I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  The entire table broke up laughing.

  Gavin pointed his fork at Vaughn. “See Vaughn, I told you Jane will gank you.”

  What the hell had happened before he came down?

  “Jane likes me just fine.” Then Vaughn slapped her on her ass.

  Declan reached across the table to grab Vaughn, but Mick grabbed his wrist. “She’s got this.”

  Jane slammed Vaughn’s head against the table, grabbed a steak knife and held it against his neck. “Do you know what is sounds like when you slit a throat? First there is this sweet whisper of the blade on the skin. Then the blood starts to gurgle. The smell is intoxicating. They try to breathe but can’t. If you’re lucky you don’t have to be quiet and you get to hear them gasping for air. In their eyes you can see they know they are dying and you get to watch the light leave. If you touch me again you will find out.” She let him go and walked to sink and tossed the knife in.

  Declan glared at Vaughn. He’d had enough of this bastard. No one touches his woman. “You’re fired.”

  “I’ll be out in ten minutes.” She walked out of the kitchen.

  She was gone before Declan could tell her he was talking to Vaughn.

  Vaughn rubbed his neck. “Fucking crazy bitch, did you--”

  “Get your shit and go. There will be a plane ticket waiting for you at the airport.”

  Vaughn thumped his chest. “Bitch tried to kill me.”

  “She wasn’t trying, she let you live and fuckwad, I would have helped her hide the body.”

  He jabbed a finger at him. “Just ‘cause you’re fucking her.”

  “Leave or I will finish what she started.”

  Gavin slapped the table. “I knew it.”

  “Shut up Gavin.” He hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs. He opened the bedroom door and found her stuffing clothes into an oversized duffle bag.

  “I’ll be gone--”

  He grabbed her arm a turned her face him. “You’re not leaving.”

  “You just fired me.”

  “I fired Vaughn.”

  “I crossed a line.” She pulled her arm away from him. “One I would have never thought about jumping over if I wasn’t sleeping with you.”

  “Are you saying worse has happened to you.”

  She sat on the bed. “Most of the people who can afford my services need bodyguards for a reason.”

  “What’s the reason?”

  “They’re assholes and people want to kill them.”

  Ouch he thought. “Are you saying I’m an asshole?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think that about you anymore.”

  “What do you think about me?” He rubbed her jean clad leg.

  Jane pushed his hand off her leg. “Don’t distract me with your dick. I have to go. My head is in a bad place I’m going to get you killed.”

  He leaned his chest on her shoulder and nuzzled her neck. “My dick distracts you?”

  “Do not push your luck Declan or I will kick your ass,” she said but didn’t move away.

  “Will you tie me up and do bad things to me.”

  “Get out so I can finish packing.”

  “Don’t leave.” He flicked his tongue over her ear, because he knew that made her crazy.

  “Don’t you give me that ‘you make me feel safe Jane’ crap, I should have left after I slept with you the first time. I can’t believe that Mick isn’t up here firing me right now.”

  “He had to stop me from killing Vaughn.”

  She closed her eyes. “What are you going to do about the album?”

  “We can find another bass player.”

  “You shouldn’t have to. Don’t fire him. I can deal with him. I’ve dealt with a hell of lot worse than him in the military. Vaughn doesn’t have the skills to hurt me.”

  He slipped his fingers between hers. For a moment he saw a glimmer of pain on her face. He wanted to comfort her. “You want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “What happened?” He wrapped his arms around her and he felt her body melt into his.

  A long sigh left her lips. “I was supposed to go to a village to negotiate safe passage for our troops. We loaded up a truck with toys, food, medical supplies as a show good will, but we got stuck and showed up a couple of hours late because they had to clear the road for IEDs. When we got there it was a massacre. Most of the men and teenaged boys were just slaughtered. All the women and girls had been raped. Hell they even took some of the older girls to… We radioed in and got permission to track them. A day later we found them and killed most of them. The three that were left alive I was supposed to bring in for interrogation, but when we got to the village I just left them there and let the mothers have them. We just went back to the base. That was the day I knew I had to leave, because I lost my perspective and I put my need for vengeance over the Army.”

  “Did you get in trouble?”

  She shook her head. “My commanding officer has daughters. He understood.”

  “Mick understood about Vaughn.”

  “That’s because Mick wanted to kill him. Frankly we all thought you were going to be the biggest diva in this show, but your ego is nothing compared to Vaughn’s stupidity.”

  He began to rub her stomach. “Thank you … I think.”

  “Look--”

  Before she could finish his cell phone rang. By the ring tone U2’s I Will Follow, he knew it was Casa de Crazy calling.

  “I have to take this.” He pulled the phone out of his back pocket. “Hi can you hang on a sec?”

  “Hi Declan, sure.” His mother’s girlish voice answered.

  He put his hand over the speaker. “You’re not leaving.”

  Jane raised an eyebrow, lifted her hand and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

  “Hi Clare. How are you?”

  “I miss you. When are you going to come see me?”

