Shadow of Time

by Jen Minkman

  Emily looked sideways to the living room door and raised her eyebrows. “O-kayy,” she drew out. “Whatever you say. Where do you want me to put the dessert?” She pointed at the plastic bag on the kitchen table.

  “What is it?”

  “Apple pie.”

  “Sounds good,” Josh said, walking into the kitchen. He was carrying Hannah’s guitar in one hand and caught her eye. “Do you mind?” he asked, holding it up.

  “No, of course not. I’ve been told you play well.”

  Emily smiled. “Don’t get me started. I’m chairwoman of the fan club.” She padded toward the fridge. “Shall I put it in here?”

  Hannah looked nonplussed. “What… the guitar?”

  “No, you idiot, the apple pie. Not the sharpest tool today, are you?”

  “Here comes today’s chef,” Ben announced, appearing in the doorway with two bulging grocery bags in his hands. He put the bags on the floor and hugged Emily. “Hi Em! Are you going to join Hannah and be my kitchen assistant?”

  “That might be wise,” Emily grinned.

  “I’ll go sit outside on the porch and play something.” Josh held up the guitar. “The kitchen is too small for four people anyway.”

  “Lazy rezzy,” Ben tsked.

  Josh gave him an innocent smile. “Stupid paleface,” he replied placidly.

  Hannah grabbed the bag of tomatoes that needed to be cut. The kitchen window was slightly ajar, and she could hear Josh plucking the strings and humming a tune. Emily was right – he sounded wonderful. His voice was deep and melodic. She hoped he would play some more music after dinner. If he did, she would stick to her end of the deal and play something on Friday. Which meant she had to frantically try to come up with awesome lyrics to accompany her melody within the next two days. No pressure.

  She was straining her ears to hear what Josh was singing, but the range hood’s fan was making too much noise. Emily poked her. “Drifting off?” she giggled, looking at the tomato on Hannah’s cutting board. She’d chopped it in at least thirty pieces.

  Hannah looked sideways. “Yeah, I guess. I’m a bit tired.”

  “So, what was up with Josh? He seemed a bit out of sorts when I came in.”

  “Oh, nothing. We were having a water fight and I got annoyed with him. He didn’t want to help me clean up.” Brilliant. She sounded like a fifty-year-old schoolmarm. Maybe she should just shut up and stick to chopping vegetables for a while.

  “This spaghetti is fantastic,” Emily commented, once they were all sitting on the porch having dinner. Ben looked proud of himself.

  “Yeah, that tomato sauce is great,” Josh agreed. “Maybe you can make some more of this stuff when you come to the rodeo on the rez this Saturday.” It was tradition to bring some food for the family organizing the event.

  They chatted some more about the upcoming rodeo, and Hannah leaned back in her chair. She finished her last bit of Coke and got up to get some more. No one seemed to pay attention to her, but then Ben also got up and followed her inside. He put a hand on her shoulder, his eyes searching her face. “What’s suddenly going on between you and Josh?” he asked flat-out.

  She shifted and tried to look innocent. “Uhm, what do you mean?”

  Ben shook his head with a smile. “Don’t give me that line. Something definitely happened when I was gone. Josh is acting weird. He keeps sneaking you glances without actually looking at you. You know. The same way you struggle not to stare at him. Did you guys kiss or something?”

  A flush raced under Hannah’s skin. “Uhm, no,” she stammered. “For a moment, I thought he … so I got nervous… I panicked… so, he must think I…” Her voice trailed off.

  “You want me to tell Josh you like him?” Ben somehow always managed to decipher her incoherent rants. “Man to man?”

  “No, Ben. Please. Just keep out of it, will you? I just have to think it over, okay?”

  Her brother smiled. “Okay. Whatever. Relax. I’ll sit back and wait while you think things over for the next two months.”

  Hannah pulled a face. “You know me too well.”

