I Hate Myself For Loving You

by Simone Harlow

  Jocelyn raised her hand. “We aren’t ganging up on you.”

  “Of course not.” Jane smiled and took her cup from the processor. “Let me finish breakfast and we can chat.” She took the lid off of the cup and chugged down her smoothie the nasty taste almost making her gag. What she was doing for this baby. She wanted a waffle and a gallon of coffee and some maple bacon. Not this shit. But iron was an issue she needed to contend with. She pressed the button on the coffee maker and went to sit down. “What can I do for you?” She sat down at the breakfast nook and the other women joined her there. Charlotte walked over and prepared three cups of coffee. “How are you feeling?”

  “Are we going to have a Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes moment?”

  “Do you want to?” Charlotte squealed with delight.

  “No.” Jane grimaced. She wasn’t sure if it was because of this lousy smoothie or the thought of getting all emotionally naked this early in the morning. She did see that Cherry and Jocelyn looked relieved. Charlotte however seemed disappointed.

  “Good.” Jocelyn whispered.

  “But if you need to …” Charlotte said hopefully.

  Cherry rolled her eyes. “Then let’s dispense with the bullshit, what are you planning on doing with Declan?”

  “Rein it in Cherry,” Jocelyn said.

  Jane didn’t really have an answer for them. “Until his stalker is neutralized, nothing.”

  Cherry studied her for a moment. “You mean to tell me you aren’t making any plans?”

  “I have a job to do. Anything else can be put on hold.” That was the truth, she had time to think about things.

  Cherry pursed her lips, she didn’t seem happy with that answer. “How the hell did this happen?”

  Jocelyn sighed. “It’s Declan.”

  That pretty much was all that needed to be said.

  Cherry was not letting this go anytime soon. “What about Fox? He wants to be in your life.”

  There was that familiar gut tightening sensation again.

  “I’m not going to hurt him, but honestly everything’s changed since I found out he didn’t kick my mother to the curb.”

  Charlotte asked. “How so?”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I spent a lot of years blaming him for his part in my mother’s death.”

  “He loved her with everything he had.”

  “You knew her?”

  Cherry flushed. “I was with Abe Lowe, his drummer at the time, scheming my way into Fox’s bed, but he didn’t have any interest in anyone else while he was with her.”

  Part of her wanted to know how things were between her father and her mother. “You didn’t like her?”

  “She was beautiful, sweet, classy, and madly in love with him. I hated her guts.”

  Jocelyn’s mouth flew open. “Jesus, Cherry this is not a time for brutal honesty.”

  “I can take it.” Jane preferred the truth.

  “I didn’t figure you’d want me to sugar coat it.”

  Jane liked Cherry. She was straight up. “Not really.”

  “You look just like her.”

  But that was the past, she needed to concentrate on the present. “So how are Malcolm and Fox doing?”

  Shaking her head Cherry answered. “Confused is the word I’d use.”

  “I didn’t want things to go this way.”

  “How did you picture them going?”

  Jane studied the inlaid tiles of the table top. “I’d meet Malcolm, save Declan, buy a house and go onto the next job.” That really was her plan.

  “Now you have a dad, a brother, a baby, and a boyfriend.” Charlotte smiled.

  Jane shook her head. She was not going there. “Declan is not my boyfriend. Nor do I believe he ever will be.”

  “You don’t think he’s father material?” Cherry bristled.

  Did Jane just insult her? “Declan is what Declan wants to be.”

  “I think he would be an exceptional father.” That was Charlotte always thinking the best of people.

  “I fucked up. In more ways than one on this job. Mick should send me packing, but he didn’t mostly because Declan won’t let him, but I should have gone.”

  Jocelyn sipped her coffee. “He likes you. You make him toe the line.”

  Cherry agreed. “He does get that he’s in danger.”

  “She is very firm with him.” Charlotte said.

  Cherry leaned back in the high back chair. “You don’t think your personal relationship will interfere with you protecting him?”

