Secluded Nature

by Lindsey Brewster

“Absolutely, but he has to learn it’s wrong.”

  “Were you the one who punched Luke?”

  “Yeah, I did. Are you mad?”

  “No, I’m not. Nothing’s going to go back to normal.”

  “You don’t know that. He seems like he cares.”

  “But he still blames me for Ally’s death. I’m never going to be able to get him past that.”

  “I think you’re wrong. As much as I hate his guts right now, I really think you’re wrong about this. You two really need to talk. Y’all rushed into a relationship. You never established any boundaries. You and Luke need to start over and learn from all of this.”

  “Could we?”

  “That’s up to you two, not me. Abbey, are you ever going to eat? You really need to.”

  “I’m not hungry. I think I’m just going to sleep.”

  Sighing, he leans down and kisses my forehead before he leaves.

  I wake up later that night in pain. The cramps are really bad, but I deserve them: I lost the baby.

  I bring a pillow against my stomach and cry. I’m pulled into someone’s chest and held as the tears flow and I sob.

  “Shhh…” Luke.

  “It hurts so much. I couldn’t even keep the baby. I’m just inadequate as a woman.”

  “No, you’re not. Please don’t think that. I’m right here, and I’m not going to let you go. You’re not doing this alone.”

  Shaking my head against his chest, I sob. “I deserve it all. The pain and agony. It’s all my fault, I deserve every bit of it.”

  “Sweetheart, it’s not all your fault. I’m part of this, too. If I hadn’t done all of that to you, we wouldn’t even be here.”

  “Something bad always happens; I told you that. I can’t have anything that makes me happy, ever. It’s always been that way.”

  “You will be happy again. You aren’t going to be like this for forever. I’m not going to let this happen again. I won’t leave you or hurt you like this again. I promise.”

  “It’ll happen like always. Something will, it always does. Like this and your sister. I’m never going to be happy.”

  He holds me against him until I cry myself to sleep, hoping that in the morning it’ll be over.

  I wake up the next morning encased in a comfortable warmth, one that I’ve missed. I snuggle in closer to him, knowing that I shouldn’t, and his arms flex against me, pulling me tighter against him.

  I love him so much, but he hurt me and it’s no small thing to get over. I need him so much, and him being here is the only way I could even begin to get over this. It’s an overwhelming feeling, and I just don’t want him to let go right now. The cramps have finally subsided enough to be dealt with. I was up and down all night because of them.

  Luke’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts. “Abbey, is something wrong?”

  “No.”

  He goes to pull away from me and my eyes fill up with tears, not wanting him to get up. I just want him to stay here.

  He looks down at me in concern and wipes the tears away that have fallen out of my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

  “Please don’t let go. Can we just stay like this? I’m begging you.”

  He wraps his arms back around me, bringing me in closer.

  “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  We stay in this embrace for a while, not talking, just in silence.

  Eventually, I come to the conclusion that I need to shower and actually get out of bed today. I turn and pull away from him. “I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be back out in a few minutes.”

  “Alright. Yell if you need me.”

  After I turn the water on, I strip out of my clothes and get in, letting the hot water relax all of my muscles. The thought of the baby is still there, but I’ve cried all that I can right now. It hurts, and the pain is still there, but I’ve got a long road ahead and I need to get started. Maybe therapy would be a good idea. I set the thought aside for now, deciding to take it day by day before I decide on that.

  I get out and slip on some sweats and a tank top, walking out to find the bed empty. As I walk around my bed, I see the pallet on the floor where I assume Luke was until I woke him up with my crying.

  I walk out of my room to find Luke and Brayden in serious conversation while Will and Mason are arguing over breakfast. Everyone grows silent as they notice me.

  Brayden runs over and hugs me. Will smiles and offers me some breakfast, but I refuse, instead going for a cup of coffee.

  Mason walks over and hugs me.

  I sit down on the couch, watching everyone. Avery is practically attached to Mason’s hip. Will is cooking while Brayden and Luke are talking.

