Kissing Snowflakes

by Abby Sher

  “Did I … interrupt something?” Drew asked carefully.

  Oh, no. How had he gotten here? How much had he heard? I looked around to see if I could find his car. He must have come around back from the parking lot. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to leave now.

  “No! Not at all! Let’s go!” And I grabbed his hand. It was big and warm.

  “That guy lives there, right?” Drew asked as we got into his black Jetta. The heat went on full blast and I wanted so badly to just have the hot air blow away all the clouds that were fogging up my head.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I said.

  “Was he bugging you?” Drew asked.

  “No. Did you hear —?”

  Drew shook his head before I could finish. “I was too busy staring at your hair.”

  Yay, electric socket dance! “It’s usually really flat. But I have this trick,” I started. But Drew cut me off again, this time with his lips. I could smell his cherry ChapStick, could feel his cold nose on my skin. And it felt great. I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the past ten minutes with Eric. What did he know anyway? And who cared what Drew had done in the past? Or how many girls he had dated? He was with me now.

  By the time we got to the Fondue Pot, there was already a table set up in the back for us. I recognized some of the people from his lunchtime crowd. Honey Braids was there, still in her lavender sweater.

  “Hey, y’all!” she called when she saw us.

  I squeezed Drew’s hand and gave her a huge smile as we sat down.

  There were a couple of other people from their class, too. I saw two of the girls look at my hand in Drew’s and then lean in to each other and whisper something. It felt good. Liz and Dina were there, too. Liz looked really disappointed when she saw that Jeremy wasn’t with me.

  “He has a bad cold, I think from being out in the hot tub,” I told her. I didn’t want to lie, but I thought it was nicer than saying he and Aaron were watching wrestling matches on pay-per-view.

  The waitress came around and everybody dug into their pockets and bags. I took a deep breath. It was the first time that I was using my fake ID. Phoebe and Rachel and I had gotten them as a dare last year when we turned fifteen. My name was Anne Susan Spencer, which made me laugh because my initials spelled “ass.” I never used it because we never went to bars, anyway. But it was fun to pull it out of my wallet. I saw Drew look at me and grin. We all ordered hot toddies; Drew explained that they were whiskey with honey and lemon. Yeesh. More whiskey. I knew I had to take it slower with the drinking tonight. Then we decided on one cheese pot and one chocolate pot for the table. Everybody started talking about the snow and which trails were the best to go on.

  Honey Braids turned to me and said, “Hey, I’m Ashley.” She had warm brown eyes and a mess of freckles on her nose and cheeks.

  “I’m Sam.”

  “Yeah, I know. I’m really glad you decided to come. Drew was talking about how much fun you are!”

  I felt a smile sneak across my lips.

  “Really?”

  See? What did Eric know? I wasn’t just some girl. I watched Drew as he talked with some of his students. They were asking him about the Olympics. Of course, I had heard it before, but I loved to listen to his voice and have an excuse to just gaze at him.

  Then our drinks came. Liz stood up and tapped on one of the water glasses.

  “Excuse me! Excuse me! I would like to make a toast. To an awesome week in Vermont. To making new friends. And to Drew for teaching us to tackle the slopes and to leave your behind — behind!” Good for her. Conquer the cheese factor. Everybody laughed and tipped their glasses back. The drink was lemony and sweet. Then I felt Drew’s hand inch across my thigh and give me a gentle squeeze. Oops. I forgot to swallow and instead sputtered and coughed.

  Smooth, Levy, real smooth.

  Drew laughed quietly and patted me on the back. “Easy, rock star,” he whispered.

  I definitely needed to loosen up. I picked up my glass and took another big gulp. So much for taking it slow. Tonight was going to be all about having fun.

  “You taste like chocolate and cheese and marshmallows,” I murmured, giggling.

  Drew and I were parked somewhere between the Fondue Pot and the inn. He had turned off the headlights and made the front car seats lean all the way back. The sky was dancing around again from the two and a half hot toddies I’d had. The stars looked like they were being swallowed up by the inky night.

  “Don’t forget the bread and apples. Mmm, I could kiss you all night,” he said, leaning in again.

