Kissing Snowflakes

by Abby Sher

  When we got to the top of the lift and landed, she glided over to a ledge a little farther than I’d been before. Then she opened her arms and tilted her face up into the sun. “I just love it!” she sang. Her braids fell down her back, her lips smiling up into the sky. “C’mere, look at this!” she said.

  I was going to tell her that I had a lot on my mind right now and maybe I would later, but she didn’t even wait for my response. “Come here!” She pulled me over to where she was standing. The whole city of West Lake lay below. And beyond that, miles and miles of mountains and plains.

  “Wow,” I heard myself say.

  “Yeah. Pretty phenom, huh?” she said. “Hard to find too many things wrong with the world when you see it from up here.”

  She was right. Maybe I was taking myself a little too seriously. Nobody had died or anything. Phoebe was acting a little strange. I’d hear the whole story later. And I just needed to talk to Drew so we could get on the same page, too. I didn’t need this whole sex thing to ruin my good time. I vowed then and there to make the most of the day. Take in the fresh mountain air. See new bits of sky. And when we got down I would march over to Drew and I would look him square in those stunning eyes and I would say, Listen, I know that I’m not like a lot of other girls, but just give me some time. I have really kissable lips and a lot of other good qualities. Like I have a great sense of rhythm and I have 20/20 vision and I’m not bad at Ping-Pong and I can —

  Okay, maybe I’d come up with something shorter.

  Ashley wanted to try the Basin Trail. She said it was supposed to be intermediate level, but there weren’t too many turns and at the bottom there was a basin with a little pond and sometimes kids from the neighborhood went ice-skating there.

  “We have to walk a little ways to get there, but I promise it’s supposed to be tote delish.” Sounded good to me.

  We made our way to the head of the trail and pushed off. I leaned forward, bending my knees, nose pointed straight ahead.

  “Woo-hoo!” I heard Ashley yell below me.

  “Woo-hoo!” I yelled back, the wind whipping my face. It felt great. My legs felt solid and sturdy. I followed the trail carefully, taking in deep breaths, smelling the firs, the bark, the cold. And then we emptied out into a beautiful opening. There was a circular pond, slick and white, with a handful of kids slipping and tripping around in lopsided circles. There were two mothers standing by the side, watching.

  “So cute,” sighed Ashley.

  “Mmm-hmmm,” I agreed.

  “They look so free,” she said.

  “Yeah. Yeah.”

  We stood there and just watched. It felt so good and therapeutic to see their little bodies flailing and flopping, weebling and wobbling. They were having so much fun. They didn’t care what they looked like or if they were cool or if they were supposed to be something that they weren’t. They were just being. I had a lot to learn from them. I needed to just be okay with me the way that I was.

  Okay. One thing I’m not good at is waiting.

  I was sitting in the living room of the inn at 11:00 that night, staring at my cell phone, which was still not ringing. Hadn’t Phoebe said that she would call me or I would call her, but that some way we would talk tonight? What was with her? I felt like I was going to go nuts just sitting in front of the fire all night. And I didn’t want to go outside and go for a walk, because I was kind of expecting another call, too, on the land line. Only it was pretty obvious at this point that that wasn’t going to happen. But I promised myself I wouldn’t give up hope. Not yet, at least.

  This is what happened. That afternoon, I had seen Drew leaving the chalet just as I was returning my skis. I ran after him.

  “Hey!” (Me: panting, smiling brightly, determined.)

  “Hey.” (Him: blank face, eyes shifty, but still frustratingly handsome.)

  “Are you on your way somewhere?” (Me: still smiling, still determined.)

  “Yup.” (Him: uninterested, taking out a ChapStick.)

  “Well, I’d love to talk, if you want.” (Me: trying to remember global warming, nuclear proliferation, everything else more important and sadder than this moment.)

  “Sure, yeah. Listen, I’m late.” (Him: walking away.)

  “Well, do you want my number maybe?” (Me: determined. Not to cry.)

