Secluded Nature

by Lindsey Brewster

  "I'm doing well, thank you."

  Looking over my chart, she takes out a heart monitor to check the baby's heart.

  "Well, Ms. Cartwright, I don't like your blood pressure, but we are going to hope it’s just nerves. I want to go ahead and do an ultrasound.”

  She brings the machine in and begins the ultrasound. She points out the baby once it’s located. “The baby is right here. This is the bottom.”

  Her voice fades into the background as I see the baby on the screen. This baby is actually mine; it’s inside of me. This beautiful living thing is in me.

  “Abbey, have you had any back pain?”

  “Yes, but that usually comes with my job. It has been a little worse, though.”

  She nods and continues the ultrasound for a few more minutes before she stops.

  “Ms. Cartwright, I don’t want to worry you, but with your blood pressure and stress, you have a higher risk of a miscarriage and your back pain is a little worrying. I want you to come back every three days for an ultrasound. The nurse will give you a number to call if anything changes. Even the slightest.”

  “Dr. Walker, I am a doctor myself and I can tell you are leaving something out. What is it?”

  “Well, the baby’s heartbeat is weak, but that could be a number of things. I just want you to be prepared. If it is something, know it isn’t your fault. You just need to be really careful.”

  “Okay.”

  “Alright. Try and keep the blood pressure down, but other than that, you two are good."

  I get up off the bed “See you in three days.”

  Leaving, I head home, deciding that I'm gonna get through this. Fuck Luke.

  I make it home and fix myself a sandwich. Sitting down on the couch, I relax and turn on the TV.

  Will comes home with Avery in his arms and Brayden following behind.

  “Abbey, guess what?!?!” Brayden jumps up into my lap.

  “You won a hundred bucks.”

  “Nope! I made all good grades on my report card.”

  I wrap my arms around him in a hug.

  “That's awesome, Brayden!!”

  “Maybe Santa will bring me something extra special?”

  “What are you wanting?”

  “Well, I already sent him my list, but I want him to get Mr. Luke back from his business trip to see us. I miss him!”

  “I'm sure you do. That's a hard present to get, but I'm sure Santa can try. Alright, you two go upstairs and play. Don't forget your backpack, Brayden.”

  As Brayden runs up the stairs, Avery toddles along behind him. She's four, but tries to act six like her brother.

  Will plops down beside me. “So, what did the doctor say?”

  “That I'm good, I guess, but there's a chance I'm going to have a miscarriage.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. She said my blood pressure was too high, along with stress. The baby's heartbeat was weak and my back pain worried her.”

  “I'm so sorry, Abbey. You just can't win. Let's just hope it's nothing.”

  “I hope so. I go back in three days for another ultrasound.”

  “Alright. I'm going to start dinner. You should call Mason.”

  I nod, picking up my phone to call him.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Mason. What are you up to?”

  “Actually, I'm talking with Luke.”

  “Oh. Well, I went to the doctor today.”

  “How far along?”

  “Two and a half months.”

  “Two and a half?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Ah, okay. Is something wrong? Your voice is all shaky?”

  “Well, the doctor said I have a chance of a miscarriage.”

  “What did they say about it?”

  “Just that my blood pressure and stress level was too high. I'm trying to get it down, but nothing's really working.”

  “But you have—”

  “I just need to be careful, please don't try to tell me what to do.”

  “I'm not trying to. Do I need to tell him?”

  “No. He has nothing to do with me, so no.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yep, I'm sure Mason.”

  “Call me if anything changes.”

  “It's not something to be super worried about.”

  “I'm serious, this is important.”

  “Fine, but only if it's major.”

  “Alright. I love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye, hot stuff.”

  I drop the phone on the couch and head to the kitchen to help with dinner. Mmm, chicken alfredo for dinner. I'm lucky.

  I’m playing with Avery later after Brayden is asleep when Will comes in and throws her over his shoulder.

  “Daddy!!!!”

  “Yeah, daddy, we were playing.”

  He shoots me a look that's half amused and half annoyed. I stick my tongue out and get up to help tuck her in. My back really hurts. I rub it as we are walking up to her room.

  After two stories we are out.

  “Uh, Abbey.”

  I turn around to see his face is pale; he looks scared.

  “What's wrong?”

  “There's blood all over your pants.”

  I look down and cringe, running for the bathroom.

  I get to the bathroom and slam the door. I pull my pants down and scream. “NO! Why does this have to happen to me? Why me?”

  Will is at the door. “Abbey, here is some of my sweats. Put them on. The neighbor is going to watch the kids, we’re going to the hospital.”

  I grab them and slide them on. I walk out, and he hugs me as I sob violently in his arms. I don't understand why this is happening. I tried. I wanted this baby. How could it all be taken away from me? What did I do to deserve this?

  Will walks me out to his car and helps me in, dialing his phone as I cry.

  “Hey, Mason. Abbey’s bleeding and it might be a miscarriage. You need to already be here.”

  Will hangs up and rubs my arm.

  “It's gonna be okay, Abbey. Take some deep breaths.”

  I just stare out the window as tears freely roll down my face.