  His hands were big and strong, and he was running them through my hair, up along my neck, and — eek! — really close to my ears! I guided his hands back down to my shoulders. He didn’t seem to notice. Just kept kissing me, down one cheek and across my chin. And then he was unzipping my jacket and moving his hands up under my sweater. I was kind of ticklish and definitely nervous, but I tried not to flinch.

  Stay calm, Levy. Stay calm. This is what normal people do. Sara Spencer and Kevin Mallon are probably doing it right now. Pretend this is health class. It’s natural.

  I felt the cold air hit my bare stomach. I couldn’t take it.

  “Hey, Drew?” I said timidly.

  “Don’t worry, Sammy,” he whispered. “I have a condom.” His lips were inching down to my chest. His fingers were on my top jeans button. I moved my hands and held his firmly. Then I took in a deep breath and summoned up my fifteen and a half years of virginal courage.

  “Drew? I don’t think I can do this right now.” My words tumbled out and it felt like my teeth were too big for my mouth.

  He stopped. “I thought you were having fun,” he said.

  “I was. I am. I just — I’m not quite ready to do all that, you know. Right now. I’m … I’m …”

  Drew fell back in his seat and blew out a long sigh. “Wow,” he said. His face was hidden in shadow. But that was okay — I didn’t think I could look at it anyway.

  “I mean, I still want to kiss you and do all that other stuff, I just don’t know if I’m ready for sex right now. Is all.”

  He was still just lying there, looking at the ceiling of the car. Everything was incredibly still now. Too still. I waited, but, of course, my mind was racing. Pretty soon more thoughts came spilling out.

  “I mean, I’m really having fun. I just thought, maybe we could get to know each other first. I mean, I know you, but I don’t really know you, you know? Like, I know you ski and you like reading Sports Illustrated, which is cool, but do you do other things, like play an instrument or go camping, or … I don’t know. Are you allergic to anything I should know about?”

  It was meant to be a joke, sort of, but it wasn’t funny. I kept going.

  “Like, here’s a couple of things you might not know about me. I do the school newspaper and last year I was in this play, but whatever. My friends Phoebe and Rachel and I volunteer sometimes at this nursing home and I mean it’s kinda boring but they’re really sweet and this one guy named Mr. Keys thinks he’s still a general in the army and he calls us to attention — it’s pretty funny, but I mean, when I get that old I’m sure I’ll be wandering around in a shower cap getting lost in the frozen food section of the grocery store, or I think I may move to Utah. But blah, blah, blah. Tell me about you! What are you thinking? And what do you like? And yeah, what are you thinking? Let’s just talk some more.”

  “Sam, didn’t we do this last night?” Drew’s voice sounded tired.

  “Yeah, but I mean, you said that was just the beginning, remember?”

  “Sure,” he said, but he still wouldn’t look at me. He just sighed again. “You do a lot of talking, Sam. Like too much sometimes. Sometimes you gotta let your body take over instead of your mind.”

  Maybe he was right. After all, he had been at this longer than I had. But I knew I wasn’t ready for sex. Not in a steamy Jetta. Not — no, not at all. Not now.

  I tried again, softer this time. “It’s ju
st, there’s so much to learn about each other. Like, tell me about the Olympics!”

  “I’ve never been.”

  “Yeah, but, the trials. I mean, are you gonna try out again?”

  “I guess.”

  “Cool!” Another silence. Ugh. “Hey, Drew?”

  “Yeah?”

  “There are other things besides sex that we could do.” I tried to snuggle down next to him. But now it felt like I didn’t fit there. Like I had too many limbs or something. “Do you wanna …?” I started kissing him up under his chin. He had a small scar running just under his jaw, and I touched my lips to it as tenderly as I could.

  “Hey, Sam?”

  “Yeah?” I whispered.

  “Sorry, I’m just not feeling it so much right now, you know? Wind’s kinda sucked outta my sails,” he said.

  “Yeah, okay,” I said, deflating steadily.

  And then we just lay there. I pulled down my sweater because I felt stupid lying there with my stomach in the moonlight.

