Shadow of Time

by Jen Minkman

  Hannah nodded, almost ashamed of herself. “Unloaded, though.”

  He looked grim. “So that’s why they suddenly decided to leave you alone.”

  “I really don’t like guns.” Hannah stared at her hands, somehow feeling like Josh was judging her.

  “Hey. I know. It wasn’t your fault.”

  She looked up, and for a split second she saw his face as it had been in her dream last night – older, wiser, and completely focused on her. She stared into his dark eyes and heard the sounds of people shouting in Spanish, smelled the burning fire of her nightmare.

  “Would you like something to drink?” she broke the silence.

  Josh blinked, shaking his head as if he’d been lost in thought as well. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just have some Coke.” He smiled at her and grabbed a can from the table.

  Hannah plopped down on the porch cross-legged and watched Josh taking a long drink of Coke, sitting down on the steps, his back against the railing. She absent-mindedly plucked the top string of the guitar she’d put in her lap. She tuned it. When she looked up again, she caught Josh staring at her hand as it touched the strings. His gaze wandered upward and he looked into her eyes. Hannah bit her lip. The only thing she heard was the wind in the trees and her own frantic heartbeat.

  She broke eye contact and looked down at her hands. Her hands that were suddenly playing her own song. It was like they had a life of their own. She wanted to play this song for him alone.

  She shouldn’t look up anymore, or she’d lose courage. The only thing she should focus on was controlling her breath and getting rid of the inevitable ball of cotton in her throat. When she finally started singing, she somehow remembered every word of the lyrics she had written down only yesterday.

  Look at me

  Look for me

  Oh, embrace me

  Hold me strong.

  I have wandered the ages

  I have roamed the earth

  I have crossed space and time

  for your song.

  I have waited

  I am waiting

  I will wait for you;

  One and thousand summers long.

  When the last chord faded, Hannah looked up, meeting Josh’s eyes. He was staring at her so intensely that her brain flatlined. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothng came out. She hurriedly closed it again when he put down his drink, shifted onto his knees and leaned over to her.

  He put one hand on hers – the hand that had plucked the strings – and his other hand pushed away a stray lock of hair from her face. Then he pressed his lips to her cheek. It felt so warm, so familiar, and yet so brand new. When Josh moved away from her, he finally broke the silence. “That was the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard,” he said earnestly.

  A shaky breath escaped her lips. “Thank you,” she whispered with a blush.

  He smiled faintly. “Don’t thank me. I should thank you for singing to me.”

  Hannah looked down at the neck of her guitar. Her heart was dancing in her chest. She’d pulled it off! She had sung her new song for Josh alone. If only he knew she had written the lyrics with him in mind.

  Josh scrambled to his feet, gazing at the road. “Is that Nick?” He tilted his head to an old, green Jeep coming around the corner.

  Hannah put away her guitar and got up too. “Yeah, that’s him,” she said, when she saw a brown-haired guy wearing aviator sunglasses sitting behind the wheel.

  “Will you do me a favor?” Josh then asked in a serious tone. “Will you please stop being insecure about your music? You really don’t need to be.”

  “O-okay,” she stuttered, a bit overwhelmed.

  “Good.” He put his hand on her arm for a moment, then he walked down the steps and got his car keys out to move the Mustang and make room for Nick’s Jeep.

  “Am I that early?” Nick asked in surprise when he walked up the steps, looking around. “Where is everybody?”

  “Fishing,” Hannah explained. “Slaving away to feed us.”

  Josh sat down at the table and invited Nick to do the same. “Let’s start the meeting,” he joked when he saw the enormous pile of papers and notebooks Nick had brought along.

  Nick looked flustered. “Sorry to bother you with so much work on a Friday night.”

  “Don’t worry about it. It’s summer break. For the next two months, every day is weekend for me.”