  They went back outside and sat down at the table, where Emily and Josh were just talking about traveling. Ben chimed in and told them how he was planning to travel through Eastern Europe with Katie next year. “She’s traveling through the west of Europe now, and that alone will take her thirty days. If all goes well, we’ll both have enough time and money to travel in the east part of Europe next summer. Which means I’ll have to slave away all year.” Ben and Katie were both second-year students of physiotherapy, but Ben still had a lot of catching up to do.

  “I made a trip to the four holy mountains last spring,” Josh said.

  “How did you travel?” Hannah asked. She knew the Navajo legend of the mountains that bordered their territory on four sides, as defined by their ancestors. Today’s Navajo Nation was within the imaginary lines formed by connecting the holy mountains on the map.

  “I went by car,” Josh replied. “Walking it was a bit too much for me.”

  “Wow! I’m surprised you left the rebellious motorcycle at home.”

  “Well, it was sort of a pilgrimage for me. I didn’t think it was appropriate to break the law. I left our village at dawn and visited the mountain in the west first.”

  “Why there?” Hannah inquired. “Shouldn’t you start in the east? Where the sun comes up?” Okay, she sounded like Miss Smarty-Pants, but she didn’t mind airing her knowledge to impress Josh. She wanted him to notice she still knew a lot about his culture.

  “I had my reasons. I wanted to evoke the powers of our ancestors, feel the spirits of the past, and go back in time.”

  Hannah blinked and couldn’t help staring at him. What he said was beautiful. Josh was the most unusual seventeen-year-old guy she had ever met.

  “The Diné all have a strong bond with the past, don’t they?” Ben said. “It really fascinates me. You always have a story for every occasion, and everything is connected. Balanced. What is your word for it again?”

  “Hózhó,” Hannah supplied. “Right?”

  Josh nodded. “You know what, this is the right moment to sing my song for you guys. It’s about balance and beauty.” He got Hannah’s guitar from behind his chair.

  “What’s it called?” Ben asked.

  “ ‘In Beauty May I Walk’. It’s a translation of a famous Diné prayer.”

  “Wow, you put that to music?” Emily smiled. “Let’s hear it!”

  Josh started to play. Hannah leaned forward in her chair and cupped her chin in her hands, her elbows leaning on the table. She stared at him. The melody he was playing was so beautiful and so fragile that she hardly dared to breathe. She didn’t want to make any unnecessary sound.

  Just when she thought the song didn’t have any words to it and she’d misunderstood Josh, he started to sing.

  In beauty may I walk;

  All day long may I walk;

  Through the returning seasons may I walk.

  Beautifully will I possess again

  Beautifully birds

  Beautifully butterflies...

  On the trail marked with pollen may I walk;

  With grasshoppers about my feet may I walk;

  With dew around my feet may I walk.

  With beauty before me may I walk

  With beauty behind me may I walk

  With beauty above me may I walk

  With beauty all around me,

  may I walk.

  In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, lively;

  In old age, wandering on a trail of beauty, living again...

  It is finished in beauty.

  This was truly mesmerizing. He’d written such a beautiful song. She could see a hint of tears in his eyes as he was singing the last verse. These were not his own words, but he could feel them as if they came straight from his heart.

  Ben broke the silence when the song was over. “Wow, Josh, that was great. You’re really talented. I feel
honored you wanted to sing this for us.”

  Josh looked up shyly. “I’m glad you liked it.”

  “You should play this at the rodeo on Saturday during the musical intro,” Emily said. “But I bet Sani is going to be on your case for changing the words of the prayer.”

  “He changed something?” Ben said.

  “Yeah, in the second verse. The original doesn’t feature butterflies.”

  “That’s right.” Josh carefully put the guitar against the porch railing. “I liked the lyrics better like that.” His gaze drifted to Hannah, who tried not to turn red. She suddenly remembered Josh had compared her to a butterfly yesterday evening. But he couldn’t possibly have changed the lyrics of his traditional song with her in mind. That was absurd.

  “Shall I clear the table?” she offered, so no one would stare at the blush creeping up her face. “We’ll make room for the tea and apple pie.” She started to clear away the plates, and was happy Emily got up to help her.

  “Who’s Sani?” Hannah asked curiously, while she and Em were rinsing the plates in the kitchen sink.