  “I’ll just call the inn. I’ve got the number there …” (Him: disappearing into the dark, his voice trailing off, leaving me shivering and cold.)

  So I came back to the inn, crushed and hollow. Ashley asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel where she was staying and watch movies with her and Emily, but I told her I was pretty tired. Which was true. I was tired of wondering. And wishing. And waiting.

  I tried Phoebe a bunch of times again before giving up and settling on the couch in the living room. It was pretty quiet there, actually. Jeremy and Aaron had gone out with some other guys to hear a local band, and Dad and Kathy had gone to bed early. There were a couple of other guests hanging around the fire and I briefly saw Eric and Phil cleaning up after supper, but besides that, I was mostly by myself, trying to figure out what I was going to say when (or if) either phone rang. So far, nothing. Except for one time I came back from the bathroom and there was a copy of Franny and Zooey on the couch where I had been sitting. I guess Eric had put it there. Which was bizarre, right? That guy was hard to figure out. I actually tried opening it and reading, but all the words kept swimming around in front of me.

  11:28. The phone next to me started vibrating.

  “Pheebs!”

  “Hey, Sam.”

  “Okay, what is going on?”

  “Sorry, it’s been really busy here. You know, my cousin Amy is staying with us for a few days.” I had forgotten about that. Phoebe’s cousin Amy is really cool. She’s two years older than us and lives in Seattle and loves to go to the movies and shopping and stuff. But still, it didn’t seem like Amy would stop Phoebe from calling me.

  “Well, so what have you been doing? Seen any movies or anything?” I tried to sound relaxed and chatty, but I felt like I was going to split in half, I was so uneasy.

  “Not really,” she said. “What’s going on with you?”

  “Nothing.” Two could play at that game, right? Only it felt really stupid and mean. And I was dying to tell her about everything with Drew and Liz, and Ashley, but mostly Drew. It was so horrible just sitting here in this empty space.

  Please, just say something. Anything.

  I heard her take in a long breath.

  “Actually, Sam, I guess there is something I want to say. I was gonna talk to you about it when you got home but …” She trailed off.

  “Please, Pheebs. It’s me, your best friend. What is it? Is everything okay?” Another thing I am not good at is surprises. And this one didn’t sound like tickets to the circus or a new puppy.

  “Yeah. No, everything’s fine. I just wanted to say … Well, I’m really glad you said that thing the other night about being over Leo because, um …”

  “Phoebe, you were so right. Even though things are not so great with Drew right now, I know that Leo is not who I should be with. I mean, there is so much more out there. Like people who can talk and laugh and — no, wait, I interrupted. Sorry. What were you saying?”

  “Well, it’s just …” Another deep breath. “I’ve seen him a lot at Murphy’s the past few nights and … I kinda know that he has feelings for another girl,” she said.

  “Wow!” Okay, not what I wanted to hear but I had other men to think about, right? Still, I felt my chest tighten. “How did you find that out?”

  “Because he told me.”

  “Well, whatever. That’s good, I guess. Do you know who it is? Is it that girl Dana? I think she got a nose job. Or is it Emma Parker, the girl from Central?”

  Silence.

  And it took me a few seconds, but then I knew exactly who that girl was. My words hung in the air. My mouth was still open, and my breath was really fast and loud.<
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  “It’s me,” Phoebe mumbled. It was the softest voice, barely above a whisper. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t need her to be any louder.

  “Sam?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t want to do anything about it unless you are really over him. I mean, he told me the other night at Dave’s, and I told him I had to think about it, because I wanted to talk to you first, but then it didn’t feel right to tell you over the phone, you know? So I just tried to ignore it until you came home. But then tonight he was, like, ‘Well, what do you think?’ and I didn’t know what to say because I like him, you know we both liked him, but I would never ever do anything to jeopardize our friendship, but then the other night you said you were completely over him and then you said it again tonight, but … okay, that’s it.”

  It felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. “Did you … kiss?” I asked. I knew it was immature. But I didn’t care.

  “Well, no,” she said. “I mean, sort of, but —”

  That was more than I needed to know, actually.

