Inner Demons

by Amanda Strong

  “Mm. Sounds interesting. What are you hoping to learn from this book?”

  I hesitated to answer. My mind reeled on how to phrase it. Logically, I should just be guessing what Sammy would say. But being in the moment, being in her very shoes, it was like I knew her thoughts. I struggled within myself, unsure I wanted to tell Tonbo everything while at the same time, wondering why I felt like I’d betray Mack if I did. These are Sammy’s memories, not mine, I reminded myself.

  I let the words just form on their own, even knowing in some part of my brain that Tonbo already knew. “I don’t know if you’d believe me, if I tell you.”

  “Try me,” Tonbo replied.

  “Okay. Mack’s a genetic anomaly. He’s part dragonfly.” As I said it, a new memory flashed through my mind of me kissing Mack. His hands holding me, our bodies so close. Feeling my face turn scarlet, my cheeks burning with embarrassment, I was about to tell Tonbo I was done for the day, when in my mind, Mack gasped and jumped, no more like flew, away from me.

  Inside the memory, I gaped at Mack, who stood before me with two beautiful, orange-red wings.

  Knowing I’d just seen when Sammy had first discovered Mack’s secret, I tried to focus on what I was telling Tonbo.

  “It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen,” I said, once again falling into Sammy’s thoughts, my words sounding more like her words. “Mack can heal faster. He’s stronger. I keep telling him it might be able to fix Samantha and me, but he won’t change me.”

  Anger bubbles up within me. “He told me who created the actual formula, but he won’t take me to meet him, either. His name is Alois, but he goes by Tonbo. Apparently, he has his own islands, off the coast of California somewhere.”

  Somewhere in my mind, I hear Tonbo’s gasp, but I ignore it. I don’t want to lose what I’m seeing, feeling. I don’t want to shatter the connection.

  “If Tonbo could just hear my story, I know he’d help me. He’d fix our broken pieces. He’d make it so Samantha wasn’t so introverted and depressed all the time.” Was that what Sammy thought? That I was depressed? “He’d help me not be so angry and frustrated. Samantha and I need to be one. That’s the only way we will both be truly happy.”

  I almost pulled myself out of the delusion I was experiencing. Sammy’s statement hit me upside the head like a two by four. Is that true? One thing I did know was that Sammy believed it. Were Sammy and I like two halves of a soul that needed to be welded back together?

  “Does Mack bring you the book you need?” Tonbo asked, breaking my line of thought. “Are you alone in your bedroom?”

  I refocus on being in my room. I’ll think about all this later. I need to gather what I can from this memory.

  “No, Mack hasn’t come yet. But someone is knocking on my door,” I said, hearing the knock in my mind. My heartbeat sped up as the memory played out before me. The door opened, and my sister walked in.

  “It’s Jocelyn,” I told Tonbo. “She likes to come to talk when it’s… me.”

  “What do you talk about?”

  “Mainly, how mom drives us both crazy,” I said with a sigh. “That’s how Jocelyn always knows she’ll find me, and not Samantha. Mom’s usually in a tyrannical mood. Joc comes to vent out her frustrations.”

  “Why does Jocelyn have a hard time with your mom?”

  “Most of the time, she doesn’t, but lately, Mom’s been scheduling more and more modeling gigs for her. Wanting her to live the dream she didn’t get to because she had kids. I think the pressure to always look skinny and perfect is really getting to Jocelyn. I worry about her. She goes on too many crazy diets, if you ask me.”

  “So is Jocelyn venting about your mom today?”

  “No, actually, she’s not. She wants to tell me about her new boyfriend.”

  In my mind, Jocelyn was smiling ear to ear. I knew I should tell Tonbo what I was seeing, but for the moment, I wanted it to just play out. Tonbo must have sensed this because he stayed quiet and didn’t pry.

  ------------------------

  “Sammy,” Jocelyn said in a hushed tone. “He is the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. It’s just been so crazy how it’s all worked out. I mean, I never would have thought in a million years I’d fall for him… because… well, he’s a bit younger than I am. And I don’t usually like guys younger than me. It’s weird, but I don’t think I even care anymore!” She giggled, throwing her hands up like she’d surrendered her heart to this guy. I noticed then that there was a book in one of her hands.

