Shadow of Time

by Jen Minkman

  “Josh,” she started, cringing at the wavering sound of her own voice. “What’s wrong?”

  He looked sideways, his eyes cold and distant. “We need to talk,” he said, his voice so impersonal it sent a shiver through her.

  Josh kept driving, passed the beach and turned onto the sandy track leading up to the log cabins. He parked the car alongside the road and cut the ignition.

  Hannah gulped. Josh turned toward her but kept quiet. The enduring silence between them made her ears throb.

  “I’m sorry,” he finally spoke up. “But I need some space. This is all going too fast.”

  She eyed him uncomprehendingly. “You ... you need time?” she croaked.

  Silence tick-tocked between them. Josh closed his eyes, and then slowly shook his head. “I think I made a mistake.”

  A mistake?

  His words hit her heart like bullets. Tears welled up in her eyes. No. No. Oh God, no, not this. She stared at Josh, completely lost for words. Her hands started to shake. She wanted to talk, to convince him this was nonsense, but a giant hand had locked her throat, preventing her desperate thoughts from spilling out.

  “But ... why?” she finally whispered plaintively.

  “I thought I wanted this, but it’s not working for me. I should have thought it over. I’m sorry,” he said in a monotone. His eyes didn’t betray a single feeling or thought going on in his head.

  Hannah swallowed, blinking back her tears. Her heart slowed down, stuttered, and for a second, she wished she could die right now. She’d never felt more hurt and betrayed in her entire life. “Oh,” she whispered.

  He looked grim, his face almost creased with distaste, as if he was about to kick her out of the car. She looked down at the floor. He still hadn’t spoken.

  “Well, I ... I suppose I should be going then.” She couldn’t take her eyes from her hands gripping her bag like it was a safety buoy. Her thoughts were a mindless jumble, spinning wildly. In her mind, she saw Josh, looking at her with such heartbreaking desire when they kissed each other for the first time. She remembered him saying how much she meant to him. And now, it was all gone. He didn’t want her anymore. Just like that.

  With teary eyes, she reached for the door handle on her side. Suddenly, she felt his hand on her shoulder. She looked up. Was he going to stop her?

  “I’ll see you around during the weekend,” Josh said softly.

  She tried to decipher the look in his eyes, the emotions hiding behind them. No regret. No sadness. No, it was acceptance. And yet, he looked so mournful that she couldn’t believe he was only seventeen.

  The next moment, his hands were back on the steering wheel, his eyes cold again. He’d shut her out. He had closed the door.

  In a daze, Hannah got out of the car. She just stood there, not looking back when Josh turned the car and drove off.

  She was still there, motionless, when Ben appeared around the corner, his face a big question mark. “Was that Josh just driving away? Didn’t he want to have dinner with us?” He looked more closely at his sister, and took a step toward her. “Hey, Han. Are you feeling okay? You look like shit.”

  She shook her head. “No.” No. No. The only word repeating over and over in her mind. She numbly stared at her brother.

  “Okay, you’re scaring me. What’s up?” he insisted, looking upset.

  “He ... ” She felt fresh tears well up in her eyes.

  “Who?” Ben put his arms around her and held her close. “Who?” he repeated softly.

  “Josh,” she cried.

  “Did something happen to him?” Ben gently shook her. “Say something, please.”

  “He – broke – up – with me,” she hiccupped, sounding pathetic. She clung to Ben. “He’s gone. He doesn’t want me anymore.”

  Ben hugged her tight and rubbed her back. At the same time, she felt him tense up. He was angry.

  “Come on,” he whispered in her ear after what seemed like an eternity. “You can’t stay here. Let’s go back to the cabin.”

  He carefully led her up the porch steps, dismissing Ivy with a wave of his hand when she approached them. Hannah stumbled into her bedroom and sank down on the bed, staring at the ceiling with tears streaming down her face.

  Ben followed her and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Can you tell me what happened exactly?”

  Hannah cleared her throat. “Everything was fine today.” Another cry escaped her mouth. “And then, he suddenly changed. He was so distant. He ... said he’d made a mistake. Said he needed space.”

