I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  Charlotte pointed to a chair next to her. “Jane have a seat.”

  She walked over to the table and sat down flanked by both the women. “What can I do for you?”

  Jocelyn slid a cup of coffee over. “One sugar right?”

  This one was observant. “Thank you.”

  Charlotte leaned forward. “How are things going?”

  “Quiet.”

  “How long have you been a body guard?” Jocelyn stirred her coffee.

  “On and off for the last five years.”

  “It must be exciting.” Charlotte put her hand under her chin

  Jane shook her head. “Most of the time I stand around watching.”

  Jocelyn trained her dark gaze on her. “What else do you do?”

  “I’m a bail enforcement agent and a courier. I work for Mick when he needs a girl.”

  Charlotte perked right up. “A bounty hunter?”

  “Yes.”

  “How did you get into that?” She asked.

  Jane shrugged. “After I retired from the Army, I wanted something that paid well and let me use the training.”

  Charlotte smiled. “The other bodyguards speak highly of you.”

  She liked working with the guys too. It reminded her of her time in the military. “Most of us served together in the Middle East.”

  Jocelyn took a sip of her coffee. “How long were you there?”

  “Five years.”

  Charlotte looked surprised. “I didn’t know they could keep you there for that long? What did you do?”

  “I was primarily an interpreter.” That’s what she could talk about.

  “You speak Arabic?”

  “Farsi, Pashto, Dari, French, and a few others.”

  “You said primarily what else did you do?”

  That Jocelyn was a quick one. “Things I can’t talk about.”

  They both leaned forward. “We won’t tell anyone.” They both said together.

  “If I tell you, I’d have …”

  Charlotte giggled. “This is so exciting.”

  Jane thought Charlotte sounded like she was her girlfriend not the hired help. “You have a funny idea of excitement.”

  “How are things going with Declan?” Jocelyn asked.

  She shrugged. “Fine, but I can’t go into any of the details.”

  Jocelyn rolled her eyes. “We know about the case, you know Declan tells Malcolm everything, who talks to Gavin and Gavin can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

  So she figured. “I see.”

  Charlotte stirred her coffee. “How are things with you and Declan? You look like you have things well in hand.”

  She smiled. She figured they weren’t being nosey for nosey sake, they cared about Declan. Even though she hadn’t had an in-depth conversation with either one of them she’d observed how they interacted with Declan and he respected both women. They could be allies. Wrangling the rock star love god was a job she’d need all the help she could get. “I may look calm, but in my head I’ve punched him three times.”

  There was a moment of silence then both women burst out laughing.

  Jocelyn slapped the table. “That’s my Declan.”

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Since he was a kid.”

  “That’s right you were the nanny.”

  Jocelyn sighed. “Those kids were my boot camp.”

  “I hear Gavin was a troublemaker back in the day.”

  Jocelyn nodded. “Not much has changed.”

  Gavin was a darling, he looked at her as if she was a superhero and a love goddess all rolled into one. “He’s sweet.”

  Jocelyn sighed. “With a big boner for you.”

  Not surprised, Jane had seen the way he stared at her and she was flattered but unaffected. Now the way Declan stared at her got her juices flowing. “It happens.”

  Jocelyn shook her head and pointed at her and then Charlotte. “You two are the first women I’ve met who didn’t get all gaga over my baby boy.”

  Charlotte giggled as if she had some kind of secret. “He’s delightful, but I have Travis and Jane has Declan.”

  “You do know the rock star girlfriend is an act right?”

  Charlotte gave a unladylike snort. “We enjoy watching you two.”

  Yeah they were giving a great show. “He’s a good actor.”

  “As are you.” She added.

  This conversation was making her antsy. She liked them, but she couldn’t afford to get all girl friendly. This was a job and as soon as it ended she was out of here. “Hopefully this will bring out his stalker quicker and we can get this wrapped up.”

  Jocelyn fanned herself. “Because all the testosterone backing up in this house is ready to ignite.”