  After a while, the two littles head upstairs to watch a Disney movie while Will cleans up, and Mason steps outside to make a phone call.

  Luke comes to sit by me. “I know everything’s not even close to fixed, but come here.”

  I crawl into his lap and rest my head against his shoulder.

  “Abbey, you’ll never know how sorry I am for all of this. I wish you would’ve told me, but I understand now why you didn’t, because you were right. I probably would’ve called you a liar and I would have been even more angry with you. I just wish there was a way for you to see that I didn’t mean anything. I still love you. I really do, I was just an asshole.”

  “I’m not asking for apologies, Luke. I’m not saying we can get back together, because I don’t know, but all I know right now is that I need you here. I need you around me if I’m ever going to get through this. I mean that. I still feel like I’m going to fall apart, but it’s becoming bearable. It wasn’t even close to that when you weren’t there.”

  He buries his face in my hair, just holding me. “I’m not going anywhere. We are going to get through this, I promise. I wish there was a way I could go back, but there’s not. I understand there’s a chance you won’t let me back in, but I’m here for the long run.”

  We stay like this for a while, living in the safe present where we can be there for each other without worrying about past or future until the storm has passed.

  My stomach starts to hurt again and I clench my eyes shut, trying to let it pass. Luke rubs my back soothingly and kisses the top of my head. He allows me to get myself through it, knowing that it’s what I need to happen.

  “Is it getting worse again?”

  “No, it’s just some hurt more than others. I wish there was no pain sometimes, but other times I need it.”

  Avery and Brayden come bounding down the stairs. Brayden jumps in my lap and Avery crawls on beside him.

  Giggling, I ask Luke, “How’s your breathing?”

  He chuckles, “It’s fine.”

  Brayden gives me a kiss on the cheek and Avery gives Luke one before she turns away shyly.

  I burst out laughing and wrap my arms around the two of them in a hug.

  I can do this.

  Chapter 19

  I'm in a hospital room laying on a bed looking up at the lights. Dr. Walker comes walking towards me and flops a baby on my chest. "What a pathetic excuse for a mother you are. You couldn't even keep the baby alive."

  She walks away, leaving me staring at the baby on my chest. I scream and cry, trying to get up, trying to move, but I can't. All I can do is stare down at the little lifeless form on me.

  "Abbey! Abbey!"

  I try to find the voice, but my head won't move.

  "ABBEY!!"

  I jump forward, waking up to find three men surrounding me. They all have the same look of distress on their faces.

  I'm panting as I look down at my chest and body. The dream was so vivid. Luke looks at me and tries to touch me, but I recoil.

  "No! Stop. Don't touch me."

  Will tries to hug me and I move up against the headboard, pulling my knees to my chest.

  "GET AWAY FROM ME!! LEAVE!"

  They all take a collective step back, watching me sob uncontrollably. It’s been a couple of weeks s
ince the miscarriage, and I’ve been doing better until now.

  Mason is the first to break the silence. “What was the dream about?”

  I don't answer, knowing if I do they will try to comfort me, and I don't want that. I want them to be mad at me.

  “Abbey...”

  “Stop, please just go.”

  I watch Will motion for Mason to leave with him. Take Luke with you, please. Don't leave him.

  He doesn't leave. Instead, he pulls up a chair beside the bed and covers himself with a blanket.

  “If you don't want to talk about it, fine. But I'm not going back to my room. I'm staying right here, so don't start telling me to leave.”

  Getting up off the bed, I pull on a pair of sweats. “Well, if you won't leave, then I will.”

  Shutting the door behind me, I make a run to the first floor and outside. It's chilly, but not too bad. It is usually colder than this by mid-December.

  I run, letting all the thoughts I've been having run through my mind. Once I'm at the edge of the woods, I drop to my knees, letting the tears I have been holding back roll over me.

