No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  Ethan looked up at India with his huge blue eyes. “Mommy, can Scott give me a Mohican? Like this, look!” He started to push his hair up from the sides until it stood up in the middle of his head and India couldn’t help laughing.

  “Yeah, ok. If he’s not busy.”

  Bobby gave an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. “Almost seven years I’ve been your Godfather, Ethan Walsh, and none of my style has rubbed off on you. None of it. Where have I been going wrong?”

  Ethan slid off the sofa and ran over to Bobby, stopping at the doorway and turning back to look at India once more. “When can I see daddy?”

  JJ gently rubbed India’s back, feeling her tense up at the question.

  “Soon, baby. You can see him soon.”

  As soon as the door closed behind them, India stood up.

  “I’m going to talk to him.”

  “Talk to who?” JJ asked, still sitting on the arm of the sofa.

  “Michael.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes, now. Before Ethan sees me and his dad together for the first time he can ever remember in his short little life.”

  “Is that the only reason?”

  She looked at JJ. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You were in love with him once.”

  She just stared at him, not trusting herself to say anything.

  JJ stood up, pushing a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what made me say that.”

  India shrugged off his hand as he tried to touch her, turning away from him. “I’ve got to sort something out, Joe. There’s got to be some kind of relationship there whether I like it or not, or this just isn’t going to work.”

  “I know,” JJ sighed, coming over to her. He gently touched her waist, and this time she didn’t shake him off. She turned round and let him hold her loosely. “I understand that now. Really, I do.”

  She looked up at him. “Do you?”

  He nodded. “I’m just being stupid. We’ve only been married a few weeks and I guess I’m just not ready for the honeymoon to end yet. Ignore me.”

  India couldn’t help smiling, wrinkling up her nose. “Well, to be honest,

  Joseph, you’re pretty hard to ignore so, that’s going to be a bit difficult.”

  He smiled too. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s ok.”

  He kissed her slowly. “Do you want me to come with you?” Because he wanted to. He really wanted to.

  She shook her head, playing with the collar of his jacket. “No. I need to do this on my own. I’ve got to grow up and deal with this because it was always going to happen, I know that now. I just never really wanted to face up to it before. Not until I had to.”

  He kissed her again, pulling her close. “Just be careful, ok?”

  She smiled again, gently stroking his face. “I’ll be fine, really. I’ll be fine.”

  JJ let her go and watched as she left the trailer, sitting back down on the arm of the sofa, looking down at the wedding ring on his left hand. He knew exactly why he’d reacted the way he had just then. Of course there was a reason. Michael Walsh was back in her life and, despite their past, despite everything that had gone on between them, he could see something in her eyes. Her ex-husband was back in her life and that worried JJ. Until now there’d been no distractions, nothing to get in the way and this new situation, it didn’t feel right and it scared him, this uncertainty, this development he didn’t want to have to deal with. They’d just got married and he was still in that stage where all he wanted to do was look at his new wife, to try and believe that she was actually his. From a fantasy in a photograph to reality in his bed, that’s what India Walsh was to him and he didn’t want anyone to get in their way.

  But if only he could have realised, if only he could have seen what was coming. If only he could have seen that. But he had no idea. He had no idea at all. Nobody did.

  ***

  Michael saw her coming towards his trailer through the window and he felt his stomach do a major somersault, his heart suddenly starting to beat faster and a child-like excitement washed over him as he ran around the trailer, tidying up papers, straightening cushions, throwing cups and glasses into the sink and he had no idea why, maybe it was a nervous reaction. But she was coming to him, and that had to be a good thing, didn’t it?

  He stopped what he was doing and looked in the mirror, leaning forward slightly, his fingertips tracing the lines around his eyes. He looked older; there was no getting away from it. He didn’t look his age, far from it, but he looked older and today – today he felt older, something he hadn’t experienced before, something he’d never thought he would. But it was today that he’d realised it had been India keeping him young, and seeing her new, younger husband hadn’t helped. She’d chosen someone so far removed from him, so different. Had what he did made her hate him so much that she’d gone for a man who couldn’t be further from the person he was?

  The knock on his trailer door made him start slightly, and he quickly pulled himself together, taking a deep breath as he opened it.

  “Can I come in?” she asked, not waiting for his answer as she pushed past him into the trailer. He closed the door, watching as she walked over to the window, looking out briefly before turning round to face him.

  “You ... you haven’t got Ethan with you,” Michael said, keeping a distance he sensed she wanted between them.

  “No, I haven’t. I wanted to talk to you first, before he sees us together. God knows this is confusing enough for him as it is.”

  Michael looked down at the ground for a second, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Me and you ... we’re his mom and dad and yet ... we’ve never talked about him, together.” He looked up at her. “We’ve never talked about him together, India. Have we?”

