I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  “I can do this.”

  “I believe you think you can, but what is your first step?”

  “I can buy her a house.”

  “She said she doesn’t want your money.”

  If she was birthing his baby she’ll take it. “How much can she make as a body guard or a bounty hunter?”

  “According to Gavin who has a friend who works for the government, she does a lot of private contracts with them and that’s some big money.”

  He leaned closer and whispered. Which was kind of dumb because they were the only ones in the room. “Like the CIA?”

  Malcolm shrugged. “Shit we’d go to prison for trying to find out. I told you not to fuck her.”

  “You know I’m ruled by my dick.”

  “That is your problem, but it’s really not your fault.”

  “I’m not following you.”

  “About a week ago Jocelyn came running through the house gathering up all the condom boxes. Its seems there was a defective batch sent to the local Costco and they emailed her because she buys in bulk.”

  That was a huge relief. “So I’m really not at fault.”

  “Yep.”

  “And you’ve been holding that gem in all this time.” He stood.

  “I was.”

  “You are a good friend. I gotta go tell Jane so she won’t be mad at me anymore.”

  “When you're done, we can start drinking.”

  It was barely seven a.m. “This early?”

  “I’m your best friend who else is going to throw you a baby shower.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  MALCOLM WAS STILL REELING. Declan might end up being a dad. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Of all of the band Declan was the only one who came down on he wasn’t breeding. Travis couldn’t wait to get Charlotte pregnant, but Charlotte was waiting for the wedding. Shane said he wanted kids, but the man was too angry to find love. Malcolm prayed that his friend would find the stripper of his dreams and marry her. Gavin wanted kids, but Malcolm wasn’t sure if he wanted playmates or to see if he would pass on his genius IQ. Even Malcolm wanted them, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to rub it in his father’s face that he could do a better job. Declan was voted mostly likely to get a vasectomy.

  He watched Declan and Jane dance across the crowded nightclub. They were easily the most attractive couple in the place. In her high heels she was the same height as him. She was so different from what Declan normally liked even in the blonde wig. Not just physically but her personality too. Jane didn’t put up with Declan’s shit which was fun to watch. She had no problem getting in his friend’s face and telling him just what she thought. Declan was used to women who let him be the boss. Jane was used to command and she had the stones to back it up. What those two found in common besides sex was beyond him.

  Jane brought an interesting energy to the house. Everyone seemed to like her even Jocelyn and Charlotte. He’d caught the three of them with their heads together deep in conversation. Declan had told him about Jane’s history. He couldn’t imagine how one began to get over the loss of a parent. Yeah his absentee dad was a dick but he was still breathing. He couldn’t fathom having to deal with such violence at a young age.

  He took a sip of his beer as Declan twirled Jane on the dance floor then pulled her back against his chest. He rubbed her stomach. Did Declan want this baby? The realization hit him like a bucket of ice water.

  Was Declan in love with Jane? Malcolm’s heart began to race. How was this going to play out?

  Out of the corner of his eye he saw a short woman with a pink wig and big glasses make her way toward Declan and Jane. A silvery glint caught his eye. Her hand came up and Malcolm spotted a knife in her hand. He tried to stand as the woman’s hand arced up, he saw Jane react and grab at the woman’s hand. At the same time Declan pulled Jane back and the woman slashed the knife just catching Jane in the arm. Blood spurted and Declan yelled. A second later the woman disappeared into the crowd and Jane was struggling to get away from Declan.

  * * *

  DECLAN WATCHED HELPLESSLY as Jane stumbled out of the limo. Shit they should be going to a hospital not her apartment. But she insisted that she had all Sam needed at her place to stitch her up.

  She gripped the stair rail behind a bar just off of Bourbon street and placed her foot on the first step.

  He placed his hand on her lower back. “Let me carry you.”

  She glared at him.

  Mick laughed behind him. “Just catch her if she falls.”

  “But--”

  “She’s had worse.”

  That wasn’t reassuring.

  They made it up the stairs and down a lit corridor. She dropped her purse and leaned against the wall. “Can you get my keys, if I bend over I might fall.”

  Declan squatted and picked up her keys then unlocked the door. “I thought you were fine.”

  She waved her hand. “The heels throw off my balance.”

  Declan opened the door and stepped into the dark room.

  Jane followed and clicked on a light switch. “Home sweet home.”

  The room was low-lit and took a second or two for his eyes to adjust but when they did he was surprised. Jane’s apartment was a middle eastern girly fest. Different shades of purple and gold filled his vision. She had a large overstuffed sofa against a wall and a low-sitting intricately cut brass table. Brass hanging lamps framed the couch and an overstuffed gold and purple ottoman.

  “Nice,” Malcolm said behind him.

  “Surprising,” Declan mumbled.

  Jane placed her purse on a shelf and walked to a set of double doors. “Let’s go in the kitchen, the light’s better.”

  “Where do you keep your medical supplies?” Sam asked.

  “Hall closet, Declan the code is 9284.”