  Why me? It hurts so bad. I feel so empty and lifeless

  There are footsteps behind me, but I ignore them as I watch the sun come up.

  Luke comes up beside me and sits down.

  “You're gonna get sick out here, Abbey.”

  “Don't start. Just leave me alone.”

  “No, I will start, so come on.”

  He stands up and tries to pull me up too, but I refuse.

  “God dammit, Abbey, get up!”

  I get up this time and push him backwards.

  “Why can't you just be mad at me? Stop being so nice. I don't deserve it. Just stop!”

  He takes a step forward, but I stop him and push him back again.

  “Quit trying to comfort me. Just stop. You don't love me; you don't care. You just want to salvage what you have with me and your friendship with Mason.”

  “Why won't you listen to me? Dammit, Abbey, I'm in love with you. I need you around me.”

  I push against him and hit his chest. “Then why did you leave me? I needed you, and you just threw me away. You told me I'd be just fine. Well, I wasn't. You told me in front of your mom that you didn't love me anymore. Why?”

  My knees give out from under me and I start to fall to the ground, but he catches me and sits down with me on his lap.

  “Abbey, I was hurt. I blamed you, because I thought you could save anyone. You knew how much my sister meant to me. God, I still miss her, and then I find out you're pregnant and that you might have a miscarriage. My life is being turned upside down all at once. I know losing the baby was my fault, because I caused most of the stress, but I love you. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm stupid and I make mistakes, but I need you so much. I can prove it to you. I'll find a way. I need you back, and you need to get healthy again. You haven't eaten a normal meal in weeks.”

  I watch as the tears fall down his face, knowing I've caused his anguish, but I need to know. I can't just sit here in agony myself.

  “You didn't cause me to lose the baby. I lost it because I couldn't control my emotions. I let them rule my body, causing my blood pressure to go up. It's my fault. I'm a failure as a woman. I couldn't even keep a child alive. I guess it's payback for letting your sister go.”

  “No, there is no payback, because it wasn’t your fault. If you think for a second any rational part of me blames you, it doesn’t. I was angry and upset when we were told the news, and I blamed it on you because you were in there. Ally would’ve never wanted this to happen. She would’ve hit me for doing this to you. Please believe me.”

  “I can’t. You hurt me. I gave my heart to you and you just threw it away. Sure, it was out of anger, but I felt it, too. Do you think I wanted her to die, or that I let her? No. I don’t have a fucking job right now because of it. Everything I’ve worked towards is gone. How can I trust that you won’t do this to me again, Luke? I can’t just let it go back to normal. That’s never going to happen.”

  Taking my face in his hands, he stares into my eyes.

  “I don’t expect you to believe me or trust me. I’ll prove it to you that you can, but I’m not leaving either. My job has slowed down for the winter, but I still have some work that’s on hold. I’m here. You need to tell me what the dream was about. Why did it upset you so much?”

  Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. “I was in a hospital room laying on a bed, looking up at the lights. Dr. Walker walks over to me and flops a baby on my chest. She tells me what a pathetic excuse for a woman I am, because I lost the baby. Then she just walks away, leaving the lifeless body of the baby on my chest.” My chest heaves as a sob catches in my throat.

  I bury my head in my hands after the last word and try not to start crying again. Luke sits beside me in silence as I tell my tale, giving me space.

  After a moment, his hands come up to my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. One hand lifts my face up to look at him. “That was a dream, and I don’t want you to believe any of it, okay? Don’t. It would hurt me more if you did. I know you want to, but you can’t. This was not you Abbey. As much as I would love kids, especially with you, this was not the time for some reason. I don’t know why, but we can figure this out together. We will get through this together. I promise.”

  I just look down at my legs, staying silent.

  “How about we go back inside and fix something to eat?”

  Looking back up at him, I see the hope he has that I will actually eat something.

  “Okay.”

  He smiles and stands up, bringing me up with him.

