I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  Turning her head, she snuck a peek at Declan. He was leaning forward totally engrossed in the movie. There was this expression of envy on his face. She wondered why he’d given up acting. She hadn’t had a lot of time to read his file, but she remembered he’d been an emancipated minor. Family troubles. She’d have to spend some time with the files. If she knew him better, she’d be able to protect him better and then they’d get the stalker and she could get out of their lives before they had any idea who she was. Not that people would find out about her sperm donor, that would require a high security clearance.

  * * *

  WHEN THE LIMO pulled up to the house she knew she had about ten feet of sidewalk and then she could get out of these shoes and breathe a sigh of relief.

  “I’ve been dying to ask you something all night.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes?”

  “What is that strapped to your leg?”

  Well that shouldn’t surprise her the man had his hand up her dress all night. “I have several things.”

  “I felt the gun, but I couldn’t figure out what the other stuff was.”

  “As many times as you had your hand up my dress?”

  “We’re supposed to look like we’re getting it on and I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

  “That wasn’t my judgmental tone.”

  His blue eyes widened. “Really?”

  “You’ll know.”

  “So what is it?”

  She pointed to the house. “I’ll show you when we get into the house.”

  “I’m really excited.”

  “You’re panting because you haven’t gotten laid lately.”

  “There is that.”

  He took her hand as they strolled into the house. Thankfully no one but a couple of the bodyguards, Twist and Duck were in the house. They nodded to her as she and Declan went upstairs. Upstairs Declan opened his bedroom door. The first thing she saw was a roll away bed near the window. “You got me a bed.”

  “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  That was really sweet of him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He pointed to her dress. “Now lift up your dress.”

  And he ruined it. “Do you always make everything sound dirty.”

  “Only with you.”

  She could play his game. She walked to the bed and put her high heeled foot on the mattress. Slowly she lifted her hem to reveal a strap on her leg out of one pocket she pulled out her Berretta and laid it on the bed. Then she took her knife and tossed it on the bed. She lowered her skirt and placed her foot on the hardwood floor, then she lifted her other leg and pulled up the hem. She never took her eyes of his face and was flattered by the appreciation in his eyes. No wonder women fell into his bed. He had this way of looking at you that made you feel like the center of the universe. She slid the last item out of its pocket and tossed it on the bed.

  “What is that?”

  “A combat spike.”

  “What do you use it for?”

  She let the slim pointy metal stick roll in her palm. This was one of her favorite weapons and it had never failed her. “Close quarter fighting.”

  “Hand to hand?”

  “Yep.”

  “Ever use it?”

  “Yes.”

  “What else you got under there?”

  Interesting he didn’t ask the question. “You didn’t ask.”

  “What?”

  “If I’ve killed anyone.”

  He shrugged. “Was I supposed to?”

  “Most people do.”

  “If you want to talk about it I’ll listen.”

  That surprised her. That was definitely him giving her space. This one was a wildcard. She’d have to think about that. She took her retractable baton out and snapped her wrist revealing the long slender rod.

  “There is an arsenal under your dress.”

  “No one is getting to you on my watch.”

  “Promise?”

  “I do.”

  He smiled reminding her of a little boy. “You make me feel safe.”

  Why did she think he didn’t mean only physically. “Don’t you have to get some sleep?”

  “I might get a couple of hours.”

  “I’ll watch over you.”

  “I have enough trouble sleeping without someone watching.”

  “I think you like people watching you.”

  “On my terms.”

  “Actually I will have myself a little combat nap if that will make you feel better. Five a.m. comes early.”

  “That’s only four hours away.”

  “I’m up that early every morning. I like to run before the streets get to busy or it gets too hot.”

  “Would you like to use the bathroom first?”

  “What a gentleman you are.”

  He ripped his blue oxford shirt over his head and tossed it on the bed. “Do you want to see me get naked?”

  Yes please. “Are you trying to shock me?”

  He started to unbutton his gray pants. “Can I?”

  “I’m sure you’ll try.”

  Declan dropped his hands to his side. “I’ll let you get comfortable first. It will be more fun for me.”

  “Give it your best shot.”

  “I will.”

  Jane grabbed her overnight bag and went to the bathroom. First she got out of her wig and placed it on the foam head. Then she took her normal five minute shower because she didn’t have to wash her hair, but she needed to wash Declan off her. There was no way she’d be able to sleep, if she could smell him on her skin and he’d spent a lot of time touching her and marking his territory for the photogs. Jane was so horny she had to turn the faucet to arctic cold. Goose pimples rose on her skin. After rubbing herself dry she lotioned up and brushed her teeth then changed into a tank top and panties. She wasn’t self-conscience about how she was dressed, she spent a lot of time out in the field with men and modesty was something she didn’t cling to anymore. She went into the bedroom and slipped into her bed surprised to see Declan reading.

  He was good, he almost was able to check her out without her seeing him. If it hadn’t been for that sly smile, she would have thought he didn’t pay attention to her. The sheets felt cool against her heated skin. Damn if she didn’t want to take him up on his offer to share that big bed.