  Ben’s face grew more puzzled by the minute. “Made a mistake?” he echoed. “But that’s absurd. I’ve never seen a couple so right for each other as you two.”

  Hannah bit her lip hard, just to stop herself from crying again. “I feel so empty, Ben. So empty.”

  Ben stroked her hair. “But didn’t he say anything about why he changed his mind?” He frowned. “You know what, I don’t buy it. I know him. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s impossible.”

  “Please, Ben, stop talking about it.” Hannah’s voice had dried to a whisper. “Emily was right when she warned me. He keeps pushing people away when they come too close. She said so. I should have listened to her.” She turned on her side, staring at the wall.

  Ben touched her shoulder. “Okay. I know this must be horrible for you. I’ll leave you alone.”

  She turned her tear-streaked face toward her brother. “Are you going to be at the neighbors’?” she sniffed.

  Ben smiled. “Yeah, I’ll be close. Eating pancakes across the lawn. No worries.” His voice was sweet. “I take it you want to stay here?”

  Hannah nodded wordlessly.

  “Do you still want to join the Greenes on their trip to Canyon de Chelly?” he went on.

  She hesitated for a second. The idea of staying here for two days without Ben to cheer her up when she missed Josh like crazy wasn’t exactly appealing. Actually, it was a good idea to leave St. Mary’s Port behind for a few days.

  “I still want to, yes,” she replied. “Tell them I’ll feel better tomorrow.” She tried to smile.

  Ben patted her on the head, then got up and quietly closed her bedroom door. Hannah waited till she heard Ben leave the house before she burst out in another bout of tears. In the end, she slipped away into a restless sleep. The dark taking hold of her felt peaceful and safe.

  Hannah woke up again when somebody opened the door to her room and light streamed in from the kitchen.

  “You awake?” Emily asked in a low voice.

  “Hmm,” Hannah moaned in response. She was hoarse from crying.

  Emily pushed the door open. Behind her, Hannah saw Amber and Ivy sitting at the kitchen table, concern etched on their faces.

  “Can we come in?” Emily continued.

  Hannah nodded slowly. Her friends came in and all hugged her for a moment.

  “Where’s Ben?” Hannah whispered. Even whispering was painful with her sore throat.

  “In Naabi’aani,” Emily answered. “He wanted to talk to Josh.”

  Hannah closed her eyes and smiled weakly. Ben hadn’t listened. That must mean he was really angry. He probably wanted to confront his friend and ask him what had happened.

  “I just want to lie down in the dark some more,” Hannah squeaked. “Call me when Ben gets home, okay?”

  When the door closed behind the girls, she closed her eyes too. She had no idea what time it was, but despite the hours of sleep, she was still tired.

  It was dark outside. Hannah pushed the curtain aside to stare at the moon shining brightly in the night sky. The last time she’d looked at it, Josh had told her she was more beautiful than the moon. He’d whispered to her that she caught the sunlight and wore it on her skin.

  If only she could cry again, but she was numb. Closing her eyes, she tried to imagine his face in her mind, but she couldn’t do it.

  When Ben got home again, she was under the covers, shivering with something that felt
like fever. Her body was cold to the bone.

  “Han?” she heard Ben calling through the door. “Are you still awake?”

  “Yes,” she wanted to call back, but her voice was still failing her. She got up out of bed and hobbled to the door, her blanket wrapped around her like a cloak.

  “I lost my voice,” she explained in a whisper when she let her brother in.

  He sat down on her bed. “Josh wasn’t in Naabi’aani,” he told her with a frown. “I did talk to his parents, though. They told me he came home this afternoon and started packing immediately. He didn’t want to say where he was going. His dad thought he might be leaving for Tuba City a couple of days early, but Josh said he wasn’t.”

  So Josh had disappeared. Not just from her life, but also from his home village. She knew she should be sad about it – worried, even – but she couldn’t muster up the energy.

  “I’m sorry you drove all the way out there for nothing,” she said almost inaudibly. “Thanks, Ben. For sticking up for me. For wanting to talk to him. But really, you shouldn’t. Just stay out of it. There’s no point.”