  Nick poured himself a glass of Coke and Josh leafed through Nick’s notes. Hannah got her book from the living room and sat down on the spot where Josh had listened to her song only moments ago. For several minutes, she stared at the letters on the paper, but it was like she’d suddenly turned illiterate. She didn’t absorb a single word. The kiss he had pressed on her cheek played over and over again in her mind, her thoughts like a needle stuck in a record groove. She listened to his deep voice, telling Nick about the history of the Diné people.

  If only Emily were here. At least then she wouldn’t have to pretend she was reading.

  “Are you okay?” Nick inquired. “You keep sighing.”

  Hannah inwardly moaned. She had to get out of here or she’d drive herself nuts.

  “I’m fine. I’m just going to go, uhm... ”

  At that moment, Emily walked up to the cabin. “For a walk. With Emily!” Hannah finished. “See you guys later.” She dumped her book on the table and bounded off the stairs. “Hey Em! Where’s your car?”

  “At home. My dad gave me a ride this morning. I can drive back with Josh.” She waved at him and then eyed Nick. “Who’s that?”

  “Come on, let’s go for a walk.” Hannah steered her friend away from the cabin before she would strike up an entire conversation with Nick. There would be plenty of time to do that later, and right now, she just wanted to get away for a while.

  Emily chuckled and followed her. “Sure. Are we going to talk about, uhm, someone? Is that why you’re herding me out of here?”

  Hannah giggled. “No, I just want to take a walk.”

  They strolled down the sandy path toward the beach. Hannah kept her mouth shut. Emily would start asking her questions sooner or later anyway.

  “So. You look sort of dreamy,” Emily ventured after a minute.

  “Hmm?”

  Her friend giggled. “Don’t play innocent. You really like him, don’t you?”

  Hannah gave up. “Yeah. I do.” She smiled faintly. “I just played my new song for Josh. Alone.”

  “Wow! What did he think?”

  “He said he’d never heard such a beautiful song in his life,” Hannah replied with a blush. “And that means a lot, coming from someone that talented.”

  Emily smiled. “I’m happy to hear he’s so sweet to you. He’s really letting you in, isn’t he? It’s obvious he feels close to you.”

  “I wouldn’t mind feeling him even closer.”

  “Ooh, Slutsville.”

  “Shut up.”

  They walked past the deck of The Winking Shrimp. Hannah’s gaze wandered to the jetty where Josh had been walking next to Ben a few days ago, nearly giving her a heart attack by his sudden re-appearance after their meeting at the gas station. It somehow seemed like such a long time ago. And all the years in which she’d visited this place and hung out with Josh on the reservation seemed even further away. Last time she was here, she’d been a high-school student, and Josh had still been a kid. On the reservation, he’d always called her sha’di – the Navajo word for older sister. Josh called Ben shik’is, his brother and friend. In Diné culture, it was common to avoid using people’s names in their presence out of respect. Family members were addressed by their title, because those relations were important. Even the name ‘Josh’ was a nickname based on his real Navajo war name. It was a name devised to be used by whites. Josh had once told Ben and her his real name, though, but she’d forgotten it along the way.

  “What’s Josh’s real name again?” Hannah wondered aloud.

  “Shash,” Emily replied. “It mean
s ‘bear’ in our language.”

  “Oh?” Hannah blinked. “You... you mean the animal?” So his name corresponded with that strange birthmark on his chest. In her book, that was way too much of a coincidence. Of course, if it had actually been a birthmark, it wouldn’t be so strange. His grandparents would have given him his war name because of his mark, but it only appeared on his chest later. She was almost sure he got it after his vision quest. Something mysterious must have happened during the quest. But what could it be? If only she could find out. Josh wasn’t about to tell her, and pumping him for information would probably have the opposite effect, knowing him.

  The two girls sat down at the waterside. Hannah gazed at the beach, where a group of guys were sitting around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows. Even though the three boys didn’t look like the drunk teenagers of last night, they reminded her of them. Somehow, their presence felt the same. She shivered.

  Emily followed her stare. “What’s up? You look spaced out.”

  “I was harassed by some guys last night,” Hannah said softly.

