Secrets & Saris

by Shoma Narayanan

  She was right—he did need to leave, and the walk back to his house was a longish one. It was still dark outside, but that was the whole point—he didn’t want people knowing that he was spending nights at Shefali’s flat.

  ‘How much longer do you think you guys will need to complete filming?’ Shefali asked as she watched Neil pull on his jeans and T-shirt.

  ‘I think we’ll be done in a week,’ Neil said, and Shefali’s heart sank. Just one more week. She gave Neil a quick look. He seemed entirely unaffected by the fact that they wouldn’t see each other again after next week—from his expression they might have been talking about the government’s fiscal deficit.

  ‘Back to Mumbai after that, then?’ she said lightly.

  Neil nodded, and came to sit next to her on the bed. ‘We’ll be in touch,’ he said, taking her hand and gently running his finger down her wrist. He would miss her unbearably, though he was careful not to let her see that. Sober thought had made him come to the conclusion that a short fling would be the best for both of them. But he still couldn’t help saying, ‘Maybe you could come and see us in Mumbai some time?’

  ‘The way I come and see you now?’ Shefali asked sarcastically, jerking her hand away from his. Ever since they’d got into this physical relationship they’d stopped meeting during the day—Neil had even stopped coming to school to pick up Nina. She’d tried not to be upset by the fact that he didn’t want to see her outside of bed, but it was difficult not to feel hurt.

  Neil’s eyebrows flew up at her tone. ‘You’re welcome to come and see me whenever you want,’ he said, though he knew it wasn’t true. He hadn’t expressly told her not to come near him during the day, but the message had been pretty loud and clear.

  ‘Right,’ she said. ‘As long as I wear a veil and cover my face?’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re choosing to get upset about this—’ Neil began.

  Shefali cut in quickly. ‘Because I feel like I’m your mistress,’ she said angrily. ‘I know we said it wasn’t going to be serious, but I hate sneaking around.’

  ‘We discussed it,’ Neil replied. ‘This is still a fairly conservative city. You’re running a playschool—it wouldn’t do you much good if word got around that you were sleeping with me.’

  ‘That doesn’t explain why we don’t meet in other ways,’ she flared at him. ‘With the guys from your crew, or with the teachers from the school. We’re supposed to be friends, but the only reason we meet is to sleep together.’ She didn’t say it, but what hurt the most was the way he’d tried to keep her away from Nina. Of course Nina still came to school every day, but not once had Neil suggested even a visit to the park together. Feeling a bit like a scarlet woman, insisting on being accepted by her lover’s family, she said, ‘You didn’t even come across and say hello on Sports Day.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to keep up the act in front of so many people,’ Neil said wearily. ‘Believe me, I’m not trying to avoid you. I’m just trying to make sure that it doesn’t get embarrassing for you when I leave.’

  It was the tone that finally decided her. Already Neil was beginning to sound as if he was tired of her—and it had been only two months since the night he’d stayed over for the first time. If she dragged this on any further she’d end up hating herself.

  ‘Right, then, maybe we should stop seeing each other altogether?’ she said curtly. ‘I thought this would be fun, but it isn’t. It’s cheap and sordid and I’ve had enough.’

  Neil stayed silent. Warring thoughts flew through his mind. He’d grown to care for Shefali a lot more than he liked to admit, and the thought of not seeing her any more caused a physical pain in the region of his heart. But then there was Nina to think of, and Shefali herself. Nina was surprisingly mature for her age, and she’d already asked him a couple of times if he planned to marry again. And as for Shefali, asking her to enter into any kind of long-term relationship was unfair, given the amount of baggage he came with.

  He turned to Shefali to tell her so, but the sight of tears trembling on her long lashes stopped him. He’d never seen her cry before—she’d lost her temper often, but she’d never cried. Not even when she was telling him about her broken engagement, or her estrangement from her parents. Even now she was blinking the tears back and glaring at him. With a muttered curse, Neil gathered her into his arms, tightening his hold when she resisted. For a while she continued to struggle, pushing at his chest with her hands, but then she quietened down, resting her head against his shoulder.