  Once we get to the hospital, I'm taken back to a room and immediately seen; they assure me that Dr. Walker is on her way.

  The room is thick with silence and tension as we wait.

  When she finally gets here, she walks in the room with my file that I assume have the test results in it.

  Looking at Will, she asks, “Are you her boyfriend?”

  “No, ma’am. I’m her cousin.”

  Sitting down on the bed she looks at me with somber eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Abbey. You’re having a miscarriage. I’m going to give you something to help your body since you’re a bit farther along. You’ll use over the counter pain medicine, but if the pain becomes excruciating, you need to come and see me. I also recommend therapy after this kind of tragedy. It always helps.”

  I’m completely devastated by the news, even though I already knew. My whole world shatters away and I curl up on the bed crying, crossing my arms over my stomach.

  “Why?”

  “Many reasons, Abbey. Your stress and blood pressure. If you’ve had anything that’s traumatic happen in the last two months, that will contribute. Considering you didn’t know you were pregnant until a week or so ago, you were doing pretty well. I was worried, I just didn’t think something would happen this fast. It can also be your body in general, or something wrong with the baby. Sometimes, they just don’t last. I want you to go home and rest. This is going to be a rough time. I want to see you again in a week.”

  “Alright.”

  She walks out, leaving me with a prescription and the pain of losing something that wasn’t even mine yet.

  The ride home is silent. Once we get home, I go straight to my room. I’m completely wiped-out and my heart and body have now been demolished. I’m broken, and there’s no one
here to fix me. No one who is even willing to try. As much as Will wants to help, he doesn’t know what it feels like, or how crushed I am. I never signed up for this. Not once.

  Every emotion from enraged to completely devastated consumes my body, overwhelming me. And in that moment, I decide to push them all back and just go numb. Sleep finally takes me from even the numbness.

  Yelling wakes me sometime later.

  I look at the food Will left me in total disgust. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve it.

  I leave it on the nightstand and curl back up, trying to ignore the cramps that I’m having. Each one is a reminder of something else I’ve failed at. My whole body is cold. There’s no warmth left, and I don’t want any.

  Chapter 18

  There’s a knock at my door, but I ignore it. Legs come around in front of me and bend down to reveal Mason’s face.

  “Hey, gorgeous.”

  No. “No, I’m not.”

  “Oh, honey, no you’re not. I’m so sorry.”

  “No one understands; no one. I don’t even know what to do with my life. It’s worthless.”

  “No, Abbey.” He takes my face in his hands. “You’re not worthless. Not at all. It just hurts right now.”

  “Hurts? Hurts? There’s a fucking hole in me, and I’m reminded that the life that was in me was taken away because of my body, and because I was stressed. It’s all my fault.”

  “There’s two of you in this. You need to talk to him. Look, I know he was a dick and all, but you need to talk to him.”

  “Why? He’ll just see what a sorry excuse for a woman I am. It’ll give him another reason not to love me.”

  “Abbey, he’s not—”

  “You mind if I?”

  I cringe at the voice. I know it’s Luke, I just wish he wasn’t here.

  “Sure, man.”

  Leaning over Mason kisses my forehead and leaves.

  I hear my door close and Luke drop something on the ground.

  The bed dips, and I can’t even bear to turn over and be angry with him. His hand comes to my shoulder, pulling on me. “Abbey, we need to talk.”

  Jerking my shoulder away, I bite my lip to try and hold the tears at bay. “There’s nothing to talk about. Why don’t you just go home?”

  “Abbey, there is so much to talk about. Turn around, please.” Something about his voice reaches some part of me; maybe the way his pain and exhaustion seem to be an echo of my own.

  I turn to where I’m lying on my back and look up at his face. He hasn’t shaved, and his eyes have circles around them. His jaw and under eye are bruised.

  He’s looking down at me with pain and hurt in his eyes.

  “I’ve never seen you like this before. Even after the wreck, you had some determination, some life in you. Right now, you have no brightness to your eyes, no life or hope.”

  I shrug, not bothering to answer him. I lost a baby; that should be answer enough.

  “Talk to me, please. I know everything’s gone down the drain, Abbey, but please talk to me.”

  “Why did you treat me so badly with Ally?”

  “Because it was a moment where I needed to take out my anger on someone, and you were the one I could take it out on, because you were in there.”

  “How could you think I didn’t try? That I didn’t care? You’re so fucking wrong. Don threatened to pull me off of her. We tried for so long. You saw no emotion from me in the room, because I’m not allowed to show any. Maybe sympathy, but other than that, nothing. It would mean I had a relationship somehow with the patient other than professional. And then you made it worse. You told me you didn’t love me right in front of your mother. You hurt me so badly, but you didn’t care. And then I find out I’m pregnant and you tell me not to talk to you or your family. How do you think that makes me feel, Luke?”

  At this point I’m sitting up in bed and crying, but I won’t let him touch me.

  “You think I didn’t feel anything? My sister had just died, Abbey, I wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows.”