  “How much younger are we talking?” I asked, a little alarmed to see my somewhat serious sister acting like a giddy schoolgirl.

  “Just a few years,” she said offhandedly.

  I suppressed the urge to call her a cougar. Somehow, I knew she wouldn’t appreciate the joke.

  “He’s just so sweet. He makes me feel so special. Look,” she said, holding out the book. “He even gave me this. It’s his favorite copy, but he wanted me to have it. Said I’d understand him better if I did.”

  I reached out for it, curious more than anything. The large tree on the cover niggled at my mind, reminding me of something. Reading the title, I asked, “Your boyfriend’s favorite book is Wuthering Heights?”

  “He said he read it when he was younger, when he used to be pretty sick and lonely. It’s about a boy who is taken in by a man with a daughter and a son. But when the man dies, the son starts bullying him. Eventually, the boy leaves his home, even though he’s secretly in love with the girl. Anyway, years later, he gets his revenge as an accomplished and wealthy man.”

  I stared at Jocelyn, wanting to tell her that her boyfriend sounds messed up, but I don’t. “I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy,” I said instead, handing her book back. “Does this young mystery guy have a name?” She hesitated, her smile faltering a bit. “Okay, if I tell you, promise you won’t freak out?”

  Now I’m more than curious about who this guy was. “I won’t freak out. Unless it’s Mack.”

  Jocelyn waved that off. “Of course it’s not Mack!”

  “Then I don’t care who it is. Come on, just tell me.”

  “Okay,” she said, her eyes meeting mine. “It’s Kory.”

  Chapter 20

  Now it took all of my willpower not to bolt up and gasp. Kory? Jocelyn is dating Kory? I tried not to dwell on my own reactions. I needed to see how Sammy felt about this. I let her memory continue to play out. Sammy’s inner thoughts came with it.

  ----------------------

  “Kory? Wait, is he the guy I used to go to school with?” I asked. I only knew of him because Samantha’s friend Jen had a huge crush on him. I’d been unhappy to take over a couple times and discover I was in Jen’s trap of never-ending school gossip. I couldn’t stand girl talk. From what I could tell, neither could Samantha. It was why Jen’s friendship had always been an anomaly to me. I shook this off.

  “I thought he moved away a few years ago.”

  “He did, but he’s back now. We stumbled into each other on campus. He was there signing up for some classes he’s going to take during his senior year. We got to talking and, well, one thing led to another.” Jocelyn grinned again, lighting up her pretty features. “I mean, he doesn’t look like he’s still in high school, but I haven’t really told anyone because it is embarrassing.”

  I shrugged. “You just barely turned twenty-one, Jocelyn. Isn’t he eighteen? That’s not that big of a deal.”

  “True,” she said, her grin turning a bit mischievous. “He doesn’t act like any of the guys I went to high school with, that’s for sure. He’s so smart, Sammy. He’s developed this stuff that makes you feel so amazing, at least that’s what he’s told me. It can…” She hesitated, her words fading.

  Now my interest was piqued. “What kind of stuff? Hey, he’s not into drugs, is he? I know everyone thinks it’s so great that marijuana is legal here, but—”

  “No,” she said, waving me off. “It’s nothing like that. He said
it’s more like a diet pill, but it’s a shot. You know how so many people take those vitamin B shots or the hormones to help them lose weight.”

  “Jocelyn, you’re crazy if you think you need to lose weight,” I countered. My sister was too skinny if you asked me.

  “I wouldn’t use it to lose more weight,” she argued. “It would just be nice to be able to eat every once in a while and not gain a gazillion pounds.”

  I wanted to say she should just quit modeling. That she should tell Mom to leave her alone about it all.

  “Anyway, he hasn’t given me any of it yet, so stop stressing yourself, Sammy. I’ll make sure it’s safe. You act like I’ve never taken diet pills before.”