  Jane couldn’t deny that. “I’ve picked up on the tension.”

  Jocelyn raised her hands in the air. “Boys are ready to go nuclear.”

  “What can we do to help?” Charlotte asked.

  Jane blow out a long breath. “The stalker is in control right now, she has to make a move. My being here will hopefully force her hand. What you can do is keep an eye out for anything strange. It’s not uncommon for stalkers to tag the people around their victim.”

  Jocelyn steepled her hands in front of her face. “Jane make me a promise.”

  “If I can.”

  For a second the ‘I’m totally in control’ mask slipped on her face. “Don’t let anything happen to him. The asshole act is just that. He has a lot of crazy baggage.”

  Charlotte nodded. “Out of all of them he is the most damaged.”

  Jane held up a hand. “I’m not his shrink, I’m his bodyguard. I won’t let anything happen to him, but I’m not his friend.”

  “I understand, but he is very special to me.”

  Jane got how Charlotte operated. She made you want to help her because she was nice. Jane liked her, it was hard not to. Jocelyn was so protective of her boys she respected that. They wanted her to be part of their Scooby gang. “Ms. Lambert and Ms. Murray, Mick’s team is very good at what they do. As long as Declan follows the rules and takes this seriously, we should have a positive outcome.”

  “Please call me Charlotte.”

  “Jocelyn please.”

  “Okay.”

  Jocelyn sighed. “As for Declan following the rules, that might be a problem.”

  She smiled. “I figured that one out.”

  Joselyn tapped her fingers on the table top. “You’ll be able to work around that?”

  Jane nodded. “I will.”

  Charlotte leaned back in her chair. “We don’t want you to think we were ganging up on you.”

  “The thought never crossed my mind.”

  Jocelyn rolled her eyes. “Not that we’d have a hope in hell.”

  “I wasn’t going there.”

  Charlotte reached over and patted her arm. “We wanted you to have a better picture of who Declan is so that you could protect him better.”

  “Fair enough. Now ladies if you will excuse me I have to get back to work.” Jane got up and started heading out of the kitchen.

  “You know we’re going to like her don’t you?”

  “She’s gonna give Declan a run for his money.”

  The coffee cups clinked. “Let the games begin.” Then she heard a round of giggles.

  Jane smiled. She was going to like them too.

  * * *

  MALCOLM WALKED into the parlor and found Shane, Vaughn and Gavin sitting on the sofa staring at Gavin’s laptop. “Hey what are you guys doing?”

  “Watching the raw footage from the rehearsal.” Gavin said, sounding a little breathless.

  “How come you are all flushed and sweaty?”

  Gavin sat back and Malcolm saw Declan and Jane on the screen. Declan held Jane against his chest with one arm around her just under her breasts and one hand on her thigh and he was singing a bluesy version of Steve Miller’s The Joker. He kinda looked like he was fucking her from be
hind. Damn that made him uncomfortable. “Are you uploading that to the band’s website?”

  “Yeah.” Gavin grinned.

  Malcolm tried to look away but couldn’t. “Why?”

  “To bring out the stalker. It’s been driving ticket sales for the charity concert.”

  Gavin always had the ability to make everything sound logical. Let’s put Declan in more danger.

  “It’s a twofer.”

  Okay he got the plan but this video was something else entirely. Those two were burning up the screen with their act. It was way too real looking. There was some heat rolling around between them and he didn’t like it one bit. “It looks like porn.”

  Shane laughed. “Scorned porn.”

  Vaughn snickered. “I like it.”

  “Seriously it’s pretty hot watching Declan and Jane together.” Gavin slapped his forehead. “I’m horny as hell.”

  Malcolm pointed to the door. “Then go upstairs and take care of things. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Gavin held up his right hand and shook it. “Dude I've been taking care of things for the last week by myself, shit I got a callous. I whack myself one more time I’m gonna get carpal tunnel. I’m a drummer so I can’t have a janky wrist.

