Inner Demons

by Amanda Strong

  He leaned back and sighed heavily. “But just because we can’t have kids doesn’t mean damsels can’t get pregnant.”

  “Wait, what?” I rocked back. “We can get pregnant?”

  The fact he didn’t even laugh at my blunder about the two of us having a baby let me know how unhappy Blake was sharing this information with me.

  “Yes, we can. The pregnancies usually don’t last long though, and even those who do end up giving birth, well, the… baby doesn’t survive.”

  I gasped. “Oh, that’s horrible!” My earlier embarrassment was replaced with an ache in my heart. “So what’s wrong with them? Why can’t any of them survive?”

  The way he’d said ‘baby’ made me wonder just what kind of creature it was. Did it look human? Or did it come out with wings? Or a bug-like face?

  His eyes met mine. “Sam, I’m so sorry. I never wanted any of this for you.”

  “Blake, I know, but it’s better if you just tell me.”

  He ran his hand across his mouth before saying, “The baby doesn’t look human.”

  My stomach sickened. What would I do if I gave birth to a bug? How would I feed it? Take care of it? Each question popping into my mind made my skin crawl. As much as I hated to admit it, perhaps it was a blessing they didn’t live.

  “So it’s like a dragonfly?” I asked, trying not to freak out.

  “Mm… more like a nymph, actually.”

  I stared at him. “A what?”

  “Dragonflies lay their eggs under the water, and what hatches is called a nymph. Looks like a hairy beetle, with no wings, and it can breathe underwater. When it’s mature and ready to morph into a dragonfly, it comes up on land, splitting open its body to let the dragonfly out.”

  “So it’s sort like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon?”

  “In a way, yeah. Anyway, when the baby nymph’s delivered, it’s not ready to transform into a dragonfly. It’s still a baby, and the nymph is not ready to breathe air.”

  “Why don’t they put it under water? And then wait until it’s ready to hatch?”

  Blake’s eyes were pained when he met my gaze. “They’ve tried, Sam. It didn’t work. What’s inside the nymph isn’t exactly human or dragonfly. It just doesn’t know what to do.”

  My shoulders sank. Looking beyond the horror of having a beetle come out of me that actually housed another strange creature within it, the truth of it was—it was still a baby. With no chance of survival. My heart sank, sadness settling into me like a bad chill.

  Blake grimaced. “Sam, I wish… I wish so much this wasn’t your world.”

  “It’s not your fault it is, Blake,” I said, glancing to the floor, not wanting him to see the pain in my eyes.

  “All I wanted for you was a normal life.” His words were laced with such sadness, I had to meet his gaze.

  I squared my shoulders, determined to make him see none of this was his fault. “Blake, normal escaped me the moment Sammy entered my life,” I said, nudging his shoulder with mine. I grinned over at him. “And even with all of this, I wouldn’t have it any other way because that’s when you came into my life too.”

  He seemed to consider my words. Slowly, he smiled back at me. Bumping me back, he said, “Well, there’s at least one thing I can make sure you get right still.”

  I wanted to ask him what it was, but I had a hunch it was what kept him from doing more tonight.

  He chuckled to himself. “So weird. I guess I just realized how much I want you to have something normal in your life. You deserve better than this. We may not live traditional lives as Dragon Fae, but I can make sure I don’t cheat you out of this.”

  His grin turned boyish as he glanced back at me. “I was letting you take the lead on how far we went with things, but tonight, you didn’t seem like yourself.” He winked at me.

  I knew my face was flaming. “Whatever,” I said as I slugged his shoulder, trying to mask my own embarrassment. When he pretended it actually hurt, I tried to hit him again. He pinned my arms down in a flash. It really was crazy how fast he could move when he wanted to.

  “Call me old fashioned,” Blake said, his face inches from mine, pulling all my thoughts back to him. “But I want your dad to like me.”

  I knew my dad would never know what went on between us here at Tonbo’s place, and Tonbo himself didn’t seem too worried that Blake never left my room at night. Maybe it was the lack of any rules here that had gotten to my head. Made me giddy with temptation. Blake’s right. I’m not acting like myself. I’m usually a bit more reserved… at least, I think.