  “What do you mean, sort of?! You can’t sort of kiss someone, Phoebe! Just like you can’t sort of be someone’s best friend! Which, I guess, is what you’ve been doing!”

  “No, Sam! That’s not true! You are my best friend! You always have been! That’s why —”

  I opened the sliding door and stepped outside so I could really scream now. It was freezing out here, but I didn’t care. I was sweating, and I could feel the blood pulsing behind my eyes.

  “Yeah, well, you know what, Phoebe? Best friends don’t do things like this! They don’t go behind backs and start kissing people and lying to them over the phone —”

  “I didn’t lie, Sam!”

  “No! You don’t get to talk right now, Phoebe! This is my turn to talk and you’d better sit down because you know when I get going it’s gonna be a long night! I can’t believe this is happening! I can’t believe you would think that was okay! I trusted you! I told you everything!”

  The tears started leaking out. More like gushing, actually. And I didn’t try to stop them. I was so mad and hurt and lost and alone. Everyone was abandoning me. First my dad, then stupid Drew, and now my best friend in the whole world. I think Phoebe was crying, too. I couldn’t really tell. But when I finally caught my breath, I could hear her making those gulpy hiccuping sounds and sniffling a lot.

  “I’m gonna go,” I whimpered.

  “No, wait! Sam, I’m gonna tell him I can’t see him anymore. I swear. I didn’t mean to —”

  “You do whatever you want, Phoebe,” I said and closed my phone.

  I pulled my sweater in tighter around me. My fingers were numb from the cold and I looked up into the sky. That wide-open infinite sky. But now I didn’t know what to ask for anymore.

  The next day, I knew I looked like a train wreck — my nose and eyes were red and swollen and I had those little splotches on my cheeks that I get after a long bawl. Ashley didn’t say anything, though, she just grabbed my hand as I was picking up my skis and said, “Hey, friend. What should we do today?”

  It was her last day in West Lake. Emily was still stuck in bed, and Ashley said she wanted to go on as many trails as she could before the day was through. I told her I could show her Pine Bluffs. She was game. The whole way up, she told me stories about these chickens on her farm called Lucy and Desi. They always fought with each other and pecked at each other’s feathers until they had big bald spots. And she had a dog named Echo who was part German shepherd and blind in one eye and always tried to push all the furniture into one corner of the living room.

  By the time we got to the top, I wasn’t exactly laughing, but I was feeling a little lighter. And I was glad I hadn’t stayed at the inn sulking.

  We did Pine Bluffs.

  “Woo-hoo!” Ashley yelled.

  “Woo-hoo,” I answered, even though it sounded pretty weak.

  Then we tried Mountain Vista Trail, which had amazing mountain vistas (duh). And one called Western Ridge, which I guess was on the west side of the mountain range. To be honest, I wasn’t looking that much at the views today. I was concentrating more on yelling and yodeling with Ashley the whole way down. And I was going pretty fast now. I leaned lower and really caught some speed.

  “Tote fabu!” she drawled at the bottom of our fourth run of the morning. “Man, I could use some grub!”

  “Me, too.” I knew there was a good chance that I would see Drew at the chalet, but I had to face him sometime, right? I still wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

  I picked out a slice of pizza and a cup of chicken noodle soup and put down my tray of food next to Ashley’s. She had gotten a meatball sub and a side of mozzarella sticks. Yeah, I liked this girl. We got each other. Dad, Kathy, and Jeremy found us. Jeremy’s face was bright red and his freckles looked like they were on fire. He had gone snowboarding in some canyon out past the Basin.

  “Greatest morning ever!” he announced, his mouth full of chicken Parmesan. I rolled my eyes at Ashley and we both laughed. All during lunch we chatted about food, school, life in Texas. Ashley was charming the pants off Dad. I could tell he was glad to see I had made a good friend out here. She told us she was from a little town called Lubbock. Her dad was a farmer and she had four older brothers. Her mom was a secretary at their church.

  “What church do y’all go to?” she asked.

  I saw Jeremy laugh into his sandwich.

