Lost Innocence

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Funny you should mention that one,’ Lisa remarked, leading him through to the tech room where one of her colleagues was spot-checking the most recent video recording. ‘I had a call from Sabrina Paige this morning, asking if I’d talk to Annabelle.’

  ‘Oh?’ he said, perching on the edge of a desk.

  ‘According to her mother, Annabelle’s starting to feel sorry for Nathan and his sister, so she’s considering dropping the charge. Mrs Paige thinks this might be typical behaviour for a victim, so she’d like me to persuade Annabelle to see it through.’

  Bevan pulled a face. ‘So what are you going to do?’ he asked.

  ‘Talk to Annabelle, and find out how she’s really feeling. She’s at school now, and my schedule’s chock-a-block here, so it’ll probably have to wait till next week.’

  He glanced at his watch, checking the date. ‘I think the Carlyle boy’s up for committal some time soon,’ he said, ‘unless the CPS cracks and gives his lawyers what they want. Ash has got herself totally involved in it, of course. She thinks the same as me, that the boy’s lies at the start are going to hang him, so she’s not letting up on the weasel either. Wouldn’t want to be in his shoes, that’s for sure, but it’ll be interesting to find out what young Annabelle has to say when you do manage to talk to her.’

  ‘Alicia, I’m sorry I’m late,’ Jolyon apologised, hurrying into the Hotel du Vin’s restaurant where she was already sitting with the menus and a glass of wine. ‘It’s been hectic around here these last few days. How are you?’ he said, kissing her on both cheeks. ‘Thanks for driving all this way. I’d have come to you, but I’m in court for the next three days, and then it’s the committal, and I wanted to talk to you before…’

  ‘It’s fine,’ Alicia assured him. ‘I’m happy to get out of Holly Wood once in a while, especially when you’re treating me to lunches like this.’

  He smiled, and after ordering a glass of wine for himself, he said, ‘I know the menu pretty well, so I’m ready to order when you are.’

  After choosing an arugula salad with pears, tomatoes and pine nuts, she handed the menu back to the waiter and gazed intently at Jolyon. ‘Since I got your call I’ve been torn between intrigue and nerves waiting to find out what this is about,’ she confessed. ‘I keep telling myself if it was good news you wouldn’t have made me wait, but I don’t think you’d have put me through this for bad news either, so…’ she shrugged, ‘over to you.’

  With an affectionate smile he said, ‘First of all, it’s looking as though we’ll have to go through with the committal. As you know, Oliver’s doing his damnedest to get the case thrown out, or at least to reduce the charge, and he’s still confident he can make one or other happen. It’s just unlikely to be before Thursday, which is a shame, because, in my opinion, Nat’s already been through enough.’

  Alicia was in total agreement with that. ‘You got my email about how tense he is, did you?’ she asked. ‘He’s so close to breaking, I’m not sure how much more he can take.’

  ‘Yes, I got your email,’ he told her, ‘and I also received one from Nat, who’s worried about you and Darcie. He’s not telling me anything about how he’s feeling himself, but it’s there, between the lines. He’s understandably very frightened, and I agree with you, I think he’s close to breaking. That’s why I wanted us to talk.’

  Swallowing dryly, Alicia kept her eyes on his.

  ‘I’m assuming you’ve still not discussed the affair with him,’ Jolyon said.

  She shook her head. ‘I’ve tried a couple of times, but he won’t let me go there, and to be honest, I don’t know what to say about it that might make him feel any better.’

  He nodded soberly, seeming to understand her predicament. ‘The point I’m getting to,’ he said, ‘is that Oliver and I both think he needs to start dealing with his grief before this goes any further. In many ways he’s like a ticking bomb, and it won’t help him at all if he explodes in front of a judge.’

  Alicia’s eyes went down. ‘No, of course not,’ she mumbled.

