No Life, Only Death

by Francheska Fifield

  I smiled. Play him like a fiddle. The story of my life. Life’s a stage and I’m a constant player.

  “I think it’s time for me to exit stage right.” I stood and strode out the door, waving bye to Helen as I did. I saw her nod in my direction but she wouldn’t look away from Nick. She was a good actress as well.

  (Helen)

  “So, what can I do for you? Is it time to go to the next store yet?”

  He shook his head and I looked down into my lap. I played with the bag holding my purchase and realized I was nervous. Oh hell, of course I was. I didn’t do this, except on a job. I almost never played the shy girl. Silent, maybe, but definitely not shy.

  “No, it’s not time to go.”

  I figured we had established that with the head shaking but he seemed to be at a loss of what to say, so I didn’t mention it.

  “Why do you feel foolish?”

  I smiled, even my smile felt shy. Christ, I was getting as bad as those lunkhead girls out in the store shopping.

  “Well, kissing someone I have known a short time that I like, and have no idea if he likes me back, seems like a good enough reason to me. Besides, I was slightly embarrassed because I don’t often kiss people. I’ve had to as part of my undercover, but to be honest, I just pretend it’s not me doing it and focus on getting close to the person, so I can kill them or whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. That probably makes you want to run in the opposite direction of me. I really need to learn to shut my mouth. I have no patience.”

  He smiled.

  “If you are a successful undercover agent, I doubt that is true.”

  I shook my head and tried to keep my face neutral, blank.

  “That’s true, I guess.” I looked up and back down very quickly. I realized again that I was playing with my bag and stopped. I clasped my hands in my lap and tried to think embarrassing thoughts to keep myself looking embarrassed. Thinking about going up and kissing him worked well enough.

  “I’ve given it some thought. I know there are things you can't tell me about your job. I can accept that. I also know that you might have to do things that I, as your boyfriend, wouldn’t approve of. But if we dated I would trust that it would be just business. But, there are some things you might not have thought of.”

  “Like what?”

  “I love Celeste, I always have, I always will. Sometimes, when I look at you, I might see her. I will see you too, but I might see her as well. I can't stop it. You look… I mean... Anyway, I have continued to live in hopes of getting revenge, and I won't give that up for anyone. You have your reasons for doing what you do and I have mine. I wouldn’t want you to change that, so don’t expect me to. We have our issues, our pasts, and we both need to work on letting go, to an extent. Maybe we both need to find some happiness and maybe we can provide that for each other. I do like you. Not just because of the whole Celeste thing. Now I know you like me.”

  I rolled my eyes. Given what I had done, that was the understatement of the century.

  “So, if you want to give this a try and you are okay with going slow, then I would like very much to take you to the dance.”

  I had some things I wanted to say. Like how he made it sound like we were using each other instead of actually liking each other, but I didn’t want to be difficult. This was the goal and he was playing along nicely, so I swallowed my protests and nodded.

  “I’d like that.”

  He nodded and sat down next to me. This was weird. I felt a bit embarrassed and a bit afraid. Okay, not afraid, but unsure. What did you do with a new boyfriend? I tried to think back to what I had done when we had dated before. But that was different. We had started dating as children, which everyone knows isn't really dating. You play together in the playground, have picnics and go to each other’s house to play. Meaning, everything that normal friends do.

  But we had taken it from there and gotten more serious as we got older; soon it was assumed we were dating because we were always together. We were okay with that. As we aged our relationship developed on its own. This was very different. Maybe we could start with common ground.

  Revenge. That was all I could think of. I couldn't go into detail about my past, so that was out, and I wasn't going to use me as common ground. That left our need for revenge. Man, what sick twisted people we were. Revenge is what we have in common. What kind of relationship was this?

  “You don’t expect to live through your revenge, do you?”

  He smiled sadly and looked down at his hands in his lap.

  “Not all of us are as lucky as you.”

  “I wasn't lucky. Phillip came after me on his own. I didn’t know he would. I was hoping no one would. I figured if I died it would all be over. I was hoping for an end to it all at that point.”

  “You were close to your flight mates that died, huh?”

  “Yes, but not close enough to wish for death. No, my wish was from before. My life hadn’t gone exactly to plan up to that point and watching all my friends die was the last straw. If I had died I wouldn’t have to remember what life was like before.” Okay, so I was on dangerous ground. But if I wanted information from him I would have to give some on me, and I wasn't going to go too far.

  “What happened to you that death was so welcome?”

  “What happened to you to make you wish for death?”

  He shrugged.

  “When I lost Celeste, I blamed myself. I kept thinking if I had been there I could have done something to save her. Maybe, if it was impossible, I could have killed her to spare her going through everything. I don’t know if I could have actually done that, but thinking about what she went through... I read the report on her death. She was mangled, almost beyond the point of identifying her. She was raped, they were sure of that. Beaten. I can't imagine what she must have felt. If I could have saved her from that, even if death was the only way to do it, I would have.

