No Matter What

by Michelle Betham

  “You didn’t tell him because it wasn’t just that one night, was it? That wasn’t the end of it.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But her voice was shaking, her head spinning. This couldn’t be happening. If he knew…

  “I think you do, India. I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Because that night ... something happened, didn’t it? Something happened that meant it went beyond that one night.”

  She shook her head, backing away from him, trying to get to the door, to get out of there because she didn’t want to be here anymore.

  “I love Joe,” she whispered. “I love him.”

  “Oh, that’s not in question, honey, I know you do. But you obviously don’t love him enough to tell him your secret. The secret you and Ray have carried with you for nearly five years.”

  “I was confused, Michael. My head wasn’t in the right place, what me and Ray did ... what we did ... it shouldn’t have happened.”

  “But it did. Didn’t it? It did happen.”

  “What exactly do you know, Michael?” she asked, hoping beyond anything that he’d got it wrong. Hoping, but knowing he hadn’t.

  He looked at her, his heart still breaking for what was happening here because he loved her so much and he hadn’t wanted to do this. But she’d made him. She’d made him, and she had to realise that.

  “I know about the baby. Yours and Rays. I know about the baby.”

  CHAPTER 67

  Kenny was heading back from hanging out with a few of the guys from the crew when he noticed India walking around the grounds near his cottage. It was a freezing cold night, a clear night, and you could actually see the stars twinkling in the black sky but that only meant the temperatures were way down. There was a cold breeze blowing, strong enough to slightly shake the tip of the extremely large conifer that stood not far from the front gate of his temporary English home and he wondered just why she’d thought it was a good time to go walking. Any sensible person would be locked indoors by the fire.

  She had her head down, her hands shoved deep into the pockets of her coat, a black beanie hat covering her blonde hair and even from where he was standing he could see she looked sad. Something was up, but he’d already guessed that as the day’s filming had progressed. She’d been fine in front of the cameras, she always was, no matter what was going on she was the ultimate professional. But in between scenes she’d been a touch distant, quiet, only smiling when JJ had been near her. Maybe no-one else had noticed but he knew her too well now. He was the closest person to her and he could read her in a heartbeat.

  He walked up the long gravelled pathway that led up to his cottage, pulling the collar of his jacket up to protect him from the biting North East wind. She was walking towards him but she still had her head down and was obviously miles away because she didn’t see him at all until he was right beside her.

  “Are you ok?” he asked.

  She stopped walking and looked up at him. She was so tired but sleep just wasn’t an option. Not tonight. Finding out that Michael knew about her and Ray, it had been a shock, one she’d never expected, she’d just never seen that coming. How could she have done? She’d thought they’d been so careful. She’d thought nobody else had any idea and how Michael had found out she didn’t even want to think about. It made her feel sick to her stomach because she knew just what he was capable of now. It shouldn’t really have been a surprise.

  “India? Is there anything wrong?”

  “What makes you think anything’s wrong?”

  “Because it’s dark, it’s late, it’s freezing, you’re on your own looking miserable, and it isn’t really the kind of night to be out for an evening stroll.”

  She looked at him. “What’re you doing out then?”

  “I’ve just been to that little pub along the road with some of the sound and lighting guys. What a great little place! Good beer too. You’ve got some interesting real ales up here.”

  She couldn’t help laughing. “You? In a pub?”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “I know that pub, Kenny, and yeah, it’s lovely, but it’s all log fires and cosy armchairs and that’s so not you.”

  He laughed too. “I guess I’m full of surprises.”

  India pulled her scarf tighter around herself, trying to keep out the cold night air. “Yeah. I’ve had a bit of a day for those.”

  He looked at her, the expression on her face changing again. “Is everything ok with you and JJ?”

  He knew the answer to that already though. Her husband had been the only one able to put a smile on her face for most of the day.

  “Joe and I are fine. We’re more than fine. That’s not the problem.”

  “So, you admit there is a problem then?”

  She pulled her hat down farther over her ears, which were beginning to freeze as the wind started to pick up. “No flies on you is there? You got any alcohol in that cottage of yours?”

  “Got some beer in the fridge and a half decent bottle of whisky. That suit you?”

  She nodded, linking her arm through his as they walked towards his cottage. “That suits me just fine. Come on; let’s get inside before I freeze completely.”

  Once indoors Kenny got the fire going whilst India sorted the beer, sitting herself down on one of the chairs in the small but comfortable living room, which was now lit a beautiful warm orange by the glow of the fire.

  She curled her legs up underneath her and watched Kenny as he threw another log onto the fire. Would her life have been less complicated if she’d stayed with him? Would they even have lasted? Even if she’d forgiven him for what had happened with Charley all those years ago – which, looking back on it, had really been nothing – would they still have been together now? How much of her life would have been different if she’d remained Mrs Kenny Ross?

  His voice broke into her thoughts as he sat down on the sofa opposite her. “So, are you gonna tell me what’s up?”