  ‘It’s Nina, isn’t it?’ she asked softly after a while, without looking up.

  ‘Partly,’ Neil said. ‘She’s fond of you, but I don’t know how she’d react if she knew we were dating. I don’t even know if she’s old enough to understand what dating is—she might just assume that we’re going to get married. I know it’s not fair to you, but...’ He struggled for words.

  ‘But she’s your daughter,’ Shefali said, freeing herself from his arms and sitting up. ‘She’ll always come first with you—I understand that. But you can’t shut yourself off from women for your entire life, can you? You’re only twenty-eight. Don’t you want to marry again? Have a regular life?’ She added hastily, in case he misunderstood, ‘I don’t mean with me—we always meant this to be a short-term thing—but with someone else?’

  Neil stood up and went to window. ‘I’ve thought about it a fair bit,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to remarry. There’s no guarantee it would work out this time, and it would be horribly unfair to Nina if it didn’t. And there might be more children—that’s something I most definitely don’t want.’

  Reema had done a thorough job on him, Shefali thought, looking at Neil’s rigid back. He was so closed to the idea of a permanent relationship it was as if commitment had been surgically removed from his psyche.

  As another thought struck Shefali, she said, ‘Do you think Reema will ever...’

  He was shaking his head already. ‘Reema won’t come back. And I don’t want her to in any case—I’ve wasted enough years of my life on her.’ At Shefali’s puzzled look, he said wryly, ‘We started dating at sixteen—we’d been together for seven years when Nina came along.’

  Seven years! No wonder he was taking so long to get over her. And what kind of parents allowed their children to start dating seriously at sixteen? Shefali could feel the disapproval showing in her face.

  Neil smiled. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘But things are little different in Kolkata, and our families were close, so we used to spend a lot of time together even before we started dating. Anyway, that’s beside the point.’ He came back from the window to kneel by the side of the bed, taking both her hands in his. ‘I don’t want you thinking that I’m ashamed of being with you,’ he said. ‘I was trying to protect Nina—and myself—but I wasn’t thinking straight.’

  He looked so contrite that Shefali couldn’t help smiling. ‘You could give me some credit for maturity,’ she suggested. ‘I won’t automatically leap into your arms if you come and speak to me in public.’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’m more worried about my own reaction.’

  He turned her hands over and pressed his lips to each palm. It was a gesture that never failed to send tingles down her spine, and she almost missed what he said when he started speaking again. Freeing her hands, she started listening more carefully.

  ‘This might sound a little weird, but why don’t you come home for dinner tonight? Nina’s been pestering me for ages to ask you over, and Bela Mashi’s an excellent cook. She’ll jump at the chance of trying out some of her fancier dishes.’

  ‘So you’re asking me over to make Nina and Bela Mashi happy? Is that it?’ Shefali asked, only half teasingly.

  ‘Of course,’ Neil said, laughing up at her. ‘They’re the two most important women in my life.’

  Which was probably nothing bu
t the plain, unvarnished truth, Shefali thought, but she leaned over and kissed him hard on the lips. ‘I’ll check my calendar,’ she said. ‘Just in case I have a hot date that I’ve forgotten about.’

  It was almost six when Neil finally left, and Shefali closed the door behind him and got into the shower. The cold spray stung against her skin, but it helped clear her head. She needed to be realistic. An invitation to dinner didn’t change the fact that Neil would be leaving in a week. And she was coming closer and closer to falling in love with him, despite knowing that he wasn’t in the least bit in love with her. A clean break would be best, however much it hurt, rather than kidding herself that something might come of their relationship.

  Her conviction that getting involved with Neil had been a mistake was further strengthened when Deepa, one of the younger teachers at the school, took her aside during the lunch break.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Shefali asked, a little irritated at being disturbed when she had work to do.

  Deepa flushed. ‘My brother’s on the night shift at the factory,’ she said, almost stammering with nervousness. ‘He passes the school on his way home from work, and today he said he saw a man leaving the building at around six in the morning.’

  ‘So?’ Shefali asked brusquely.