  “Later I mourned her loss so much that I believed I could never be happy again. I thought about taking my own life. Then I decided that I would live. I would live and I would kill as many of the alien scum as I could, and I would die fighting them, as she had. I figured it was fitting. I thought maybe it would even get me into heaven so I could be with her again. That maybe she would forgive me if I died the same way she did.”

  I nodded. I really wanted to cry. But I couldn't let myself. That didn’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. Even had he not been talking about me I would have felt sorry for him. His circumstances were coincidental. Yet he blamed himself.

  “Do you think you will ever love like that again?”

  He looked up and over at me. I raised my head to look at him. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't exactly turn them off.

  “I don’t think you can love that deeply more than once. I think you have only one soulmate. I know Celeste was mine. Maybe you can find someone you can be happy with, someone that you can love, but I don’t think you can find a soulmate more than once.”

  I looked down and nodded. “I hope I never feel that.”

  “You don’t want to be happy?”

  “I don’t want to love and lose. I’ve had enough. Love makes life harder. It makes you stupid, sloppy, and emotional. I can't afford any of those things.”

  “So, this is what just a way to waste time?”

  He gestured between him and me with his hand. I knew where this was going.

  “I could ask you the same.”

  “I guess you could. No, I wouldn’t pursue this if I wasn't interested.”

  “But you think I would. I have more to lose than you. My star, my handler, my job, basically my life. Besides, you’re the one who intends to date me and then when the time comes tell me ‘sorry but I have to commit suicide for my dead girlfriend’.”

  So much for keeping my opinions to myself. Normally I was much better at this. I kept that thought in my head as I tried to get a hold over my tongue.

  “And you intend to risk everything you men
tioned for a permanent relationship with me? The revenge you’re out to get. Your position in the military and private organization. Phillip tells me you aren't allowed anything more than one night stands. I respect that you chose not to take what was offered. Most people would seek out that company. You didn’t want it if it wasn't real. I just don’t see you giving everything up to have a relationship with me, or anyone for that matter. Isn't that why you never took Phillip up on his offer?”

  “No. I never took Phillip up on his offer because, despite the fact that we agreed we would seek each other out for the comfort of another person, I didn’t want to complicate our relationship like that. I didn’t know he liked me, so when I wondered what would happen, one of the things I wondered was whom he would picture me as. I couldn't be with him and not think of someone else, so I wouldn’t do it. Knowing how he feels just makes me more determined because I couldn't hurt him like that. He’s my friend. He’s always there for me and I won't abuse that.”

  He nodded.

  “That’s very noble of you. Not at all like a bounty hunter assassin. How did you find yourself choosing that profession?”

  “I didn’t. It chose me.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  Sometimes. Yes. No. How the hell should I know? I decided to allow my hands to fidget again. It would give me something to focus on. “No. Regrets hold you back. I want to move forward.” Good save. Good answer. True, at least partially.

  “And the guy you would have pictured Phillip as?”

  “He’s not a part of my life anymore.” Uncomfortable. That’s how I felt right now. Very uncomfortable. I didn’t like where this conversation was going. Too close to home. Quite literally home.

  “By his choice or yours?”

  What was he my therapist? “Does it matter?”

  He shrugged and looked at his hands, which he was fidgeting with in his lap. He was obviously feeling weird as well. So, why the hell was he pursuing this?

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, if you decided to cut him out then you would probably get over him, or as much as possible. If it was his decision, then you could still be stuck on him.”

  “Like you’re stuck on Celeste?” I really didn’t have a hold of my tongue today. Normally I could do whatever a job required and not fuck it up, this time I wasn’t being so skillful, or lucky.

  “For some reason, I can tell already that we aren't going to get very far in this relationship.”

  “Because you’re stuck on your lost love, and I have decided to put the past behind me and move on, and you think that my job will interfere.”

  It wasn't really a question even though that’s how it came out sounding. It was more of a fact.

  “Maybe… yeah, I guess so.”

  “So, in the course of a half an hour we have gone from deciding to go to the dance together and take our relationship slow, to breaking up. Great, that must be some kind of world record or something.”

  I was about to continue - with more sarcasm - when Phillip came in. He opened his mouth to say something then looked from one of us to the other. He closed it again for a minute before saying anything.

  “What the hell is going on in here?”

  I figured that wasn't what he had originally come in here to say, but figuring I’d keep him up to speed, I decided to be honest.

  “I’m being dumped right after being asked out.”

  Phillip wanted to say something mean to Nick, I could tell, but he didn’t. For once he chose diplomacy.

  “It’s time to go. The teachers sent me to get you two. Finally, all those stupid children have made their purchases. I swear if they take this long to decide to fire at the enemy, the world is doomed. There is no room for indecision in the military. This is why I never joined up. Anyway, since you two are having difficulties, why don’t I pair up with Helen and Nick you can have Missy.”

  Before Nick could say we needed to talk I agreed and got up, then went over to Phillip, taking his arm. I was not in the mood to talk to Nick. He followed us out, realizing it would make no difference if he protested or not.

  Missy saw me on Phillip’s arm and was about to have a fit when she realized - she might have a brain after all - that that left Nick free. So, she smiled; I expected to hear a purr escape her lips by the smug expression she wore, and coiled her way around Nick’s arm. He seemed to ignore her and I looked away. I almost felt bad for him, but not quite, as I hoped she would be particularly annoying.