  “I like that your old fashioned,” I said honestly.

  He chuckled and giving me a quick kiss, jumped to his feet. “You’ve had a big day today. I think I better let you get some sleep.”

  I knew he was right, but why was he leaving? “Can’t you stay with me? Like you usually do?”

  “I didn’t say I was leaving, unless you can’t keep your hands off me.” He grinned, running his hands through his hair. As he glanced around the room, his wings disappeared. “Do you want to change into your pajamas first?”

  “Yes, actually, I do. Waking up in jeans this morning was a nightmare.” I climbed off the bed, realizing just how long the day had been. Grabbing my small bag, I rifled through for some shorts and a T-shirt.

  After a quick change in the bathroom, I entered the bedroom to see Blake wearing nothing but gym shorts. I made my way to him, debating whether to demand he put a T-shirt on. How am I supposed to sleep with him half naked and looking so good?

  He insisted I lie down, and I laughed when he even tucked me in. When he didn’t settle down next to me, sitting down at the edge of the bed instead, I sat up, ready to protest. He could still sleep next to me; I wanted to promise I wouldn’t even touch him, if that helped.

  “Sam, I went to see Jaxon while you were with Tonbo,” he announced.

  His statement caught me off guard. For a second, I could only stare at him. After I swallowed, I asked in as casual a voice as I could, “Oh really? How did it go?”

  He frowned. “Good, I guess. The bug never emerged.”

  I grinned. “That’s great news!” I hesitated, unsure why Blake wasn’t smiling too. “Isn’t it?” Just means you didn’t bring me up, I wanted to add, but I didn’t.

  “Yes.” He inhaled deeply and said, “I even asked him about you.”

  Chapter 18

  “You did?” I sat up straighter. “But you said the bug didn’t take over… That’s really good then.”

  I wasn’t sure why Blake’s frown just deepened. Jaxon stayed in control, even when he was thinking about me! Why isn’t Blake happy?

  “After what happened today, I have no doubts anymore that Sammy’s not gone. It really freaked me how close you were to losing yourself to her. Makes me wonder if that time you got really dizzy when we were kissing was the same thing.” He glanced at me.

  “I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “It might have been.” Not wanting to get off track, I asked, “So what did Jaxon say if he remembered anything else about Sammy?” “Yeah. I should have asked him more questions before, Sam. I’m sorry I put my brother’s needs above yours.”

  “Blake, don’t say that! It wasn’t like that at all,” I argued.

  “No, it was. I should’ve listened to you before. I just didn’t want to make it harder on Jaxon, so I told myself there was nothing more he could tell us that would help you anyway.” By the way his jaw hardened, I had a hunch there was something Blake dreaded telling me.

  I reached over and touched his shoulder. “Blake, please don’t look at it like that. I understand why you did what you did. And I don’t blame you. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong? What did Jaxon say?”

  He took my hand into his. Meeting my gaze, he said, “Jaxon said he found you out in the woods, not that far from your home. That’s when he’d picked up your scent and started hunting you down.”

  I nodded; this much we already knew.


  “But by the time he got there, you’d gone into the house. He said he watched from the upstairs window. You were in your bedroom, alone, for most of the time.”

  “What do you mean? Who else was with me?” I dreaded hearing him say Mack. Although I knew Mack had been with Blake at this point hunting the bug, or Jaxon.

  Blake grimaced. “Jocelyn.”

  I gasped, sucking air in too fast, and choking on my own spit. He patted my back, trying to make sure I was okay, but I held up a hand as I coughed.

  “I’m fine. I’m fine,” I managed between fits of feeling asphyxiated. Finally clearing my throat, I said, “I knew I felt something was off between us.”

  An ache settled over my heart as the truth sank in. Suspecting my sister was upset over something to do with Sammy was one thing, but knowing she might somehow be involved in this mess was quite another.

  “Here I was just worrying about my brother, but I never considered how this might affect your family too.” Seeing the pain in Blake’s expression, I understood why he hadn’t wanted to tell me this.

