by Jenn Hype
“Yes, Stacy?” He replied with the same tenderness in his voice.
“I’m hungry.” Chad let out a full belly laugh. “What? Did you think I was going to say something all sappy or loving?”
“Not even a little bit.” He grinned from ear to ear and then kissed me on the tip of my nose. “We have a lot to talk about,” he said, his expression growing more serious. I let out a heavy sigh to show just how exhausted I was. It didn’t work. The look on his face told me that the talk was happening now, whether I liked it or not.
“I know. Where should we start?”
“How about you tell me about the bet.”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Chad. It was dumb, and mostly a joke. We were wasted when we talked about it and we never even decided what we would win at the end of it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was just using it as an excuse to be near you. You made me so angry and most of the time I wanted to fucking kill you, and by the time I realized the only reason you made me so angry was because I liked you so fucking much it was too late. Things had spiraled out of control.”
He kept one arm still wrapped around my waist, lifting the other to brush my hair out of my face. Chad was always serious, but the intensity I felt as he stared into my eyes caused shivers to run down my spine.
“I was doing the same thing. I was…I was afraid.”
His confession caused my head to jerk back so I could see his face better, but the sudden movement caused pain to spike down my shoulders into my lower back. Chad saw me wince and immediately shifted, putting himself a little further underneath me so I could see him better without having to strain.
“Afraid of what, exactly?” I knew what I hoped he would say. I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up, because if he didn’t say what I was hoping for, I did not want to be disappointed. I did not want him to see that on my face. We were finally together and communicating in a way that was not yelling or part of a game. Whatever he chose to confess to me, I had to be happy. It had to be enough that he was willing to confide in me about something that was clearly difficult for him to say.
I held my breath and watched him struggle. I wasn’t sure if he was struggling with the right words to say or with whether or not he was going to say anything at all, but I hoped after everything we’d been through that he was at least to the point of giving me some honesty. I may not have been innocent in all of this, but I felt I at least deserved to know some truth behind his actions.
“Honestly? A lot of things,” he said as he let out a deep breath. He stared at the ceiling and I lay still, my chin in his chest, studying him. The seriousness of the situation made me feel vulnerable and the urge to make a joke made me want to squirm, but I was afraid to move. The intimacy that lingered in the silence between us was intense, and while normally it would have me running for the hills, I found it was strangely comfortable. “I don’t even know where to start. There is so much I need to tell you. Things I’ve never told anyone, and I’m not sure how to do it.”
I lifted my hand to his cheek and tried to will him the strength, hoping he could feel through my touch that no matter what, I wasn’t going anywhere. To see such a strong, sure man be so insecure about himself was killing me. I knew without him telling me that whatever it was that he was keeping locked so deep inside must be overwhelming. I bit my cheek and forced myself to remain quiet, giving him the chance to tell me at his own pace instead of trying rush him.
“I know you’re exhausted, but would you be up to going somewhere with me?” I wasn’t sure if where we were going was related to what he needed to say or if he was just trying to avoid the topic, but he was the one who had wanted to talk. As much as I wanted him to just get it all out before I went out of my mind, I wanted him to tell me on his own terms. I didn’t want him to regret sharing his demons with me.
“I’d go anywhere with you,” I whispered, melting even further into him as I watched relief flood his face.
“Do you want to take a shower first? Or get something to eat? Maybe this is the wrong time. It could wait. You should rest, it’s selfish of me to take you somewhere right when you get home from the hospital.” His words came out so quickly and a giggle escaped my lips before I could stop it. Seeing him flustered made him less intimidating and so much more endearing. It was adorable.
“Chad, stop. I won’t be able to do anything until we clear the air about everything, anyway. But so you know, if you’re not ready to put everything out there right now, I’m okay with that. I can wait.”
“No!” Chad shouted quickly, causing me to startle. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I just...I need to get this out. It can’t wait. You deserve to know everything. I appreciate you being so understanding, but this is what I want. I want you to know me, Stacy. Really know me.”
We were both quiet as Chad helped me change into clean clothes, then helped me down the stairs and into his Jeep. I felt like a fucking grandma, wobbling down the stairs at snail speeds. Every movement made pain ripple through my body. I was trying to be badass, and I thought I was doing a good job of hiding my pain, until I heard Chad chuckle. I glared at him, which only made him laugh harder.
“I’m sorry, you’re just so adorable when you’re trying to be tough. It’s okay to be in pain, Stacy. Trust me, no one is going to think you are weak for hurting after what you went through. The fact that you’re up moving around and not huddled up in the corner crying puts you a hundred steps ahead of most people.”
“Quit reading my fucking mind. Are you some kind of witch or something?”
“Warlock.”
“What?”
“A male witch is a warlock.”
I stopped mid step and stared at him in shock. “Holy shit, my boyfriend is a nerd.”
He raised his eyebrows at me briefly before setting us back in motion down the stairs. “Boyfriend, huh?”
“Yep. Well, maybe. I don’t know how I feel about you being a closet nerd.”
“I’m not a nerd, that’s just common knowledge.”
“Yeah, for nerds.”
