A Risk Worth Taking

by Zana Bell

  “That’s admirable,” said Wayne, and he looked as though he meant it. Stella, unimpressed, pointed to his helmet.

  “Did you come on your motorcycle?”

  “Sure did.”

  “Will you take me for a ride?”

  “No!” said Crystal. “Motorcycles are dangerous.”

  All those days and nights she’d have spent worrying that he would kill himself had left their mark.

  “Please,” begged Stella, ignoring her mother and fixing imploring eyes on Adam.

  “Stella,” Crystal warned.

  Adam didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t bear to say no to his daughter. Yet he didn’t dare antagonize her mother.

  “Now, Crystal,” said Wayne, “why not let Adam give her a short ride? Just around the block.” Adam watched Crystal waver. “You’ve always said that Stella inherited her extraordinary sense of balance from her father.”

  She’d probably said “her no-good father,” but what the heck, a compliment was a compliment, and Adam felt a bit more hopeful.

  “Trust me, there’s no way I’d ever do anything to endanger Stella. We’ll go around the block at twenty miles an hour if that’s what you want. She’ll wear my helmet.”

  Stella eyed him scornfully. “I don’t want to go slow.”

  “There, you see?” said Crystal to Wayne, flinging a hand toward her daughter. “I told you—just being in the same room as Adam brings out her wild side.”

  Adam glanced at his daughter and raised an eyebrow. “Wild side, huh?”

  She puffed out her chest. “Yes.”

  Their eyes caught and they grinned at each other.

  Adam saw Crystal send her husband a look of pained entreaty, but Wayne just laughed. “Honey, you’re beat. Accept it.” He halted any further dispute by standing. “Stella, go get a jacket, sweetheart.”

  Adam braced for an argument—they used to argue so much—but Crystal amazed him by sitting back. She still gnawed her lip, but Wayne, it seemed, really did have a way of coping with her. Much as Adam didn’t want to, he couldn’t help warming to the guy.

  Outside, Adam hunkered down to adjust the helmet’s strap around his daughter’s chin. His daughter’s chin. Being with her felt surreal. He had to stop himself from leaning in and creeping her out by inhaling her little-girl scent. He was still dying to hug her, stroke her hair, tickle her as he used to when she was tiny, but it was all still too soon for such displays of affection.

  “You just hang on and lean with me, okay?”

  “’Kay,” she said. “Promise me we won’t go slow.”

  He glanced up the steps to where Crystal stood watching the proceedings, Wayne’s arm around her shoulders.

  “We won’t be long.”

  “Take as long as you like,” said Wayne. “Go as fast as you feel is right.”

  He and Adam nodded to each other.

  Adam mounted the bike and helped Stella scramble up behind him. She was as agile as a monkey. Her little arms came around his waist and he had to fight the impulse to hold them. He peered over his shoulder. “You okay?” She nodded, eyes shining through the visor. “Here we go, then.”

  He took off slowly down the driveway. Ridiculously, his mouth was as dry as it always was before some big stunt. What if he screwed this up? What if he crashed? What if he said the wrong thing? What if Stella decided he was a no-good, deadbeat jerk?

  They reached the gates. He couldn’t help himself. He patted one of those tiny hands that clung to his jacket. Her arms tightened around him.

  “What are you waiting for?” his daughter demanded. “Let’s go. And when we get around the corner, go fast, okay?”

  He laughed. The years suddenly stretched ahead of him, all those teenage adventures that would make him shake with worry as much as his escapades had terrified Alicia. Karma. Retribution. Man, he just couldn’t wait!

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  THE HOUSE WAS VERY STILL when Cressa went back inside. Although she’d been in Texas only a few weeks, her belongings had spread amazingly. Tracking them down and shoving them into her large bag took a while.

  When everything was packed, she looked around. Adam would come home to an empty house. Again. The thought of repeating patterns was strong, so she sat down and wrote a note saying that she would stay in Alicia’s trailer until her departure date. She wished him well in his exam and his future relationship with his daughter. She thanked him for the time together and said it would always be special. Her words sounded lame, but she didn’t know how else to say things and she wanted to finish on a sort of positive note. Then she slipped out and put the key under the third flowerpot by the back door.