  I tried to push the feelings that my sister may have betrayed me aside. I mean, we still don’t know what Jocelyn even knows. For all we know, she thought she was just talking to Sammy for a bit.

  “Was Sammy a damsel? Did Jocelyn see the wings? Does she know what I am now?” I asked, trying to focus on gathering information. I’ll process what this means later.

  “No, Sammy didn’t have the wings,” Blake said, giving me a smile. “So Jocelyn may not know anything about the Dragon Fae world. Jaxon said Sammy gave Jocelyn a large, padded envelope.”

  “What was in it?”

  “He didn’t know. Just noticed it was unmarked and puffed out like something hard was in it.”

  I bit my lip, curiosity getting the best of me. I’d have to ask Jocelyn about that.

  “He said Sammy waited until Jocelyn left the room before she transformed and left. He tracked her for a while. He wasn’t sure what she was doing. She kept zigzagging through the trees. Almost like she was searching for something.”

  “Why didn’t he just attack right away?” I asked. “Why wait? He obviously had the upper hand.”

  “Because Jaxon fought the bug the entire time.” I could tell by Blake’s expression that this wasn’t something easy for him to admit. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll beg to see Jaxon again. But why would I now? Blake was finally getting information from him. Information I’d been dying for.

  “So where was Sammy when he, or the bug, finally won the fight? How did that go down?”

  His face fell. “Sam, I’d really rather not talk about that.”

  “Why? You shouldn’t feel bad, Blake. None of this is your fault, or Jaxon’s. This just helps us…”

  “No, this part doesn’t. It just horrifies me… with how close…” His words faded as he winced.

  Ready to argue that he was once again holding back when he shouldn’t, I stopped. Seeing how much pain was in his eyes, I moved closer to him. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I said, “I’m here now. You didn’t lose me that day, and you won’t lose me now.”

  He glanced over at me, his hand reaching up to take my hand that dangled over his shoulder. “Jaxon said there was no fight.”

  “What?” I reflexively sat back.

  “He said it was almost as if Sammy wanted to be taken. He said she just stopped, landed in the trees, and waited. He’d hovered above her for a long time, fighting himself. Almost like he did that day he’d come when Mack and I were fighting off those dragons. Remember that?”

  “Yes,” I said. I’d never forget the day I’d discovered the bug Kory had warned me about was real, and worse, I was his target.

  “But the bug won. Jaxon said he flew down and scooped you right up.”

  “Why on earth would Sammy want the bug to take us?” I demanded, knowing Blake didn’t have the answers. No one does. Because this doesn’t make sense!

  “I have no idea,” Blake said. “Jaxon did say she’d been carrying a small bag with her. But when they took off, the bag fell down into the trees.”

  At this, my head snapped up. “We need to find that bag.”

  Blake forced a grin. “We can go home tomorrow. Skip out on your next session with Tonbo.”

  I hesitated, trying to decide which option was better. “No, I need to meet with Tonbo. At least one more time.” When I saw Blake’s face fall, I knew he’d rather I not. I wondered what he was so afraid of. Was it just seeing things that might bring me pain that worried him? I shrugged it off for now.

  “After tomorrow’s session, we’ll go. Do you think Jaxon can describe the exact place he grabbed me?”

  “I’ll ask him tomorrow while you are with Tonbo.”

  “Good. Because I don’t know about you, but this has felt like the longest weekend of my life. I’m ready to go home.”

  Chapter 19

  This was not what I wanted to see. As the wand blurred in front of me, I tried to backpedal out of the memory I’d just been thrown into. After seeing a few precious moments in the child version of Sammy’s eyes, I was beginning to really enjoy spending time in her shoes. Seeing how she’d jump to defend me at school, telling the kids who teased to bug off, I couldn’t deny Sammy’s protective feelings toward me. Everything I’d thought I’d known about her was shifting. Her interest in studying all stemmed from understanding what was happening to us. She wanted to fix us, both of us. Make us one somehow.

