Dear Adam
Page 25
Chapter 16
Tuesday, November 12 7:39 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I'm going to keep this alive here. Where it started. In e-mails, in the ether, in my head. I will continue writing to you as if you will read this. Maybe it will help me. I don't know.
Here, you're real. Just as I believed you to be for three months. Here, I can pretend that you did love me, and love me still.
It's difficult for me to stop writing to you. There are still so many things I want to say, despite the fact that all this time I wrote to you every day, spoke to you every day.
I gutted myself this time, didn't I? No one did it but me. I am flayed, my insides out.
The heart - my heart - is resilient. I've had enough proof of that. But I do wish more than anything that it breaks for good this time.
I don't want it to heal.
I don't want it put back together.
I don't think I can take this pain again.
Eden
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Thursday, November 14 9:43 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
The habit of you is hard to break.
I can’t stop checking my phone. I only got it for you. It will be silent now, as it was before you came into my life.
I don't think you know what these past three months have meant to me. I lived for each e-mail, each message, each time that stupid Skype jingle came on. I shuffled schedules; chose to stay home and wait for you; I neglected important things, important people; arranged my day, my life around you. Then as now, everything but Dante seems like purgatory, something I have to suffer through until I could be with you.
Even now, I read something funny or shocking in the news and I immediately think, unable to stop myself, I've got to show this to Adam, what would Adam think? All these bubbly thoughts, these hopes, these dreams, these potent feelings - stoppered, nowhere to go. I am bottled up again.
I borrowed books on Scotland, did you know that? I knew I was tempting fate but I was so excited. I imagined us exploring Edinburgh's cobbled streets, shivering in the cold, gloved hand in gloved hand. Lingering in bookstores then going back to our hotel. I was going to bring you Mountain Dew and Oreos, your favorite guilty pleasures. I would laugh and ask how someone with such fine taste could crave American junk. But I'd give it to you anyway because I'd want you to be happy.
I shouldn't have borrowed books, shouldn't have checked airplane fares, shouldn't have secretly dreamed.
The dream of you and me - so beautiful, growing more beautiful every moment that it goes further and further away from my reach. I clung to it, even when I knew deep down that you never intended for it to happen.
I lied to you Adam. I kept those recordings of your voice. You know why? Because I knew that someday I would need them. Someday, I would play them over and over and over again just to help me get through the night.
Eden
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Sunday, November 17 3:01 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I made tamales last night. Dante seemed relieved when he came home and saw I was up and about, in the kitchen like normal, instead of holed up in my room, underneath covers.
You're probably thinking I've cut you out completely. That I do not care. I can't go too far down that path of wondering how you feel or how you are because it will lead to me begging for your forgiveness. While I don't give a damn about looking pathetic, about owning up to having done a great wrong, I have to remember that I know nothing of the truth.
You asked me once to take a leap of faith with you and I did. But now I've crashed from such a terrible height, wings broken. You've vanished back into the mists from where you came and I'm all alone in the darkness.
Eden
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Wednesday, November 20 12:01 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
It is raining here as it is in Agrigento. But you are not in Agrigento, are you? You don't exist.
I don't either. Not really. I'm moving in this life, from one hour to the next, a ghost in mourning.
You were all the books I had ever read, all the fairy tales I wished were true, everything I had ever wanted - someone strong, principled, honorable, intelligent, soulful, funny, poetic. Even the way you came into my life was a story.
It was as though a magician had peered into my soul, divined its secrets, then conjured you - a mysterious, masked man from a distant land drawn to me by my writing. That I never saw your face bewitched me even more. You were beautiful to me without physical trappings.
When I think about the men I've come across since you came into my life - trying hard to catch my eye or interest me in something more than idle conversation - they still pale and wither in comparison to you - someone I've neither met nor seen. Strip them of their handsome faces and young bodies and they would be the dull noise in the background. Without your brilliant gleam, your sharp wit, your colorful stories, your depth and soul, your seductive voice, without your heart.
If you are a fictional character, then I am spellbound by a lie. I am sick for you Adam. No one else can cure me of this spell, this curse.
Eden
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Wednesday, November 27 11:01 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I'll have a perfectly fine day - busy, not a moment to think too much, but then once I am by myself, when I'm in the car alone or in my room at the end of the night - the sea of sorrow would come and drown me. I want to hide somewhere until "all this" is over. Whatever this is. Except "this" is the permanent state, not happiness.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving at my house. I dreaded it at first, but now I'm glad I'll be busy with my family around me. I'll be the super-efficient, no nonsense me. The proud recluse who prefers her books to being with a man. They have no idea of you. How I wish I could have had everyone meet you. See - look - he is the one I was waiting for! He is the one I was meant to be with. Now, do you see why I waited, why I was so choosy?
What am I thankful for? Lots of things - health, a job, my house, my family, friends, my possessions. I am thankful that I met you. Even if you were composed of smoke and shadows and story, even with the pain I now live with, I'm still glad I loved you.
Eden
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Tuesday, December 3 10:36 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
Today I catalogued all my books. I spent most of the day that way. It's just to keep busy, doing absolutely useless things. I don't want to go anywhere, be with anyone. I have only the will to do the minimum of what is expected of me. Otherwise, I just want to hole up in my house, wander its rooms or relentlessly clean and scour.
I fear that I will soon go crazy. Every time I pause, I burst into tears and my insides hurt. This ball of pain inside me needs to be expelled. But it stays. And with every moment it grows.
