I now had more questions, and Ethan still hadn’t explained what had put him on edge in the first place. I should’ve been grateful Chrissy had been there to save my life, but now I was afraid Ethan felt indebted to her. And if she was there that meant she’d seen and spoken to Carson. What a fucking mess.
22
“She’s fine, Squirt. The doctor even said so.”
“I want to see Honor,” she demanded.
I looked over Carson’s head at my parents, hoping they held the answers I need to calm Carson down.
“I know you do. But you can see her tomorrow. You’re gonna go home with Pop and Gran—”
Carson moved and grabbed my face in both her tiny hands and looked me dead in the eyes.
“I want Honor, now,” she yelled.
“Okay, baby, I’ll take you to see her.”
I’d never seen fear like that in my daughter’s eyes. Not even while she was strapped into the back seat after the car accident. Sure, she’d been frightened, but it didn’t compare to the terror rolling off her now.
I scooped Carson up and held her close before I turned to my dad. “We’ll be right back.”
He gave me a chin lift, and my gaze slid to my mom, who was tucked against my dad’s side with tears glistening in her eyes. She nodded her approval, and I left the waiting area.
“You have to be very careful and not touch anything,” I told Carson. “There are a bunch of machines that may look scary—”
“Sir,” a nurse cut me off midsentence as I was opening the door to Honor’s room. “She can’t be back here.” The nurse motioned toward Carson.
“We’ll only be a minute. She’s scared and wants to check on her mom.”
The nurse looked from side to side before turning back to us. “Please be quick. Children are not allowed in this unit. And if someone catches you, we never had this talk.”
The woman turned on her heel and walked off down the corridor leaving us outside of Honor’s door.
“Did you decide, Daddy? Can Honor be my mom?” Carson asked.
“We have to talk to Honor about it, Squirt. She’s pretty mad at Daddy right now. I was a jerk this week and I hurt her feelings. I need to make things right with her. And you too. I’m sorry I was so grouchy.”
“It’s okay. Honor, I mean Mom, told me it was because you were sad you had to work at night and couldn’t tuck me in like you like to. And Pop always says when Gran is mad at him, he kisses her until she forgives him. I don’t understand how that works. I think it’s silly.”
I really didn’t want to think about how my father got my mom to forgive him when he was acting like an asshole. I was sure it entailed more than kissing and the images made me want to gag.
I opened the door and found Honor sleeping peacefully. I was getting ready to tell Carson she’d have to come back later, when her eyes opened. The scowl she’d worn earlier while talking to me turned into a breathtakingly beautiful smile.
“Hey, darlin’. How ya feeling?”
Carson remained frozen for a moment before she wiggled in my arms, wanting to be set on her feet.
“Remember, no touching anything,” I whispered.
Without looking at any of the machines, Carson marched to Honor’s bed and started to climb up.
“Carson—”
“She’s fine, Ethan. Help her up.”
I didn’t have to, Carson was already sitting on Honor’s left side looking her over.
“Does it hurt?” Carson asked.
“A little. But I’ll be okay. I even have a cool tube the doctor left in. I’m attached a machine that’s sucking out air from around my lung that shouldn’t be there. Wanna see?”
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea for Carson to see Honor’s chest tube, but I remained quiet, trusting Honor knew what was best for her.
“Wow. Does that hurt?”
“Nope. I can’t feel it at all. The doctor gave me special medicine to numb the area.” Honor brushed Carson’s hair from her forehead and turned to me. “You said she wasn’t hurt.”
The accusation in her tone was fierce. Just what you’d expect from a mother. How could I have been so fucking stupid? She loved Carson. She loved me. Why hadn’t I trusted her with my thoughts about Chrissy?
“She’s fine. The doctor said she hit herself in the head,” I explained.
“I’m sorry you were hurt.” Honor brought Carson close and kissed the bruise on her head. “I was really scared. Were you?”
