"I can't believe all this time you were behind the rumors. All the shit that was said about me, and everyone else, came from you. And you played it off like you heard it from someone else. Like you weren't the source. Lying to me for years. What else did you lie about, Ally? Huh? Were you actually married? Did he actually die? Or did he leave you for being manipulative and deceitful? What's the real truth?"
Megan didn't give me a chance to answer any of her questions. She continued to rattle on about how horrible of a person I am. How awful a friend I've been to everyone. How she couldn't believe I'd say such things about people I supposedly cared about. People who cared about me.
When she finally collapsed into the chair next to my bed, I looked over and reached out my hand. She willingly took it.
"I'm sorry, Megan. I really am. For everything. It started before I became friends with any of you, and it got out of control. It was the only way I knew to keep my past a secret. If I pointed the finger at everyone else, no one would look in my direction. It doesn't excuse my behavior, but it's the truth. And I'll always be sorry for the pain I've caused the people I love most."
"I get it. I know what losing Kevin did to you, and you're not the same person you were back then. Not even close."
"Does everyone else know?"
"About the rumors?" she questioned, giving my hand a light squeeze.
That was a yes. I was sure they all have something they want to say to me. An opinion on the subject. Hell, it was probably all the rumor mill was talking about.
Me.
The source. The accident.
The one thing I'd been trying to avoid all these years, being at the center of office gossip, was exactly where I'd landed myself. Because of what I'd done and no one else.
"No, about Kevin."
"It wasn't my place to tell them. It didn't even cross my mind."
At least there's that. A piece I can keep just for me and whomever else I choose to tell. For now, anyway.
"I need to tell them. I need to explain." Pausing, I looked to Megan for support, even though I didn't expect to find it. Surprisingly, she forced a smile on her face and released my hand.
Pausing as she opened the doors, she turned and asked "Everyone at once or one at a time?"
"Everyone at once," I replied, my voice cracking at the thought of dozens of eyes on me all at once while I share my darkest secret.
Megan nodded and disappeared, the door softly closing behind her.
Moments later, it opens, and Zane walks in, looking freshly showered. The smell of greasy french fries permeates the room.
He left just in time to avoid the screaming. I think he needed fresh air. He hasn't left the hospital much since he arrived. Knowing that my friends were here, that there were people to keep an eye on me while he was gone, gave him his reprieve for an hour or so.
Plus, he promised to bring me food.
"Where'd everyone go?" he asks as he helps me into a sitting position. My body is still sore from the accident, and it hurts to move.
"Megan's grabbing them right now."
"What happened?" he asks, pulling the grease-stained bag away when I reach for it without answering.
"I may have treated my friends like crap, and they all found out right before the accident. Megan gave me a piece of her mind, and now I need to apologize to everyone. They should all be here in a few minutes."
"You may have? What did you do? Everyone seemed to be getting along fine when I left town last."
There were plenty of times I could have come clean with Zane about being the source behind all the rumors. Yet I didn't. Probably because I never wanted anyone to know. Brianna promised not to tell anyone as long as I stopped talking shit about people. And I have. I never plan to do it again.
Why confess to my sins if they're only going to cause more anger and pain?
"I did," I say, lowering my head in embarrassment. "There used to be a lot of rumors that spread through the office. Rumors that hurt people. I was the one behind them. Not because I wanted to hurt people but because I wanted to hide my past from everyone."
Zane's silent. He's either really angry or disappointed in me. I can't tell because I refuse to look in his direction. I'm afraid of what I might see in his eyes. Of the expression on his face.
I can handle the girls being mad at me. I can even handle getting fired for spreading rumors around the office. What I won't survive is losing him, and depending on how he reacts, there's a chance I might.
That scares me more than anything.
Sucking in a deep breath and holding it, I let it out slowly as I turn to face him. What I find surprises me more than anything else he's ever done.
He's leaning back in his chair, shoving fries in his mouth, smiling at me. It's not a sweet smile either. It's sinister and knowing.
"Say something," I demand when he takes a huge bite of his cheeseburger.
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Anything. You can't just sit there and smile at me like you already knew everything I just told you. There's no way."
"Baby, I have ways of finding everything out. I'm very perceptive, you know."
My eyes never leave his as I look for any signs that he's going to run. That's he pretending not to be mad at me.
That's when it hits me.
"Brianna called you," I state.
"Brianna called me," he echoes.
"When?"
"The night she found out you and I were a thing. She wanted me to know what I was getting myself into I guess. It was a warning, that much was clear, but whatever shortcoming you might have, they don't compare to the person you are when you're with me."
For all the terrible shit I've done in my life, I don't deserve this man. I should have to be with someone who treats people the way I have. I should have to feel that kind of pain. Zane's too good to be true.
Or maybe Kevin's death was payment in advance.
Before I can ask about their conversation, because I want to know exactly what she said to him, there's a knock on the door. My nurse pops her head in. She doesn't stay long, taking my chart with her this time when she goes. She left it sitting on the end of my bed when Megan started yelling and she retreated out of the room with everyone else.