  “You never met him?”

  “Not that I’m aware of, no.”

  “Well, I’m not surprised. He is our traditional medicine man, our hataalii.” Her voice dropped a notch. “Sani used to stay out of our affairs. That’s why you probably never noticed him when you still hung out with us in Naabi’aani when we were teenagers. But lately, he’s been minding our business a lot more, ever since...” She hesitated. “Ever since Josh grew closer to him. Josh is part of the same clan as I am. His father’s clan is my mother’s clan. It’s been four years since things started to change for the Feather Clan, having to do with the special position Josh seems to have within the tribe, according to the hataalii.”

  Hannah’s curiosity piqued. “So – what kind of position is that?” Apparently, Josh had gone through more than just one metamorphosis in the years of her absence.

  “The point is, no one knows exactly. It all started when Josh came back from his vision quest. It’s common that a teenager consults the elderly people in the village after returning from such a quest, so nobody batted an eyelid when he went to Sani for advice. But people did raise eyebrows when it turned out he only wanted to talk to Sani, and refused to even speak to his grandparents about what he saw.”

  “And now what?”

  “Now? He’s just part of the community in Naabi’aani. But at the same time, it feels like he’s standing on the sidelines. And Sani talks about him as if we should treat him with more respect than you’d expect for a seventeen-year-old guy from a normal clan. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit puzzled Josh still hangs out with Ben like nothing changed.”

  Hannah stared out of the kitchen window, absent-mindedly piling the plates in the sink. She didn’t know what to say.

  Emily sighed. “Look, it’s not like Josh doesn’t belong to us anymore. He’s still part of us, of our clans, but he is just ... different. Sometimes I have the feeling Sani is interfering in his life too much and doesn’t allow him to be a teenager anymore.”

  “But I don’t see any awkwardness between you and Josh. You seem to be relaxed around him.”

  “That’s because I’m not on the rez. Nobody is paying attention to us now. I feel free here, and Josh is more relaxed outside of Naabi’aani too, although he tenses up occasionally.”

  That tensing-up part sounded familiar. Josh had suddenly been miles away when she asked him about his birthmark last night. What had that been about?

  Emily coughed. “I can’t help but notice that Josh is different around you, though. Not as carefree as with Ben. He looks at you. So intently.”

  Hannah knew she was blushing. “You noticed, huh?”

  Emily smiled faintly. “Well, I’m not blind, thank you very much.”

  “I don’t really know what’s going on, just that there is something going on between us. I want to get to know him better. You know, in a new way.”

  Emily gave her a mischievous smile, but then she put a hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Be careful with yourself, okay? I know what Josh has been like in the last couple of years. It might seem like he’s letting people in, but then the door slams in your face with him stepping off the playing field again. Like he doesn’t belong to the life he grew up in. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  At that moment, Ben walked into the kitchen and girl time was over. They helped Ben cut the pie and pour coffee and tea for the four of them. When they came back outside with the drinks and trays of food, Josh was sitting on the porch steps, gazing into the distance, as if his mind had wandered to a place where he could feel the spirits of the past.

  When Hannah woke up the next morning, the house was still quiet. She put the coffeemaker on while clearing away the mess from the porch table. After rinsing the cups from last night and putting her guitar back in the living room, she sat down on the porch steps and thought about yesterday evening.

  She’d been the first to go to bed. After Emily left, Ben and Josh had kept talking, but she’d felt restless sitting next to them at the table. All she wanted to do was ask Emily more questions about Josh and the way he’d changed, but her friend wouldn’t be back until the barbecue. Of course, she had also grown increasingly annoyed with herself for backing out of a potential steamy-kiss-scenario with Josh. She was such an idiot.

  Her gaze drifted to the driveway. Ben’s car was gone, so he was probably visiting Josh in Naabi’aani today. Well, so much the better. She could do with a day of peace and quiet, without having to worry about other people.