“Yes,” Carson told her. “I wanted to go up front with you, but I wasn’t allowed out of my seatbelt. The doctor told me she needed me to help her and stay in the back, so she could get you out of the car.”
“That was really brave of you. Thank you for helping her.”
“Then Daddy came. You were scared, too, weren’t you Daddy?”
“Yes, Squirt. I was very scared. My two best girls were in an accident and hurt.”
When had Carson grown up? It felt like yesterday she was learning how to walk. Then suddenly she was running. The years seemed to have slid by in the blink of an eye.
“Then Daddy argued with the doctor but he let her shine a tiny flashlight in my eyes and she checked me all over before she let him take me out of the car.”
Honor’s face had turned to stone.
“She checked you?” Honor asked then pinned me with a pissed off look. “Did she get checked in the ER?”
I would’ve rolled my eyes at her if I hadn’t been so taken by her concern.
“Yes. As soon as you were taken up to surgery, she had a full battery of tests. She’s fine.”
Not to be deterred, Carson continued with her story. “Then we got in the ambulance with you and the doctor. Daddy was holding me so tight all his stuff was poking me. But I didn’t care because when all the beeping started I was scared.”
Honor looked to me to fill in the holes. I wanted to wait to explain what had happened in the ambulance and the role Chrissy had played until after Honor had gotten some much-needed sleep. But by the look she was giving me, I no longer had that option.
“Your lung collapsed, and it was straining your heart. That’s when the first chest tube was put in.”
Honor nodded then returned her focus to Carson.
“That had to have been really scary. I’m sorry you had to see it.”
“I didn’t see it. Daddy told me to close my eyes. I only heard it,” Carson informed her.
“Well, either way, I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t want you to die,” Carson blurted out and started to cry.
“Come here.” Honor opened her arm as wide as she could and waited until Carson’s head rested on her chest. “I’m not going to die. The doctors and nurses did a great job patching me up, darlin’. I’m not going anywhere.”
Relief washed over me hearing Honor’s last statement. Even if it was only meant to reassure Carson, I’d take it. I’d do my damnedest to make sure I proved to Honor she could trust me. I let the two of them lay in silence for a few minutes before I told Carson it was time to go. Honor needed to rest, and I didn’t want to push our luck with the nurse. Especially since I planned on breaking the rule again tomorrow. Carson needed to see Honor, just as much as she needed to see Carson. And I damn well needed all three of us together.
“Daddy said you were mad at him for being a jerk,” Carson not-so-helpfully announced. I bit back a curse, and my daughter barreled on. “He said he has to make things right with us before you forgive him and can be my mom. He said he was sorry to me. So, I forgave him. I told him to kiss you like Pop kisses Gran, and you’ll forgive him too.”
Shit, motherfucker, damn. Honor was going to be so mad at me and think I was trying to use Carson to get to her.
“Carson, that’s not exactly what I said.”
“Yes, it is. You told the nurse I wanted to see my mom. Then you said, Honor was mad. Then you said, before we can talk to her about being my mom you had to make things right.”
&n
bsp; Jesus, the little parrot had me, but she was not helping my case.
“Okay. That is exactly what I said. How about you let me and Honor talk, yeah?”
“Okay,” she easily agreed. “When do you get to come home?”
“I’m not sure, darlin’,” Honor croaked then cleared her throat. “Maybe you can come see me tomorrow after school.”
“Can I, Daddy?”
“Absolutely. Gran can bring you by when she picks you up. Now, let’s get you back to Gran and Pop so you can go home and get some dinner, and Honor can rest.”
“I love you, Honor.”
“I love you, Carson.”
I helped Carson off the bed and didn’t miss Honor wiping a tear as it rolled down her cheek.
“I’ll be right back,” I told her.
She opened her mouth to argue but closed it and nodded.
It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d argued or not. I was not leaving this hospital without her. It was one of the many ways I was going to prove to her how much she meant to me. Getting her to trust me again, was a whole ’nother battle, which would take longer than a few days.