  Alicia’s trailer was like an oven. Cressa threw open the windows and turned on the air-conditioning, knowing one action sabotaged the other. She put away the groceries she’d bought, then paced through the trailer, deciding which room to be in. At first she planned to sleep in the boys’ room, but it felt like Adam’s turf. When she went into Alicia’s room, she was immediately assailed by happy memories of lovemaking. That’s all Adam would be—happy memories. Funny, when one of her flings usually finished, she felt fleeting regret and a huge dollop of liberty. Now she just felt used up.

  She lay down on the bed and curled into a fetal position. What should she do? Get an earlier flight home? No. Even though she yearned for her family right at this minute, going home early smacked of failure. Besides, she’d told Tim and Mike she’d run the shop while they had a long-weekend break.

  She stared up at the ceiling, listened to the hum of the air-con unit. She was all alone. It was the strangest feeling. She knew only Adam and her workmates. She and Adam hadn’t yet linked up with his friends. He’d said he didn’t want any distraction until the MCAT was over. Then he’d kissed her on the nose and pointed out that because she was over only for a month, he wanted her all to himself. She’d laughed and punched him for being such a girl.

  Cressa covered her eyes with her arm as though she could blot the scene from her mind. She’d have to keep busy or memories would overwhelm her. But she could do this. After all, she’d never needed a bloke in the past to enjoy herself. She’d have a ball, make the most of her remaining time in Texas.

  Starting tomorrow, she thought, reaching for the TV remote. Starting tomorrow.

  OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, Cressa gained seven pounds. She made it to work every day on time and, she thought, in good spirits. She therefore resented the sidelong looks she received from her two bosses.

  “Cut it out,” she said. “You guys keep eyeing me funny.”

  “That’s because you’re acting funny.”

  “Whattaya mean? I’m fine.”

  The men exchanged glances. “You are too fine,” said Tim. “You’re too bright, too cheerful. You laugh too long at really bad jokes.”

  “Are you objecting to a happy employee?”

  “Are you happy?” Mike appeared skeptical.

  She rolled her eyes. “’Course I am!”

  “How’s Adam?”

  She shrugged and opened her eyes wide. “Fine.” Under the scrutiny of her bosses she added, “Okay, so we’ve split up, but very amicably. His daughter’s come back into his life, and what with his exam and everything, we figured it was better to end things sooner rather than later.”

  She hated the sympathy that washed over both men’s faces. “I’m really sorry to hear that, Cressa,” said Tim.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. Like I told you, I’m fine.”

  It drove her crazy that from then on, ignoring her protestations, both dudes treated her with clumsy gentleness and—maybe she was imagining it—reproachfulness.

  Her sisters’ responses held no ambiguity. They were reproachful bordering on accusatory.

  “You broke up with the guy right before his exam?” Juliet was shocked.

  “I didn’t break up with him. He broke up with me.” Cressa was getting very tired of explaining this, and strode into the kitchen to
make a milkshake. She wondered why she was running up Alicia’s phone bill just to be yelled at.

  Katherine didn’t get it, either. “I can’t believe you walked out on him on the best day of his life. I really hope you didn’t spoil his reunion with his daughter.”

  Des took it hardest. “Oh, poor Adam! That’s the cruelest, dumbest thing you’ve ever done, Cressa. As bad as leaving Brian at the altar, except Adam won’t have another sister to help mend his broken heart.” An idea struck her. “Hey, what about Portia?”

  “They are entirely unsuited,” Cressa snapped with as much venom as a woman with a mouthful of chocolate can muster.

  Des gave a gurgle of laugher. “Snippy, snippy!”

  Cressa cut the connection.

  Only to Portia did she confide the whole horrid exchange on the beach—his declaration of love, his sort-of proposal. “I mean, it’s clear Adam doesn’t get me at all if he thinks I want to buy into all that family stuff. He’s mad.”

