Defensive Heart: The Donnolleys, Book 2

by Dorothy F. Shaw

  Jimmy sparked the torch on the welder, flipped his mask down and fused two pieces of metal together. Restless energy bounced through him and ping-ponged around his entire body, making it almost impossible to sit still. He had a serious case of Sonja-on-the-brain, making for a long night with very little sleep. He could’ve called Andy, probably should’ve, but he really didn’t want to have to tell her, again, how Sonja had pushed him away. Calling his brother Ryan had been an option too, still was—but instead he was downstairs in his studio using his energy to create.

  He had no clue what he was making, but it didn’t matter. The action helped to distract his mind. Sort of. The idea Sonja hadn’t wanted him around while her ex was in town had hurt. Worse was knowing the guy stayed in her house. That just plain pissed him right the fuck off. There were too many reasons why she’d let him, and none of them good. Sonja never had a nice thing to say about the guy. As far as Jimmy knew, she couldn’t stand Thomas.

  Unless…

  Jimmy cringed. He didn’t want to think she was sleeping with him. But the level of disdain in her voice every time her ex came up could indicate residual feelings or passion. And wouldn’t that just be a motherfucker? The first time he opened his heart after having it crushed almost ten years ago, and it got crushed again. In the same way.

  With a grunt, Jimmy took a step back and observed the start of…whatever the hell this was. Grabbing another strip of sheet metal, he hit one end with the torch, attached it and bent it upward. Then welded another. Godsmack’s “Whatever” blared in the background, fueling his aggressive and agitated mood. Which was exactly what he needed. Staying pissed off was easier than wallowing in the heartache.

  She’d texted him several times. He hadn’t responded, too hurt and pissed off to bother. If he had replied, he wouldn’t have been nice. In any way. It was better to leave it alone.

  Leave her alone too.

  A dull ache bloomed in his chest and Jimmy rubbed his sternum. He couldn’t fathom not having her in his life, but what choice had she left him? None. He wasn’t an all-or-nothing type of person, yet that was exactly the line he’d drawn in the sand with her. And she’d made her decision, refusing to give in and let him stay by her side. Either that or she’d been passing time with him until “Daddy” got home. Ugh. No. Don’t go there. Jimmy grabbed another strip and welded it to the frame of the others.

  As he continued working, his mind tripped and stumbled on its journey through the Land of Sonja. God, the woman made him insane. But she had from the very beginning, hadn’t she? Shaking his head, he added another strip, and stopped mid-weld when the next song came up on shuffle. Jason DeVore’s “Wait” rang out around him. Jimmy flipped up his welding helmet and glared at the speaker dock. So much for hard work and hard music keeping his mind occupied. “How in the hell did this song get on this play list?”

  Stepping back from his creation, he set the welding wand down and placed his hands on his hips. The words to the song cut through his anger and pierced his heart with a strum of an acoustic guitar. He loved her. She’d become his everything. And he’d walked out on her. Jimmy ran a hand through his hair. When he looked up, he realized he’d been sculpting the figure of a woman. “Goddammit!”

  Specifically, his woman.

  “Brilliant. I am so fucked.” Flipping the welder off, he wiped his hands on a rag, shut off the music and went upstairs to shower. He knew he should call Ryan, run this whole mess past him. But, he wasn’t sure if he could. Telling the story and giving life to the words would somehow make his actions permanent. Which was stupid. Maybe after he showered, he’d call. Maybe.

  When Jimmy finished cleaning up, he gathered up his laundry, tossed it in the wash and then forced a sandwich down his throat. He landed on the couch with a beer in his hand and stared at his cell phone. A new favorite pastime, apparently.

  He’d listened to her voicemails about ten times, and re-read her text messages at least that many times, probably more. He still hadn’t responded, but desperation was beginning to win out, for sure. Instead he pulled up his brother’s contact info and pressed “Call”.

  “Hellooooo, dearest Jimmy,” Maiya said.

  Jimmy smiled. “How’s my favorite redhead?”