Chad continued chuckling all the way down to his Jeep. He looked like the happy, laid back Chad I’d seen that night at the bar when we’d played darts. He was a naturally sexy specimen, but when he smiled it made me want to tear my clothes off. I restrained myself, though. Wherever we were going was serious business, I could tell. Well, and also I couldn’t lift my arms above my head so I’d most likely just get stuck in my clothes if I tried to remove them.
Neither of us spoke while he drove us to a still undisclosed location, but he twined his fingers with mine and gently rubbed the pad of his thumb over my knuckles as he drove. Gone was the laughing, carefree Chad from moments ago. His face was tight and focused, and I knew he was somewhere else. I grew more and more antsy the longer we drove, and when Chad noticed me start to fidget he gave me a reassuring smile that instantly calmed my nerves.
I tried not to let my mind wander, dreaming up possible secrets he could have that would be upsetting him so much. I wanted to be strong for him, to be able to show him that he could open up to me without me crumbling or freaking out, but things had been so uncertain since we’d known each other that mustering up that kind of courage was difficult.
I must have dozed off for a bit, because when I opened my eyes the Jeep wasn’t moving. I looked over to Chad, who was staring out the windshield looking frozen. He didn’t even notice me sit up and shift towards him, so when I gently placed my hand on his knee he jumped, but quickly regained his composure.
“How long was I asleep?”
“Not long, maybe twenty minutes. I didn’t want to wake you.” He wasn’t looking at me while he talked and him avoiding eye contact brought back the nerves I’d felt before drifting off to sleep. I finally looked out the window and saw that we were in a cemetery.
“Um, I’m trying to not be weirded out that you brought me to a cemetery. I mean, if I had a million guesses I never would have thought you�
�d bring me here. Look, if you try to bury me alive then you bet your ass I will dig myself out and come after you.”
Chad laughed lightly as he climbed out of the Jeep and rounded to my side, opening my door.
“We don’t have to walk far, but I can carry you.”
“I may walk like an old bitty right now, but I’m perfectly capable of walking on my own.” Truthfully, I was in a shit load of pain, but I didn’t want to complain.
“Okay...but I know you’re in a shit ton of pain, Stacy. You keep refusing my help and I’m going to force you to use a walker.”
“You know, if those Back To The Future movies had been right, then I could just use one of those badass hover boards. Damn you Marty McFly, for getting my hopes up!” I yelled, shaking my fist in the air.
Chad laughed and continued to let me pretend he wasn’t holding almost all of my weight as we walked. Luckily when he said we didn’t have to walk far he was telling the truth, because soon we were standing in front of a very large headstone.
“Mariam Stevens,” I read aloud before I remembered Chad’s last name. “Is this...are you related to her?”
“That’s my mom.” His eyes were downcast and I expected to see them holding sadness, but instead I saw anger. I stood there next to him, unmoving, waiting for him to continue. Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say. Finding out it was his mom coupled with the unexpected anger he was obviously feeling had completely thrown me.
“My dad killed her.” He winced at my gasp and I inwardly chided myself for not being able to control my reaction.
“Where is he now?”
“Prison,” he answered without hesitation, as if he expected the question.
“Will you...if you don’t want to tell me what happened, it’s okay.” I meant it, I would be okay with him not telling me, but I really hoped he would. His entire body was tight and you could feel the rage radiating off of him. I reached out to put my hand on his arm, and he flinched, but after a few seconds he slowly started to relax. Finally, he turned to face me, looking me in the eyes for the first time since arriving at the cemetery.
“When I was little, he was my hero. He was a cop, and I wanted to be just like him. People admired him and respected him, and he just had this confidence about him that made him seem untouchable. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I realized the admiration and respect I thought I’d seen in their eyes was fear. He was abrasive and demanding.” Chad broke our eye contact, looking down at his mother’s grave again.
“I don’t know what happened. I don’t know if he was always like that or if something changed, but I know at some point things were good. I can remember him teaching me how to ride my bike and throw a football. He would take me fishing all the time, just us. He never lost his temper, he was always patient with me. Maybe I was just blind to who he really was because of my age. I’ve wondered a lot if maybe I just saw what I wanted to, but it felt real either way.” He paused and took a deep breath, holding it for several seconds before releasing it.
“I was twelve years old when I got my first glimpse of the bastard he truly was. I’d always been a good kid. Made good grades, never got in trouble. But when I started junior high I was nervous, fell in with the wrong crowd. The other kids decided to break into an old warehouse one day after school. I needed to be home and I didn’t want to get in trouble, but I was afraid of being made fun of.” He kicked a rock with the toe of his shoe, mumbling curse words under his breath.
“It was so dumb, I should have just followed my gut and went home. Instead I tagged along, and when I didn’t come home my mom called my dad, worried. He got in his patrol car and came looking for me and spotted my bike out in front of the old building. I was around back, just sitting on the grass, but the other kids were throwing rocks into the windows. I heard his loud voice yelling and watched the other kids skitter away, and I just sat there, frozen in place. The look in his eyes…”
“I’ll never forget that look. It was the first time I saw true disappointment, and I hated that I’d let him down. I started to apologize, but he cut me off. He didn’t like excuses. He drove me back home in silence and told me to go to my room as soon as we got back. I figured he was deciding my punishment with my mom, and even though I was in trouble already, I couldn’t stand sitting around waiting. So I snuck out of my room and tip toed down the hall, trying to hear what they were saying.” He was physically shaking at that point, and I was desperate to comfort him but I knew nothing I said would take away the pain of whatever he would say next. So I stood there, watching the amazing man in front of me crumble as he relived a story of his childhood.