  But Portia, usually her mainstay, was troubled. “I thought you and Adam were a good match.”

  “Yeah, it was fun, but you know me, I like to be foot-loose and fancy-free.” Cressa scooped another spoonful of that wonderful cookie dough ice cream she’d just discovered.

  “Poor Adam. After all he’s been through.”

  I’ve been through a lot, too, she wanted to cry. Only, of course, she couldn’t say anything.

  Worst of all was her mother’s response. She’d been so sure that at least her mum would be happy that she and Adam were no longer together.

  “Oh, Cressa,” said Deirdre with an impatient sigh. “When will you ever grow up?”

  “What are you talking about? I thought you hated Adam.”

  “I never hated Adam! Though I was miffed about my suit,” she conceded.

  “Well, you certainly didn’t want us to get together. You were against it from the start. You pegged him as a deadbeat. Now that he wants to be a doctor, you’ve changed your tune!”

  There was silence on the other end of the line. Then her mother said in a low voice, “It’s true I didn’t like it when I thought Adam didn’t have a steady job, because I know from experience how much an unreliable income and constant absences can strain a relationship. I want all my girls to have dependable men—someone like Brian. Now, of course, it turns out that Adam has a phenomenal ability to stick to his chosen path. But the main problem was always Adam’s nationality.”

  Cressa choked on her margarita. “You don’t like Americans?”

  This made Deirdre laugh. “Of course I do. It was just this American. He frightened me.”

  “Adam? He’d never hurt a fly!”

  “No, but he had the power to carry my precious daughter away to live in another country. Then you went and got your sailing job, and I realized I was going to lose you one way or another.”

  Cressa tried to make sense of all this. “I thought you didn’t like Adam because he was all wrong for me.”

  Her mother sighed again. She sounded sad and regretful. “I didn’t like Adam because I could see you were besotted and I was being selfish. Now I think he’s the perfect man for you.”

  After that conversation, Cressa finished a whole jug of margaritas. These days she was getting darn good at making them.

  She couldn’t tell which was worse: going to bed alone or waking up alone. Or having no one to come home to at the end of the day. No one to laugh with. When her feet were sore from standing all day, she couldn’t have one of Adam’s amazing foot massages that turned her to mush and at the same time made her horny as hell. She missed having a razor in the bathroom, socks strewn across the floor. She was dying to know how his studies were going. Some days the impulse to phone was so strong she needed a whole tub of ice cream and some margaritas to fight it.

  Evenings were long. She tried to read but couldn’t settle. She simply couldn’t be bothered with any form of exercise. Instead, she filled the hours with television and food. She’d fall asleep with the blue light of the screen spilling across her bed, and when she woke up, as she did several times each night, the disembodied voices of unknown characters in unrelated scenes comforted her.

  The days crawled by, until she had only two left in the States. Saying goodbye to Mike and Tim would be really hard, but she was relieved. Now she could go home and forget Texas and Adam and the whole sorry mess.

  She cleaned the trailer from top to bottom. She scrubbed floors and sinks with a ferocious intensity and rubbed the windows until they were a millimeter thinner. She vacuumed and washed and even ironed. Her efforts were strangely therapeutic. Her mum would’ve had a heart attack if she’d seen just how domesticated Cressa could be. But through all this furious activity one ugly little truth burned.

  She was jealous of Stella.

  Despite her cheerfulness, her cleaning, her eating and her drinking, she couldn’t get the kid out of her mind. Only when Cressa was sitting on the steps of the trailer her last evening, drinking a coffee, with everything cleaned, packed and ready to go, did she finally face it.

  Not that she was jealous of Stella for stealing Adam’s attention from her. She was jealous because she would never have the chance to find her son. He was buried. Dead and buried. Brian visited his grave, but she never had. After all, she hadn’t wanted him. He’d nearly catapulted her into a life she hadn’t wanted.