  What would it be like to have him as her lover? Jane didn’t take many lovers, she hated being vulnerable to a man. She loved sex, but on her terms. Declan would be a demanding lover that would wring everything out of her and then toss her aside for the next new thing. Then again one time with him was all a woman should get in her life.

  She heard the shower turn on. She forced herself not to think of water running over his skin the way she wanted her hands to. What she wouldn’t give to taste him. With the heat blazing between her thighs, she was surprised the sheets didn’t catch fire. If she could gage how long he’d be in the shower she’d take care of business. Another thing she learned being in the field was how to get herself off quickly and quietly. Squeezing her eyes shut she forced those thoughts away. She couldn’t get all wrapped up in him. That would be weak and she promised herself she’d never be weak again. He wasn’t her type. She chose military types, who wanted some laughs, swap some war stories and uncomplicated sex. She had nothing in common with Declan. Truth be told she was the help, nothing more. As soon as her job was done she’d be out of his life. All of these things ran through her head, until she heard a deep throaty groan coming from the bathroom. She knew what that was. Guys in the field whacked off pretty frequently, hell it was a tension reliever. Like her they tended to be quick about it. For the most part she’d learned to ignore it because she didn’t need much coming between her and sleep. Or the embarrassment of having to sit next to that guy in a Humvee. Jane covered her ears with the pillow. Damn that man was taking his time. Her thighs rubbed together and she could feel the wetness on her panties. She bit her bottom lip and prayed for
him to finish.

  After another five minutes of listening to Declan jack off he finally came with a loud groan that she felt all the way down to her toes. Her heart was racing and her skin was hot. A few seconds later he strutted out of the bathroom in nothing but a dark red towel around his waist. He strolled to his bed. The light on his nightstand table illuminated his golden skin. Jane closed her eyes and let out a long silent breath. She didn’t want to stare at him. She forced her body to relax. Thankfully her side of the large room was dark. She popped open an eye and saw him standing next to the bed. Why wouldn’t he sleep naked? Dear God he was beautiful. He was a golden god of manhood. He picked up a set of headphones and slipped them over his ears. He turned and glanced over at her. Then he dropped that towel and Jane bit her lip so she wouldn’t sigh at the sight of his beautiful muscled ass. He had the ass of man who worshiped at the altar of fitness. She wanted to touch it. Those stunning muscles were honed to perfection. His butt was so pretty she didn’t even get mad that he dropped a damp towel on the hardwood floor. She closed her eyes and pushed a silent breath out of her mouth. She had to stop drooling or she’d never get any sleep. Who was she kidding she was going to dream about that ass.

  Chapter Five

  DECLAN COULDN’T KEEP his eyes off Jane as she leaned against a wall in the ballroom during rehearsals. She’d shown up about an hour ago and propped her long body against the wall and kept a watchful eye on him. Was it wrong to feel safe and horny all at the same time?

  The band was working on turning some of their songs into a Blues version for the charity show they were doing. It had been going well and it was interesting hearing their songs re-imagined as the Blues. If he wasn’t under the watchful eye of bodyguards waiting for a crazed killer to leap out of a closet, he’d be having a good time. Well that’s not exactly true. He was having a great time with Jane. The last three days passed so quickly he’d almost lost track of time.

  Even eighty seven year old blues great, Hawkman Turner was checking Jane out. It was hard not to in her skin tight black leather pants and thigh high boots. She was wearing this blouse that she had buttoned so low you could see her bra and cleavage. The lace of the bra barely covered her nipples and he couldn’t help but wonder what they were like. Those tank tops and boy shorts she wore to bed every night really turned him on. They had his hand working overtime in the shower. Which he found very strange because he usually liked his woman a bit more seductively clad. Jane could throw on the sexy like she was born to it, but she was a jeans, t-shirt, and combat boots girl. Tomboyish actually except for the long brown hair. But damn was it hot. He liked it much better than her rock star girlfriend clothes.

  A hearty chuckle brought him out of his ogling of Jane. Declan turned to see Hawkman grinning at him.

  A sly grin revealed even white teeth against dark teak colored skin. “Now that is a pretty girl.”

  “She is.”

  Hawkman’s dark eyes sparkled with appreciation. “She yours?”

  Eventually he thought. “Yeah.”

  “Why the hell you here?”

  “I have no idea.” Declan held up his hands.

  “If I had something that pretty I might never leave my house.”

  Not a bad idea. “I gotta work to keep her.”

  Hawkman laughed. “Making a woman happy is a labor of love. If Charlotte wasn’t cooking I’d leave so you could get to business with her.”

  Declan grinned. “I am sitting with a living legend. I can wait.”

  He laughed. “I’m gonna give you some advice.”

  “What’s that?”

  He slapped the curve of his guitar. “No matter how sweet the music is, or how the crowd loves you, it don’t compare to coming home to your woman.”

  Declan snorted. “You’re kidding?”

  The old man shook his head. “Nope.”

  Hawkman had been on the road since before pavement had been laid. How could he not love it more than anything. “But you’ve been doing it since you were a kid?”

  “Left my daddy’s farm when I was fourteen.”