As soon as she opens the door to leave, Megan and the rest of our friends start filling the room. As expected, all eyes are on me, but before I can even open my mouth to speak, Megan makes an announcement.
"Allison has something to tell you. Let her say everything she needs, and then if you want to yell at her, the floor is yours." Thanks, friend. Nothing like ten on one. "Ally."
Okay, my turn.
"First off, guys, I'm really sorry. Not just for the things I've said and done, but for the hell I've put some of you through. There's no excuse for the way I've treated any of you, and I completely understand if you never want to speak to me again. But before you make that decision, I'd really like to tell you how the whole mess started and why."
No one says anything, so I take that as my sign to continue.
"When I first moved here, I was running away from a lot of things. Things I didn't want to deal with. I didn't have a plan beyond finding a job and a place to live. Once Herman hired me, I started to get nervous about what I wanted to tell people about myself. I didn't want anyone to know about my past. Not because I'm ashamed of it but because it hurt so much to think about it and I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about it without bursting into tears.
"So the first time someone asked me about myself, I made up a story. Then I forgot what I said, so I had to make up another one. Three stories later, I decided the best way to avoid talking about myself was to talk about other people. If I pointed the finger in a different direction, we'd still have something to talk about, but it wouldn't be me.
"I know my logic is stupid, but it worked. And it kept working for years. After a while, talking about other people turned into making up things about other people to talk ab
out. Things escalated from there, and you know the rest. I've done and said some horrible things to each of you, and I'll regret it forever. I really am sorry for all the pain and trouble I've caused."
It's Hunter who raises his hand first. I want to laugh, we're not in kindergarten, after all, but I don't. My actions were childish, so I'm not surprised we're back to basics.
When I nod in his direction, he asks the question I was expecting.
"What were you running from?"
Everyone's eyes flick from mine to Hunter's and back to mine. They're waiting for me to answer him, and I can't bring myself to say the words out loud even though I know I have to. Once I say it, though, once it's out there, I can't take it back. It'll become a fact, and my past will no longer be a secret.
Kevin won't be a secret.
His death will be real, and as much as I know I need to accept that, and as much as I want to, I also know I'm going to break down.
"I was married before I moved here," I start, causing the girls to gasp in unison. "And my husband died."
Chapter Seventeen
He died.
I said it out loud.
In front of everyone.
If it wasn't real before, it is now. Very, very real. Just like the ache inside my chest. The same ache that assaults me every time I think about Kevin, about what happened. It's crippling.
So when Zane takes my hand, I flinch. Not because I don't want his support but because I don't deserve it. This is different than when I told him. Easier but harder. I need to stay strong.
Judgment day is here.
All my lies are on the table, and I'll be punished for my sins.
"I'm so sorry, Allison. I had no idea," Hunter says, taking a step toward my bed but stopping short when our eyes meet.
This is what I didn't want. What I was trying to avoid. The look of pity. The apologies that mean nothing because they can't bring him back. They can't change what happened.
"I never told anyone because I knew you'd all look at me the way you're looking at me right now. The way everyone back home looked at me after it happened. It doesn't help; it hurts. It brings it all back and makes it real again. The pain, the shock, all of it. I left there because I was tired of the stares and the whispers and being called a widow behind my back. I couldn't move on. So when I came here, the thought of telling even one person about what happened... I couldn't do it.
"So I kept it to myself, and whenever I started to get close with someone and they started asking questions, I'd find something else to talk about. Someone else. It was the only way I could cope because if the spotlight was on me, I was going to break down."
"But," Justine hesitates. "You could have told me. I would have helped you."
"I love you, but there's nothing anyone can do to help me. I don't even know how to help myself yet. I've been avoiding dealing with it for so long now that I'm not even sure where to start."
"Telling us was a good place." Emerson takes a seat on the end of the bed and looks at me with tears in her eyes. "We're not here to judge you, Ally. We just want to help in any way we can. And if this is something you don't want anyone else to know, it'll never leave this room."
"Why?"
I can't help but be shocked at everyone's response. Their angry faces morphed into sadness when I told them about Kevin. My husband’s death shouldn't get me off the hook for everything I've done.
"Why what?" she counters.
"Why is everyone forgiving me? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the kind words or help. I was awful to each of you. I said terrible things."
"Oh, I'm not forgiving you just yet," Angela says, stepping out of Tyler's embrace. "I want to, not because you lost your husband but because I know you're a good person. It's going to take some time, though. And you're going to have to prove to me that you're done spreading shit about everyone."
"I swear. I haven't uttered a word about anyone since Brianna called me out a few weeks ago."
I cringe when I realize what I just did. Everyone’s heads whip in Brianna's direction, but she doesn't flinch.
"What? It wasn't my place to say anything, and she kept her word. I haven't heard anything," she defends her actions, but there's a smile on her face and it's directed at me.
"You don't even work there. How would you know?" Emerson asks.