  “I never expected it to be. I planned on being there for you, but instead you lash out at me and decide to hit me where it actually hurts. And on top of it, I get so stressed that I lose my baby. I don’t have a reason for anything anymore. I’m done with life, with everything.”

  “This isn’t all my fault! You should’ve told me!”

  I throw myself on him and pound my fists into his chest as hard as I can. My eyes are blurry from all the tears I’m shedding.

  “Told you?! You told me not to talk to you anymore. I’ve gone through this all alone. Not one of them out there understands any part of the pain I’m going through.”

  He grabs ahold of my wrists, holding me still until I’m just crying into his chest. Finally letting go of my arms, he wraps his around me, holding me. When I look up at him, he’s crying, too, like he actually understands and feels it. I get off of him and turn on my side, and he turns too.

  He places his hand on my stomach and cries. “I wish I’d known. I would’ve been here.”

  “No, you would’ve said I was lying. You had pushed me away already. And then this would have added to it. You don’t love me, so it wouldn’t have mattered in the long run.”

  “Abbey, I was stupid. I didn’t mean anything I said to you.”

  “That doesn’t matter. I know in the long run it would’ve come to that. You’re never going to stop blaming me for Ally’s death, because I was one of the doctors in there. I’m sorry.”

  “Abbey, I don’t blame you. Not really.”

  “Not really? Because it sounds like you do. What do you mean?”

  “Well, I know it was the man who hit the bus’s fault. But out of anger, I blamed the doctors who couldn’t save her. I blamed you. I took it out on you, because you were supposed to save her. You love me, so you would be able to save her.”

  “When in the hell did that ever make sense to you? My job has nothing to do with my love for you. Ever. I do my job to the best of my ability, which is pretty damned good.”

  “I know that now. It took Mason lecturing me and a punch to the face for it to finally sink in. You tried your best, even more than that, but it still hurts. My sister was my world. I loved her so much. She was so strong willed, sweet, and stubborn. She was amazing, and now she’s gone before her life could even begin.”

  “I realize that, but you have to get this. I deal with that every day. Each patient I lose affects me, some more than others, but they all do. That bus crash had the largest number of fatalities in a long time. And I’m sure your parents are filing a wrongful death suit. I go through this a lot, and it requires me to block out some emotions. If I didn’t, I would be in a depression for the rest of my life.”

  “I’m really sorry for blaming you, and then I come back to find out all of this. I would’ve been here for you if you would’ve called. It’s my responsibility, too. Not just yours.”

  He reaches down to pick something up off the floor. He pulls out a bag, revealing the prescription I’m supposed to take.

  “I was told that you’re supposed to take this to help your body with the miscarriage.”

  “Yeah.”

  He opens up the bottle and takes out the medicine, handing it to me.

  “I really don’t want to take this.”

  “Abbey, this time, I’m here for you. All the punches you throw to the crying, I’m going to be here. We’ll get through it.”

  “Nothing’s fixed, Luke. It might not ever be fixed. It might be too screwed up to even begin fixing.”

  “I know, but let’s get through this, and then we can work out everything else. I know you can’t take me back. I need to finish coping with Ally’s death and now this, too. We are going to get through this together. Whether you come out hating me in the end or not, we will see, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  He hands me the glass of water as I take the pill. I know that tomorrow is going to suck, both physically and emotionall
y.

  There’s a knock at the door and a little head pops in.

  “Abbey, can I come in?”

  Brayden. This is the longest we have gone without seeing each other since I’ve been here.

  “Yeah, come on in, handsome.”

  He skips in and comes to the end of the bed. “Daddy said you’re sick. I wanted to come check on you. He said Mr. Luke was back from his business trip for a couple days.”

  Luke raises an eyebrow, but I shake my head, dismissing it.

  “Yep, for a couple days. Luke, can you leave Brayden and me alone for a few minutes, please?”

  He cautiously gets off the bed. “Sure.”

  Luke closes the door on his way out and Brayden crawls onto the bed, coming to sit in my lap.

  “Are you going to be okay, Abbey? You’re not going to be like mommy and go to heaven are you?”

  “No, I’m not. Do you want to take a nap with me? I’m tired.”

  Brayden looks down at his hands nervously.

  “What’s going on, handsome?”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Well, I heard Daddy and Uncle Mason talking about Mr. Luke and you. He didn’t really go on a business trip. They said he hurt you and that there was a baby. Did you have a baby?”

  Blinking back tears, I try to come up with a way to tell him.

  “Mr. Luke hurt me by saying some mean things, and no, there’s not a baby anymore. It went to stay with your mom.”

  He throws his arms around me in a hug. “Mommy will take care of the baby, and I’ll deal with Mr. Luke later. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Let’s take that nap now.”

  I lay down and he curls up against me as we both doze off for the evening.

  Waking up, I find Will sitting beside me. He brushes the hair out of my face.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “Okay, I guess. Where’s Brayden?”

  “In his room. He got in trouble.”

  “What’d he do?”

  “A number of things. Once you were asleep, I guess he came out and kicked Luke, telling him how mean he was and then he refused to apologize, so he’s in trouble.”

  “But you’re proud of him.”