  He missed her. He felt bad for neglecting her. “I hope soon.”

  “I got the new coloring books you sent me. I put the pictures in my window and they make my room all kinds of pretty colors.”

  “It’s called Stained Glass.”

  “I know Benny told me.”

  Declan put her on speaker so he could look at the scheduling app on his phone. Malcolm’s birthday was coming up two weeks from Thursday and the band was going to take the weekend off so Malcolm could spend it with family. He could fly to California. “I can be there two weeks from Friday.”

  “I can’t wait to see you.”

  “Me too. What’s going on?”

  Declan listened to his mother chatter on for the next twenty minutes and when she finally hung up Declan was emotionally exhausted. A wave of guilt washed over him. It was his fault she was in the mental condition she was in. After one too many beatings she broke. Now she was more like a six year old. Patrick knew Declan could take any shit he dished out, but the fucking bastard started taking it out on Brody and his mother to control him. When Declan walked into the hospital and saw his mother lying in a bed hooked up to tubes, he went crazy. If Malcolm hadn’t tackled him he would have killed his father. That was the day he decided he’d had enough and told Cherry the entire story and she got him away from his dad. Cherry got his mother into a great place where she could be six forever and they took care of her. She was happy. He had to be okay with how things turned out.

  There was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

  Malcolm walked in. “You and Jane get your issue ironed out?”

  “She’s staying.”

  “Why do you have cranky face on?”

  “Just talking to Mom.”

  He came and sat on the bed. “How's she doing?”

  He shrugged. “The same.”

  “You keep hoping she’s going to get better.”

  Part of him did, but then she’d have hell to go through. “If she gets better she might remember. This way is easier.”

  “Not for you.”

 
“She’s got an eternal childhood. That doesn’t sound bad.”

  “As long as it’s a happy childhood.”

  Declan didn’t want to talk about his mom. It ate him up inside because this was something he couldn’t control. At least he could take care of her properly. “You going to be okay playing the bass?”

  “Call me a tattletale, but I called Cherry and she’s going to put a few feelers out.”

  “How did she take the news about Vaughn?”

  “Happy we won’t have a sexual harassment lawsuit on our hands. She’ll make sure she keeps repeating that to the record company.”

  Maybe he should have checked with them first, but no one liked Vaughn and he didn’t think anyone would be too mad. “You guys okay with me firing Vaughn?”

  “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

  “Thanks. But you never answered my question, are you going to be okay playing the bass?”

  “I’m never going to be as good as Andy but I’m not writing anything so what the fuck.”

  How the hell could he fix this for Malcolm? “Dude cut yourself some slack.”

  “What is wrong with me?”

  “Maybe you’re still fucked up about Andy’s death?”

  Malcolm went to stand by the French doors. “He was the best of us.”

  “I know.” So was Malcolm but he never thought he was.

  “You know he’s laughing at us right now don’t you?”

  “Why?”

  Malcolm sighed. “Because we always teased him about how unimportant the bass was and here we are without a bass player, wondering if we are going to be able to keep the band together.”

  He’d keep it together. He’d help his friend through this. “Shit you’re right. You know what your problem is?”

  “I’m sure you’re going to let me know Dr. Declan.”

  Declan went to the mini fridge and grabbed two beers. “You keep everything inside.”

  “You’re the same.”

  He handed Malcolm a beer then twisted off the top of his. “My ego is way too big. I have a big healthy dose of fuck you. You think I didn’t love lording it over my assbag dad that I’m a successful rock star who paid his way. I loved threatening to cut him off. Or making him account for every fucking penny. Not taking his phone calls, freezing his bank account, and then I’d make him jump through hoops. I loved every minute of it.”

  “How’s that working for you?”

  Not as much fun since his dad died on him. Bastard. “I know it’s fucked up, but success is the best revenge.”

  Malcolm took a sip of beer. “What’re you saying exactly?”

  “Get mad, get drunk, find your dad and kick the crap out of him.”

  “You think I’ll get a couple of good songs out of that, because this album is shaping up to be the Travis Rexford show.”

  Was he resentful? Malcolm was the most uncompetitive person he knew. Declan was shocked. “Are you jealous?”

  “I want to contribute.”

  “Who is our producer? Who reworked all of our songs into the blues. Hawkman thinks we should re-release them. Aren’t you and Shane going to be working with him on the new album?” Declan took a sip of beer.

  “But--”

  “Maybe you need to sit on the bench for a while longer.”

  “What the fuck does that mean.”

  He wasn’t sure himself. “You have proven your worth to the band time and time again. No one had to put up with as much shit as you did when we started out. You’ve earned the right to take some time and contemplate your toe nails.”

  “Are you going to take time to contemplate?”

  Thinking made him crazy. “I’m not the thinker you are.”

  “When did you get so philosophical?”

  “You never needed me to be the smart one. Usually it’s you carrying me on your back across the bullshit lake of my life. I’m returning the favor.”

  “I look away for a second and you grow up on me.”

  Declan held up his beer bottle. “Don’t make me cry.”