I said goodbye to my aunts and uncles, promising frequent updates, then I was left with my parents.
“I can’t thank you enough,” I told my dad.
“No other place we’d be,” he said. “Now, fix this, son.”
“I’m going to.”
His hand clapped on my shoulder and squeezed. “I know you will.”
My mom gave me a hug and patted my check. “Love you, boy.”
“Love you, Mama.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Daddy,” Carson added.
I knelt in front of her and opened my arms. She stepped in and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you, Squirt. I’m sorry I’m staying here tonight.”
“It’s okay. Gran told me that Honor needs all your love right now, so she can get better and come home.”
“Yeah, she does. She’ll be home before we know it, and we can spoil her.”
“Can I make her cookies?”
“You sure can.”
“Night, Daddy. I’ll miss you.”
“Miss you, too. Be a good girl.”
By the time I made my way back to Honor’s room she was asleep. I sat back down in the chair next to her bed and did exactly what I told her I was going to do; I watched her sleep.
I’d like to think I was fairly self-aware and could recognize my shortcomings. I’d been wrong. I hadn’t seen nor understood them until Lorenz, my parents, and Honor pointed them out to me. And even after they had, I still stubbornly thought I was doing the right thing.
Honor sighed in her sleep, and I vowed to make this right. Once again, I thought about what my father had told me. I hated to admit it, but he was right. The last eight years, I’d been content. Happy being a father, loving on Carson. However, I’d never known bone-deep, soul-consuming love. Now that I had, I wasn’t going to let it go. I was going hold on to it for dear life, fight for it until my dying breath, nurture it, and wrap myself in it until there is no beginning or end to it.
Honor would be my wife, Carson’s mom, and the mother of our future children. That, I was sure of. It was time I opened up to her and let her see the real me—all the ugly secrets I kept hidden from the world. She deserved nothing less.
23
I woke up disoriented and uncomfortable. It took me a moment to get my bearings and remember I was in the hospital. Ethan was next to me, softly snoring. He was still sitting in the same chair from last night, and I winced at the angle of his head. He looked more uncomfortable than I felt, But, even in his slumber, he was handsome. Damn him for driving a wedge between us.
I thought back to what Carson had said yesterday, and my heart constricted. Ethan had told the nurse he was taking Carson to see her mom. A week ago I would’ve been thrilled. Now? I was angry he was trying to manipulate my feelings about Carson to his advantage. The realization only strengthened my resolve. I would not let him use Carson to get me to forgive him. Once bitten, twice shy.
The accident only proved to me that life was short, everything could be gone in the blink of an eye. The somber reality may’ve woken him up and made him think about the past week and how stupid he’d been pushing me away. But the near-death experience had sobered me, and now I knew, more than ever, I wanted more. As much as I’d loved my mom, I wouldn’t allow my life to end like hers: one husband who repeatedly promised a better life, then another who promised the world only to put her through hell. Why had my mom resigned herself to an existence full of empty words? Whenever reasons she had, I wasn’t going there.
“Morning, smalls. How are you feeling?” Ethan’s sleep roughened voice pulled me from my thoughts.
As immature as it was, I wasn’t ready to talk to him, so I shrugged my answer and turned my head away from him. Why was he doing this? Why now? After days of grunts and one-word answers. I’d given him the out he’d needed to sort his shit out. I was finally getting my life on course. I’d moved out of Frank’s house with a determination to make it on my own and, stupidly, I’d fallen for my landlord, putting me back into a situation of having to rely on someone else. So fucking stupid.
“Why are you really here?” I asked, wanting to get the argument we were about to have over with. He needed to leave. I needed to use this time to think, which was hard to do with Ethan sitting vigil.
“I already told you why.”
“No, you haven’t. I want to know why, after days of not speaking to me, suddenly you love me and don’t want to leave my side. You had no issues leaving me alone the last several days.”