  “Listen, I think maybe I should just take you back to the inn, okay?” Drew said.

  “Sure,” I heard myself say. But I didn’t feel connected to it. I didn’t feel connected to anything anymore.

  We drove the rest of the way in silence. I really didn’t want to cry. Please, Levy. Hold it together until we get back. I hoped Phoebe had her phone with her now, wherever she was. When we got to the inn, Drew pulled up outside the front, and kept the car idling.

  “I had a really good time tonight,” I managed to say. “Did you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I mean, I hope we can do more of what we were doing and stuff. And maybe pretty soon we can do more. I just want to get to know you more before —”

  “Yeah, I get it,” he said, still looking forward.

  “Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, sure.” But he wasn’t leaning in to give me a kiss, or stroke my hair, or anything.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” Finally, he turned to face me, but his eyes looked cold and small now.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” I said with what I hoped was a smile.

  He gave a short nod.

  I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. Then I opened the car door. I wanted so badly for him to say “Stop!” or grab my arm and pull me into him, but he didn’t. He didn’t do anything. And I walked back into the inn, the world still feeling wobbly beneath my feet, but now for an entirely different reason.

  There was definitely something going on. I had tried Phoebe about a hundred times when I got back to the inn last night and then again this morning. Still no answer. I hoped it wasn’t something bad with her grandma. She had been sick for a while. But Phoebe would’ve called me if something happened, right? Was there something she wasn’t telling me?

  Finally, I gave up and headed out to Sugar Peak with Dad, Kathy, and Jeremy. I was not in great shape. My lips were puffy and my head was pounding and there seemed to be a lot more turns in the drive over. But this wasn’t just a hangover. This was something much heavier weighing me down.

  Jeremy announced he was going to take a snow-boarding class. Dad asked if I wanted to join them for cross-country, but I said no, even though I wasn’t sure who I was going to hang out with. I seriously considered parking myself in front of the fire, but somehow it felt too sad without Margie and her interactive sweater. I strapped myself into my giant-sized boots and then got in line for the chairlift — alone.

  I saw Liz and Dina and Heidi sometime later in the morning. I had just done an advanced beginner slope called Mystic Mountain or Magic Mists. Something like that. It was pretty fun, I guess. I spent a fair portion of the trip down on my butt, of course.

  I recognized Liz’s furry hood first.

  “Hey!” I called.

  Dina turned around and smiled. “Oh, hey, Sam!”

  “Sammy!” said Heidi with a big wave. Liz was busy fixing something on her skis.

  “Missed you guys last night,” I said when I got close enough to actually talk instead of shout.

  “Yeah, I was having fun being lazy and Miss Heidi here was busy with Nate.” Dina nudged Heidi in the ribs. But she didn’t have to. Heidi’s smile was already so big it took up her whole face.

  “I thought his name was Trey.”

  Heidi scrunched up her nose.

  “No. Different guy,” she said. “Nate’s a bartender.”

  “Okay, okay. We all know that Heidi’s gotten a lot of action. Let’s just get back to the lift, okay? Some of us are trying to do some skiing, you know,” said Liz.

  “Liz thinks she saw this cute guy from our first class out here,” Dina said out of the side of her mouth. “Manhunt,” she added in a whisper. But Liz saw the whole thing.

  “Listen, little Miss I-already-have-someone-I’m-so-perfect-and-cute-and-happy, just because you like to stay at home and paint your nails and talk to lover-boy on the phone, doesn’t mean that I have to sit home and watch you.” Her voice was nasal and she looked like she was biting off her words. Then she turned to me for the first time.

  “How’s your brother, Sam?” she said with a sneer.

  “Fine, I guess.”

  “Well, I think he’s an ass.”

  I started laughing. I couldn’t help it. It was just that I had never heard someone else call him that besides me. But Liz didn’t find it funny at all.

  “Whatever. We gotta go. You guys ready?”

  Dina rolled her eyes and Heidi mouthed “Sorry” and then the three of them were off.

  Wow. Now I really missed Phoebe.