  Not one damn bit. “I will not hesitate to put myself in the way of his stalker.”

  “What about the baby?” Charlotte leaned forward.

  “Pregnant women are just a deadly as any man.”

  “But--”

  Jane held up a hand stopping Charlotte. “My personal involvement makes me even more lethal.”

  “What does that mean?” Cherry asked.

  “I will not hesitate to use deadly force to protect him or anyone in this house. Just because I’m a pregnant doesn’t make me weak.”

  “Well of course that’s your job.” Charlotte patted her hand.

  “No one hurts what’s mine. You are all mine now.” And Jane meant that.

  Cherry smiled. “Thank you.”

  “And speaking of that. My mother and father are celebrating their anniversary this weekend. I did tell them I met Fox and they would like all of you to come to the shindig.”

  “How do your parents feel about the baby?” Jocelyn asked.

  She wasn’t ready for that yet. “They don’t know yet, because I haven’t made a decision.”

  “I’m in no position to give you advice, being a baby mama before the term was even coined, but you are going to have to come up with one soon.”

  For the first time she felt as if her and Cherry were on the same page. “I know.”

  Charlotte smiled. “I’m here for you.”

  “Me too.” Jocelyn nodded.

  “Anything you need Jane.” Cherry said.

  “Thank you.” Jane stood. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but all this girl talk has made me feel like I need to punch something.”

  “Gavin tells me your teaching them all self-defense.”

  Jane couldn’t help by smile. “He’s the most fun student I’ve ever had.”

  Cherry sighed. “I’m taking that in a positive light.”

  “Please do.” Jane meant it

  * * *

  DECLAN LISTENED to the last note of Travis’s new song faded away. “I like that but I think we could punch up the drum riff.”

  Gavin nodded but seemed miles away. Shit the boys wanted to have talk time. “Fuck me,” he whispered.

  Malcolm elbowed him. “They want to deal with the elephant in the room.”

  If only it were just one elephant. “It’s an entire herd.”

  “You wanna go first?”

  Hell no, Declan thought. “I don’t want to talk about it. You?”

  Malcolm checked his watch. “Fox wants me to go to a meeting with him. I think I’m going.”

  Coward. “I wish I had an alcoholic dad.”

  “Right now I’m grateful.” He stood. “Hey I’ll catch you guys later. I’m going to hang out with Fox.”

  “Where you going?” Shane asked.

  Malcolm almost looked convincing. “A meeting.”

  Gavin lifted a drum stick. “Yeah man, talk to you later.”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  Every pair of the eyes in the room watched Malcolm leave. After the door to the ballroom shut Declan counted off a whole four seconds before the first question was launched at him.

  “How you doin’ man?” Shane got up walked across the room and sat in Malcolm’s abandoned chair. What could he say. “I’m cool.”

  Travis put his guitar away. “How far along is Jane?”

  “A few weeks.”

  Gavin took a sip of water. “What’
s she going to do”

  He wished he had an answer. “She’s not sure.”

  “You okay with that?” Shane asked.

  He lifted his hands. “I’m going to have to be.”

  “Are you going to marry her?” Travis was so romantic.

  “Did she look like she wanted to marry me?” Deep down he thought she was still mad she’d got knocked up.

  “I think she wants to kill you.” Leave it to Shane to throw that truth out there.

  “We’re working through it.” The last couple of days had been calm. He’d even told her about the stalker’s phone call and she was only mad at him for a couple of hours. They seemed to have come to some kind of peace agreement, and he felt closer to her every day.

  Shane leaned on his guitar. “You and Malcolm okay?”

  “We will be.” Malcolm still had some things to work out and Declan was giving him his space, but they would be okay.They’d weathered too much shit to let this stand in the middle of their friendship.

  “Fox is really her dad?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I knew it. I knew you two were going at it like rabbits.” Gavin pointed his drum stick at him.

  Travis at least looked like he understood. “No one blames you. She’s a beautiful woman.”