  “Taking a little caffeine pill is one thing, Jocelyn, but taking something your eighteen-year-old boyfriend is concocting in his basement is quite another!”

  Jocelyn wrinkled her nose at me. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you. You don’t understand. Kory’s been taking the stuff for a long time, and he said it’s totally natural. He said it only made him healthier and stronger.”

  I gaped at her. Just what kind of shots is she talking about here? “I thought you said he’s still developing it? Now you’re saying he’s been using it for a while? This is sounding a lot like drugs to me.”

  “It’s not drugs like the kind you’re thinking. I don’t do drugs, Sammy, and I’m not about to start now. Do you know how bad they age you? They make you look awful. Kory’s still perfecting my blend. It takes time to get it just right for each person.”

  Now all I saw were red flags. Mysterious shots that made you strong and healthy? I couldn’t deny how similar that sounded to what Mack had just told me about what it took to become a dragon or damsel. There was no way Kory was mixed up in all that too, was there?

  “I haven’t even told you the best part, Sammy. It’s an anti-aging serum too!” Jocelyn exclaimed, grinning again. “So I can stay young and wrinkle free for a very, very long time.”

  I could only stare at her. Time to talk to Mack.

  ---------------

  “Kory’s dating Jocelyn,” I blurted to Tonbo as the memory I’d been so immersed in snapped shut.

  The red blur before my eyes stopped. For a second, I found it extremely satisfying to be able to focus on the red marble. It helped to clear my head even further.

  “How much does she know? Has Kory revealed himself to her?” he asked, leaning in toward me.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t see that part. Just her telling Sammy about dating Kory and how he has this magical formula.” I let my words sink in. “He’s going to give it to her to keep her from aging or gaining weight.”

  I met Tonbo’s heavy gaze and said, “I think we both know what the magical formula is, but I don’t know if Jocelyn knows. What I saw must have happened right before the cabin. Sammy didn’t know Kory was a dragon then, so I’m guessing she talked to Mack about all of it after this.”

  Tonbo nodded. “So the question still remains. What side of the fence is Sammy on? With her sister in the picture, maybe her allegiance was swayed toward Kory a bit easier.”

  “Maybe,” I said, “But if she did side with Kory early on, why didn’t she go to him to be changed? I’m sure when she talked to Mack and he told her Kory was a dragon, the thought must have crossed her mind. That she could ask him for the special stuff he was telling Jocelyn about, I mean. Especially since Mack wouldn’t do it himself.”

  Tonbo leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “You’re right. There must have been a reason she didn’t. Do you think she mistrusted him?”

  “I don’t know. The one thing all this has shown me, though, is that Sammy really did believe she had to put us back together again, for us to be happy. She didn’t want to take over when she became a damsel. She thought becoming a damsel would finally make us one.”

  Tonbo seemed to consider my words. “And perhaps it did. You are not the same person you were before, Samantha.”

  I stared at him, taken aback by his statement. I would know the difference, wouldn’t I? When I remembered things as Sammy, it felt like I was thinking and feeling those things.

  “No, I’m not the same,” I answered thoughtfully. “But I’m not her, either. I don’t have free access to all her thoughts and memories unless I’m doing this.” I pointed at the wand Tonbo held.

  “If we were finally one person, shouldn’t I remember what Otto and I talked about in his office? Or what was in that padded envelope Jaxon saw her give Jocelyn? I should know what she dropped in the woods when Jaxon picked her up.”

  Tonbo moved forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. “Maybe you are still separated. Or maybe she’s not letting you see those memories. I guess, at this point, we don’t know for certain.”

  I wanted to argue how wrong he was, but my mind had gone in so many different directions, my emotions tugged along with it, that I felt too exhausted to think about whether Sammy and I were truly one now. The only thing I could focus on was the fact that Jocelyn and Kory had been, or were still, together. I needed to know what my sister knew.

  “I think it’s time I talk to Jocelyn.”

  “Probably a good idea. Perhaps after that, we can resume this. I feel there’s much we can still learn from her memories. If you are comfortable doing this again, that is.”

  I felt myself flush. Too much of this was just that—uncomfortable. Every memory seemed to dig me deeper into something I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get back out of.

