I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  “This is very interesting.” Malcolm said.

  “I know right.”

  Then a very petite older black woman with long braids and a baby came into the house. She glared at Ling who bowed her head. Jane poked the older woman in the arm and she handed Jane the baby to hug Ling, crushing Ling’s arms to her side.

  Declan looked at Mick. “Are we being invaded?”

  “No that’s what happens when a Peterson goes MIA.”

  Declan couldn’t take his eyes away. “Is this the entire family?”

  Mick laughed. “No Andre’s at MIT, but I’m sure by now he’s at the airport trying to get a flight out. Kendra is at a debate in Baton Rouge, Pete probably sent a squad car to pick her up.”

  Declan continued to stare. “I don’t see a family resemblance.”

  Mick shrugged. “Some women buy shoes, Addy adopts kids.”

  “I see.”

  Mick eyed him like he knew all his secrets. “You didn’t know?”

  “Was I supposed to?”

  Mick gave him this smirk and moved on.

  After a few more minutes of family time, Jane brought them all over and introduced them. They seemed like nice people and all of them seem to fawn over Malcolm which Declan thought was strange, because as everyone knew he was Declan Shaw. Jane seemed to be uncomfortable and hustled them out the door saying that they had a cocktail party to attend.

  Later that night, Declan was laying on the bed watching Jane undress. “You have an interesting family.”

  “I do.”

  Why did he always feel as if she wasn’t lying to him, but she wasn’t telling him the entire story. “When did you get adopted?”

  She took off her dress and hung it on a hanger. “When I was six.”

  He was always fascinated by her efficient movement. She didn’t move like a woman who wanted to seduce, but everything she did was sexy. “What happened to your parents?”

  “I don’t know my dad and my mother was murdered.”

  He sat up. “What?”

  “She was murdered. It happens.”

  What did you say to that? “I’m sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago.”

  She just seemed to shrug it off as if she wouldn’t give it the power to hurt her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Do you?” She put her wig on a head foam and shook out her dark hair.

  “I don’t know how to answer that.”

  “It’s okay. We all came to Pete and Addy on pretty much the worse day of our lives.”

  Declan got up and walked over to her. “Tell me about all of you.”

  “David’s the oldest. His parents were killed in a car accident and he lost his leg. Simon’s mother was a crack addict who tried to sell Simon to Pete who was working a drug murder. He was pretty beat up and starving. Pete brought him home and Addy kept him. Andre’s grandmother was killed in a drive-by and both his parents are in prison. Kendra was a Katrina orphan and Ling was smuggled into this country by human traffickers. Marisol was abandoned.”

  He thought his life was a shit. “That’s sounds so…”

  “I know, but Pete and Addy took us all in and loved us and got our lives back together.”

  “Did they ever catch the guy responsible for your mother’s murder?”

  She shook her head. “There was never an arrest.”

  Again he got the feeling she wasn’t telling him everything. “Any witnesses?”

  “Me.”

  His gut tightened with physical pain. “You saw your mother being killed?”

  “I hid in a closet. Pete found me there.”

  He couldn’t speak for a second. He wanted to console her, but he wasn’t sure how. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. Bad shit happens to kids. You know that. I was lucky Pete and Addy found me.”

  “I’m glad.”

  She turned around and pressed her naked body to his. “Do you wanna talk or do you wanna fuck?”

  He could feel her hard nipples against his bare chest, smell the heat coming off of her and he forgot his own name. “That’s usually my line.”

  “Don’t get sensitive on me. I’ll laugh at you.” She grabbed his cock and gave him a squeeze.

  He believed she would.

  She rubbed against him.

  He knew what she was doing. He used sex to avoid emotions. He promised himself they’d revisit the subject of her childhood. Right after he got done fucking her.

  She squeezed his cock again. “What’s it going to be?”

  Shit he was weak. “Fucking it is.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  DAY thirty seven of my captivity and the day had finally arrived. She was going to kill Declan Shaw.

  Hot water slid over her skin as Jane ran her hand over her flat stomach. It wouldn’t be flat much longer. She was pregnant. By Declan Shaw. That bastard. Her period should have shown up yesterday. But it hadn’t and this morning on her way home from her run she stopped at a gas station and bought a pregnancy test. She hadn’t checked the results yet. She forced herself to take a shower first. But she knew. With the exception of her time in A-Stan she’d been freakishly regular, almost down to the hour.

  She had turned into her mother. Knocked the fuck up by a rock star. Soon to be followed by abandoned by said rock star.

  Anger boiled through her. How could she let herself get in this position? She never wanted children.

  Kids made you vulnerable and she promised herself she’d never be vulnerable again. She was in control of her life. Hell she had a few more years to go in the life and she could do what she wanted. She didn’t have to take risks anymore. She’d set her family up financially, she was almost there. Just a few years away from the simple life.

  She turned the water off in the shower and stepped out, grabbing a fluffy forest green towel and wrapping it around herself. She picked up the white stick and closed her eyes and wished herself not pregnant. She opened her eyes and stared at the double plus sign. “You mother fucker.”