  “What, really? Those guys over there?”

  “No. I just ... they sort of reminded me of the situation.” She quickly told Emily what had happened. She didn’t want to dwell on it for too long. Thinking about it cast a shadow over her good mood.

  “Good idea to file a report,” Emily said. “I hope they get arrested. You’re lucky nothing happened to you.”

  No, nothing happened, except that she felt irrationally scared of people who had nothing to do with her assailants. Maybe that fear had made her dream such strange things last night. It was as good an explanation as any.

  When the two girls got back to the house, Nick was typing away on Ben’s laptop while Josh was stirring up the coals on the barbecue.

  “Enjoy your walk?” Josh asked when Hannah came over to him.

  “I did. Enjoy Nick’s interview?” She looked at Nick, who was now typing and chatting to Emily at the same time. “I see he’s still processing data?”

  “He borrowed Ben’s laptop so he could take notes faster.” Josh wiped the sweat off his forehead. Hannah laughed when he smeared a stain of soot across his eyebrow.

  “What?” he asked, a faint smile around his lips.

  “Are you on the war path?” she teased, laughing even more when she saw the bemused look in his eyes.

  “You talk in riddles,” he said with a grin.

  “You have a war stripe on your brow.” Hannah reached out and rubbed the black stain, trying to get it off his skin.

  She swallowed audibly when Josh suddenly moved closer.

  “Where?” he said, reaching for his forehead. His fingers touched hers, and he looked at her from up close.

  “Yes – there,” she stammered.

  “Is it gone?” he mumbled.

  “Yes.”

  “Do I still look like an idiot?” He stared down at her with a twinkle in his eyes.

  “No.” Hannah wondered when exactly her entire vocabulary had turned monosyllabic. She stared at him in the silence stretching between them.

  “Josh, could you come over here for a minute?” Emily called out. She was still helping Nick with his notes.

  “Yep.” Abruptly, Josh whipped around and walked up the steps. Hannah listlessly prodded the barbecue coals with a pair of tongs, trying to breathe evenly. He was driving her absolutely insane. This whole situation was.

  “Should I put on some hamburgers yet?” she called out to the others.

  “Why not?” Nick replied. “Writing always makes me hungry.”

  Hannah put five burgers on the barbecue, her veggie burger a bit to the side. While the burgers were sizzling, she was scanning the sky for stars. Dusk was setting in. In the east, the pale crescent moon was rising in the cloudless firmament.

  “I bet we’ll see a lot of stars tonight,” she said hopefully to Josh. He was just putting some bottles of sauce on the table next to the barbecue.

  “I’m sure. You like star-gazing, right?”

  Hannah nodded. “There was a time I could find all the constellations in the night sky and I knew all their names, too.”

  “Me too. But the Diné don’t have the same constellations. I could teach you about a few, if you’d like.”

  “Of course I would!” For all she cared, Josh could teach her how to add and subtract. As long as he wasn’t distant or cold with her. But so far, the day had been wonderful in that respect.

  At six o’clock, Ben was back with the neighbors, who proudly carried a bucket full of fish to the barbecue.

  “I’ll gut those in a minute,” Josh offered when Ivy and Amber handed him the catch of the day. They all shook hands and introduced themselves.

  “Hi, I’m Emily Begay. Hannah told me you are going to study natural medicine,” Emily said to Amber. “I just finished my studies, actually!”

  Within minutes, Amber and Emily were engaged in deep conversation about medicinal herbs used by the Diné on the reservation. Nick put away Ben’s laptop and helped get the food ready.

  By the time it was really getting dark, everybody was sitting on the lawn in front of the cabin, having drinks and snacks, waiting for the trout on the barbecue to be ready. Ben had taken Hannah’s guitar and was playing some golden oldies.

  “What kind of food are we supposed to bring along to the rodeo tomorrow?” Nick wanted to know when they were all sitting around a campfire after dinner and dessert.

  “Everything but alcohol,” Josh said.

  “Is that a taboo in your culture?” Ivy asked.