  She could hear her own despondency. Ben put his arms around her and comforted her. “Go to sleep. Take one of Em’s sedatives to calm yourself. I’ll wake you up on time to go to Canyon de Chelly tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” Hannah whispered. All she wanted was to crawl back into bed. She was freezing.

  Ben handed her a pill from her bedside table, a glass of water, and then tucked her in.

  “You’ll feel better tomorrow,” was the last thing he said before she slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

  She didn’t feel better.

  All morning, Hannah stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling. The weather outside was beautiful, birds singing close to her window. It was strange how everything around her just went on like nothing had changed, while she seemed to be frozen in time.

  She listlessly threw on some clothes after Emily finally knocked on her door to get her out of there, and walked into the kitchen, waving at Amber and Ivy sitting at the table. Her voice was still mostly gone.

  “Tea?” Amber offered, pointing at a pot of green tea in front of her.

  Hannah nodded. She poured herself a mug, staring thoughtlessly at the rings in the wood of the table.

  “Hey.” Emily scooted closer and put her hand on Hannah’s. “Are you feeling a bit better?”

  “Yeah. I’m okay.” The tiniest hint of a smile creased her lips.

  “Would you like some breakfast?” Ivy pushed a plate with some pancakes toward her.

  Hannah shook her head. “Not hungry,” she rasped.

  “When was the last time you ate something?” Emily asked in a mother-hen voice.

  Hannah thought back. The last thing she could remember eating was a granola bar she’d had in the car on their way to Lower Antelope Canyon. She shrugged. “Dunno. I don’t want anything.”

  Emily pulled the plate closer and started to cut the pancakes into pieces. “At least have a few bites,” she almost begged. “Ben said we should feed you.”

  Hannah heard the shower turn off in the bathroom, and knew Ben would come back to the kitchen in a minute. Of course she didn’t want to worry him, so she reluctantly forced herself to eat some morsels as a poor excuse for a late breakfast.

  Pancakes. The last time she’d had pancakes was when Josh had made them.

  When Ben was done showering and stepped into the kitchen in clean clothes, she’d managed to eat half a pancake. She pushed away the plate.

  “I’m going to pack,” she whispered.

  In her bedroom, Hannah haphazardly tossed some clothes into her duffel bag. Her gaze lingered on the dreamcatcher above her bed. She wasn’t sure she wanted to bring the traditional piece of art with her on the trip. Part of her wanted to dream of Josh again, so she wouldn’t feel so horribly alone.

  Heaving a sigh, she zipped up her bag and left the dreamcatcher dangling on the wall peg above her bed. She slogged to the bathroom to grab her toothbrush, shampoo and a few towels.

  Ben was drinking coffee at the counter when she came back into the kitchen.

  “How are you, sis?” He reached out for her.

  Hannah quietly leaned against him, settling into his arm around her shoulders.

  “Empty,” she whispered. “Sore throat.”

  “Just take it easy today.”

  Actually, it was a good thing she’d lost her voice. A good excuse to shut up and let the world pass her by. When she got outside and put her bag in the Chevy, Paul and Sarah eyed her with pity, so they’d obviously heard about what happened as well. The Greenes were busy stuffing bags into the trunk of their station wagon.

  Josh would probably be on his way to Tuba City by now. Maybe that’s why he needed space. To hook up with all those nice Navajo girls his own age on campus.

  Hannah bit her lip when the tears started to well up again. This was stupid. She had to stop thinking like that, going round in circles she was inventing herself.

  Ben had offered to drive to Canyon de Chelly today, so after a few more minutes, they drove off in his car, following the Greenes. The radio blared some eighties tunes, and slowly but surely, Hannah relaxed in her seat and managed to un-hunch her shoulders and neck. The sun touched her face. The sunglasses she was wearing protected her red, swollen eyes from the bright rays of sunlight.

  The medicine pouch rested on the skin between her breasts. She’d put it around her neck out of habit, but frankly, she couldn’t imagine being shocked by anything right now, not even if the skinwalkers turned out to be sitting in the Chevy’s backseat right this moment. The landscape scurried past the car in a blur of red, yellow and brown. The blue sky above seemed almost turquoise. Just like the bead he had given to her.