  “Actually, we’re Jewish,” I said.

  “That is awesome! We have a couple of Jewish kids in my school. Ari Nussbaum and Peter — something. They read a lot! Do y’all read a lot, too?”

  Now I laughed. So did Dad and Kathy. To a total stranger, I bet it looked like we were one big happy family. I wasn’t about to explain.

  After lunch, Ashley and I headed back out to the slopes.

  “See you suckers later,” said Jeremy. Aaron was waiting for him with some of their new buddies from snowboarding class.

  “Usual time? At the chalet?” asked Dad.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Ashley, it was a pleasure. Hope to see you later.”

  “Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Levy. You take care now,” she said with her endearing smile.

  Yeah. Keep the mouth shut, Levy. Not worth it.

  I watched Dad and Kathy take hands and head off to the cross-country trails. Then Ashley and I got in line for the lift. Ashley was talking about how sweet my family was, and how it was so funny that the cheese here tasted different than the cheese in Texas, but that made sense, didn’t it? Because it was different milk or at least different cows, right? And I think I said sure, but to be honest, I was having trouble concentrating now because a few feet behind us I could hear, “No, you’re doing great, doll. You just have to remember —”

  “Keep your behind behind. I know. I was trying, but I just couldn’t get it. Oops!” Giggle giggle.

  Well, I guess it was time to cross that bridge. I needed to get a good look, though, just to make sure. I tried to act really subtle, like I had gotten something on my shoulder, craning my neck around to wipe off an imaginary dust ball. Yup. Light blue hooded jacket with fuzzy white trim, and a matching fuzzy scarf that was sprouting out of her neck. She looked cute enough. Small. Upturned nose. And right next to her was that shock of blond hair.

  “That’s all right. We’ll get some time up there just you and me this afternoon,” Drew said.

  I felt my jaw tighten. My hands were balled up into fists.

  “Sammy, what do you think?” Ashley was saying.

  I turned back around. “Um, I think …”

  “Wow! The Olympics! Are you for real? That is so totally awesome and inspiring!” Fuzzy yammered behind me.

  “Weeeelllll?” said Ashley.

  “Yeah, well. It was only the trials. I’m hoping next time — you know, I’ll actually get to compete,” he said, and I could just imagine his lips stretching into
that seductive grin.

  “You okay, darlin’?” asked Ashley. Her voice was soft and concerned now. “You look a little pale.”

  “Yeah. Um, Ashley, I think there’s something I have to do before I can go up again. Is that okay?”

  “Sure! I thought you just went after lunch, though. Oh, well. Whatever. Sometimes I think that I’ve gone all the way and then as soon as I zip my pants up I have to go again. I think a lot of girls are like that. I try to drink a lot of cranberry juice. I heard that’s good for your kidneys. I don’t know. Have you ever tried it?”

  “No, I just have to talk to someone. About … something.” I really didn’t want to go into it. I didn’t want to be doing this at all. But I knew I had to do it now. Before I lost my nerve.

  “Well sure, Sam,” Ashley said. “You do what you need to do.”

  “Be right back.” I dug my poles firmly into the ground and shook my hair out behind me. I marched over toward him. Or rather, I skidded. It’s kind of hard to do anything else on skis.

  “Um, Drew?”

  His face turned around slowly. Like he was taking his time. Like he had been expecting me.

  “Hey, what’s up, Sam?”

  “Well, I was just wondering if maybe we could talk or something?”

  “Sure, what about?”

  Fuzzy Wuzzy was playing with her zipper, but I could tell she was listening.

  “Um, I mean, maybe we could talk somewhere else?”

  “Well, I’m kinda busy right now,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. There were just a few people left ahead of him now in line.

  You can do this, Levy.

  “No, I know. Not now. I meant, like after your …” I looked at Fuzzy. “Your class. Maybe we could grab some hot chocolate?”

  He sighed.

  “Hmm, I’ve got plans already.”

  “Really?” I sounded like someone had just punched me in the gut. Maybe because that’s what it felt like, too.