  ‘He won’t tell anyone, but he recognised Nina’s dad. If anyone else sees him they’ll talk...’ She saw the expression on Shefali’s face and hurried on, ‘I know it’s none of my business, but this is a small town. People gossip a lot. You’re new here, and you live alone. It could get unpleasant. I was worried, so I thought I’d just tell you...’

  She was babbling in her nervousness, and Shefali took pity on her. Deepa was a timid girl to begin with, and it couldn’t have been easy, nerving herself to speak to her boss on such a touchy topic.

  ‘Thanks for telling me,’ she said quietly. ‘You don’t need to worry, Deepa, Neil will be leaving town for good next week.’

  Deepa looked so relieved that Shefali smiled involuntarily—a Victorian miss would have probably reacted in a similar way on being told that Jack the Ripper was leaving London. One of Deepa’s charges came dancing out into the corridor, distracting her, and Shefali was free to go back to her office.

  * * *

  Neil had invited Rafiq and Priti for dinner as well. Shefali wasn’t sure whether that was to avoid being alone with her, or to prove to her that he wasn’t trying to keep her a guilty secret. Rafiq had offered to pick her up on his way to Neil’s house and she accepted, not wanting to ruin her hair in an auto.

  ‘Wow,’ Rafiq said, clearly impressed when she got into the car.

  She’d dressed simply, in a sleeveless white Lucknowi churidaar kameez. The kameez was covered in white chikankari embroidery, and she’d thrown a blue printed silk dupatta over her shoulders. Her eyes were outlined in kohl, but she’d used only the slightest hint of lipgloss. Her hair fell loose over her shoulders. Her jewellery was dramatic—a silver choker with uneven pieces of lapis set into it, matching dangly earrings and a silver cuff bracelet around one wrist.

  Priti, who was also in the car, leaned across to examine the bracelet more closely. ‘Very pretty,’ she pronounced. ‘You get really good jewellery in Delhi—not like the expensive junk they have in Mumbai.’

  Shefali smiled. Her mother had wanted her to get rid of all her silver jewellery before she got married—‘Only gold and diamonds once you’re married. There’s always platinum or white gold if you want. Silver looks so tacky!’ That was one argument Shefali had won, and she’d brought her favourite silver pieces with her to Jabalpur. The heavy gold jewellery that had been bought for her wedding was locked in a safe in Delhi, and she didn’t care if she never saw it again.

  Nina was hopping on one foot with excitement when they arrived, and she flung her arms around Shefali as soon she stepped into the house. Neil gave her a wry look. ‘She’s been over the moon ever since she found out you were coming over,’ he said.

  ‘No such welcome for me, eh?’ Rafiq demanded, giving Nina a ferocious look.

  She giggled happily and darted away as he tried to grab her, coming up to say hello only after Neil said something stern in Bengali.

  ‘I didn’t realise you spoke Bengali at home,’ Priti remarked.

  Neil shrugged. ‘Bengali dad, grew up in Kolkata, married a Bengali—I didn’t really have much of a choice,’ he said. ‘Wine or beer?’

  Shefali opted for wine, but the evening was already a little spoilt for her by his reference to his ex-wife. Among friends he obviously spoke about her quite casually, and it wasn’t surprising—with Nina around it was unlikely they’d forget that he’d been married. She was distracted by Bela Mashi, hurrying into the room, beaming from ear to ear.

  ‘My favourite woman in the entire world,’ Rafiq said in Hindi, and jumped up to hug Bela.

  She pushed him off, pretending to be upset, but obviously hugely pleased. ‘What nonsense you talk,’ she said in heavily accented Hindi.

  ‘And what nonsense your Hindi is,’ Rafiq retorted. ‘Bela Mashi, when will you learn that Bengali doesn’t automatically become Hindi if you speak at twice the volume and half the speed?’

  ‘I’ve managed fine till now,’ Bela Mashi said indignantly, reverting to English. ‘No one in this Godforsaken city understands Bengali—how d’you think I run the house if I can’t speak Hindi?’ She turned to Shefali and gave her a big smile. ‘So nice to see you, Shefali didi. Nina’s been so excited.’