"I have my sources. Have there been any rumors lately?"
Emerson looks away quickly, her eyes meeting Justine's for a moment before she mumbles something under her breath.
"Just tell them," I say, knowing that the rumor mill had been talking about me before my accident.
"Are you sure? We never confirmed if it was true, and I don't want to spread lies."
"Go for it. True or not, people are talking about me." I'm not positive where the rumor started, but I have an idea.
"The last thing I heard was about you and Zane. That you were using each other, but it contradicts everything I've seen, so I never really felt it had any merit."
"Oh, I'm using her," I hear Zane say from next to me. "But not in the way people think. I use her in the shower, in the bed, on the kitchen counter—"
He would have gone on and on if I hadn't smacked him in the arm.
"What?" He feigns innocence, but the glimmer in his eyes gives him away. "Too much information?"
"Something like that," Ryder groans.
"Oh, like you wouldn't have said the same thing about Em," I retort.
"I've said it about Ang before. How do you think she got knocked up so quickly," Tyler jokes, causing Angela to swat at her husband.
"Just because you can't keep your hands to yourself doesn't mean people need to hear about it," she says, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head down to her so she can kiss him.
Everyone pokes fun at Tyler for a few minutes before the nurse comes in and kicks them all out. There's a limit on how many people can be in the room at once, and we exceeded it by about ten people. With promises to come back and visit later, everyone leaves, and it's just Megan, Zane, and me left.
"They didn't ask," I say, my eyes still glued to the door.
"Ask what?" Megan inquires, taking Emerson's vacant seat at the end of my bed.
"How it happened. What his name was. Anything. They didn't ask anything about it."
"I told them not to. I told them that you wanted to apologize and explain but that they weren't allowed to ask any questions. Not today. They were to listen and that was it."
"Thanks," Zane answers for me, squeezing my hand. "She needs to focus on getting better and getting out of here. Everything else can wait."
The room falls silent, and Megan takes that as her cue to leave. Once she's gone, Zane crawls in bed with me, and I fall asleep wrapped in his arms.
Sleeping in my own bed is all I can think about as Zane pulls away from the hospital. I was finally cleared to leave this morning, three days after waking up. If the doctor had his way, I would be there a few more nights. Just in case.
In case what?
All my scans came back clear. I'm able to walk without assistance. I answered all their questions without hesitation. I'm perfectly fine.
Plus, I'm not going home alone. Zane will be here for a few more days.
"When are you leaving again?" I ask as he pulls into my parking lot.
"I have to go back on Sunday. Why?" There's a note of concern in his voice. He's already said multiple times that he wants someone to come stay with me after he leaves, but I'd rather be alone.
"No reason. I was just wondering."
Zane flew in the night of the accident. Hunter called him, freaked him out. He's already been here for ten days. I'm not sure who's running his office, but I know he needs to get back to work. Back to his life.
"Well, I'd still like you to either go stay with Justine or see if she can come stay with you. At least for a few days. I'll be back on Thursday night."
Before I can protest, he opens his door and gets out.
The last thing I want to do is fight with him. He's done so much for me, and I want to spend the next few days showing him how much I appreciate him, not arguing about something stupid.
As soon as Zane closes the door behind us, shutting out the outside world and all the drama of the last few weeks, I drop onto the couch and pull a blanket over me. Staring at the blank television, willing it to turn itself on, I listen as Zane starts telling me about an overbearing client while he begins fixing us dinner. The soothing sound of his voice lulls me to sleep.
When he wakes me for dinner, it feels like I just closed my eyes. I didn't dream for the first time since waking up from the accident. Every time I've closed my eyes, nightmares have bombarded me. Everything from the moment I outed myself to Emerson and Justine to the night Kevin died.
The one thing I don't really dream about is the accident. That's probably a good thing since it was a pretty gruesome scene from the way it was described to me, and I'm fairly certain Megan wasn't telling me the worst of it. There was hesitation in her voice when I asked the first time. Even more so when I wanted details.
"You want help sitting up?"
Zane's voice cuts through my thoughts. He's standing in front of me with a plate in each hand. The same look of concern that's been permanently plastered on his face the last few days is back again. It took a momentary vacation when the doctors cleared me to leave.
"I'm good," I say, clearing my throat as I push myself into a sitting position before reaching for the plate. He hands it to me before taking a seat next to me. "Thanks for dinner."
Actually, next to me is a stretch. He's practically sitting on my leg. I've noticed he's found ways to touch me or be close to me a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I love being around him. I'm just worried that something else is going on. Something he's not telling me.
And I'm afraid to ask.
Is there a right time to point out how strange he's acting? Probably not.
"What's on your mind?" Zane asks.
"Nothing, why?" I quickly reply, shoving a bite of chicken in my mouth.
"Well, that's the first bite you've taken. You've been pushing your food around with your fork and staring at the TV that I still can't find the remote for. It's obvious there's something going on up there. Care to share?"
Rumors: Allison & Zane Page 11