Secrets & Saris

by Shoma Narayanan

‘OK, then, if you need to go, you need to go,’ she said finally, amazed at how steady her voice was. Perhaps she’d missed her calling after all—she could have won an award for being so perfectly calm and collected when her mind was in such utter turmoil.

  ‘See you, then,’ he said, and there was a note of relief in his voice.

  A minute later Shefali heard the front door close gently behind him.

  Getting up to latch the door, Shefali caught a glimpse of Neil driving off. He looked older than his years and very grim. A far cry from his usual cheerful self.

  It was four o’clock. Too early to start the day. But in her current frame of mind there was no way she could go back to sleep. Sitting down on the bed, she tried to sort out her thoughts. From a purely physical point of view the night had been amazing, and her body still ached pleasurably in unfamiliar places. If she could ask it if it wanted to repeat the experience, she was sure that she’d get a resounding yes—every cell in her body would be shamelessly willing to sign a petition to get Neil back into her bed.

  Moving on to the more complex subject of how she felt about Neil, Shefali faltered. Her hand came up to brush tears away from her eyes impatiently. It was all very well trying to be calm and mature about the whole thing, but the impulse to throw herself on the bed and start howling was immense. Neil’s evident eagerness to be gone had hurt her badly. He hadn’t even thrown a casual endearment her way, and though he’d said he’d see her later she would bet anything he’d call her with a dozen reasons as to why they shouldn’t be with each other.

  Maybe he was right. They’d both been carried away by passion, but there wasn’t really much point in a relationship that was geared to fail. Neil had a lot of baggage, and he’d already told her that he didn’t want to marry again. For that matter, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to marry either, or even become involved in a serious relationship. Theoretically, a light-hearted fling with no strings attached would have been the perfect recipe to get over Pranav. But if she extended that logic she’d need to have another fling to get over Neil—and something told her that getting over Neil would be a lot more difficult than getting over Pranav.

  She could write Neil off as a therapeutic one-night stand, of course, only she wasn’t ready to give up what they had together just yet. In spite of the risk it posed to her heart, a short fling seemed to be the only solution. She gave a little groan of despair. Life suddenly seemed terribly complicated.

  * * *

  Neil used his key to enter the house he’d rented for his three-month stay in the city. Once inside, he threw himself onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands. What a mess. Sleeping with Shefali had been the farthest thing from his mind when he’d left home the evening before. He’d been attracted to her since the day they’d met, but he’d decided early on to keep things light between them. Well, he’d failed.

  Shefali had crept under his defences without his even realising it. Or, no, that was an unfair thing to think—whatever had happened was completely his fault, and he needed to sort it out. And quickly, before Shefali ended up getting hurt.

  The realisation that he was the first man she’d ever slept with had made him feel angry, humbled and terribly guilty all at the same time. Angry because if she’d told him earlier he wouldn’t have let things go quite so far. Guilty because he now felt responsible for her, and he knew he couldn’t give her the kind of relationship she deserved. And humbled because she’d trusted him enough, felt safe with him...

  A door creaked open, and Neil looked up to see Bela Mashi looking out at him blearily.

  ‘Ki khoka? You’re still awake? Did you go to bed at all?’

  Neil shook his head.

  ‘I was working,’ he said. Bela Mashi was used to the weird hours his job entailed—she wouldn’t ask nosy questions.

  ‘Get some sleep now,’ she instructed, turning to go back inside. ‘I’ll take Nina to school in an auto—you can sleep late.’

  It was good advice, but he didn’t take it, going into the kitchen to make himself some coffee instead. He had a tough day ahead of him. They were doing some scenes around the history of the city and were going to be filming at an old fort that had belonged to a warrior queen in the sixteenth century. The idea was to recreate a small part of her battle to defend the kingdom, and they had a couple of professional actors and a whole bunch of locals playing the queen and her soldiers. It would be a long and tiring day, and in his current troubled frame of mind he wasn’t looking forward to it.

  ‘I won’t be able to pick you up from school today,’ he told Nina as her dropped her off at the school gate.