  “Oh, you know, the usual. Work, Jacob, your brother. Speaking of him, he told me you got yourself a girl. Deets, please.”

  Jimmy groaned and then slouched down on the sofa, resting his feet on the coffee table. “He did, did he? Typical.”

  “You know he hates being called typical, but yep, he sure did. He said it’s the woman you met when we were all in Vegas together. The lawyer, right? Sooooo…fill me in. I’m dying to hear all about her.”

  “Yeah, Sonja, but it doesn’t matter now, because I think we broke up.”

  “That’s right; couldn’t think of her name…wait, you think you broke up? That’s like saying someone’s almost pregnant. There’s not really an in between there, my darling.” Maiya snorted. “What happened?”

  Jimmy blew out a breath. “It’s complicated.” He heard the sound of a lighter through the line. “You still smoking?”

  “Yes. And don’t try to change the subject. I got a fresh coffee in hand and I’m on the back deck, chilling. Talk to me.”

  “I don’t know, Maiya. I don’t know what else to do. She makes me fucking crazy, you know?”

  “Yep, sadly I do know.”

  Jimmy ran through the whole story, giving Maiya the blow-by-blow of the past few days with Sonja and all that’d happened with Casey, which led right into the issue with Thomas. Maiya was easy to talk to—always had been. Now was no different, and once he started talking he couldn’t stop. “She told me I had to stay away while her ex was in town. Can you believe that shit?”

  “Whoa…she what?”

  “You heard me. It’s fucked up.”

  “Why should you have to stay away because her ex is in town?”

  “Good question. She gave me some bullshit line about not wanting to deal with a testosterone war. Oh, and I guess when he’s in town he stays at her house.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “Yup.”

  “That’s not cool, Jimmy. What’d you say?”

  “I basically told her I was done. That she either wanted me by her side or she didn’t, and I was tired of having to work so hard to be there. I walked out of the hospital last night and left her there.”

  “Did she try and stop you?”

  “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not supposed to be this hard, Maiya. And I won’t be second to him. I can be second to her daughter, that’s to be expected, but I will not fucking be second to him. End of story.”

  “I get it, sweetheart, I really do, but…”

  “But what?”

  “It sounds like she’s got some shit—kinda like I did—that she needs to work through.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe she’d rather work that shit out with her ex. Doesn’t matter. I’m done. He’s there and I’m not. For all I know she’s still fucking him.”

  Maiya gasped. “You don’t think she’s really—”

  “How the hell do I know? Seriously, what would you think?”

  “I can’t even, so let’s not go there. And you shouldn’t either. He probably just stays there because of their daughter.” He heard the flick of the lighter again. “But…”

  “But, what, Maiya?”

  “You love her, that’s what.”

  Jimmy was quiet for a long time. Per usual, in her way, Maiya had called it dead on. He didn’t even need to say the words out loud to her, she just knew. Dammit. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Oh, yeah it does.” He heard her exhale. “Jimmy, you love her, and from what I know about you, you haven’t loved anyone in a really long time.”

  “So what.”

  “So what? Ugh, really? Look, can I ask yo
u something?”

  His beer now empty, Jimmy migrated to the kitchen to grab another. “Sure.”

  “Promise to answer honestly, yeah?”

  He dropped the bottle in the recycle bin and pulled a fresh one from the fridge. “Sure.”

  “Is she the one?”

  “The one, what?”

  “Don’t play dumb. Is she theeee one?”

  Jimmy leaned against the kitchen counter, cold beer in hand, and let the question sink in. “I don’t know,” he lied.

  “James Michael Donnelly, that wasn’t honest.”

  “It was. I don’t know. Shit… When we’re together there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. She’s my everything, Maiya. But then she puts up that strong arm of hers and I think, how could she be, you know?”

  Maiya sighed. “Yep, I know, sweetie. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? When all is said and done, and it’s quiet, she’s where you want to be. No matter how much of a pain in the ass she is, she is where you want to be.”