  In my mind, Mack’s hand brushed the hair back off my face, his fingers tickling my skin. I tried to hide the shiver that rolled through me, not because his touch repelled me, but because my entire body gravitated toward him. It felt natural. This is Sammy’s memory. Not mine. It felt weird, and now very wrong, to live in her shoes.

  That didn’t matter to my heart, or the way my pulse pounded as he glanced at my lips. Mack understands me. He finds me fascinating… He’s one of the few who actually knows me. Not just Samantha.

  Suddenly, I knew we’d never kissed before. The way his eyes darted uncertainly between mine. The way his hand shook while touching my face. In that moment, I wasn’t seeing Mack as he was then, but as the little boy who’d gone out of his way to talk to me, who’d stuck up for me on the playground, and who felt just as fiercely as I did that Samantha needed protecting.

  When Mack finally leaned in, his lips pressing down on mine, I was not prepared for the fire that spread through my body. I wasn’t ready for the intense yearning I had for him. I saw myself wrapping my arms around his neck, kissing him back, my back arching.

  I bolted up. “I don’t want to do this anymore!” I exclaimed.

  The wand stopped immediately. Tonbo peered over at me. “Everything alright? Are some of the childhood memories too painful?”

  The last thing I’d told Tonbo aloud was when I was about ten years old, asking Mack if he’d ever dissected a frog before. Tonbo didn’t know where my mind had leapt to, and I wasn’t about to tell him. I’d known this might be a possibility when poking around in Sammy’s memories, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d feel what she had felt. I was beginning to see why Blake wasn’t in love with this idea. It connected me to Sammy, yes, but it also formed a deeper connection between Mack and me.

  I didn’t want to make eye contact with Tonbo. The guilt felt like it was written all over my face. This was worse than simply knowing about Mack and Sammy. I had actually felt it.

  And what I felt, Mack felt. And he remembers too.

  “I’d rather not focus on the past anymore. I want to see what happened with Jocelyn,” I said, not really answering his question. I knew that was why we had been digging around in the past, trying to establish what Sammy and Jocelyn’s relationship had been. But all Sammy seemed fixated on was Mack. Every memory seemed to only show me how deeply Sammy had cared for both Mack and me.

  As I realized how desperate she was to fix us, the cabin and all its charades didn’t seem so much like a horror film anymore.
When the layers I’d built around my heart began to peel away, I felt a baseline of trust building in me. It was possible Sammy hadn’t been the bad guy. Maybe she’d just been misguided. Her intentions could have been altruistic after all.

  Tonbo seemed to consider my words. Tilting his head to the side, he asked, “Want to give it one more try? I will try to guide you a bit more toward Jocelyn. How does that sound?”

  After a moment’s hesitation, I nodded. We needed this to work. I knew when I got home I was going to confront my sister, but with how she’d been treating me lately, I doubted I’d get a warm welcome. Or that she’d tell me anything at all, for that matter.

  I settled back down into the couch. Blinking several times, I readied myself to stare at the red blur before me. This time, I noticed I wasn’t dripping in sweat. That’s because all the memories Sammy are letting me see are happy ones so far. Truthfully, I had no idea if Sammy was even aware of what we were doing, and if she was, how much control she had over it. But some part of me felt like she decided what played out across my mind’s stage.

  Tonbo’s words pulled me back into a relaxed state. As my body began to drift into the pleasant scenery he was describing, I settled down deeper into the couch.

  “You are in your bedroom now,” he said, guiding me away from the cozy mountain scene he’d created to my real home. “You just got home from mountain biking, and your body is feeling heavy and relaxed. What do you want to do now, listen to music, read a book?”

  “No music. I need…” I stopped, trying to figure out what it was I sought. “I need another book on biogenetics. Mack thought he had a copy somewhere at his house, but he can’t find it. He said he’d try to stop by the college today and grab me a few more textbooks.” Even as I said the words, a very small part of me was aware we’d tapped into another one of Sammy’s memories; the rest felt like I was actually living the moment. I felt anxious, desperate for the books Mack had promised me.