  She took a deep breath and glared at the stick again hoping she was just temporarily wrong and it would be right. Nope. The evidence was staring her in the face, mocking her. “Fucking bastard!”

  There was a knock at the door. “Are you okay?”

  “Go away.”

  “Jane, what’s wrong?” The door opened and Declan stepped into the bathroom, sucking all of her air out of the room.

  Anger simmered inside of her and she thrust the pregnancy stick at him. “Look at what you’ve done to me.”

  He glanced down at the stick then slowly lifted his head, his blue eyes wide with shock. “Oh shit.”

  “Oh shit is right buddy. I’m pregnant.”

  He was silent for a moment as he stared at the test. “You can’t be.”

  She wanted to toss it at him, but that would have been gross. “What do you call this?”

  “I used a condom every time. Are you--”

  “Don’t even go there.” She threw the wand in the trash can. “Do you think I want to have a baby? Your baby. Are you insane?”

  He touched his chest. “I did my part.”

  “Don’t look at me as if I’m trying to trap you. I don’t need shit from you.” Then she started pulling toilet paper off the roll and throwing it on top of the wand so the maid wouldn’t see it.

  “Do you think I wanted this to happen?”

  She hoped not because then she’d really have to kill him and that would be bad. Although she had no doubt she could get away with it. “I hope the fuck not, because I’m not mom material any more than you are dad material.”

  He stood there frowning. “How do you know?”

  “Really?” Did he just get butt hurt? Tough shit.

  “Are you saying I can’t be a father?”

  “Hell I’m saying I can’t be a mother.”

  “Don’t you want to be?”

  He said this like every woman was dying to bree
d. “Just because I have ovaries, doesn’t mean I want to use them. Jesus Christ I spent five years killing people for a living, do you want me raising your baby? Any baby?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you think your childhood qualifies you to raise a child?”

  “I don’t want children.”

  At least they agreed on something. “Stop eyeing me like I’m some damn groupie who just scored the golden ticket by having some rock star’s baby.”

  “I’m not.”

  He wasn’t. She was just mad and part of her wanted to lash out because how the fuck could she be this stupid to end up like this. “Good because I don’t need you or your money. I have plenty of my own.” She ran her fingers through her wet hair.

  “What do you want to do?”

  She sat on the toilet wrapped in towel feeling like an idiot. “I don’t know.” She sounded so defeated.

  “What would you like me to do?” And he had the nerve to sound concerned.

  What the fuck was his problem? Why did he have to sound so sincere? This wasn’t the reaction she expected. “I don’t know. I have to think about this. I have to go to my doctor. I have to prevent you from getting killed. I have a lot on my plate okay.”

  “Okay.” He sat on the tub basin and put his hand on her shoulder.

  She was comforted by his gesture and he really wasn’t angry or upset like she thought he’d be. “I feel stupid.”

  “Me too.”

  Hot tears pricked the back of her eyes, but she refused to get weepy. Right now she needed to be tough and in control. “Can you imagine the behemoth of a baby we’d produce? Do you have a clue what it’s going to do to my vagina?”

  He was absolutely clueless. “I have no idea.”

  “It’s going to be like those caves in France.”

  “Lascaux? They are pretty big.”

  “Get out. I need to be alone right now.”

  “This is my bedroom.”

  “I don’t care.” She pointed to the bathroom door. “I don’t want to look at you.”

  He stood up. “Jane.”

  “What?” She raised her head.

  He took a deep breath. “When you’re ready we’ll talk.”

  “Yeah whatever.” She put her arms around her stomach to stop herself from bawling. This wasn’t her life path. She was the strong one in control of every aspect of her life. Well she was until Declan Shaw rolled his beautiful blond rock star ass into her world. Why the fuck wasn’t he as upset about this as she was. He seemed like he was trying to be … supportive. Oh dear God in heaven that was all she needed. For him to go all beta male on her.

  * * *

  HE WAS downstairs in the living room before he’d realized his t-shirt was on backwards. Jane was pregnant, and he was the father. Shit. He was reeling, but somehow he wasn’t surprised. They’d been at it like bunnies on Viagra. He couldn’t get enough of her. She was the most exciting bed partner he’d ever had. She was no-holds-barred and then some.

  To be honest he wanted to crawl between the sheets and have her again, but he didn’t think she was going to let him within a mile of her again. What was wrong with him?

  What confused him the most was her anger. This was one of the things he dreaded the most. Some random woman telling him he’d gotten her pregnant. Then seeing the dollar signs rolling in her eyes like a slot machine. From Jane he got anger and disdain. As if he wasn’t good enough to be the father of her child. He could be a father. All he would have to do was do everything the opposite of his father and he’d do just fine. Did he want this? The fact that he had to ask himself the question was strange. All he was concerned about was her. He’d support any decision she would make. Another surprise. He wasn’t used to someone else making choices that involved him anymore.