  What could she say to that? It was true. They hadn’t, and how they’d managed to do that still amazed her. But today, standing here in front of Michael, it also made her sad. The last time they’d spoken about their child he’d been seven months old. Just a baby. They’d never gone to his school together, never gone to his plays or his parents’ evenings together. They’d always taken it in turns. Ethan always got one of them but he’d never got them both and that hadn’t been fair on him. She hadn’t been fair. He may be growing up in Hollywood where nothing was unusual, and his teacher’s had never batted an eyelid at the strange set up they had but, it wasn’t fair. Not on Ethan. It wasn’t fair.

  “He’s growing up so fast, isn’t he?” Michael went on, unable to look away from her. She was still so beautiful, still the same beautiful India and he couldn’t just switch those feelings off, even after all this time, he couldn’t do it.

  India nodded, not really knowing what to say anymore. “He’ll always be my baby,” she whispered. “He’s an amazing little boy, Michael. Despite the crap we’ve put him through.”

  Michael looked down at the ground again. “Look ... we have to talk, India. For Ethan’s sake.”

  “I know. But, before we do anything let’s get one thing straight. He’s going to ask questions, he’s going to wonder what’s going on and he’s probably going to be very confused because this is a situation you can’t really explain to a child his age. But one thing we don’t do - one thing you don’t do - is give him any hope, any false hope that you and I are going to get back together, ok? That isn’t going to happen and he needs to know that.”

  Michael felt his heart sink as he watched her face, the determination, the hardness, it hadn’t been there before. She was different in some ways. She looked the same, she’d felt the same, but she was different.

  “What happened at the hotel …”

  “… was a mistake, Michael.”

  “I saw it in your eyes, India, I saw what you were feeling, and that was real, baby. That was real.”

  She wasn’t going to let him wear her down again, she wasn’t going to let him do that. She couldn’t regret what they’d done in L
ondon, she couldn’t lie to herself and say she hadn’t wanted to feel him touch her or kiss her again because she had. But she couldn’t go back. She had to move forward or this mess was only going to get worse, so she had to get strong all over again and make him understand that she wasn’t coming back. Even if, deep down inside, there was a tiny part of her that wished she was.

  “It won’t happen again, Michael. Whatever it was, if it was anything at all, it isn’t going to happen again.”

  He couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t get any words out. She felt this way now, of course she did, this was all new, this had all been thrown at her at once and she was bound to be wary, bound to be careful, but what Michael had to do was cling onto the hope that things would change. It was early days. Things could change, and so could she.

  “Michael? Did you hear what I said?”

  He nodded, moving a few steps closer, pleased to see that she didn’t step back.

  “I don’t know what we’re going to tell Ethan,” she went on, pushing a hand through her now shorter blonde hair, looking back out of the window for a second.

  “He’ll be fine. He’s a smart kid, he’ll be ok.”

  She looked at him again. He looked tired. The beard really did suit him though, surprisingly, because he was still so handsome, he still had that look about him.

  “India ... I’m sorry. You need to know that because, I never got the chance to tell you and, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Why this movie, Michael? Why didn’t you tell me you were directing?”

  “Would you have backed out if you’d known?”

  “Yes.”

  “And that’s why I had to make sure it was kept secret. It was the only way I could think of to get your attention. You wouldn’t see me, you wouldn’t speak to me. I had to do something.”

  She stared at him. “Hang on ... you did this deliberately? You made sure it all happened this way? You set this up?”

  Michael came closer again but this time she did back away, slightly.

  “India, I had to. I had to make sure I got this movie, I had to make sure I did this.”

  She laughed, a cynical laugh, turning round, turning away from him. She couldn’t believe this. How the hell had he managed to pull this off? How the hell had she not known anything about this? She’d always known he was a powerful man in Hollywood, but until now she hadn’t realised just how powerful. To be able to pull strings like this, it was crazy!

  “You’re unbelievable. Do you know that? Fucking unbelievable!”

  “I had to do it, India, I had to.”

  “No! You didn’t have to do anything, Michael, and you know that. You could have left things exactly as they were because everything was fine.”

  “It couldn’t go on and you know that, face up to it, India. Things couldn’t go on the way they were but you wouldn’t even talk to me on the ‘phone, how else was I supposed to get to you?”

  “Not like this! Jesus, Michael ...”

  He tried to reach out to her but she pulled her hand away. “Don’t touch me! I don’t want you touching me.”

  Another kick to the stomach. He felt like he’d been winded and getting his breath back was hard.

  “Everything I ever did was only because I loved you, India.”

  “You raped me because you loved me?”

  Jesus, she was making this hard. But was it any less than he actually deserved? He looked down at the ground again, not really wanting to look her in the eye. The memory of what he’d done still haunted him too, but whatever it took to make it up to her he would do it. Anything. He’d do anything. Because being sorry just wasn’t enough.

  “I never stopped loving you, India.”

  “You hurt me, Michael. Like you’ll never believe, you hurt me. Because of you I did things ... because of you I wasn’t myself for years, you changed me and I hated that. I hated you.”

  He looked at her, his heart breaking at the words she spoke. “Don’t say that, India, please. I can’t bear it.”