  “Seventy some years?”

  Hawkman winked at him. “In my young years I had a girl in every city, lived out of a suitcase, and didn’t think about nothin’ past my next gig, but it got old.”

  Declan loved the rock star lifestyle, the travel, the audiences, the adulation, there had never been anything except acting that equaled that, but then he loved playing make believe. When he was in costume, or dancing he was another person, who for a while, got to forget about his shitty home life. “It hasn’t gotten old for me yet.”

  “When you find the woman to come home to it will.”

  He didn’t know much about the man’s personal life, but some of the stories he had told about touring with some of rock’s and blues greats were fascinating. “You found the woman?”

  “Etta June Livingston. We been married almost sixty years now.”

  “You still tour constantly.”

  He patted his stomach. “Man gotta eat, I just like coming home. I enjoy my wife’s cookin’, I like sitting on the porch rocking grandbabies, tending my farm, and walking my dogs. I figured out the secret to happiness.”

  This he had to hear. “What’s the secret?”

  “Man needs four things to be happy.” He held up four fingers.

  Four things? Shit Declan owned one of almost everything and it didn’t make him happy. Performing made him happy. “Only four?”

  “Don’t be greedy son.”

  “My bad.”

  He held up one finger. “A job he loves. Don’t care if you digging ditches or playing the blues, you got to love what you do.”

  Check Declan thought.

  “Need to have a family that loves you.”

  Declan frowned. Well he was fucked.

  “They ain’t got to be blood. You don’t talk about it but you boys love each other, you like brothers. Ms. Jocelyn thinks of all you as her babies and she treat you the same way. You got a family boy.”

  “I will give you that one. What’s number three?”

  He reached over and stroke his dog’s head. “A good dog.”

  Declan looked at the reddish floppy eared dog at the man’s feet. Maybe he should think about getting a dog. It’s not like a dog can’t tour with them. He did like dogs, he just never had the time for one. Or maybe he didn’t want to make the time for one. “I’m assuming the last thing is the most important.”

  “You would be correct.”

  Declan leaned back in the chair. “What’s the most important thing a man needs to be happy?”

  Hawkman inclined his head toward Jane. “A big healthy girl to keep him warm at night.”

  He looked over at Jane and she stopped scanning the room and their eyes met. Her chest rose and a bolt of heat shot right down to his crotch and he thought for second he was going to come on the spot. She bit her bottom lip and continued to stare at him and his heart raced. Yeah she was a big healthy girl who could melt a glacier, she was so hot. Was he thinking about this? No he was Declan Shaw he wasn’t meant to be domesticated. There wasn’t a woman born that could make him give up his freedom. But Jane was so beautiful, even in that stupid wig and trampy clothes. God he wanted her. The need went all the way down to his bones, sometimes he couldn’t even think straight. He heard the old man laughing and turned his eyes to him.

  The old man gave a loud chuckle.

  “What?”

  “We need to get you a dog.”

  “I’m not … Jane and I are …” Shut the fuck up man.

  “After the concert, you come down to my farm and we gonna find you a good dog and get you started on the path to happiness.”

  “I know about as much about dogs as I do about digging ditches.”

  “You’ll learn. That’s what men do.”

  He couldn’t learn, he was broken. The only thing that gave him happiness was his art. He lived to perform, it gave him a purpose. He knew it couldn’
t last forever, but he was going to wring every second out of it he could. He wasn’t ever going to be a family man. For all he knew he would end up being just like his bastard of a father. Hell no he wasn’t passing that shit on. Whatever crazy lurked inside him was ending with him. Fuck happy. Some people weren’t meant to be happy.

  * * *

  DAY THREE OF MY CAPTIVITY, she thought and I have not killed Declan Shaw. She was proud of her restraint. Although she wasn’t sure if she hadn’t killed him because she was a good person or hadn’t come up with an escape plan. He was still breathing which was good. He was staring at her, undressing her with his eyes and it pissed her off that she was enjoying it. Their little game was taking some interesting turns. He flirted with her and she threatened him with bodily harm. Occasionally she’d throw some overtly sexual gesture into the mix just to keep him on his toes.

  “Hey Bodi.”

  “What’s up Hoss?”

  The tall black man leaned against the wall next to her. “Ms. Lambert asked to see you in the kitchen.”

  “I’m working.”

  He chuckled. “I got this. I think she wants some girl time with you.”

  Oh fuck.

  “If I’m not back in ten minutes you round up the troops and come in hot.” She figured the inquisition would come, but she’d hoped she could avoid it. She hurried to the kitchen to get this over and get back to her purpose for being here other than drooling over Declan Shaw.

  Jane entered the big kitchen. She was amazed that the room had such a modern feel compared to the rest of the house’s period furniture. Charlotte and Jocelyn were sitting at the breakfast nook with smiles on their faces. Jane knew that look. She’d seen it on the popular girls in high school back in the day. Not that she thought either one of these women were mean girls. Dark haired Charlotte was too nice and the redhead Jocelyn was the tough girl, no one gave her shit. They were here to make sure she was taking care of Declan and keeping the band safe. She could play this game.