  Declan wondered why he needed a code to get into a closet, but shit who was he to question. So he walked to the closet and noticed it had a keypad on it. He pressed in the numbers and opened the door. He was greeted by Jane’s arsenal. There were several rifles and about ten semi-auto handguns on a peg board on the wall. There was an assortment of bullets and on the floor a white bag with a red cross on it. He grabbed that and hurried back to the kitchen. By the time he got back Sam was drying off his hands and Jane had pulled down her top revealing a black lacy bra. It wasn’t lost on him that there were nothing but men in this room and with the exception of Gavin whose tongue was hanging out, pretty much everyone acted natural.

  Sam rummaged through the bag. “You got some painkillers?”

  “I don’t want any.”

  The tall black man raised his head. “Seriously?”

  “Just do it.”

  “Okay, but if it gets to be too much I know where you keep the scotch.”

  Declan put his hand on Jane’s shoulder. “Before you start, we need to take you to a hospital.”

  “Then I have to explain how I got this and then we have to deal with the cops and the media. I’m fine. If I wasn’t right handed I’d sew myself up. Hoss has done this before.”

  Declan pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fine.”

  Gavin leaned on the kitchen counter. “Jane how come you have an armory in your hall closet.”

  “You need to be prepared if the zombies attack.”

  Gavin snickered.

  This was not a fucking joke. Someone put a hand on his shoulder and he turned to find Malcolm standing next to him. “You okay?”

  “She could have died.”

  Malcolm nodded. “But she didn’t.”

  “Can we talk about this later?”

  “Yeah.”

  Declan walked back to the kitchen in time to see Sam tie off the last of the stitches.

  “Nice work.” Jane examined the stitches like she got a trophy.

  “People thought I took Home Ec to meet girls. I wanted to learn how to sew.”

  Jane laughed. “You did your mama proud.”

  Declan felt rage
building inside of him. How the hell could she be making jokes? She could have been killed. His hands flexed into fists. They were going to have a long talk about how she’d put herself between him and the stalker.

  “Jane you take the rest of the night off,” Mick said.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not fine.” Declan nearly yelled.

  Jane leveled a glare at Declan that shut him up.

  Mick stepped forward. “You’re done. That’s an order.”

  She let out a long breath. “Yes sir.”

  Why couldn’t she be that way with him? “I’m staying.”

  “No you--”

  Declan interrupted Jane. “I’m the client.”

  “But--”

  Sam raised up his hand. “I’ll stay to. I can bunk on the couch.” He smiled. “I have never slept on the couch sober before. I’m kinda curious.”

  Jane threw up her uninjured arm. “Fine.” She stood up and tugged her dress up and walked toward the back of the apartment.

  Mick grabbed Declan’s arm stopping him from following her. “Fair warning, she’s going to tear you a new one.”

  “Why?”

  “You stepped into the middle of her job.”

  Shit he had. “I’m in trouble.”

  “We’ll see what’s left of you in the morning.”

  Declan walked into the bedroom and saw her take off her wig. She tossed it onto a chaise lounge. She lifted up her right foot and took off her high heel and then she took off the next.

  “Jane, I--”

  “Close the door, Hoss doesn’t need to hear this.”

  He rubbed his forehead knowing he fucked up trying to be the hero. “I’m sorry.”

  “I could have caught her tonight.”

  “I know I reacted.”

  She glared at him as if he was the dumbest piece of shit on the planet. “Why?”

  “I was afraid you could get hurt.”

  She huffed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve put myself in front of knife.”

  He hit his chest with his palm. “I’m the man, I’m supposed to protect you.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “You did not just say that.”

  Yeah he did. “You’re pregnant.”

  “I’m still on the job. My job is to protect you from crazy knife wielding stalkers.”

  “I’m not going to win this.”

  “Hell no. Declan it’s bad enough that I slept with you, now you have to go all cave man on me.”

  “I was scared for you.” And he was, he just found out he was going to be a dad. In his head he was making plans. He wasn’t sure why he just needed to do it. “The baby--”

  “We can’t let the baby interfere with my job or I’m going to have to quit. I can’t let anything come between me and protecting you.”

  “You’re carrying my child. I can’t let anything happen to you.”

  “You said this was my decision.”

  He held his breath. “Have you made one?”

  “It’s been three days.” She sat on the bed.

  “You live over a bar, you need to make one soon. You can’t raise a baby here.”

  “What has that got to do with anything?”

  He’d lived in some shitholes when his family first came out to L.A. until he got his first role. He wasn’t going to let his child be raised anywhere that wasn’t safe. “It’s convenient if you’re having a bad day, but drunk people can wander up here anytime they want. That’s not safe.”

  “I know everyone in that bar. It’s a military bar.”

  He wasn’t going to be distracted. “We’re getting off track. Do you think I’m father material?”

  “Your balls are too big.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  She shrugged. “I read an article that men with bigger testicles are good breeders, but not good nurturers.”

  “I have big nuts so I can’t be a good father?”

  “Don’t get snippy. I’m just throwing it out there.”

  Save him from science. He could be a good father. He could be anything he wanted to be. “You and Gavin.”

  “Do you want to be a father?”

  He had no idea. “Hell if I know. All I can think about is that you could have died tonight.”