  ‘He’s never discussed this with me,’ Jolyon went on, ‘but I know he’s very angry and confused. His father’s come crashing off that pedestal we mentioned before, and Nat doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces. I can understand that he doesn’t feel able to talk to you, because he won’t want to remind you of how hurt you were by the affair, and I’m pretty sure that a part of his problem is trying to deal with your pain. You mean more to him than anything, and all he can see right now is that his father, his idol, has behaved in a way that’s gone against everything he’s ever preached to his son. I’ve no doubt he thinks he hates Craig and wishes he could find a way to punish him, but death doesn’t allow for that, so along with everything else, grief, love, fear of what’s going to happen in the future, it’s all staying bottled up inside him. Somehow, we have to find a way to help him let it go, and you’re probably the only one who can do it. As his mother, you can, to some degree, speak for his father, and that’s what would help him more than anything right now, to hear something from his father that will enable him to deal with everything else.’

  Sitting back as their food arrived, Alicia barely even saw it as she tried to think what to do. Though Jolyon’s words were making sense, and she was ready to do anything to help her son, she hardly knew where to begin. Once the waiter had gone she said, ‘If I can manage to get him to talk about the affair…Do I tell him…? What kind of detail should I go into?’

  ‘Probably not too deep,’ Jolyon replied, ‘but treat him as an adult. Admit that it was really hard for you, which will be tough for him to hear, but if he knows you continued to love his father in spite of what he did, he might find it easier to forgive him. Tell him what it was like between you and Craig after the affair. He needs to know that his father died loving you and his family, and not wishing he was with someone else.’

  Her heart was thudding painfully. ‘I understand what you’re saying,’ she told him, ‘but I don’t know if that’s the truth. The things Sabrina’s said, the stress he was under towards the end. I can’t help thinking it was because he wanted to be with her.’

  Squeezing her hand, he said, ‘I really don’t think that was the case, but it’s important for Nat to start seeing his father as a man who was every bit as capable of character weaknesses as he was of being the pillar of strength Nat knew.’

  Already dreading the encounter, she said, ‘How soon do I need to do it?’

  Jolyon sipped his wine as he thought. ‘It wouldn’t be wise just to wade on in there, that way you could do more harm than good. Give yourself some time to think it over, decide what you want to say and how you’re going to say it, then make sure you’re alone in the house when you sit him down. Meantime, feel free to call me 24/7 if there’s anything you want to ask or discuss.’

  ‘Yes, this is Mrs Paige speaking,’ Sabrina said into the phone.

  ‘Hello, I’m calling from Dr Feverel’s office,’ the voice at the other end told her. ‘I’m just confirming Annabelle’s appointment for the day after tomorrow at ten o’clock.’

  ‘Oh yes, thank you,’ Sabrina said. ‘She’ll be there.’

  ‘She knows she mustn’t eat or drink anything during the twelve hours before, does she?’

  ‘Yes, she does. Um, actually, her father will be bringing her.’ She wouldn’t say stepfather, because things being what they were these days, someone might presume Robert was the rapist.

  ‘That’s fine,’ the receptionist assured her.

  Sabrina wanted to explain why, as Annabelle’s mother, she wouldn’t be there, but unless she lied, which she’d considered, she’d have to admit that Annabelle didn’t want her to be. Those weren’t words she could speak aloud to anyone, even herself, so after thanking the receptionist politely she put the phone down and heaved a tremulous sigh.

  Then, doing her best to push aside the rejection she was feeling from both her husband and her daughter, she turned to a problem that she might be mor
e easily able to cope with: the printer and his exorbitant new prices.

  Alicia was sitting on the floor in her mother’s study, surrounded by her father’s old letters. The urge to read them had suddenly come over her while she and Cameron were looking around a half-derelict barn that morning, and by the time she got home it still hadn’t gone away.

  It was strange, she was thinking now, as tears rolled down her cheeks, how feelings could come out of nowhere and with such force that they seemed to have words to make themselves heard. There was no explaining the need she’d suddenly felt to have the only contact she could with her father, it was simply there, a solid yet gentle insistence that had remained with her until she’d sat down half an hour ago with this cluttered little box.

  The handwritten lines were too blurred for her to read the letter she was holding for a second time, but she would when she’d managed to pull herself together. There were whispers of gratitude inside her that wanted to be spoken, but when she tried they were broken apart by sobs. Was it really her father who’d brought her to this box today? Had he, from some other dimension, in some mystical way, managed to communicate his advice into her thoughts, so that she’d find this letter at a time when she couldn’t have needed it more?