  Staring at the floor tile, Jimmy’s heart rose into his throat. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

  “Then go get her, honey. Fuck the bullshit with her ex. Put away your pride and go get your lawyer.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Jimmy, don’t think too long. Life’s just too damn short to miss out on what makes us truly happy.”

  Maiya was right, but how the hell was he supposed to deal with the Thomas issue, especially when Sonja made it clear Jimmy wasn’t welcome? “Thanks, Maiya. This is exactly why my brother loves you so much.”

  “Anytime. But don’t forget, I put him through hell too. And I think he’d tell you it was worth it. At least I hope he would.” Maiya laughed.

  “Yeah, he would. Tell him I called, okay?”

  “Of course. Night, sweetie.”

  “Night.” Jimmy disconnected the call and made his way back to the couch.

  After the talk with Maiya, he was tempted to call Sonja, but maybe he needed to give her the night to handle her business. Or maybe he needed the night to decide if he could really deal with the constant struggle it was to stay with her, never mind the shit with her ex—that was a whole other barrel of bullshit. He needed to know if she wanted him. Really wanted him, because Jimmy didn’t share.

  He and Sonja were so different. Almost too different, and yet, when he was with her, none of that mattered. All their differences melted away. Every step of this thing with her had been a struggle. Even the first night he met her. She’d been a huge bitch until he plied her with a little booze and got her to loosen up. That’s when he knew…

  He knew she was the one. She was his one.

  Sonja sat on the edge of the tub while it filled with hot water. The afternoon and evening with her ex and daughter had been grueling. She’d gone round for round with Thomas and they still hadn’t reached a resolution regarding Casey. Their daughter needed to be grounded for several weeks, or at least until school let out. Thomas didn’t agree. Big surprise. There was also the matter of Casey thinking she should be able to skip the remainder of the school year, all because she had a bulky boot on her leg. No way that was happening.

  Pouring some lavender-scented bath salts into the tub, she swirled her hand in the water. She hadn’t heard from James, and as much as she hated to admit it, it was freaking driving her up a wall. He was right not wanting to wait around in the background for her to deal with all her life drama. That’s exactly what she’d done too—asked him to wait. James shouldn’t have to wait for anyone. This was precisely the reason why she’d tried so hard to keep him at a distance. But honestly, why would he, or anyone else for that matter, want to deal with her mess?

  James was young, successful and good-looking—young being the most critical point of those three attributes. Someone like him sure as hell didn’t need to be with an older woman. Especially one who had a busy career taking up half her time, a troubled teen who monopolized the other half of her time, and an ex-husband who wouldn’t go away and stay gone.

  Wiping the tears on constant flow for the last few days from her cheeks, Sonja removed her robe, stepped into the tub and stretched out. Lana Del Rey’s “Burning Desire” played on low volume, filling her head with dreamy visions of the man she needed to not be thinking of at the moment, or at all for that matter.

  Lord she’d had the worst luck with men in her life. From her father to Thomas, and now James. Talk about daddy issues. Her father had been dead for four years yet still controlled her from the grave. Thomas was still very alive and continued to try to control her—though she supposed much of that was her own fault. Thinking about it, her issues with her father were her own doing too.

  Letting out a groan, Sonja wrung out the washcloth floating in the water and covered her face with it. How mortifying to realize she had enough baggage to fill a cargo plane. What in the hell did James see in her? He was the only man she’d ever had in her life who didn’t try to control her. But instead of moving heaven and hell to be with him, she fought him every step of the way.

  What made her think that made her independent? Sadness spread through Sonja like hot lava, and her tears came rushing back. In the end, she’d only screwed up in a monumental, irreparable way.

  Sitting up, she wrapped her arms around her legs. She had no clue how to deal with Thomas. She had no idea how to fix things between her and James. And more importantly, she had no idea how to save Casey from herself. “What a damn mess.”