  Hannah sniffed. She tried to imagine what the rest of her vacation would look like – her systematically trying to avoid Josh and keep sane at the same time. Maybe she wouldn’t even have to try. Maybe he would stay away of his own accord. He probably wouldn’t want to see her again, feeling embarrassed about the whole situation.

  All afternoon, Hannah sat next to Ben with an artificial hint of a smile plastered on her face so she wouldn’t worry him too much. The slice of pizza Ben had ordered for her at a drive-thru was on a napkin in her lap, and she was chewing on a bit of crust with a face she hoped looked hungry and lively enough.

  “How much further?” she whispered hoarsely, her voice having improved a little bit.

  Ben looked at the map in his lap. “Uhm... I don’t know exactly.”

  Hannah stuffed the last bite of pizza in her mouth, crumpled the napkin into a ball and pulled the map toward her. “Let me have a look then.”

  She calculated it was still a twenty-mile drive to Chinle, and from there, about seven miles to the campsite where they would spend the night. The place was close to Spider Rock, towering high over the valley, standing tall in the middle of the canyon.

  Ben followed the neighbors’ station wagon and took the exit to Spider Rock Campground. It didn’t take long before they reached the entrance. Paul went into the reception building to announce their arrival and pay for the large hoghan they’d rented. When he came outside again, he enthusiastically waved a map of the campsite grounds. Soon enough, they found their lodgings for the night.

  Hannah held her breath when the large construction came into sight. It was a beautiful building, made of tree trunks plastered with clay. The location was breathtaking, too. The door, traditionally overlooking the east, offered them a fantastic view of the valley.

  She got out of the car and carried her bags to the door. Then, she walked toward the fence near the precipice, her eyes sweeping the canyon.

  Ivy settled down next to her. “Isn’t this just beautiful?” she said.

  Hannah nodded. “You bet,” she croaked, pulling a face. “More beautiful than my voice, on any account.”

  Ivy smiled warmly. “Are you going to join us for a walk? My parents are too worn out
from driving all the way here, so they’re just going to stay here and prepare dinner. Emily and Amber wanted to take a stroll along the path bordering the edge. We’ll be visiting the bottom of the canyon with a guide tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll go ask Ben too.”

  Her brother had just locked the car when she approached him and tapped him on the shoulder. “You tired?” she asked hoarsely.

  “Sort of. Why?”

  “You want to join us for a walk?”

  “Nah.” He shook his head. “I promised Paul and Sarah I’d help them cook. You go and take a walk with the girls. By the time you get back here, we’ll have a nice meal waiting for all of you.”

  Hannah hugged Ben, pressing herself against him with a sigh. “Thanks,” she simply said. “For everything.”

  Once she ambled along the edge of Canyon de Chelly with Emily, Amber and Ivy, the peacefulness of the surroundings began to take an effect on Hannah, despite everything that had happened. It was all so quiet, magical and untouched. There were hardly any tourists on the rambling path alongside the valley, and no sound from the modern world could be heard from here – no car engines, no machines, no loud music. It must have been like this hundreds of years ago. The path took them past scraggly trees, big grassy plains and sandy tracks. Every now and then, their walk took them close to the canyon’s edge, and each time it did, the surface dropped away and showed them another magnificent view.

  “Come on, let’s check out what’s up there,” Amber called out, pointing at a rock plateau higher up the hill, away from the beaten track. “I bet the view’s fantastic.”

  They came across a fork in the road. To the left, the path disappeared into some woodland, and to the right, a narrower track snaked upwards, leading to an outcropping overlooking the entire canyon.

  Hannah gingerly took a step forward on the path to the right. She suddenly felt dizzy, almost losing her balance and bumping into Ivy. “Sorry,” she mumbled, trying to steady herself. She had the sudden urge to run up the hill, even though her wooziness hadn’t gone. Instead, it turned into a strange and urgent feeling of déjà-vu. Every step Hannah took further upward made her surer – she had seen this all before. She had walked this road before.