“I heard him yelling, but I couldn’t hear my mom, so I went down a couple of steps. When I made it far enough down to be able to see them, I saw my mom kneeling on the ground, pleading for him to calm down. She was whispering, probably so I wouldn’t hear, but the more she pleaded the angrier he got. I watched as he lifted his hand and swiped it across her face, her head jerking to the side. I didn’t mean to, but I let out some kind of sound and he turned to see me. Then all at once, his anger was aimed at me. I turned to run up the stairs. I was terrified. I’d never seen my dad so angry.”
“He put his foot in the door frame right as I tried to close the door, then shoved it open so hard it threw me back with it. I thought he would apologize for knocking me down, but instead he walked over and grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and lifted me into the air. He was screaming at me about being irresponsible and how my mother was an idiot and how he was the only one who could do anything right. Then just like he had done to my mom, he backhanded me, letting go of my shirt and I flew halfway across the room. I was a scrawny little kid and I was no match for him.”
Chad slipped his hand through mine and led me over to a bench by the side of the road where we had parked.
“Everything changed after that. For a long time, I thought that incident was what made him start beating us, but as I got older and thought back on things, I realized he’d probably always been hitting my mom. Just after that day there was no longer a need to keep it a secret, so he did it openly. She took the brunt of it, and as long as I didn’t interfere he would only yell at me instead of using his hands. I hated myself for not standing up to him. I knew I was young and it wouldn’t have done any good, but watching him beat my mom like that…” He trailed off and his face grew cold, his hand tightening in mine.
“One day he beat my mom so bad she blacked out. She should have gone to the hospital but she knew if she did people would find out what happened and she didn’t want anyone to know. I begged her to tell someone. I couldn’t understand why she was protecting him. It made me angry, not just at him, but at her. I begged her constantly to just take me and run away, to go to anyone who could help us, to just get us out of that house. But every time she would shut me down, telling me it was not an option. Sometimes she would make excuses for him, blaming herself for his actions. Other times she just walked away, completely avoiding the topic.”
“After that, several weeks went by with no violence. He was working a lot so we rarely saw him. I actually felt myself start to relax a little and my mom even managed to smile a time or two. I saw what it would be like for us without him, and it hurt me to know she wouldn’t leave him. It felt like she was choosing him over me. I know that’s not fair, but I was a kid.”
I wanted to tell him it absolutely was fair. She should have done whatever she could to protect her son. My body started to shake with rage, but Chad took that to mean I was chilly and he went to retrieve a jacket from his Jeep, then wrapped it around my shoulders.
“Anyway, one night he came home drunk. He must have gone out after his shift and he was angry before he ever walked in the door. I knew before he hit her that it would be bad, so I ran and grabbed the phone and hid in my closet and dialed 911. I heard loud thuds and knew he was knocking her around. I just prayed the cops would get there in time before he killed her. After what felt like forever, I
still hadn’t heard anything and I started to worry the cops weren’t coming. So I climbed out of my closet and tip toed down the stairs. When I got down there…”
Chad stood up and started pacing. My stomach clenched in fear, but not because I was afraid of Chad, but afraid for him. No young boy should have to witness such vile acts from their parents. The fact that he turned out to be so noble and strong was a miracle at best. My heart expanded even further and my admiration towards him grew.
“He was standing at the door, laughing with the cops. Fucking laughing! My mom was lying on the floor behind him, a bloody heap, not even moving, and the cops did nothing. He wasn’t even trying to block them; they could see her. It was in that moment that I knew, just knew, that there was no hope for us. He was the police for Christ’s sake, of course they would stick up for their own. Fucking pricks.” He mumbled the last part as his chest heaved up and down harshly.
“They left and I watched as he walked back over to my mom and kicked her in the stomach, over and over again. He yelled, accusing her of being the one to call the cops. Of course she couldn’t have, he’d been beating the shit out of her the whole time. But he was drunk and wasn’t thinking and he just kept kicking and kicking. Eventually she stilled entirely and I knew...he’d finally done it. He’d killed her.”
Chad stopped pacing and instead stood still in the middle of the road, staring straight up at the sky.
“He looked directly at me and there was nothing in his eyes. No remorse, no guilt, no sadness. Just...nothing. Without a word he walked right past me and up the stairs and into his bedroom, then slammed the door behind him. I took off running towards my mom, shaking her, crying and begging for her to wake up. She didn’t, and I didn’t know what to do. I’d already called the police and a shit lot of good that did me. So I ran out the front door. I ran and ran, barefoot and in the middle of the night. Finally, when I was too tired to run anymore, I just laid down in the grass. It wasn’t until someone was shaking me awake the next morning that I realized I’d ran over five miles to my school. My teacher was the one who found me.”