  “You’re a good friend.”

  “I learned from the best.”

  Declan watched Malcolm leave, concern roiling through him. Malcolm always had his shit together. He had a clear of vision of what Scorned was. Between him and Andy they guided the band to success. Declan thought if he got Travis back on track things would be fine, but he had no idea how bad Malcolm was hurting. He had to fix this. Maybe he needed to start at the beginning. Fox was clean now, maybe it was time he and Malcolm made peace. Unlike his dad, Fox had lost himself in addiction. He wasn’t bad, just clueless. Maybe things had changed. He got out his cell and dialed Fox’s number. This shit between Malcolm had to get settled.

  Chapter Fourteen

  THE PING of her cell phone woke Jane. Day twenty two of her captivity and she was pooped. Declan wore her out. She turned over on her side and grabbed for the antique clock on the night table. Shit she’d been asleep for almost two hours. Her head itched and she reached up to scratch and realized she was still wearing her wig. She must have been so tired she didn’t even take it off. She reached for her phone on the night table and found five messages from her mom. Fuck Ling was missing. She jumped up from the bed and hunted for her boots.

  Ling had been acting strange lately because her parents were adopting Marisol. She suspected Ling felt they were replacing her with a cute baby. Jane understood, she’d gone through the same feelings when Pete and Addy adopted Simon.

  All of Pete and Addy’s kids came to them at the worse part of their lives. Ling ended up being sold to a rich couple as a slave. The couple who purchased her figuring they needed a little girl who would clean for them. After they’d fired the gardener he’d called the police and Pete and stormed the plantation and found her cowering under a bed. He took one look at her and the next thing they knew he brought the malnourished girl home. Between her and Pete they called in every favor they had to keep her from being sent back to China. Jane had kept most of her contacts from her Pentagon days and they were able to adopt her.

  She ran down the stairs to let Mick know she was leaving, when she heard violin and piano music coming from the ballroom. The door was open and Jane caught sight of Ling playing her violin. Malcolm and Declan were sitting at the piano having an impromptu jam session doing an acoustic version of Led Zepplin’s ‘Kashmir’.

  Jane walked over to Mick. “Ling said not to wake you up.”

  “Did you call Addy?”

  “Ling said Addy said it was cool if she came over.”

  Jane texted her mother with the address and told her Ling was safe. Jane’s parent’s house wasn’t that far away. Ling caught her eye and Jane crooked her finger and Ling stopped playing and her head drooped as she walked over to her.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Ling glared at her stone faced. “I don’t like you with blonde hair.”

  Jane rolled her eyes. Ling may have a sweet little China doll face, but she had the will of the Great Wall. Jane glanced over Ling’s shoulder to Malcolm and Declan pretending not to listen. She took Ling by the upper arm and pulled her to the stairs, pointing for her to sit down. She was going to have to pull out the thumbscrews.

  * * *

  DECLAN LOOKED out of the ballroom at Jane and her younger sister Ling arguing. “Ling lied to us.”

  “We should have woken Jane up. Why didn’t we?”

  Declan hoped he didn’t look guilty, but he’d been keeping her up all night because he just couldn’t get enough of her. “Because I liked singing with you and Ling. When was the last time you got to play with a violinist that good?”

  Malcolm nodded his head. “She is good.”

  “As good as you on the piano.”

  “She’s better.” Malcolm smiled. “Jane ever mention she had an adopted sister?”

  Jane never talked about her family. She talked about the Army, about being a body guard, but never about the life she had
outside of her job. He found that curious. He wondered what other mysteries there were about her. He would have to find out. “Is it important?” he asked hoping that he didn’t sound as interested as he was. Because he had no idea why he wanted to know everything about her.

  “I think there is a whole lot of story behind her.”

  “Why don’t you ask then?”

  Malcolm scoffed. “Because she's good at avoiding questions. She makes you want to talk about yourself.”

  Why he needed them to be cool with each other was a mystery to him. “You getting along better with her?”

  “I still feel like I know her from somewhere, but I’m going to let it go. I have other things to think about.”

  “Okay,” Frankly other than that they were sleeping together, Malcolm knew about as much as he did about her. He saw Jane take Ling into a fierce hug. The girl hugged her back. They broke apart and Jane leaned over and kissed Ling’s forehead and he felt as if he was invading a private moment between them, but he found it sweet and loving. Gavin and Malcolm had that kind of relationship, but he didn’t with Brody. He was always afraid to show his younger brother affection, because he knew that his father would use it against them. When they were older, it just felt awkward.

  The front door opened and Mick came in followed by a tall black man who looked like he was ready to kill. He lifted Ling and hugged her. Strange, he thought. A few seconds later, a medium height red haired man in an NOPD uniform came through the door. He put his hand on Jane’s back and they put their heads close together. When the black man put Ling down the red hair man pinched her cheek and smiled at her. Then she gave him a hug. The little group was talking together, when a tall light skinned black man limped through the door. Ling threw her arms around him and they hugged.