  I spent most of lunch in the bathroom, avoiding Drew. He was over at a table full of people. Lots of girls, of course. I knew I wanted to say something to him, like about the importance of connecting with people before you have sex, and how I thought we really “got” each other. But would he care?

  My pocket was vibrating. I pulled out my phone.

  The caller ID said PHEEBS. Finally!

  “Hey!”

  “Sam!”

  “Where have you been? Are you okay? Is it Grandma? What’s going on?!”

  “I … miff … er.”

  We were breaking up.

  “I’ll call you right back!” I shouted, then threw open the stall door. A woman at the mirror stared at me angrily. “This is supposed to be —”

  “Sorry!” I yelped, running out the door. The chalet was way too loud. I tried to find a closet or a hidden corner. Nothing. Forget it. I raced outside and dialed her number again. Yipes! It was cold without a coat on.

  “’lo?”

  “Pheebs?”

  “Hey, Sam. How’s it going?”

  “Fine! Well, not fine. But more on that later. How are you?”

  “Good.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah.” She sounded really far away, though. And then there was a long pause. “Listen, Sam, can I — can we maybe talk later? I guess I wanted to talk to you, but … pickle.”

  Pickle was our code word for somebody just walked in the room who I can’t talk in front of. It was usually one of our parents or something. It was kind of not very subtle to say “pickle” in the middle of a sentence, but — oh, well.

  “Yeah, sure Pheebs. I’ll call you tonight. Okay? Or you call me.”

  “Yeah, let’s talk tonight.”

  “But you’re sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah,” she said quickly, then “Bye!” and hung up. What was that? I spent a few minutes just looking at the phone, wishing she would call back and explain. She’d never acted like this before. By the time I got back into the chalet, it was clearing out. I guessed I had missed my opportunity to talk to Drew at lunch. But he could’ve found me to talk to if he wanted. Something told me he didn’t want to, though. My stomach hurt thinking about it.

  “There you are!” said Dad, coming over with Kathy. “You disappeared on us at lunch.”

  “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Kathy saved
you this turkey sandwich, if you want it,” Dad said, as Kathy reached out and handed me a bundle in a paper napkin and then smiled shyly.

  “It’s pretty yummy,” she said.

  “Thanks,” I said coldly. Ugh. She just wanted me to like her. Why couldn’t Drew try this hard?

  “So, meet you back here, usual time?” said Dad.

  “Sure,” I said.

  I decided to go back to Pine Bluffs again. I actually managed to get through almost the whole trail on my feet on the first try. It felt pretty good, too. But, of course, there was nobody to share my success with. I made my way back to the lift.

  “Hey, partner!” I heard behind me. It was that girl Ashley with the braids, from the night before. “How’s it going?” She gave me a hug like we were best buddies. It was a little odd, considering how Liz had treated me that morning and how funky my real best friend had just acted.

  “I’m okay,” I lied. “How are you?”

  “Great! Wasn’t that fun last night? Seemed like you and Drew were having a total blast.” Ugh. I guess there were two people who still said “total blast.”

  “Sort of.” I moved forward so she would know that I didn’t feel like talking about it. But she slid in right next to me.

  “Hey, I won’t pry. Just wanted to see if you wanted to go up together?”

  “Sure.” Why not, right?

  The whole way up the mountain, Ashley talked about how she’d never seen so much snow in her life. She was from a farm in Texas and the only time she had seen snow was in one of those globes that her mom brought back from a trip to Minnesota where you could turn it upside down and then watch the city sparkle with glittery flakes. She was in West Lake with her best friend, Emily, so they could learn how to ski. But Emily had woken up with a fever and chills that morning.

  “Poor darlin’. I left her surrounded by a sea of tissues. Not much of a vacay, huh?” Ashley loved to abbreviate random words like that. Like I soon learned that “tote hilare” meant “totally hilarious” — one of her favorite phrases. As in “Did you see that dude in the spandex pants and the matching vest?! That was tote hilare!” Or “They serve Jell-O without cool whip on top! Isn’t that just tote hilare?!” Somehow with her southern lilt it worked. And she was the first person I’d ever met who could talk faster than me. It was fun to hear her chirp and tweet about the snow, the air, the beauty of it all.