  Shefali, thankfully, was nowhere in sight, and Nina’s class teacher was at the gate, ushering the children in. Nina nodded and scampered in. Her teacher gave Neil a curious look—rumours of the amount of time the new centre manager was spending with him had already begun to circulate.

  The shoot was gruelling—there was no other word for it. Neil could even bring himself to feel sorry for the actress who was playing Queen Durgavati as take after take was ruined by the over-enthusiastic local extras, who stopped whatever they were supposed to be doing to wave into the camera eagerly whenever it came near them. Shooting on a budget had its disadvantages.

  Taking his phone back from Priti between shots, Neil scrolled through the calls he’d missed. There were none from Shefali—maybe she was waiting for him to call her. He looked up to see Priti regarding him steadily.

  ‘Do you want to take a break?’ she asked. ‘Rafiq has this bunch under control now, and we don’t need you for the next hour or so while we do the siege scene.’

  Rafiq was more than capable of handling the scene. Nodding at Priti, Neil got to his feet. ‘I’ll see you guys in an hour, then,’ he said.

  The fort was on top of a hill, and there were steps all the way down to the road below. Halfway down, Neil dialled Shefali’s number. She picked up on the fourth ring.

  ‘Hi,’ she said cheerfully.

  At the sound of her voice Neil felt his pulse begin to race. ‘Hi,’ he said softly. ‘You doing OK?’

  At the other end of the line Shefali was sorely tempted to yell that she wasn’t. What did he expect, after walking out on her like that last night? But better sense prevailed, and she said instead, ‘I’m good. How’s the shoot going?’

  Neil grimaced. ‘As well as can be expected, I guess. This whole recreating history bit isn’t my kind of thing. Rafiq’s managing it. I’m just standing in front of the camera and saying my lines.’

  Shefali had spent the afternoon watching clips of his earlier shows on the internet. She could picture him, standing in front of the fort in his trademark white T-shirt and faded jeans, his hair ruffled by the breeze and the sun glinting off his grey-blue eyes. She shut her eyes for a second. Short fling, she said to herself. That’s all—don’t start getting obsessed with him. Aloud she said, ‘Has your fan club followed you?’ He’d been complaining about a bunch of college girls who’d taken to haunting his shoots, giggling and simpering just out of camera range and making a regular nuisance of themselves.

  ‘Rafiq offered them roles as handmaidens to the queen,’ Neil said. ‘They’re running around somewhere in ghaghra cholis—I think Rafiq’s their new hero.’

  ‘Right,’ Shefali said, and there was a pause.

  ‘We need to talk,’ Neil said abruptly.

  Shefali tensed. It didn’t sound as if he was going to tell her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  ‘Over the phone?’ she asked carefully.

  She could hear the reluctance in his voice when he replied, ‘No, I guess not. Are you free to meet this evening?’

  ‘I’ve got to go out to for dinner with some of the teachers,’ Shefali said. ‘What about tomorrow? It’s Saturday, and I don’t have much to do much other than paperwork for the school.’
>
  ‘I’m at this shoot all day,’ Neil said. ‘Do you want to meet me here? We can do a picnic lunch somewhere near the fort.’

  Shefali made a face. A picnic lunch sounded OK in theory, but—having seen Neil at work on two previous occasions—she knew she’d be kept hanging around like a spare wheel while he dealt with the dozens of problems that cropped up.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s too hot for a picnic. Would you like to come over for dinner instead?’ The second she said it, she realised she’d made a false move—he’d assume she wanted to continue where they’d stopped the night before. Her hunch was confirmed a second later.

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ he said. ‘Are you free now? I can take the rest of the day off.’

  To say that Rafiq wasn’t pleased was an understatement—he was livid.

  ‘You can’t just walk off,’ he stormed at Neil. ‘It’s taken me hours to get everything just right, and the light’s perfect, and now you announce you need to go. Where’s the fire?’

  ‘There’s something I need to take care of,’ Neil said, wishing he’d lied and said he wasn’t feeling well.