  She pushed a hand through her hair, taking a long drink of her beer. To tell somebody else about what had happened between her and Ray wasn’t something she really wanted to do, but she had to talk to someone. And Kenny was her best, her closest friend. He could be unpredictable, he could sometimes act without thinking but he loved her and he cared about her, and she needed to talk to someone.

  “When Michael and I were going through our divorce I was in London to do some promotion work, do you remember?”

  He nodded, leaning forward, keeping his eyes on her as she spoke.

  “I was on my own; I was going through this crap divorce that was really affecting me ... I was missing Ethan ...” She looked down at her left hand, the diamond of her engagement ring catching the light and she fiddled with the wedding ring below it. “I needed someone, Kenny. Everything with Michael, it had affected me more than I’d thought it would. What he did to me ... I needed someone, and Ray ... Ray was in the same hotel bar as me ...”

  “Ray? JJ’s brother Ray?”

  She looked up and nodded.

  “You two had met before?”

  She nodded again. “We ... we slept together, Kenny. We spent one night together and we’d thought that was it. We’d thought we could just do what we did and walk away. We really thought we could do that.”

  Kenny was confused, trying to think back to that time, trying to remember things. “Does ... does JJ know?”

  “Of course he doesn’t bloody know. He thinks the first time Ray and I had ever met was when Ray came over to L.A. after Ellie’s birth.”

  “Hang on ... wasn’t Ray married back then?”

  She fiddled with her ring again, looking at the fire, the flames whipping up around the logs and paper Kenny had thrown on. They were almost mesmerising and she couldn’t take her eyes off them.

  “India? Ray ... wasn’t he married then?”

  She tore her eyes away from the flames and looked at Kenny again. “Yes. He was.”

  “And his div
orce ...?”

  “It had nothing to do with what we did. His wife had no idea. We thought nobody did.”

  “Thought? Look, I’m finding this really difficult to take in, babe.” He stood up, walking round the room, one hand in his pocket, the other holding onto his bottle of beer. India didn’t move. She stayed curled up in the corner of the sofa, watching the fire again. She felt safe here, for some reason. She felt safe snuggled into this huge, squashy chair in this wonderful, cosy room with it’s dark red walls and soft, warm carpet, the curtains drawn shut against the cold, dark night. Shutting out everything that could hurt her. She felt safe here.

  Kenny stood still, sitting down on the arm of the sofa. “So, you’re telling me that you and Ray Foster had an affair?”

  “It wasn’t an affair, Kenny.”

  “What was it then?”

  “One night. Just one night. I told you that”

  “You spent one night together, but you didn’t tell JJ? Why?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Isn’t everything.” He took a drink of beer, putting the bottle down on the table beside him. “Why though, India? Why didn’t you tell JJ when you first met him? Was it just because Ray had been married at the time? I don’t understand.”

  She shook her head. “Something happened, Kenny.” She looked at him again, her eyes meeting his. “I got pregnant. I didn’t realise until I was back in L.A., but me and you, we hadn’t been sleeping together ... there was no doubt in my mind that the baby was Ray’s.”

  Kenny was speechless. All of this had happened and he’d had no idea.

  “Pregnant?” he whispered, watching her face as an intense sadness washed over it. Her eyes were almost dead, like she was talking about this on auto pilot. “But ...”

  “I had an abortion. I got rid of it, Kenny, just like that. I got rid of it and I hate myself for doing that. I hate myself.” She suddenly burst into tears and Kenny ran over to her, holding her tight as she cried. What the hell had gone on here? Why hadn’t she talked to him? So many secrets she’d kept from him, and there’d been no need. Hadn’t he always told her he’d be there for her? Always.

  “It’s ok, come on, it’s ok,” he said quietly, stroking her hair, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. “Come on, hey, look at me, India. Look at me!”

  She wiped her eyes, trying to catch her breath, which seemed to have got caught in her throat so painful was the memory of re-living what she’d done. She kept hold of Kenny’s hand, watching as their fingers entwined.

  “Did you talk about this to anyone?”

  She shook her head, a mixture of unprecedented relief that she’d finally told someone about this mixed with panic that JJ was going to find out filled her entire body and she didn’t know what to do.

  “What about Ray? Surely you must have spoken to him?”

  She let go of his hand, getting up and going over to the sofa opposite, sitting down on it and hugging her knees to her chest.

  “I called him. I told him what had happened and what I wanted to do.”

  “And didn’t he want to talk about it?”

  “Of course he did. But what was there to talk about?”

  “A baby?”

  “Don’t judge me, Kenny. There was enough shit going on in my life back then. I couldn’t have had that baby; the complications there would have been ... my head was all over the place, I was confused ...”

  Kenny watched her, watched as her eyes filled with that pain and sadness again as she fiddled incessantly with her wedding ring.

  “Ray wanted to come over to L.A.,” India went on, not looking at Kenny as she spoke. “He wanted me to not do anything until he came over to Los Angeles, but I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want it to turn into something it wasn’t supposed to be. It was only supposed to have been a one night stand, that’s all it was ever supposed to have been. It wasn’t supposed to turn into a relationship, that was never the plan. And there was never supposed to be a baby. So I had an abortion. He accepted that that was what I was going to do and he couldn’t change my mind. In the end he realised it was probably the best thing to do. But we never really talked about it. Now I wish we had.”