  Josh nodded. “It is officially forbidden in Navajo Nation. On the rez, they call it tó tsi'naa'iiáhí – the water that drives the mind crazy. I stay away from it as much as possible,” he said pointedly.

  “You have bad experiences with alcohol?” Amber asked. She had picked up on his tone.

  Josh hesitated for a second. “I watched a close relative slowly going to ruin because of the stuff,” he then said in a taut voice.

  Hannah frowned. Who was Josh talking about? She knew all members of his immediate family, and they definitely weren’t alcoholics.

  Ben gave his friend an equally confused look. “Who, Josh?”

  The circle of friends around the fire fell silent, and in that silence, Josh shrugged noncommittally. “Never mind,” he mumbled, a guarded expression on his face. “You don’t know him.”

  Ben decided to drop the matter. He looked away and started to tell Nick about last year’s rodeo in Naabi’aani, clearly trying to ignore Josh’s strange behavior. Josh had ended up in the twilight zone again, caught up in thoughts he obviously didn’t want to share with anyone.

  When the heat of the fire became too much for her, Hannah leaned backwards on her elbows to cool off. Josh leaned backwards beside her and eyed her questioningly. “Tired?”

  “A bit.” She felt languid from staying close to the fire for so long, and stared into his eyes from up close, the two of them breaking the circle around the flames.

  “Too tired for star-gazing?” he continued.

  “I’m never too tired for that.”

  Josh looked up. “We can’t see anything here.”

  Hannah paused. “No,” she admitted.

  “Come on,” he whispered, climbing to his feet.

  Hannah’s heart suddenly thumped in her chest. She scrambled up too, and then winced. The backs of her knees still stung like hell. She took a few hesitant steps and stumbled after Josh to the side of the cabin.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  After the bright firelight, her eyes still had to get used to the dark of the summer night. Hannah could only make out the outline of Josh’s head and shoulders.

  “Yeah,” she replied. “I just like walking like a chimp. I think it looks charming.”

  He chuckled and stared up at the sky. She followed his gaze.

  “You know, when I was little I used to watch the heavens and look for the place where the angels lived,” she said
softly. “I really thought God was somewhere among the stars.”

  “And now?”

  She paused. “You mean, why do I watch the heavens now?”

  “No. Where you think God is now.” For some reason, that question didn’t sound weird or pompous coming from him. He just sounded interested.

  “Well ... now? I think God is everywhere. But people don’t open up to His presence on a daily basis. They close off.”

  Josh didn’t say anything, but put an arm around her shoulders and stood a bit closer.

  “You think?” he asked. “Is that what you do, too?”

  She shook her head. “No, I don’t. But most white people walk this earth as if it’s hostile territory. They have this urge to control and subdue nature. So, they take God out of the equation, out of this world, far above it. And your people place God in everything. That’s why the earth is their home. I think.” She blew out a breath. End of philosophical rant. Had she lost him now?

  “You’re right. We deeply respect the earth. We are a part of her.” Josh turned his face to her. “You see the differences between our cultures very clearly,” he said softly. Somehow, he sounded wise beyond his years, and for a split second, it felt as if he was addressing her as her senior. In a flash, Hannah saw his face, older than she’d ever seen in reality – the face from her dream last night. She couldn’t get that image out of her head.

  “Uhm, you said you’d point out some of the Navajo constellations to me,” she said, when he stared up at the sky and remained silent.

  Josh tilted his head to the Big Dipper. “Náhookos Bika’ii. The protective father-figure of our night sky.” He made a quarter turn and indicated Cassiopeia. “And that’s the mother of the stars, Náhookos Bi’áadii.”

  Hannah took it all in. It was a shame she couldn’t tell Josh anything about the mythology behind the constellations she knew, even though she knew all the names by heart. There were no fathers or mothers in her firmament.

  “Do you have a good relationship with your parents?” she suddenly blurted out, not really knowing where the question came from.

  Josh hesitated for a second. “Yes. I do.”