  ‘What do you need to take care of?’ Rafiq bellowed. ‘Why now? Why can’t it wait?’

  ‘Leave him alone, Rafiq,’ Priti intervened. ‘We can do the scenes without him today and the rest tomorrow—it’d be easier, actually. He’s looking like hell, anyway—look at the circles under his eyes.’

  ‘What do you expect if he spends the night seducing village maidens instead of getting his beauty sleep?’ Rafiq muttered sulkily. Neil made a sudden movement, and Rafiq’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘Chill, man...I’m just saying,’ he protested. ‘I’ve no idea what you’ve been doing—though, given the way you’re behaving, I can guess,’ he added under his breath.

  As Neil swung away Priti gave Rafiq an affectionate punch on the arm. ‘Come on, let’s get the show going. Oh, and the last time I checked Neil’s still our boss. He doesn’t need our permission if he wants to take the afternoon off.’

  ‘I’m glad someone remembers that,’ Neil called over his shoulder as he headed down the stairs.

  Rafiq yelled back, ‘Yeah, right—pull rank on your old friends.’ He was frowning when he turned back to Priti. ‘It’s that girl who runs Nina’s school. I didn’t think she’d be his type.’

  Priti shrugged. ‘It’s none of our business. And it’s a relief he’s getting mixed up with a normal girl his own age rather than those harpies he sleeps with in Mumbai.’

  Twenty minutes later Neil was sitting next to Shefali on a bench in a public park in the middle of the city. She’d refused to meet at a coffee shop, and he didn’t want to go to her flat. The park seemed the most neutral place to meet, where they could talk without being overheard.

  ‘I don’t see what you’re so worked up about,’ Shefali was saying. Her tone was exasperated, but inside she was a bundle of nerves.

  ‘It feels like I took advantage of you on the rebound!’ he said. ‘I’ve had affairs before, but they were with women who—well, who knew their way around. You’re not like that.’

  ‘I’m the kind men take home to meet their mother? Is that it?’ Shefali asked, but he looked away, not replying.

  Odd how something that she’d normally have taken as a compliment was making her heart sink into her shoes. She’d spent the morning agonising over Neil’s evident reluctance to take their relationship any further, and while she was no closer to figuring out her own feelings for him she knew she couldn’t let him go. Not yet.

  ‘I don’t want a serious relationship either,’ she said finally, thinking furiously. Perhaps that would make him stay—at least long enough for her to get over the worst of this infatuation that had her writhing helplessly in its grip. And it had the added advantage of being almost true.

  Neil turned to look at her in surprise. ‘You don’t?’

  She shrugged. ‘You’re right about the rebound thing,’ she said, trying to keep her voice light and casual. ‘I’m not ready for a new relationship yet. But I do think I deserve some fun.’

  There—she’d said it. It hadn’t come out sounding quite right—‘fun’ seemed to put Neil on par with carnival rides and ice cream on a summer day—but his implacable expression was relaxing a little, so she continued.

  ‘I need to prove to myself that I can manage perfectly well on my own. I don’t want to be rid of one loser of a guy just to get shackled to another.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said drily, but he was smiling.

  Shefali felt her heart give a happy little skip inside her chest. She flapped a hand at him. ‘You know what I mean. You’re not a loser—if anything, you’re a bit of a role model for me.’

  Neil did an almost visible double-take. ‘Role model in what way, exactly?’

  Shefali leaned forward, taking his hand eagerly. ‘Don’t you see? Your life was a mess too, after Reema left, and your parents and sister wanted to take over, but you managed on your own. And you did brilliantly! Look at you now—you’re successful in your career and Nina’s perfect. She’s intelligent, and cute, and she adores you. So as far as I’m concerned you’re a role model.’ She pulled a face. ‘Though in my case it’s not a kid I need to bring up properly, it’s myself. To make up for all the years I was wafting around in training to be the perfect wife.’

  She held her breath as she watched Neil absorb what she’d just said. He looked half convinced, and hopefully he wouldn’t enquire into her motives too closely. Being a diplomat’s daughter had its advantages—she knew exactly when to stop laying it on.