  ‘Thank you,’ she finally managed as she pressed the letter to her chest. ‘Thank you, thank you.’

  For days, since she’d spoken to Jolyon, she’d been trying to find a way to approach Nat, and now, having read this letter, she knew exactly how to do it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  ‘Sabrina, why do you keep checking the time?’ June complained. ‘Are you expecting someone? Or do you have to be somewhere?’

  ‘Sorry. I’m waiting for a call from Robert, but it’s probably still too early.’

  ‘I’ll say. It’s still only half past four in the morning on the East Coast.’

  ‘He came back yesterday,’ Sabrina told her. ‘He’s had to go up to London… There’s an important meeting he had to make and I…Well, I just keep wondering how it’s going.’

  ‘So why don’t you call him to find out?’

  ‘It won’t be over yet. I’ll try in about an hour. So, do you think we’re about ready with the next issue?’

  June sat back and folded her arms. They were in their usual office space at the back of the stately home where she rented a flat, and where a huddle of tourists was, at that moment, strolling past the window having a good look in. ‘More or less,’ she replied, ignoring their audience, ‘except the piece on the Roswells’ party isn’t quite complete, or not from what I’ve been hearing.’

  Sabrina shifted uncomfortably, as the bruise on her upper lip seemed to throb like a beacon.

  ‘Felicity Singer-Smythe’s hairdresser, who also happens to be my hairdresser,’ June said smoothly, ‘informs me that Alicia socked you one, then Robert spilt his drink down your dress and bundled you off home. So what on earth happened?’

  ‘That’s about it,’ Sabrina answered, making a show of getting on with the work in front of her.

  ‘But what made her hit you?’ June wanted to know. ‘Surely she didn’t just come up and land one…’

  ‘I said something,’ Sabrina interrupted. ‘I mean she did, then I did, and it got out of hand, and being the hysteric that she is she let fly with her fist. I fell into Robert, and his drink went all down my gorgeous cream dress, which is completely ruined, all thanks to her. Over a thousand pounds straight down the drain. Anyway, Robert only heard the tail end of it, so he’s holding me responsible for what happened, and she’s the one who lashed out, for goodness sake. It makes me sick the way he always defends her. I’ve a good mind to leave him. It might shock him into being more appreciative of a wife who’s always supported him, no matter what.’

  Except when you were having an affair with his brother-in-law, June wanted to point out, but it would have been cruel, so instead she said, ‘I’d do some serious thinking before you embark on anything rash like moving out, in case he doesn’t let you back in again.’

  Sabrina shuddered at the thought of it. ‘I didn’t actually mean it,’ she assured her. ‘I’m just reaching my wits’ end with him and I’m running out of ways to get through to him. Something’s going on his head, I can tell, but he won’t tell me what it is. All I know is that he seems to have struck up some sort of bond with Annabelle, which is a good thing, obviously, but it’s starting to make me feel excluded in my own home.’

  ‘He’s probably feeling a bit stressed about something,’ June said kindly, ‘you know, the way men do.’

  ‘Mm,’ Sabrina murmured doubtfully. Then, after a shaky sigh, ‘It’s funny, isn’t it, the way you always seem to want someone more when you think you might be losing them?’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ June said with a roll of her eyes. ‘And you would know, having been there with Craig.’

  Sabrina’s eyes darted to her, then away again. ‘What I had with Craig was…Well, it was different,’ she said. ‘I mean it was special, and passionate…It meant everything, obviously, but Craig’s no longer here, and what I have with Robert… What we share is…Well, I guess it means everything.’ It was only as she was speaking the words that their truth was beginning to dawn, and suddenly she felt more afraid than she ever had in her life.

  * * *

  Dr Feverel was a kindly looking middle-aged woman with neat silvery hair and a ready smile. ‘You don’t need to worry about a thing, Annabelle,’ she was telling her warmly. ‘A couple of hours and you’ll be on your way home again.’

  Annabelle’s worried eyes moved to Robert.