  We walk back inside together and he starts making breakfast. Looking at the clock, I realize it’s only 5:30. As Luke cooks, I curl up on the couch and doze off for a few minutes.

  I’m woken up by Luke approaching with my plate of food. There are eggs, bacon, and a biscuit loaded onto a plate and a cup of coffee in his other hand.

  “You might not eat all of it, but I made enough in case you were hungry considering you haven’t really eaten a real meal in a while.”

  “Thanks.”

  As I stare down at the food, my stomach growls, letting me know how hungry it is. Taking a bite of the bacon, I look back up to see Luke looking down at me with triumph. He turns and grabs his own plate as I dig in. “I’m glad you’re eating. You’ve lost so much weight.”

  I shrug and continue to eat in silence, enjoying the taste of real food.

  After we’re done, I head to the shower while Luke does the dishes.

  Walking back out, I see everyone in their coats, ready to go.

  “Where are you all going, Will?”

  “Uncle Mason and I are taking the kids out shopping.”

  “Ah, okay. Bring me back something!”

  Brayden crosses his arms. “Not until Christmas! You have to wait for presents. “

  Bending down, I ruffle his hair. “If you say so, kiddo.”

  “Hey, gorgeous, Luke’s in the shower.”

  “Thanks.”

  And with that, they are ushered out the door.

  Grabbing a bottle of water, I flip through the TV channels. Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are amazing together in this movie. I sit on the arm of the couch, watching as Richard Gere uses his umbrella to pull down the fire escape stairs so he can climb up to her. He doesn’t care about societal norms, he just cares that he loves her, and he doesn’t want to let her go.

  A feeling washes over me, nearly bringing me to tears. I don’t understand it, but it's there. I just want to feel happy and loved. I want my happily ever after.

  Sighing, I stand and turn around, running straight into Luke’s chest.

  His chest rumbles as he laughs, and his arms wrap around me, encasing me in his warmth.

  He smells of soap and a smell that I recognize as his own.

  I rest my head against his chest, breathing it in. I feel loved and secure when he holds m
e. I just don’t want him to let me go. Being surrounded by him and feeling his warmth and love for me helps me forget.

  I hold on to him tightly, not wanting him to have the chance to let go. He feels the change in me and tightens his hold on me.

  “Abbey, are you okay?”

  “I know I was a horrible person this morning, but please don’t let me go. Please don’t. You help me forget.”

  “Never, baby. I’m not going to lose you again.”

  “I want to forget for awhile. I need to forget.”

  “How? We can’t erase our memories.”

  I look up at him, and it clicks. He gets what I mean.

  “I don’t know if that’s the smartest thing to do. I love you, but we can’t push this.”

  “Hasn’t it always been this for us, though? And who says it has to go all the way? If you don’t want it to, then it doesn’t. Just make me forget. I’m begging you. I’m tired of feeling this way.”

  He looks down at me and sighs. “If I didn’t feel the exact same way, and if I didn’t see the pleading in your eyes, my answer would be no, because this is not the way to deal with this.”

  “But when have I ever been normal? Hell, when have we, as a couple, ever been normal?”

  He smiles and puts a hand under my chin to lift my head up farther.

  “Mmmm, very true.”

  He leans down and gently covers my lips with his. A warmth slowly covers my body as our lips move together. I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing him closer as his hands trace down my sides. He walks us backwards until I’m at the edge of the couch. All of a sudden, he lifts me up so I wrap my legs around his waist and sits down on the couch. I move my legs to straddle him as he runs his tongue along my bottom lip, wanting entrance into my mouth. I give it, and we moan in unison. I grind myself against him, and he runs his hands under my shirt, tracing around the bottom of my bra before slipping under. It isn’t long before both of our shirts are off.

  We both break away for air again. “Abbey, we aren’t making love today.”

  I sigh resting my head on his shoulder. “I know, I just want… I don’t know what I want anymore.”

  Luke pulls me against him even more. “I’m not expecting you to know, but this is not the way to figure it out.”