  ‘What’re you suggesting, then?’

  She heaved a sigh of relief. The rest was going to be easy. At least she’d have him for a little while longer. And hopefully she’d manage to get over him afterwards. She touched his hand gently.

  ‘We keep on seeing each other. For as long as you’re in town. When you leave, we say goodbye—and we part with no regrets on either side.’

  ‘Why would you want something like that?’ Neil asked, his eyes troubled.

  Shefali stifled a sigh of exasperation. That was the trouble with Neil, she thought. In spite of the sexy man-of-the-world exterior, he was just so damn nice inside. Most men would have jumped at the suggestion of a short, no-strings-attached fling. Neil wanted to be sure that he didn’t end up hurting her by mistake.

  She gave him a brief smile. ‘I just told you—a serious relationship’s not something I can deal with right now. But I do want to live life a little. I’ve never dated, never had a boyfriend, never stayed up the whole night dancing, never really had much fun. That’s all I want out of this. And, if you don’t mind my saying, I think it’d do you some good as well.’

  Neil scanned her face, searching for a clue towards how she really felt. Something about what she was saying didn’t ring true. He was incredibly tempted, though—the years since Nina was born had been completely devoid of anything remotely resembling fun with the opposite sex. He’d had a few relationships, but those had been discreet liaisons of convenience with older women, nothing that made him feel young and alive like Shefali did.

  ‘I’m not typical boyfriend material,’ he warned finally. ‘And I don’t think this is the kind of place you can stay up the whole night dancing.’

  ‘I’m sure we can think of something else to do all night long,’ she said huskily.

  Neil’s senses immediately sprang to high alert. The effect she had on him was incredible—even Reema hadn’t been able to set him on fire with a single word or a touch the way Shefali could.

  Knowing that he was allowing himself to be talked into this, he took her hand and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. ‘An offer I can’t refuse,’ he said, with a rueful smile tugging at the corners of his perfectly shaped mouth. ‘My head keeps telling me that we’re making a mistake, but I’m only
here for a few weeks more, and once I’m back in Mumbai...’

  He’d meant to say that they wouldn’t be able to meet very often if they were in different cities, but Shefali assumed he was about to add another set of caveats.

  ‘It’ll be over when you leave,’ she said, breaking in before he could say anything more. ‘I understand that, and it’s fine.’

  She slid her hands slowly up his chest and finally Neil’s self-control snapped. His arms came around to clasp her roughly, and his lips were hot and impatient against hers.

  SIX

  The next two months were probably the most fulfilling and the most frustrating of Shefali’s life. Fulfilling because she spent every long, passion-filled night in Neil’s arms, and frustrating because he was so clearly unprepared to give her anything more than a few weeks of mind-blowing sex.

  She couldn’t blame him—that was what she’d agreed to—and she even felt a little guilty, expecting more. But she’d become addicted to Neil’s night-time visits—although she’d been very careful to hide the extent to which she was involved. Even to herself she didn’t admit quite how close she was to falling in love with Neil. And she wasn’t sure how long she could keep up the charade. Or if she even wanted to keep it up. It would be far more honest to tell Neil that she couldn’t do this any more, that she wasn’t the kind of person who could handle a fling without getting emotionally involved. A civilised break would be the best thing for both of them. Her heart quailed at thought of quite so much honesty, though. It was all very well rehearsing the lines in her head, but actually saying them to Neil would be humiliating for her and embarrassing for him.

  She glanced at Neil, sleeping beside her, an arm casually draped across her waist. He had no inkling of the doubts she was struggling with—he probably thought that the arrangement was working out perfectly. Sighing, she looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was almost five—it would be dawn in another half an hour.

  ‘You need to go,’ she whispered into Neil’s ear, and he turned, pulling her into his arms and nuzzling the sensitive skin at the base of her throat. ‘Neil, don’t!’ she gasped as his mouth wandered lower, and he pulled away regretfully.