  Malcolm didn’t want to talk about it either. It’s not like he wasn’t hurting himself. “Go call Gwyn.”

  “She’s knee deep in a project, she can’t come.”

  “Well then neither can you.”

  Vaughn stood up. “I can’t watch this anymore or talk about

  it anymore. Fuck.”

  Gavin poked Shane in the shoulder. “How come you’re not bitchin’?”

  “Henrietta and Everett made the okay list and the kids are at the grandmother’s for the next couple of days so I’m gonna get taken care of.”

  Charlotte’s brother and sister-in-law had this interesting relationship with Shane. They were ménage buddies.

  “Can I come?” Gavin asked.

  Shane snorted. “By yourself.”

  “Fuck me.” Gavin squeezed his knees together. “Do you think Travis and Charlotte are still interested in a threesome. I’m so horny.”

  Malcolm laughed. Poor Gavin’s morals got in the way of that once upon a time offer. “That ship sailed the second he put the ring on her. Call Nariko.” She was this beautiful local tattoo artist that Gavin played with from time to time.

  Gavin shook his head. “Nariko has a record so she’s on the no pussy list.”

  Their security team was all over their personal lives. “What did she do?”

  “She got busted for protesting.” He threw up his arms. “Shit that’s not dangerous that’s patriotic.”

  Malcolm patted his shoulder. “Sorry baby bro.”

  “How come your not bitchin’? Did your dick take a vacation?” Gavin glared at him.

  It not like he didn’t want to, but right now his life was in turmoil and it just didn’t seem like a priority. “I have a lot on my mind.”

  “You still trying to figure out where you know Jane?”

  “I don’t know her, I know her face.”

  Shane stared at the laptop screen. “If the terminator and Adrianna Lima had a baby it would be Jane.”

  Gavin shook his head. “She’s Middle Eastern not Latino.”

  “How do know, you can’t even talk to her without drooling.”

  Gavin shrugged. “It’s her bone structure.”

  Jesus Gavin’s mind fascinated him. “Anthropology again?”

  Gavin nodded. “It’s all about the bones.”

  “Why don’t you like her?” Shane asked him.

  He didn’t know her enough to dislike her. She was this mystery that was just bothering him. “I don’t dislike her. I don’t know her. She’s said about ten words to me the entire time she’s been here.”

  Shane studied him. “You think she’s up to something?”

  He didn’t think she was out to get them, she just kept quiet about who she was. Five minutes after the rest of the bodyguards got here, he had their stories, but she avoided him. “I don’t like not having the entire picture.”

  “You’re funky because you’re not writing,” Gavin said.

  Trust his brother to get to the root of his problem. “I’m writing just not anything good.”

  Shane ran his hand through his thick blond hair. “You need a muse. Look what it did for Travis.”

  The sympathy in Shane’s eyes made Malcolm cringe. Was he some loser who couldn’t get his shit together? “Once we get rid of the stalker, I’ll be fine.” At least Malcolm hoped so.

  Gavin nodded. “And we can get laid again and Mom will stop calling every five minutes, and we can get laid and the record company will stop breathing down our necks and I can get laid.”

  Malcolm took another peek at the screen and now Declan was running his hands up and down Jane’s body and she had her hands on top of his. This wasn’t acting this was mating.

  Shane stared at the screen. “I give them a week, ten days tops.”

  Malcolm shook his head. “I told him it’s a bad idea.”

  “Maybe you should talk to her.” Gavin suggested.

  A bubble of hope appeared on the horizon. “You think that might work?” Appeal to Jane as a professional. Not bad.

  “I’m sure she cares about her job, but Declan is hard to resist.”

  Malcolm pinched the bridge of his nose. “Something you want to talk about?”

  “He’s pretty symmetrical too. Research says that men who are tend to have more sex and produce more children.”

  “Did you measure him?”

  “I’m using it for my final.”

  Malcolm gut twisted. “So basically we can’t stop this train from derailing.”