  Bela’s English, with its part-Bengali, part-British accent, had come as a surprise to Shefali when they’d first met, but now it made sense—Neil’s British mother would naturally have hired an English-speaking nanny, and over the years her accent must have rubbed off on Bela. It would be interesting to speak to Neil’s mother and figure out if the reverse had happened as well.

  ‘Dinner’s ready, if you want to eat,’ Bela was saying.

  They had just got up to go to the dining room when Shefali’s phone rang. She went back to retrieve it, frowning at the unfamiliar number. The voice on the other end wasn’t unfamiliar, though, and Neil turned around sharply when she said, ‘Pranav!’

  ‘Yes, it’s me,’ Pranav said. ‘Don’t hang up, Shefali.’

  ‘I’m not planning to,’ she said grimly. ‘Whatever you have to say, Pranav, I’m sure it’ll be interesting.’

  Neil was still hovering at the doorway, a concerned look on his face, but Shefali waved him away. This was one conversation she didn’t want anyone overhearing. She waited till she could hear him in the dining room, making excuses for her, and then she said into the phone, ‘Go on.’

  ‘I didn’t realise you’d left Delhi,’ Pranav said. ‘I tried your old number a few times once things had settled down a little, but I couldn’t get through. And your parents weren’t willing to talk to me. I finally managed to get your number through a friend.’

  ‘Congratulations,’ Shefali said. ‘And now that you do finally have my number, can you hurry up and tell me what you want? I’m at someone’s home for dinner.’

  It had been only a few months, but it already felt as if Pranav was a stranger—part of a life she’d left behind a long while ago. In fact he always had been a stranger—it was just that she was admitting it to herself for the first time. She didn’t even feel as angry with him as she’d thought she would. She just wanted him to say what he had to and get out of her life.

  ‘I wanted to apologise,’ he said after a brief pause. ‘I don’t have any excuses for the way I treated you, and I don’t expect you to forgive me. I can only say I’m sorry.’

  ‘Right,’ Shefali said, thinking back to the nightmare of the wedding he’d failed to turn up for. Sorry didn’t even begin to cover it.

  ‘I know you’ve left home,’ he said. ‘And that your parents weren’t too...umm...supportive. If you need anything—
’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Shefali cut in, suppressing a second’s urge to burst into hysterical giggles. What on earth was he planning to offer her? Money? Emotional support? A place to stay?

  ‘My parents aren’t too thrilled with me either,’ he said. ‘Dad’s cut off ties completely, so I’m no longer working for him. Actually, I’m living off Priya right now—until I get a job.’

  So he wasn’t offering money, then? Unless his girlfriend was planning to sponsor him out of his guilt trip. The conversation was turning out to be a lot less difficult then she’d thought.

  ‘I’m sure things will work out,’ she said, not even bothering to sound as if she meant it. ‘Maybe your father will come around once you two are married?’

  ‘We hope so too,’ Pranav said. ‘I only wish I’d mustered up the guts to stand up to him a lot earlier. It would have saved you all the trouble and embarrassment I put you through.’

  ‘At least you figured things out before we ended up married to each other,’ Shefali said. There was a brief pause. ‘I need to go now, Pranav. Everyone’s waiting for me.’

  ‘Can we meet when you’re back in Delhi?’ Pranav asked. ‘I’d like to introduce Priya to you.’

  ‘I’ll let you know when I’m there next,’ Shefali said, though she had no intention of doing anything of the sort.

  She was pretty amazed at her own powers of self-control—she’d managed to complete the conversation without losing her temper or even raising her voice. That had to be some kind of world record for a woman left hanging at the altar with no word of explanation. But, to her surprise, she didn’t even feel angry with Pranav any more. The only feeling she could dredge up was a kind of weary contempt for his lack of courage and her own gullibility.

  ‘All OK?’ Neil asked in an undertone as she rejoined the others.

  She nodded. ‘I’m fine,’ she said, for the second time in the evening, and realised she meant it. The chapter with Pranav was closed, and it was time to move on. With or without Neil by her side.