  “Jesus, India ... you went through all that alone?”

  She looked up at him. “Dr Goldman looked after me. He made sure nothing got out; he made sure it was all kept under wraps and that I was fine. But the pain never goes away, Kenny. It never goes away, and not a day has gone by when I don’t remember what I did and wonder ... and wonder what if ...”

  Silent tears started to fall down her face again as she looked down at her wedding ring.

  “India, you said you “thought” nobody else had known. What do you mean by that? Does somebody else know?”

  She nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Michael.”

  Kenny couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Michael? How the fuck ...?”

  “I don’t know, Kenny. I have no idea, but you know as well as I do that he’s capable of anything.”

  “Did he tell you he knew?”

  She nodded again, searching round in her pocket for a handkerchief to blow her nose on. “I went to see him yesterday morning, before filming began. To cut a long story short he’s harbouring some idea that we can get back together and when he realised that’s not going to happen, he hits me with that piece of news. That he knows about me and Ray, and that he’s sure I don’t want Joe to know about it. Well, he got that right.”

  “The bastard ...”

  “What am I supposed to do, Kenny? I don’t even know what he wants from me.”

  “He doesn’t want anything from you, India. He just wants you.”

  She blew her nose hard, wiping her eyes again. She was well aware what Michael wanted. And she’d let him have it.

  “There’s something else, Kenny.”

  She had a look on her face that he recognised only too well, and it didn’t make him feel comfortable.

  “What?”

  “Michael.”

  “What about him?” He could feel his stomach turning over before she’d even replied, and he watched as she started fiddling with the leather bands on her wrist.

  “In London, the night of the interview, the night I saw him again after all that time …” She looked back up at him. “It shouldn’t have happened, Kenny, I swear I never meant it to happen, but, he’s under my skin, you know …”

  “No, I don’t know. What did you do, India?”

  “I should have gone straight back to JJ.”

  “India, what did you do?” His voice was raised, but only because she was scaring him.

  She looked at him again. “I slept with him, Kenny.”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ ...” He got up, pacing the floor, pushing a hand through his hair. “What the fuck made you do that? After everything he’s done … did he make you?”

  “No he didn’t fucking make me, Kenny. It just happened.”

  He stopped and stared at her. “It just happened. How? How did it just happen, huh? Was there some invisible force that just pushed the two of you together and there wasn’t a thing either of you could do about it? Don’t talk shit, India! What the hell made you do that?”

  She looked down at her hands, feeling sick with the stress of it all, every conflicting emotion she was experiencing fighting each other inside her head. When she spoke her voice was quiet. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know … he fucking raped you India!”

  “I wanted it, Kenny. This time. I wanted him.”

  “He raped you. Have you forgotten that?”

  She just looked at him. “What do you want me to do, Kenny? Have you seen the mess I’m in here?”

  “Will that be the mess you’ve just made Christ knows how much worse by fucking your ex-husband?”

  “Don’t, Kenny.”

  He sat down next to her. “You are unbelievable … you let him go there again and then he does this to you, have you not seen
the kind of man he is, India? Do you not get that yet?”

  “I never wanted this to happen …”

  “Then you should have been stronger, honey. You should have walked away from him.”

  She knew that. She knew all of that. She didn’t need the lecture.

  She lay her head against the back of the sofa and closed her eyes for a second, trying to stop more tears from falling. “I really loved him once, you know? I loved him so much, yet, when I looked at him yesterday ... I looked at him and he wasn’t the same man, Kenny. I fell in love with a different Michael.”

  Kenny got up, going over to the table in the corner, pouring out two glasses of whisky. “Did you?”

  She looked up at him. “What do you mean?”

  “You didn’t fall in love with a different Michael. He’s the same man, India. You just couldn’t see it.”

  A sudden wave of tiredness washed over her. She felt drained. Talking to Kenny had taken every ounce of energy she’d had left but there was someone else she needed to talk to. She had to do it while she had the strength and the will. She had to tell Ray that Michael knew. She had to tell him JJ couldn’t find out, not now, not ever. She had to talk to him.

  “I need to talk to Ray,” she whispered, looking at the fire again.

  Kenny came over to her, sitting beside her, taking her hand and she turned to face him.

  “It’s all going wrong, Kenny, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I really don’t. But I can deal with Michael. I can.”

  “Can you? You’ve let him back in, India, and that’s probably the most dangerous thing you could have done.”

  She looked down at their joined hands. She really needed to sleep, but she had to talk to Ray. Before any of this mess got any worse.

  “I need to talk to Ray.”

  Kenny sighed, sensing she’d had enough of him for one night. The conversation was over, but it was nowhere near finished.

  “Do you want me to call him? Get him to come over? I can go and bother Bobby, I’m sure he won’t mind.”