  “But it’s true, Michael. After what you did, I hated you, and what happened in London ... I couldn’t handle it at first, seeing you like that after so long. I let you get to me and I should have been stronger … I should have pushed you away. I should have …”

  “But you didn’t.”

  She looked up at him. “I wanted to pull out of this movie anyway, do you know that? Once I knew. I wanted to get away from you because my life was good again. I’d put you to the back of my mind, I’d filed you away, I’d let you go. I’d stopped you from getting inside my head and preventing me from moving on. I’d done all of that and then I see you. I see you and I let you back in and that was wrong.”

  “What made you change your mind?” he asked, noticing the way she kept looking at her wedding ring. The wedding ring she’d been given by another man. “About the movie?”

  “I’m a professional, Michael. I don’t let people down. But I want to let you know that I might have let those feelings overtake me for a while - it was the shock of seeing you again, it hit me hard - but I’m over it now. You’re back there where you belong. In the back of my mind.”

  This was hurting him far more than he’d thought possible. What had he done to her? How had he made her so cold?

  “I still love you, India.”

  “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that ... don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

  She turned away from him again, looking out of the window. JJ was talking to Ray. Another problem she had yet to deal with. How had her life got so complicated again?

  “But I do. I do still love you, and I think you still love me too, deep down inside …”

  She swung back around and stared at him, shaking her head, but she couldn’t say the words. She couldn’t say that she didn’t love him. She couldn’t do that.

  “Reece said you were a mess, after we split. He said for weeks afterwards all you did was cry, and you couldn’t sleep at night and … he said you told him you still loved me.”

  “I wasn’t myself. I was confused and hurt and scared, and I was feeling things I couldn’t explain, things I couldn’t get my head around. But that was years ago, Michael, and things change, people change, and I fell in love again. With JJ. He’s the one I love, not you. I loved you once, Christ knows I loved you so fucking much and I told the watching world that only the other night and that was true, but that was then. Don’t think for one minute that those feelings are still there because they’re not. And they never will be. They’re gone.”

  Every word was killing her because she wasn’t being honest, she was doing what she had to do in order to move forward again, that was all. He’d come back into her life and she’d suddenly come to a screeching halt and she couldn’t afford for that to happen, not again. But the feelings she still had for this man were both frightening and dangerous and it was taking every ounce of strength she had to fight them.

  He reached out to her again but she moved away from him, snatching her hand away before he’d had a chance to take it.

  “India, please ... for Ethan’s sake.”

  “No! Don’t use our son as an excuse. Don’t do that. For Ethan’s sake we’re civil to each other. For his sake we do this and we think of him because if he wasn’t here, I wouldn’t even look at you. I’ve got nothing more to say. I’ll see you on set.”

  She turned to leave, walking towards the door, but his voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

  “I know about you and Ray.”

  She turned back around and looked at him, suddenly sick to her stomach as that now all-too-familiar feeling of unease washed over her yet again.

  “I know about you and your husband’s brother. I know, India.”

  She felt as though she was in some kind of nightmare. She couldn’t believe she was hearing this. “What … what exactly do you know?”

  He looked at her. He hadn’t wanted to do this, he really hadn’t wanted to do this but she’d left him with no ch
oice. It was his last throw of the dice, it was all he had left.

  “I know about that night, India. I know you and him spent a night together that I’m absolutely positive your new husband doesn’t know about. And I’m sure you don’t want him to either. But I know what went on.”

  “Do you ever stop?” she said quietly, staring at the man she’d once worshipped. The man she didn’t recognise anymore. “How can you do this?”

  “Ray Foster and India Walsh ... if that got out ...”

  “You bastard!”

  “I wanted you both together in this movie, do you know that? It was my idea. It was me who pushed for him to star alongside you because I wanted to see how you coped, knowing the history you two have. I wanted to see how that worked.”

  “You know nothing. You may think you do, but you know nothing. What happened with me and Ray, it’s in the past. It was one night, it meant nothing.”

  “Didn’t it?” He looked at her, right at her, right into her eyes. She was scared, and part of him felt guilty for doing this to her. He’d done enough, he’d hurt her too much already but he’d gone too far now. She had to know this. She had to know what he knew. It was his only insurance.

  “It meant nothing,” she repeated.

  “But it did, didn’t it, India?”

  “It meant nothing. It was before Joe and I had even met ...”

  “So why didn’t you tell him when you got together? Why didn’t you tell him about that one night you spent with his brother? That one night that, apparently, meant nothing.”

  “Why are you doing this, Michael?”

  “Why didn’t you tell him, India?”

  “I’m not listening to this, I’ve had enough. You’re sick, Michael; you have to be to get some kind of kick out of this. What is wrong with you?”

  “Why didn’t you tell him?”

  She stared at him, unable to comprehend how this man was the father of her beautiful boy. Unable to believe she’d let him touch her again. Unable to believe she’d once loved him so much, and that he’d ever loved her too.