  “Thanks man, but I didn’t think I’d get her pregnant. I would have bet my last royalty check that Charlotte would be knocked up by now.”

  Travis frowned. “I’m trying, but she refuses to get pregnant until that ring is on her finger. She’s old fashioned like that.”

  It was almost comical how fast Travis had taken to being tamed, but deep down in a place he didn’t want to go he wondered how he’d be if Jane decided she wanted the ring, and the whole domestic bliss thing. Declan was afraid he’d be more than okay with it. “She wants the package. It’s a woman’s nature.”

  Gavin grinned. “No it’s biology.”

  Declan reached over and slapped Gavin’s arm. “I’m blaming you with all your talk about genetics, symmetry, and primal urges. No wonder I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

  Gavin smirked. “You pulled your zipper down all by yourself. But we are all slaves to nature.”

  “Stop with your Anthropology porn. Jane sounds just like you. She said my balls are too big to be a good father.”

  Shane eyebrows rose. “What? The Fuck?”

  “Did you measure your balls?” Travis asked.

  “Of course.”

  “And?” Travis leaned forward.

  There was going to be some ball measuring tonight. Which would have been funny if he hadn’t read the research himself.

  “According to Google I am on the larger size.”

  Travis starched his head. “That’s bullshit.”

  “Actually …” Gavin held up a hand

  “That shit is true?” Shane asked.

  Gavin nodded. “There has been some research …”

  “What?” Travis asked.

  Gavin put his drumsticks down. “A man who has larger testicles will produce more children because he has more sperm, so he is less likely to nurture them because he doesn’t have to. A man with smaller testicles will produce less sperm making conception harder so he is more invested in insuring his offspring’s survival, making sure his DNA is passed on.”

  Travis shook his head. “Jesus, you just look dumb.”

  “I disguise my genius. Women like me because I’m uncomplicated.” Gavin smiled.

  “Basically nature fucked him over.” Shane stated.

  “Science don’t play.” Gavin added.

  Apparently not, Declan thought.

  “Do you want to be a dad?” Travis asked.

  “It’s not the cluster fuck I thought it might be.”

  Shane took a sip of water. “Is your mom going to be okay with this?”

  Declan shrugged. “Her doctor seems to think she’ll roll with it.”

  “How did Jane handle things with your mom?” Travis asked.

  “Like it didn’t even matter.”

  Travis smiled. “That’s good right?”

  He nodded eternally grateful to Jane for being cool with his mom. “She really liked Jane.”

  “I really like Jane.” Gavin said.

  Shane slapped him on the arm. “You want to fuck her.”

  Gavin shuddered. “Well yeah I did, but like she’s my half-step-sister and Declan’s doing her and it’s kinda weird.

  Malcolm, well shit, it’s just weird.”

  “How did things go this weekend?” Shane asked.

  Gavin blew out a long breath. “Normally I like to pretend I’m clueless, but it was hard. Dad and Lana kept asking questions and Mom was trying to keep everyone in a fun mood.

  Fox looked like he wanted to cry all weekend and Malcolm said like ten words the entire time. I did a lot of surfing.”

  Declan cringed. “Dude I’m sorry.”

  “I’m cool, but don’t tell me, tell Malcolm.”

  “I did like eight hundred times.”

  “You know deep down he’s kinda a drama queen and likes to pout.”

  “Yeah but I don’t do things that make him mad.”

  “Malcolm does understand that you’re a slave to your dick and it doesn’t hurt that you want to do something about Jane and you’re still with her.”

  “We’re all surprised or is that she’s available for your raging lust?” Shane never shied away from the in your face question.

  Travis cringed. “Harsh man.”

  “No need to defend me, Travis. Shane is right. No one is more surprised than me. I like her.”

  “So if she keeps the baby you’re there.”

  Declan smiled. Maybe they should have a line of Scorned baby clothes. “Yeah man. A Scorned baby.”

  Gavin rubbed his hands together. “A new mind to corrupt.”