  Slowly, Cressa drew her wallet out of her bag and unzipped it. From the hidden compartment she pulled the photograph, folded in half. The crease did not go through the face that lay in frozen serenity. A face that could have—should have—whooped with laughter, crumpled with concentration, blazed with anger. Cressa touched the photo with her index finger. Poor baby. Poor Felix. Brian had come up with the name. She liked it. Her son, Felix. He’d been so entwined in her conflicting feelings about Brian, the wedding, the future, that she hadn’t been able to think of him in his own right. Hadn’t dared.

  Crystal was a huge mistake, but Stella wasn’t. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

  Cressa would never have the chance to utter a sentence like that.

  Felix would have been two now. Talking. Leaving toys everywhere. Killing her with his antics. She’d been robbed of her baby and she was furious with the whole world. Part of her had died that day and she’d never had the courage to confront the pain. If you don’t make yourself vulnerable, you can’t ever be hurt. So much easier to move on as if nothing had happened.

  Except she seemed to have run out of road. Here in Texas, land of the long straight road. She tried to laugh at the irony, but somehow the laugh turned into a sob. Bowing her head on her knees, Cressa surrendered to the grief she had kept at bay for far too long, and wept.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  ADAM THREW HIMSELF into his studies. Nothing to hold him back now, to distract his attention. All good. Great, in fact. At last he had the space he’d been needing these past few months. He was up at 4:00 a.m. and worked through to early evening, breaking at midday for a punishing run down the beach. At two-hour intervals he did push-ups, sit-ups, chin presses. Yet none of it helped to consume his burning, restless energy. Only the daily exchanges with Stella gave some relief. Sometimes he and Stella chatted on the phone; sometimes they exchanged just a text or two. He was careful not to rush things. He’d rushed Cressa, and his efforts had blown up in his face. He and Stella had a lifetime ahead.

  The intensity of his concentration kept emotion in check. He couldn’t afford to wallow. He’d done that when Crystal had left. Well, not this time. But there wasn’t a corner of his house that didn’t carry the memory of Cressa. He even delayed changing the sheets as long as possible, because at night he could still catch breath of her scent.

  Part of him was always listening in case her feet came up the steps. Maybe she’d breeze back as though nothing had happened. She did that sort of thing. But she never came. The days passed until it was the afternoon of her flight home.

  The phone rang. Heart racing, he
pounced on it.

  “Adam?”

  He sagged against the wall. “Mom!” He tried for upbeat. “How’re things?”

  He’d phoned her, of course, straight after visiting Stella. She’d been so excited to hear about her granddaughter that he hadn’t told her about Cressa. What was the point? So the visit ended earlier than it should have. Big deal. But now, from his mother’s tone, he could tell something was up.

  “Oh, Adam, Deirdre called me today to tell me you and Cressa split up.”

  “Split up? We were never really together. It was only ever a short-term thing.”

  “Deirdre blames Cressa.”

  “Why? I thought she didn’t like our relationship.”

  “She’s very upset. Explained to me that she was against the relationship because she was so sure you were going to carry her daughter off to another country to live. I understand, you know. I feel a bit the same about Sass. But Deirdre says that worse than her losing Cressa is Cressa losing you. She hadn’t seen her so happy in years.”

  Adam was dumbfounded. “What about Brian?”

  Alicia laughed. “Deirdre now feels he and Des are far better suited, and she’s delighted she doesn’t have to lose him as a son-in-law. But she’s very concerned about losing you.”

  “Women,” said Adam, shaking his head. “You know, Mom, I’ll never understand them.”

  “Never mind that now. What are you going to do about Cressa?”

  “There’s nothing I can do. Her flight takes off in a couple hours. She’s leaving me, just as she was always going to.”

  “Deirdre says you broke up with her.” Alicia sounded remarkably disapproving.

  “Only because I all but went down on my knees and proposed and she rejected me.”

  “So you did break up!” Alicia was incredulous. “Adam Walker, I’ve never known you to be a quitter.”

  He was incensed. “Quitter? Mom, what’s wrong with the reception? Why can’t you hear me? Cressa doesn’t love me—okay?”