I wonder how long I will write to you.
I've never yearned for winter more. It would have been cruel to bear the loss of you in spring or summer, when all the world is young and new while I am old and done for.
Eden
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Monday, December 16 11:43 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I felt good today. Good as in I didn't suddenly dissolve into tears multiple times. Not once even. Well, not yet anyway.
I feel productive. On my way to somewhere. I wonder if I'm healing. I wonder if this means that I did the right thing.
I don't miss you any less. Feel your presence any less. I still have conversations in my head with you. The part of me that loves I left in purgatory. I come back to it often. But the rest of me - the quiet and unremarkable me - is living a semblance of life and doing things. Ever efficient.
I’ve begun writing again. I remembered a conversation we had, the one where you prodded and poked me until I admitted that I wrote stories in secret. I don’t know how you knew, but that was the way with everything. You knew me better than I knew myself.
“I could tell from your reviews,” you said, “They’re so well-written. If you ever show me your stories, Edie, I would be honored.”
It touched me when you said that. I couldn’t speak. Only my best friend knows that I write and even she has never seen any of it. In time I thought I would share with you #2 on my secret list – to publish what I’ve written. I dared not say it out loud, even to you. I was afraid to tell you that it was a fantasy series I’ve labored over for years. I cared so much about your opinion.
I wish we could have talked about writing more. I was so guarded about it. So superstitious. I wanted to read your manuscript but was afraid to ask in case I would have to reciprocate.
Now I won't ever have the chance unless fate decides that I stumble upon your book in a store someday. Like you, your story is lost to me.
Eden
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Wednesday, December 25 11:06 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I was happy and sad today. Happy because Dante and I spent time together. Sad because you weren't there. I wanted to buy new ornaments for you - ones you chose and will be forever yours, every time we put up the tree. For years to come.
I wanted you to be stringing the lights with me, with us. I wanted to buy you presents and watch you open them Christmas morning. I already had a list, did you know that? Months ago I made it.
I wanted so much to spend Christmas with you. I don’t know how many times I begged for you to come spend it with me.
I still remember how you told me you never celebrate it because of all the horrible memories from your childhood. How I despise your father and what he did to you. Not just because of Christmas but all the days you were neglected, all the times you were left to starve for food and for love.
I want to smother you with love, spoil you with affection. Erase every hurt, every bad memory. Were you making that up? Because I wasn't. I really do want to do all those things. I feel so sad. Not for myself, but for the poor, lonely little boy in my heart.
Eden
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Friday, December 27 5:17 PM
Fr: Vivian Lane
To: Eden Espinoza
Subject: HEY!
Guess what, um, it’s late December :)
Sorry, I haven’t been around lately. Just got back from Japan. But I’m here for the next few days and then I’m spending New Year’s in Hawaii with Steven.
Can we have dinner sometime this week before I leave?
BTW, I tried calling your phone and got someone else’s voice mail. Did you change it???
Love,
V
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Friday, December 27 6:03 PM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Vivian Lane
Subject: Re: HEY!
Hi, Vivi!
Sorry, I can’t this week. How about sometime in January?
How was Japan??? I’m so jealous!
I changed my number. Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I just texted you from it so save it to your contacts when you get the text.
Love,
Eden
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Tuesday, January 7 1:12 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I looked through all the pictures I have of you today. Especially the one of you as a baby. I was trying so hard, like I always do, to imagine what you look like. And then I remembered that they are probably false. They are probably pictures of someone else. Lots of someone elses.
Did you ever give me anything real?
Eden
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Saturday, January 18 2:33 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
I was suddenly very sad yesterday. The day was beautiful. The sun shining so brightly, as if there had never been a storm. I saw my movie, read my books. Dante was fine, happy. And I finally found an editor I could work with to help me with my series. Nothing was wrong.
I was buying meat at the butcher section of the grocery store. There was a man there who looked expectantly at me. He had his head shaved and was pale, about 6'1", and for a moment, a heartbreaking moment, I thought, "Adam." But right after that, I knew he wasn't, couldn't be. He was older, with glasses, which you don't like. He was wearing jogging pants, which you would never wear. And he was real, which you are not.
Yesterday, I resolved again to just sever all ties. Delete all my pictures of you, delete the voice recordings, never write another ghost e-mail. I'm only hurting myself by keeping up these stupid rituals. But in the end I couldn't.
You feel so close to me still. Despite the tortuous goodbye and the days of silence stretching out into interminable forevers, our connection has not been severed. Maybe it is just blind denial, a desperation to hold onto something that has died, to someone who will never return.
I am a ghost trapped in a room that has lain empty for months now, but I can still smell the lingering traces of your cologne, echoes of your voice, like distant thunder.
Eden
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Friday, January 24 10:23 AM
Fr: Vivian Lane
To: Eden Espinoza
Subject: Hi!
Hey, how are you??? I missed hanging out with you last month, and so did Regine and Sue. How about we get together this weekend? I am long overdue for a girls’ night out. A round of cosmos on me!!!
V
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Friday, January 24 11:00 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Vivian Lane
Subject: Re: Hi!
Hey
I’m sorry, I can’t this weekend. Made plans and I’m volunteering at Dante’s school.
How about February? I won’t be so busy then.
I miss you too.
Eden
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Friday, January 31 12:15 AM
Fr: Eden Espinoza
To: Eden Espinoza
Dear Adam,
It's here in my throat - strangling me.