  “Gavin you’re not talking to my son until he’s ready for college.”

  “What if it’s a girl?” Travis asked.

  Shit he never thought about that. That would be awesome. Then the reality set in. “She’s not leaving my sight until she’s thirty, has an eighty degree black belt, and a fire arm.”

  “Declan having a daughter. Hehehehe.” Gavin smirked.

  “I don’t even want to go there.”

  Travis pushed his hands through his dark red hair. “That would be bad karma.”

  Declan rubbed his forehead. “Any of us having a daughter.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  JANE PUT the last piece of her Shrimp Po’boy into her mouth. Day forty nine of my captivity and she’d just finished the best sandwich of her life. She had locked herself away in Declan’s bedroom so she could be alone with her sandwich. Jesus this was so good.

  She and Declan had been back from L.A. for two days and for those endless days every bite of food was scrutinized. By Mick, Chill, Hoss, Twist, and Repo. Preach had nothing to say, but that was only because he was still on maternity leave. You’d think they were having this baby. They were on eggshells around her. Even in the training session they were taking it easy on her. There was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

  The door opened and Paige Ernest walked in. “Hey.”

  Jane was relieved to see her former West Point roomie and sometimes ops buddy. “Finally.”

  They hugged. “I had a job I couldn’t turn down.”

  “What kind of gig?”

  She jiggled her eyebrows. “One I can neither confirm or deny or even turn down.”

  She was doing a CIA job. “Shit. Good money?”

  She nodded. “Albanians can’t keep it in their pants.”

  “Thank God, right.”

  “Yeah so is it true?”

  Had the boys told Paige anything? She wanted to tell her friend. “What have you heard?”

  “Nothing, but tell me what put that guilty look on your face.”

  Paige was a human B. S. detector. “Nothing.”

  Paige scanned around the room. “There’
s only one bed.”

  “Maybe I sleep on the floor.”

  Paige shook her head. “Maybe you sleep with Declan Shaw.”

  Jane didn’t say anything.

  Paige raised her hands. “Your silence speaks volumes.”

  Jane gave her a nasty snarl. “Or maybe it says I can’t believe you said that shit.”

  “Yeah. Right.” She laughed. “Give it up.”

  It’s not like she wouldn’t find out sooner or later. “I’m sleeping with Declan Shaw, I ended up pregnant and Malcolm Elliot is my half-brother.”

  Paige tilted her head. “Is that all?”

  “You don’t seem shocked?”

  “I’m processing.” She sat down on the bed next to her.

  “Does Malcolm know?”

  “Everybody knows and dear old dad rented a house around the block. We are having dinner tonight.”

  Paige put her hand together in prayer. “Can I come? I want to be a fly on the wall. Because you never have drama. I want to see it so I not just imagining it.”

  “Just because you’re family is nothing but drama, doesn’t mean you can enjoy mine.” Paige’s former investment banker father was doing a stretch for investor fraud. Her mom just married a tennis pro who was barely twenty-five. Her celebutant sister had a sex tape floating around the internet.

  Straight arrow Paige was the family rebel. “I had to try. How are your mom and dad taking this?”

  “I haven’t told them.”

  “Why not? You can talk to them.”

  Which was true, but there was so much swirling around in their lives with the new baby and Jane’s family reunion, and Declan still had a target on his back, she was waiting for a calm moment. “I will as soon as I make a decision or until Declan’s safe.”

  “Addy’s going to be thrilled.”

  “I know, but I just dropped the Fox Elliot is in my life bomb so I think they might need a breather. Speaking of family their anniversary is Saturday. Par-tay at the Peterson’s.”

  “I’m in.” She grinned. “Even if Malcolm is your brother can I take him for a twirl?”

  “Please do, but have you met him yet?”

  She nodded. “Yeah he was checking me out. And I don’t blame you, this is the house of hotness.”

  “That it is.”

  “Are you and Declan together-together, because I’m informing the Alumni newsletter. You know you were voted most likely to bore someone to death.”