  We exited the building and moved on. This one was a dress shop. I figured the teachers wanted the girls - knowing how long it takes them to pick out an outfit - to get an idea of what they liked today so that they wouldn’t have to spend so long in the shop tomorrow.

  “Want to help me pick out a dress, Phillip? You know more about this stuff than I do and Jane threatened to kill me if I showed up at the ball in dress slacks.”

  “Sure. First of all, coloring. Something green. Yeah, let’s go over there.”

  I shrugged; I didn’t really care, as long as I didn’t have to pick the damn thing out.

  “So, you going to tell me what the hell happened? From what I could tell he was stringing along nicely.”

  “He wanted to date me, until the day he could ditch me and commit suicide for Celeste’s memory.”

  “And you mentioned this? Helen…”

  “I only mentioned it after he mentioned that I was using him to waste time, since I couldn't have anything more than a one night stand, which you put in his head by the way. Meaning this isn't entirely my fault. He pushed so I pushed back. You know me. This playacting isn't me. I hate undercover stuff. That’s why I only do it when you need a partner.”

  “I know but this is important. Your identity is at stake.”

  “Look, Bill already made a move and I thwarted it. I don’t think he’ll try anything else until he can get proof of my identity. The only reason I was going along with this crackpot idea was as backup. You know, like insurance in case Bill did spill the beans even without evidence. Or in case he did get evidence. He’s stooping to try and get me to confess, so he’s at his ropes end, and I don’t have to go through all this shit.”

  “All right, then how about being my prom date?”

  I laughed. “I never got to have a prom. Did you?”

  “No. I was in the revenge business by then. Finished my education under tutors hired by Gabe.”

  “Yeah, same here. Jane spared no expense but I wonder what my prom would have been like. If my hometown hadn’t been destroyed, anyway.”

  “Do you wonder what a prom would have been like, or what going to the prom with him would have been like?”

  Phillip raised his eyebrows as he asked. I thought about it for a second and smiled.

  “Just a prom in general. The people I picture planning it would have made some stupid decision as to theme, and I would have spent the entire time making fun of it with my dork friends.”

  Phillip laughed. “Sounds great. Maybe I could have crashed the party, met you, and swept you off your feet. Would have married you on the spot before you could protest.”

  “It would have been around now you know. So, it’s more like you would be crashing the party. I don’t know about the rest. I don’t just fall for anyone. I had plenty of offers as a young teen. It was my hair, or my eyes. Point is, you’d have competition.”

  “But none would be a handsome foreigner from Earth, come to sweep you off your feet using his charm and sexy accent.”

  I laughed. Phillip always knew what to say. “All right, I give. You would be taking me on my dream honeymoon right now. Your sister could have been my maid of honor and congratulated you on getting someone that is way too good for you, and we would have been the best of friends. Plus, our honeymoon. Where would that be to?”

  “Why Paris, of course.”

  “I’m not going on a honeymoon in the same country I plan to live in after.”

  “So, where do you want to go?”


  I thought about it. Where would the perfect honeymoon be? “Some place warm. Maybe the tropics. I like it down there. Warm, sandy beaches, relaxing waves, cool breeze. And if you rent a private beach then it’s quiet. No distractions or other people around.”

  “You - in a bikini - sharing a hammock with me on a private beach? I could live with that.”

  I laughed. “Start planning, buddy.”

  He put his arm around my waist.

  “See? I’ve already convinced you and I didn’t even have to go to your prom.”

  I put my arm around his waist in return and laughed. But the real world was waiting, so I turned to the dress racks in front of us and looked on with dread.

  “Ready for the impossible task of dressing me for the ball?”

  “It won't be impossible if you don’t object to every dress I pick out. You’ll say it shows your legs, or your boobs, or your arms. God forbid.”

  “I am not so bad that I can't show my arms, thank you very much.”

  I pulled away and pretended to sulk. Phillip came up behind me, putting his arms around my waist.

  “But you give on the legs and boobs, huh?”

  I laughed. “Okay, so I’m shy.”

  He snorted his opinion of that.

  “Yeah, sure. ‘Shy’ is the word I’d use.”

  I laughed. Okay, shy wasn't the right word but I’d pretend he wasn't being sarcastic. “Good. Let’s get to it then.”

  To my dismay he took me seriously. He started grabbing things off the rack, looking them over; comparing them to each other and my body shape. I sighed and let him go at it. Like I said, I didn’t want to do it. I looked around to see what kind of luck everyone else was having.

  Missy had about three assistants; they all looked like they wanted to drown themselves. But they helped her shift through one dress after another. Nick sat in a chair just out of the fray. He wasn't watching Missy and her proceedings. He was looking at Phillip and me. I quickly turned back to see how much Phillip had pulled off the racks and deemed appropriate. The pile was nowhere near as big as Missy’s and I breathed a sigh of relief. I snuck a peek back over and saw Nick still staring. I turned my head and kept my attention on Phillip for the rest of the day.