  After finishing up in the bathroom, she pulled on a nightshirt, wandered out to her bedroom, and stopped short. Thomas was in her bed. Sonja leaned against the doorway, closed her eyes and blew out a weary breath. Whatever made him think this was still okay? In fact, how had he ever thought this was okay? Sonja went cold inside with anger. It filled her veins and poured through her bloodstream like ice water. “Thomas. Get out of my bed.” When he didn’t reply, she tried again. “Thomas! I want you out of my bed.”

  He glanced over his shoulder at her. “Don’t be foolish. Just come to bed.”

  “Foolish?” She stormed forward. “You think I’m foolish because I don’t want my ex-husband sleeping in my bed?”

  “Yes, I happen to think you’re foolish.” He patted her side of the mattress, a smug look on his face. “Now compose yourself and come to bed.”

  No more. Bastard! Never again. Sonja was done. Something snapped inside, and a dead calm came over her like a warm blanket. Without saying another word, she lifted her pillow off the bed and clutched it to her chest and started for the door.

  “Sonja, where are you going?”

  She opened the bedroom door and looked back at him. “I’m going to sleep in the guest room. Enjoy the bed, Thomas, because tonight is the last time you will ever sleep in it.” Turning away, she walked out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

  Tomorrow she’d put an end to all of this crap with Thomas—she might even burn the sheets. Tomorrow she’d deal with Casey too. She planned to look into some private schools for next year, and definitely a private Jewish camp where she could send her for the summer. Getting her daughter away from the City for a while would probably do her a world of good.

  She was at a loss for how to deal with James yet. Or even if she should bother. She’d done fine without a man in her life after divorcing Thomas; there was no reason why she wouldn’t be fine now. James had been a wonderful and amazing distraction. But now it was over, and she’d move on.

  That’s what people did who took a chance and dated. When things didn’t work out, they simply went their separate ways. Sonja pulled the blankets back on the guest bed and crawled in. But he’d also been a necessary growing experience. Exactly what Sonja had needed to catapult her into taking charge of her life again. Except this time, really take charge and do what was necessary instead of what was easier.

  The idea of ne
ver seeing James again sent a boulder-sized lump into her throat. She’d never kiss him again. Never touch him again. Never fight with him either. An ache settled in her chest and she stared up at the ceiling. “Oh God.” Sonja rubbed her breastbone as the waterworks came on full force. “Oh God!”

  Sitting up, she buried her face in her hands and wept. There was no way she could let James go, never touch him or fight with him again. There was just no way.

  She couldn’t do it.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Jimmy worked on the metal sculpture he’d started the day before. He had no idea what he was going to do with the damn thing when it was done, especially since it was a metal formation of Sonja, but what the hell? Maybe he’d stick it up in his bedroom for a little self-torture. Or not.

  After attaching a few more strips of sheet metal, he removed his welding mask and took a step back. Satisfaction, mixed with a healthy dose of sadness, sliced through him. Nothing like a little, or in this case, a lot of heartache to mine and use for creation. Raw emotion made for the greatest pieces.

  Jimmy glanced at his phone, checking the time. It was almost four p.m. and he hadn’t heard anything more from Sonja. Maybe she’d given up. Then again, he hadn’t responded to any of her texts or voicemails, so he couldn’t really blame her if she had.

  Shutting down the welding machine, Jimmy headed for the shower. Sonja might’ve gone to work today and, considering the situation, she’d probably be home soon. Call him crazy, but he’d decided in the morning when he woke up, he was going to head over to her place. It was likely the stupidest idea he’d had yet, but with Sonja, if he didn’t confront the problem head-on, they’d never get past it.

  Finishing up in the bathroom, he got dressed and walked out the door. Jimmy didn’t know if Thomas was still in town, and he didn’t care. If he was, the guy could fuck off and go get a hotel room.

  It was past five by the time Jimmy knocked on Sonja’s door. When it opened, the infamous ex-husband stood on the other side. With his white dress shirt—long sleeves cuffed up his forearms—he was a regular GQ guy. All he needed was a sweater draped over his shoulders and a set of golf clubs by his side. Jimmy pasted a blasé smile on his face. “You must be Thomas.”