  At eleven o’clock, she got into the car and drove away with a backpack full of food and drinks, enough for the rest of the day. No idea what she’d be doing, but these provisions would keep her alive. On a sudden whim, she decided to drive to Page. The small town had a library she wanted to visit, although she couldn’t remember where exactly it was situated. The last time she had borrowed a book there was when she was fifteen.

  Once Hannah had parked the car, she strolled to Church Row, a street with tiny shops, restaurants and a few old church buildings. A second-hand music store caught her eye. Several crates of vinyl were on display underneath the awning outside.

  Wow, that shade looked really inviting. The heat outside was already scorching, and Hannah thankfully slipped under the protective canvas and rifled through the crate of records on the left, next to the entrance. She loved vinyl. One of her most prized possessions back home was a turntable.

  Apparently, no one had bothered to alphabetize anything. Which meant going through the entire collection to see if there was anything interesting for sale. After painstakingly plowing through all the records in the first crate, she stood up straight and stretched her back. Damn, she was beginning to feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

  Her eyes drifted to the shop window. Inside, there was even more music for sale. She should check out the CD selection next.

  Suddenly, her breath hitched. A familiar-looking someone was bent over the A-to-C section. It was Josh.

  He looked up, as if he’d felt the weight of her stare, and Hannah quickly ducked her head again. She didn’t want him to think she was spying on him. Inconspicuously, she glanced up through her eyelashes and saw that Josh was still looking at her. He was in the back of the store and remained immobile, without waving at her or making any move to attract her attention. Hannah couldn’t see whether Ben was also in the store, but he couldn’t be far. Josh and Ben had planned to spend the day together, after all.

  Why was Josh staring at her like that? Why didn’t he come outside and say hi? Hannah swallowed and wiped the sweat off her forehead. She felt strange. Grabbing the crate of records, she tried to keep her balance. A buzzing sound filled her head and she felt dizzier by the minute.

  And all of a sudden, she knew that this had happened before. She knew it, having the strongest, strangest sense of déjà vu ever. It was like she’d felt this a long time ago. This feeling of longing for
Josh, and at the same time, this total sense of separation from him. A sharp, stabbing pain in her heart because all he did was observe her, unwilling to move, unable to reach out and touch her.

  What was happening to her? Staggering backwards, she fumbled in her bag to find a bottle of water. Maybe the heat outside was becoming too much for her. She couldn’t shake the absurd feeling that Josh was somehow pushing her away.

  Well, she wouldn’t be the one to break the spell by walking into the store and saying hello, pretending she hadn’t seen him yet. If he didn’t want to talk to her, fine. That was his choice.

  Still feeling slightly dazed, Hannah turned around and took several deep breaths. Her vision became clear again. It was time to stick to her original plan and visit the library. The building would probably be air-conditioned, so at least she could cool down and get herself together.

  She grabbed her backpack and hurried to the street corner where she’d spotted a town map in the bus stop. Without looking back at the store, she made her way to South Lake Powell Boulevard and climbed the broad stone steps leading up to the library. Once inside, she sat down on the nearest couch she saw and opened her bag.

  To her own surprise, she pulled out her notebook and a pen instead of her water bottle. That feeling of déjà vu had given her a sudden flash of inspiration. Frantically scribbling, she jotted down a set of lyrics to her song. No way would she have the guts to sing it to Josh, like, ever, but at least she’d managed to get the confusing emotions out of her system for now.

  Hannah put away the notebook, got up and wandered through the library, slowly making her way to the section on religion and spirituality. After a bit of browsing, she managed to collect four books about Navajo religion and vision quests. Flopping down on a couch next to the bookcase, she put the pile of books on her lap and got out her notebook once more, to make notes of any interesting things she came across.

  “A young man coming back from a vision quest sometimes carries material objects or otherwise symbolical marks handed down to him by his spiritual guide,” she mumbled to herself, scanning the page for more information. Josh had seen or experienced something during his vision quest that he didn’t want to discuss with anyone except Sani. Could that bear-shaped birthmark have something to do with it? She was almost certain he’d gotten it after his quest. He didn’t have it when she knew him as a young boy. And he had looked so absent-minded when she’d asked him. He had sounded so distant.