemed to see too much. He couldn’t know about her and his father, because, as yet, there was nothing to know, but smug little bastard that he was, he always made her feel that he knew she wasn’t to be trusted.

  Putting more sweetness into her smile, she dropped a kiss on Robert’s head, and sauntered off to the car.

  It was parked in a clearing at the end of the drive, out of view of the house, but in full sight of the road that snaked past outside. As usual there was no sign of traffic, just a couple of geckos scuttling across the track to the shade of a cactus on the other side.

  Craig was already in the driver’s seat with the engine running.

  Untying her sarong, she slipped into the passenger seat next to him, and as their eyes met she knew with certainty that, at last, they had reached the point of no return.

  Alicia was waiting close to the exit gate when Nat’s train pulled into Castle Cary station, bang on time. A clutch of anxious and excited
butterflies were on a merry spree inside her, reminding her of how she used to feel when she was first dating Craig (and later, after the affair, but in an awful way then, when even to think of him would cause her insides to clench with dread). Today she was experiencing only joyful anticipation, knowing her son was on this train and for the first time in three days she’d be able to wrap him in her arms and know he was safe.

  As the doors began to swing open and people to clamber down, she glanced searchingly along the platform, ready to wave as soon as she saw him. She could picture his face already, lighting up when he spotted her, and Summer, with her autumn-coloured hair and prettily freckled cheeks bobbing along beside him.

  Minutes ticked by. The platform started to empty, and with each passing second the sparkles of her anticipation were turning to dust. He’d texted to say he was on this train, so he had to be here. Maybe he’d had to get off early for some reason, but if he had he’d have called to let her know. She must have missed him. Somehow he’d been masked by the crowd, and he was already outside, looking for her. But there hadn’t been a crowd, no more than a dozen people had got off, and she was right by the gate.

  Panic welled up inside her as the guard began closing the doors. She had to stop him. She couldn’t let the train go until Nat was off.

  ‘Excuse me,’ she said, her voice sounding shaky and shrill. What was she going to say? ‘Have you seen…? My son was supposed to be on this…’

  ‘Hey, Mum!’

  She looked up and relief unravelled so fast inside her that she almost sobbed. He was here. Nothing bad had happened to him. Her precious boy was safe and swaggering towards her in his cool, teenage way, a heavy bag slung across one shoulder, his dark jeans and T-shirt tight enough to his body to show how close he was now to becoming a man. He was already almost as tall as his father had been, and shaving had lately become a daily event. Luckily his voice had long since shed all the lingering squawks of puberty and his complexion was, more or less, free of the spots that made some of his less fortunate friends’ faces look like the inside of a kiwi fruit, as Craig had once put it, making her cry with laughter.