  “Nature can’t be contained.” Gavin shrugged.

  He couldn’t let his friend make this mistake, he would talk to Jane. She seemed to slap Declan down a lot, but then some women really liked to be chased.

  Declan wanted everything. The more you told him no, the more he wanted it. Then he went after it with relentless determination. Declan got what he wanted because he worked hard for it.

  Of all them, Declan liked being a rock star the most, and handled it the best. He could read an audience and be the singer they needed him to be.

  Spending the last week watching him turn their songs into the blues was a sight to behold. Declan had a voice that he could make do anything. The man worked at his craft like an athlete worked his body.

  Not that any of them were slouches, Malcolm still took piano lessons and Shane, Travis, and Gavin practiced every day, but compared to Declan they were lazy. What the hell was he going to do? He wasn’t sure he had another album in him. Andy’s death had rocked them all to the core. He was terrified that the first person who had confidence in his song writing ability was gone. Declan told him it would come back. His mother said the same, and Gavin said he’d find it again. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He was going to be a washed up failure like dear old dad.

  Chapter Six

  JANE SAT up in the bed. Something was wrong, she looked over at Declan’s empty bed. Fuck. Did the stalker get past them? She slipped out of bed and put on a nearby pair of jeans barely taking time to put on her boots. She forced the panic down and grabbed her phone and tucked her Beretta in the waistband of her jeans. She was going to shoot Shaw five seconds after she found him. She’d never lost a principle before, she wasn’t about to now. She sent a text to all the rest of the night team. Seconds later she got one from Repo. He said Declan locked himself in the ballroom. She dug through her bag and found her lock picks and hurried down stairs. Two of the guards were standing outside the door.

  “What’s up?”“The man said he needed some alone time.” Repo ran his hand through his brown hair, his brown eyes sparkling with laughter.

  Hoss snickered. “What the hell you doing to him?”

  She scowled at Hoss, but said nothing.

  He shrugged.
“I got the place surrounded, no one’s getting in.”

  Jane used her lock picks to open the lock, but didn’t open the door. “I got this.”

  The men stepped back and she opened the door and looked inside the darkened room. On the screen was Fred Astaire doing the top hat dance from the movie ‘Alexander’s Ragtime Band’. She slipped inside and closed the door behind her. She heard the beat of tap shoes as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and it was Declan tap dancing. This amazed her. She leaned back on the door and watched him. There was A look of joy on his face that overwhelmed her. He was incredible. He matched Astaire move for move. She knew he moved with grace, but him dancing was like magic. It reminded her of watching her mother belly dance. There was sheer happiness on her face as she pushed her body to its limit. It was the same with him.

  She never thought tap dancing was sexy, but with Declan it was hot. His bare chest glistened and his hair was disheveled. No wonder women went crazy for him. This man was walking sex.

  The dance ended and she intended to slip out of the room, before he noticed her, but her hands started clapping.

  The shock on his face startled her then it turned to anger. “Can’t I have a moment to myself?”

  Jane raised her hands in supplication. “I’m sorry,” came out of her mouth when she really should have been yelling at him for breaking the rules.

  “Why the hell are you here?”

  “So you don’t die.”

  “I’m fine. I needed to be alone.”

  Jane could go with anger, but she felt as if she’d interrupted some sacred moment. “All you had to do was tell me you were coming down here to get your dance on.”

  He grabbed a towel off the chair. “I didn’t want to wake you, it was a long day.”

  Jane took a breath. He was trying to be a nice guy. Most of her clients thought their bodyguards were their personal assistants. Declan didn’t treat any them like that, he seemed to respect the job. “They don’t pay me to sleep.”

  He let out a long breath. “I needed to blow off some steam.”

  “You’re really good. How come you are fronting a rock band when you could be on Broadway?” She watched him wipe the sweat off his body and she had this insane desire to offer her tongue for the job. She could have slapped herself for being so horny. Day five of my captivity and all I can think about is licking Declan Shaw’s body from top to bottom.