  He found Malcolm sitting on the sofa sipping a cup of coffee reading. He knew he would have to come clean about Jane. He hoped Malcolm wouldn’t be disappointed. Not because he got Jane pregnant, but because he’d been dishonest about the relationship. That hadn’t happened ever. “You got a minute?”

  Malcolm lowered his book. “What’s on your mind?”

  Declan sat across from him and put his bare feet on the coffee table as he tried to get the words together in his head.

  Malcolm put his coffee cup on a coaster. “Do you want me to read your mind?”

  Declan gave him a faulty smile. “I …”

  “Yes?”

  Declan swallowed the lump in his throat and opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

  Malcolm moved to the edge of the couch. “You’re scaring me.”

  “You’d have my baby wouldn’t you?”

  Malcolm stared at him, his lips quirking as if he was fighting a smile. “Not until there’s ring on this finger.” He held up his left hand. “And a whole lot of surgery on your nickel.”

  What the fuck did he just say? Oh sweet God he was insane.

  “Did you knock up some groupie?”

  “No!”

  “Then what are you talking about?” His eyes widened. “You’re fucking Jane! Aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” he mumbled.

  “You got her pregnant!”

  His shoulders slumped. “I wore a condom every time. I don’t know how it happened.”

  “Yes you do. We had this talk with Gavin when he was eight.” Malcolm pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m going to take a moment and I’m only going to say this once. What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t.”

  “You just had to have her. You couldn’t just let this one woman go. You always have to have your way. Declan Shaw wants it. Declan Shaw gets its. I hope she’s worth it, because she is going to suck you dry in child support.”

  He leaned back until his head was touching the back of the couch. “She’s mad at me.”

  “Mad?”

  “She doesn’t want to have my baby.”

  “A point in her favor.” Malcolm blew out a long breath. “So she’s going to take care of things?”

  “She said she didn’t know. She said my baby would mess up her vagina. She kicked me out of my room.”

  Malcolm gawked at him as if he’d grown a third eye. “You seem upset. Is this because she’s not sure what she wants to do or because you’re not sure what you want her to do?”

  He planted his palms in his eyes. “I should be screaming at her for trying to trap me, but she told me she didn’t need me or my money.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I’m scared because what if she has the baby. I’m scared because what if she decides not to have the baby.”

  “You like her?”

  “I’m sleeping with her aren’t I?”

  Malcolm raised an eyebrow. “When did that become a requirement?”

  Shit the worst part about having a best friend was they got to be honest with you. Even when you didn’t want them to be. “I’m an asshole aren’t I?”

  “Do you like her?”

  He did. Not just the sex, he liked her. “I do.”

  “What do you like about her? As a person?” Malcolm studied him like he was a germ in a petri dish.

  “She’s honest with me. She’s funny. She makes me feel safe. She’s got my back. She’s a lot like you except more lethal. Which is totally hot. The sex is off the chain, she’s so into it and that makes me into it. I can’t get enough of her. Shit I don’t know. Man I’ve had some great pussy in my day, but Jane is like coming home.”

  “Please stop.”

  Malcolm blushed. Hell they’d shared women. What was his problem? “I love the way she smells and her skin is so soft. Even her scars are sexy.”

  “I don’t wanna know.” Malcolm turned his head away.

  “But you know what’s really weird?”

  “I’m sure you going to tell me.”

  “I sleep with her.”

  Malcolm rolled his eyes. “That’s how she ended up pregnant.”

  “No actually sle
ep. Through the night.” Which amazed him to no end. He loved going to sleep with her in his arms and waking up to her. He’d never done that with any woman.

  “More than just a couple of hours?”

  “Yeah I haven’t done that in years.”

  Malcolm sat back on the couch thinking for a second. “I don’t have an answer for you.”

  “I have no idea what to do.”

  “You know I should be mad at you for lying to me about not sleeping with her, but right now I’m enjoying the rollercoaster that has just become your life.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What are friends for?” He smiled. “So you are leaving the choice up to her?”

  “I think it kind of surprised her.”

  “Not a bad plan. If I were you, I’d talk to my lawyer and see where you stand.”

  “That seems like I don’t trust her.”

  “Do you?”

  He didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”

  “Okay, but there’s nothing wrong with covering your ass.”

  If she kept the baby then they’d have to make plans. A lot of plans. He wasn’t going to be a dick about it. He'd do right by his kid. “True.”

  “Get her to make a decision and then you take it from there, but talk to your lawyer and figure out your options.”

  “My options?”

  “If she keeps the baby do you want to be a dad or a paycheck?”

  “Shouldn’t I be both?”

  “Assuming Jane decides to keep the baby, do you think she’ll let you be both?”

  “I can be both.”

  “The least you should do is support your child financially.”

  “Okay I’ll do that, but what about helping her raise the child?”.

  “What do I know? We didn’t have a stellar example to choose from.”

  “Bullshit, Jay treated you like his own.”

  Malcolm smiled. “I did win the stepdad lottery, but Fox was a paycheck and the only reason he was that was because of Jay and my mom. Cherry made it easy for Fox and he was still a shitty dad.”