The sleep crept from his eyes, replaced with pure anger. His face turned to granite, and his eyes narrowed. “Suddenly? There is no suddenly about it. I have never stopped loving you. And I’m here because I’m going to prove to you I’ve learned from my mistakes. Remember when we started this, and I told you I was going to need patience? This is one of those times. I know I owe you more than an apology. I owe you honesty, something I’m prepared to give you. But, Honor, you need to understand this, I was never going to let you move out of the house without a fight. And I still won’t. I will use everything within my power to make you stay.”
“Like Carson? That wasn’t cool the way you flipped everything around and made it seem like I didn’t want to be her mom. Let’s not forget it was you that said you weren’t ready for anyone to be her mom.”
“I did say that, and I regret it. I hope after I explain everything to you, you’ll understand and forgive me. If you don’t, I’ll try harder. And for the record, I’m not using Carson. Last night I tried to tell Carson she had to wait to see you. She nearly screamed the waiting room down. She wasn’t leaving until she could talk to you. When the nurse stopped us in the hall and told me children weren’t allowed back, I said what was natural—she wanted to see her mom. Carson asked if that meant you were going to be her mom. I admitted I messed up, and you were mad at me. I also told her I had to make things right with you before we talked about her request again.”
I was still pissed, however, there was a twinge of guilt for thinking the worst of him. I knew how protective he was of Carson and accusing him of using her was out of bounds. I knew better.
“Will you tell me more about Chrissy and why she was following me?”
There was no sense putting off this conversation nor trying to talk about how he’d behaved the last few days if we didn’t address her presence. The truth was, I’d rather gouge my eyeballs out with a hot poker than talk about her, but it was time to rip the scab off, even if I’d be the one bleeding.
“Before we start, do you need anything? Pain medicine? Anything?”
“Are you stalling?”
“No, Honor. I’m trying to make sure my woman is comfortable and not in pain before we talk. And I’m going to get a cup of coffee and wake up a little. Then I’m going lay it all out for you.”
That was nice. It’d been a long time sin
ce someone cared about my comfort.
“I’d like a cup of coffee, too, if I’m allowed.”
“I’ll ask on my way past the nurse’s station. Be right back.”
He stood and stretched, the hem of his T-shirt rode up, exposing a sliver of mouth-watering flesh. I may’ve been laid up in a hospital bed, pissed off at him, but I wasn’t dead. There was no doubt Ethan Lenox was a fine example of male sexiness.
“I love you, Honor.” He winked and leaned down to kiss my forehead.
He strode out the door, and I couldn’t bring myself to care he’d caught me checking him out. Now that I was alone in my room, nerves set in and had me questioning my reasoning for bringing Chrissy up first thing in the morning. I’d always heard the saying, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, and the more I thought about the possible answers, the less I wanted them. Then there was the added complication that the woman had saved my life. Of all the people in the world who could’ve been there to help me it had to be her.
“Good morning, Honor.” A chipper nurse walked into my room. “I’m Betty. I’ll be your nurse today.”
“Hi, Betty.” I smiled back, her friendly disposition infectious.
“Where’s your pain level, sweetie?” she asked as she looked at one of the many monitors surrounding my bed.
“About a six.”
“I’ll get you something,” she said and started to pump up the blood pressure cuff around my bicep.
“Please don’t. Not yet. The pain medicine puts me to sleep, and I just woke up.”
I didn’t want to tell her it was because I wanted to hear what Ethan had to say and I’d need my wits about me.
She removed her stethoscope from my arm and tucked it into the pocket of her scrubs before she gave me an apprising once over. “Not that I blame you, wanting to be awake with a fiancé as handsome as yours, but you can’t get behind the pain. Your body needs to recover and the best way for that to happen is if you are relaxed and not hurting.” She walked around the foot of the bed. Coming to my right side, she pulled back my hospital gown and checked my chest tube. “Everything looks great. I told Ethan you could have one cup of coffee. I’ll make you a deal. We’ll wait on your pain meds until breakfast is served.”
Chasing Honor (The Next Generation Book 2) Page 17