  “I get that you wanted to save me. I appreciate that, but I’m the bodyguard. I handle the danger.”

  In his logical mind he knew that, but his instinct demanded he protect her. “So you aren’t mad at me anymore?”

  “I’m still mad but I think you were brave today.”

  Oh his ego just got a hand job. “You think I’m brave?”

  “I do.”

  He started to unbutton his shirt. “Do I get a reward?”

  “Is that all you think about?”

  She didn’t say no. His cock went into overdrive. He’d missed her the last three days. “When I’m around you.”

  “You have no shame.”

  He put his knee on the bed. “Pretty much no.”

  * * *

  DAY FORTY of my captivity and it’s been three long days since Declan got her all hot and bothered. And she missed it. Missed him in her bed, in her. She shouldn’t, but she did. He was becoming an addiction.

  “You aren’t laughing at me are you?”

  “Don’t be so sensitive.”

  “I’m naked here and you’re laughing.”

  “You and your junk are no laughing matter.” She took a gander at said junk. His penis was a work of art. Long and thick with a mushroom head and just a drop of pre-cum on the tip. She sighed. That was going to be inside of her. Jane you lucky girl.

  He took her hand and pulled her to her feet. He slipped her pink dress off her shoulderd and the silky material slid down her body and pooled at her feet He had the most intense expression on his face as he reached behind her and unhooked her bra. Gently he moved the strap over her injured arm. Frankly she was so excited she didn’t feel any pain. Or it could have just been her high pain tolerance. She didn’t have time to analyze it. He leaned over and gently kissed the tops of each naked breast. His gentleness surprised her. He normally was a hard driving passionate lover, who liked to wring everything out of her. She liked it. Slowly he bent on his knees and dragged her thong slowly down her legs. His palms slid over her skin and a shiver of desire raced through her body. Then he lifted each foot as he took her panties off.

  Declan stared at her stomach. He reached up and placed his hand on her skin. Then he leaned his forehead on his hand. She could hear his raspy breath as the seconds ticked by. If Jane didn’t know better, she’d think he was trying to sense the baby. Was he okay with being a dad? He’d been extremely unpushy about her making a decision. Which really surprised her. And in a strange way made her like him more.

  He slid his hand off of her stomach and then he began to place gentle kisses on her belly. For a second she felt a sheer moment of panic. This wasn’t just passion this was tenderness. She didn’t want to like it but she did. Her body began to shake and her hand sunk into his hair. She thought she was going to yank his hair and pull his mouth away from her stomach, but she didn’t. Her eyes fluttered closed and she let herself enjoy the sensation of his gentle kisses. Her body swayed and he reached around and grabbed her butt cheeks to steady her. Then he blew a raspberry on her stomach and she giggled. Secretly she loved the fact that he could make her giggle. He made her feel feminine and girly. Or maybe it was that he made her feel safe enough to feel these things. They shared a fair amount of secrets. Nothing really major, but still she told him things in the dark of night that she rarely told anyone. That required a level of trust she wasn’t used to giving to a lot of people. But she didn’t want to think about things like that, she wanted to get laid.

  Declan kissed his way up her body again until his lips met hers. He lifted her up. “Wrap your legs around me.”

  She did what he wanted interested to see and feel what he’d get out of her tonight. It was always a
thrill.

  Then he gave her a long passionate kiss and moved them to her bed. He shifted their bodies and then he laid her down. Her head hit her pillows. “Stay right here.

  Where was she supposed to go, Shreveport?

  He got up and dug through his pants pulling out a condom. He put it on and got back on the bed, spreading her legs then crawling between them.

  “What are you going to do to me tonight?”

  “I’m going to kiss every inch of your body.”

  “Where you going to start?”

  “Anywhere I want.”

  “Smartass.”

  “Buttercup you don’t know half the story.”

  “Buttercup?” She grabbed his cock.

  “You’re right. Not quite you.”

  She began to move her hand up his hard flesh using her thumb to rub the tip. She could feel his heat through the thin material of the condom. “Good answer.”

  His body shuddered. “You keep doing that and I’ll be done soon.”

  She gave him a few hard tugs and he groaned.

  Declan grabbed her wrist and forced her to stop. “This is my show.”

  Hell every show was his. She let him go and her hand fell on the bed next to her. “What am I allowed to do?”

  “Lay there and enjoy me.”

  “What if I want to touch you?”

  “Don’t.”

  “You’re bossy.”

  He flashed her the Golden God smile. “I am.”

  “So shut up and do me.”

  Declan leaned over and kissed her mouth. He nipped her bottom lip, then moved his mouth across her face. He licked her ears and worked his way down her throat. Jane found she was having a hard time staying still. As he kissed her his hand roamed her body. Her breasts, her stomach, her legs. Jane closed her eyes and let the sensation of him touching her skin travel over her. Her toes curled when he dragged his fingers over her stomach and she sucked in a quick breath.

  She felt comfortable with him. She liked him. More than she should. Every first impression she had of him was thrown out of the window. As well as he portrayed the spoiled rock star to the world, he was a decent man. He was a good friend. A good son. He was the most outstanding lover she’d ever had.