  He smiled reassuringly and squeezed her hand. ‘I’ll call Mum, shall I, and let her know we’re here?’

  Annabelle nodded. She couldn’t speak, she was too nervous about what was going to happen, and whether or not it might hurt.

  After the doctor had taken her through, Robert wandered out to the street and flipped open his phone. There were two messages from Sabrina, and four missed calls, also from her, but Nat was due in court at ten and there were only a couple of minutes to go, so he must call Alicia first.

  ‘Robert,’ Alicia whispered into her mobile, ‘there’s been a bit of a delay. We’re still in the lobby, waiting to go in, but I’m not supposed to use the phone out here.’

  ‘OK, I just wanted to let Nat know I’m thinking of him. Is he OK?’

  ‘I think so.’ She looked at her son sitting on the hard leather sofa opposite the one she was on, his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down. This court at Taunton felt a whole lot more intimidating than the one at Wells. Lawyers in black gowns and wigs were coming and going, the gold-leaf signs were to public galleries, or the jury assembly room, or judge’s chambers, and the marble busts looking over them were as formidable a bunch of dignitaries as any court could produce. The Shire Hall was used for no other purpose than to serve as courts of law, and though Nat was appearing before a youth panel again, this was his first taste of how it was going to be when it came to the actual trial.

  ‘I’ll call you later,’ she said, catching the scowl of an usher who’d just noticed her transgression, and clicking off the line, she shut the phone down and slipped it into her pocket.

  Nat didn’t look up when Jolyon signalled Alicia to join him at the foot of the cantilevered staircase, nor did he exhibit any signs of trying to eavesdrop as Jolyon said, ‘I take it you haven’t had a chance to show him the letter yet?’

  ‘No. Darcie’s feeling very insecure at the moment, so it’s been difficult to find some time on our own. He’s taking the rest of the day off though, so I’m hoping to do it this afternoon. It doesn’t matter for this morning, does it?’

  ‘It shouldn’t,’ he replied, ‘but the sooner you do it the better.’ His eyes met hers and looked into them deeply. ‘Thank you for letting me see it,’ he said. ‘I imagine it’s had a fairly profound effect on you.’

  She nodded as she swallowed. He was certainly right about that. ‘What matters, though, is w
hat it does for Nat,’ she said.

  He didn’t disagree, and as the usher was calling them into court one, he gestured for her to fetch Nat and waited for them to join him to lead the way in.

  This wasn’t the easiest task Robert had ever undertaken, but there again he hadn’t expected it to be, since he’d had next to no experience in dealing with teenage girls’ gynaecological issues. However, as he drove Annabelle back through a rainy London towards the M3, he realised he wasn’t expected to be an authority on what she’d just been through, he was simply required to ask the right sort of questions and listen whenever she felt like talking.

  ‘It wasn’t really that bad,’ she was telling him, while shifting slightly in her seat. ‘I mean, it didn’t hurt or anything. Not that I’d want to do it again, mind you, but at least it’s all over now, so we can get back to normal.’

  That’s never going to happen, he thought sadly to himself. ‘Are you uncomfortable?’ he asked as she shifted again.

  ‘A little bit, but no, not really. I’ve got some painkillers, so I can always take one if it gets too bad.’

  She was quiet for a while then, with her head lolling against the seat back, and her eyes half shut against the cluttered high streets of south-west London. ‘We should probably call Mum,’ she said for the third or fourth time.

  ‘She’ll be waiting to hear from you,’ he told her.

  She turned to look at him. ‘I’m supposed to be seeing that Lisa from SAIT tomorrow,’ she said. ‘She’s coming to the house.’

  He nodded, and put his foot down as they reached the start of the motorway. ‘What are you going to talk about?’ he asked evenly.

  She shrugged. ‘I don’t know really. Mum thinks I’m going through some sort of victim phase, so she wants Lisa to sort me out, as she puts it.’

  ‘Do you think you’re going through a phase?’ he said. ‘Or is it that you’d simply like all this to be over?’

  ‘Well, of course I’d like it to be over, but I’m not sure if I should let him get away with it. I mean, I’d feel terrible if I found out later that he’d done it to someone else, and I could have stopped it.’