  “Of course. I’ll try to get back here as soon as I can, Tonbo.” I stood up, pushing away the lingering effects of deep relaxation. I needed to feel my feet underneath me.

  Tonbo walked me to the door, his hand patting my arm as we went. “Just remember the Chinese proverb, Samantha. A diamond with a flaw is preferable to a common stone with none.”

  I glanced at him, unsure what he was getting at.

  He opened the door for me. Giving my arm a gentle squeeze, he said, “You may feel having Sammy there within you makes you broken. But you aren’t seeing how truly magnificent the two of you are together. What you’ve both created. There’s no one quite like you now, Sam.”

  I stared at him, wondering if he could be right. Should I embrace who I was? Both sides? Accept that Sammy might take over at any moment and trust that it was just fine? That she wouldn’t put me in jeopardy? That she truly had my best interest at heart?

  I leaned down and hugged Tonbo. “I’ll try to remember. Thank you for everything.” Surprised to feel another hand fall on my arm from behind, I straightened up quickly. Turning around, I fully expected it to be Blake.

  I failed to hide my shock. “Mack.”

  His quickly dropped his hand. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “No, no. You’re fine,” I flustered to recover, feeling my face redden. “Just jumpy from my session.” It wasn’t entirely untrue. I wasn’t about to admit to him how his touch fired up Sammy’s old memories a bit too much for my liking.

  Chapter 21

  I didn’t miss the way Tonbo stared at me as we said our farewells, but I tried not to pay attention. Breathing deeply, I tried to shake off my jitters. It’s just Mack, my friend. No need for anything to be different. Or to act weird.

  Moving away from Tonbo’s office, Mack asked with a grin, “So, learn anything useful today?”

  I blinked back at him. I knew it was an innocent question, but I had to swallow and clear my throat before I could respond. “Apparently, Kory’s dating my sister.”

  Mack groaned. “Seriously? Which one?”

  “Jocelyn.” I shot him a glance. “So I guess my hunch wasn’t too far off, huh?” I told him about my encounter with Jocelyn as Sammy, and how Sammy had wanted to ask him about Kory in the memories I’d seen.

  He didn’t say anything at first, staring at the floor as we walked. I waited, sensing there was something behind his frown.

  “You know when I told Sammy all about Kory and Blake’s history, sh
e could’ve mentioned the fact that Jocelyn was dating Kory,” Mack said at last. “Why didn’t she say anything to me about that? Was she trying to hide something else from me?”

  I didn’t miss the pain in his words. I hadn’t fully appreciated Mack’s suffering until today. His feelings for Sammy hadn’t been real to me before. If anything, they’d irritated me. Made me feel like he was on her side, not mine. They even made me a bit jealous, if I was honest with myself. Mack was my friend. Not hers. He saw me through some rough years. Was always there for me. Now I knew I wasn’t the only one Mack had done that for. He’d been that for Sammy too. She was just the side of me that reciprocated his feelings for her.

  Now seeing the way Mack frowned, I felt the need to reach out and comfort him. Finding an empty office down the hall from Tonbo’s, I pulled him into the room and shut the door. He glanced over at me, his frown melting into confusion.

  “Mack, Sammy loved you,” I said, surprising myself, but feeling like he needed to know.

  He snorted in disbelief and let go of my hand. “I used to believe that, but she used me, Samantha. Played me like the fool I am. I was a means to an end for her. Nothing more.”

  “No, that’s not true, Mack. She really cared for you.”

  “Ha. Everything I thought I knew about her has turned into lies. She never told me what she was really up to. How do you think it makes me feel to keep learning how deep her lies go? Like what the hell was she doing with Otto in the first place?” His jaw hardened, anger making his face taut.

  I wanted to scream right back at him that her secret agenda impacted me way more than him, but I kept my voice level. It had been a long day for both of us, and it wouldn’t do any good to let our frustrations out on each other.

  “I have no idea, but I know she loved you. That wasn’t a lie.”

  He looked like he might argue back, but then with a long sigh, he shook his head. “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, Samantha.”