Kev

by Mark A Labbe

  “Too late, I’m afraid. I’ve already changed my data banks, Turd Fondler.”

  “What the hell is this?”

  “The Show. Now, are you ready for your next challenge?”

  I decided that I was dreaming and that the only way to get through the dream would be to play along. “Sure. What’s the challenge?”

  “You have to save the Nexonians from their evil dictator. Are you ready?”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Are you ready?”

  “Who the hell are the Nexonians?”

  “They’re on Neta Nexus Nine, about a million light-years from you.”

  “How do I get there?”

  “Well, you could just go there in your usual way, or you could ask the blue cube to take you there.”

  One of the guys tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You okay, buddy? You’re just staring off into space.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, but I was anything but fine.

  “We’re done,” said the guy.

  I reached into my pocket, pulled out a check and handed it to him.

  “You sure you’re okay?” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I just forgot something.”

  “By the way,” said the guy. “What happened in here?”

  “My friend exploded,” I said, remembering what Barry had told me.

  “Oh. He was one of them. I’m sorry for your loss, pal.”

  “Thanks.”

  The guy left and B24ME said, “Turd Fondler?”

  “What?” I cried out, annoyed and feeling set upon.

  “Folks, I can tell our friend, Turd Fondler, needs a little push,” said B24ME.

  I heard the sounds of what I assumed were people or maybe aliens, part of some studio audience, some cheering, and some booing.

  The Show

  I appeared in a bustling city, surrounded by aliens of all shapes and sizes, all of them moving with purpose, never stopping. When their paths crossed, which they often did, they simply passed through each other. I heard voices, more than I could possibly count, all saying the same thing, “Time for work, not for play,” over and over again.

  All of the buildings in the city rose to amazing heights, all drab green, windowless and doorless. I watched as aliens passed through their walls, coming and going, never pausing, all continuing the chant.

  There were signs everywhere, “Work Now!” “Time for Work.” “Don’t get recycled.” That sounded ominous.

  “Did you overthrow the dictator yet, Turd Fondler?” said B24ME.

  “I just got here.”

  “That’s no excuse. Get to work.”

  “Where is the dictator?” I said.

  B24ME didn’t answer.

  Someone or something tapped me on the shoulder. I turned and saw a seven-foot tall, orange, four-armed alien with a triangular head, three eyes and two mouths. “Get to work or you’ll be recycled,” it said, before rejoining the others on their march to who knew where.

  Hands seized me from behind and I blinked out of and then into existence, finding myself in a small room. Sitting behind a battered desk I saw an alien, a gray worm-like creature with a single eye, a beak and tentacles.

  “Why aren’t you working?” it said.

  “Um, I don’t live here. I don’t work here,” I said.

  “If you don’t live here, why are you here?” it said, its one eye glaring at me.

  “Well, I’m on this show and I have to, hmm…”

  “You have to what?”

  Something told me I didn’t want to answer the question truthfully, but I had no other answer to give, so I blurted out, “I’m here to overthrow the dictator.”

  It blinked. “So, you’re my replacement. What are you? Class five? You look like a class three. Whatever. I was getting sick of the job anyway.”

  “What?”

  “Should I waste my time finding you a new office, or will this one suit you?”

  I looked around the office again and for the first time noticed that the surface of the alien’s desk appeared to be covered with fur, purple and orange, fluffy and soft, that that of a Persian cat. I noticed that there were no doors or windows and saw a moving picture of someone being chopped to pieces by some multi-bladed monstrosity. Maybe that was somebody being recycled.

  “I guess this office is fine,” I said.

  “Wonderful. Good luck keeping this bunch in line. Not a single dedicated worker in the bunch.” The alien disappeared.

  I reached out and touched the desk, wondering who would have a fur-topped desk. The desk bit me and said, “Watch it, you pervert.”

  “Uh, B24ME, I overthrew the dictator,” I said.

  B24ME didn’t answer. I repeated myself a few times, and then sighed. All I really wanted to do was go home. Then, I remembered something B24ME had said about the blue cube. If I asked it to take me somewhere, it would take me there, or at least I hoped it would.

  I pulled out the cube and said, “Cube, please take me home.” I appeared in my family room, more than a little confused, immediately went down the street to the bar, ordered a shot of whiskey and a beer chaser, and sat down to regroup, placing the blue cube on the bar.

  Max noticed the cube and said, “So, you’re on The Show. Good luck with that, Kev.” This was definitely a dream.

  “Anyone sitting here?”

  I turned and saw a young woman, beautiful beyond my wildest imaginings. She had a smile on her face and green eyes, electric and ancient.

  “No,” I said. She sat beside me and ordered a green tea.

  “Wow, it’s been a long time,” said Max to the girl. “You here to help Kev with his memory problems?”

  “Something like that,” she said.

  “Wait, you know me?” I looked at her face and into her eyes, no memory of her present in my mind.

  “Of course, I know you, dummy,” she said.

  The word dummy struck a chord with me. I had been called that many times before. “Do I know you?”

  “I would think so,” she said, holding up her hand. On one of her fingers I saw a silver ring with an amethyst. I had seen that ring before. I had given it to her, but when? Why couldn’t I remember?

  “What’s your name?” I said.

  “I don’t think I know you well enough to tell you that, Kev.”

  I remembered her, feeling tears streaming down my face. How could I have ever forgotten her?

  She reached out, wiped the tears from my cheeks, and then kissed me. “Do you remember that?”

  “I remember now. Where have you been? I’ve missed you. Well, actually, I forgot about you, but I think I did miss you at some point. I think you understand, right?”

  “Of course, I understand. You have time lag, Kev. You’ve been traveling around in time so much, you’ve lost most of your memories.”

  “I haven’t been traveling in time. I mean, I just got back from Neta Nexus Nine, but I don’t think I traveled in time.”

  She looked at the blue cube, and her face changed. “You’re on The Show,” she said.

  “Yeah, I just had to overthrow the dictator on Neta Nexus Nine. I’m dreaming, right?”

  “Unfortunately not.”

  “Unfortunately?”

  “I really hoped you wouldn’t get stuck on The Show again,” she said.

  “What do you mean? This was my first challenge.”

  “No, Kev. This was probably your trillionth, trillionth challenge. You’re going to have to find a way to get off The Show or B24ME is going to kill you.”

  “Kill me?” I cried. “How do I get off The Show?”

  “I don’t know, but you’ve done it before, many times, in fact. But, you have never told me how you did it.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I know, and I wish I could help you, but the rules are very strict.”

  “What rules? The rules for The Show?”

  “No. I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

  I d
owned my whiskey, took a gulp of beer and said, “What can you tell me?”

  “I can tell you I love you. Also, I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re pregnant? Whose child is it?”

  “Yours, you moron.”

  I didn’t remember ever having sex with the girl. I could barely remember the last time I had seen her. “That’s not possible,” I said.

  “You need to stop traveling in time, Kev, or at least figure out how to do it without using the black cube.”

  I remembered the black time travel cube. “But, I don’t have the black cube. I have the plans for it, but I don’t have it.”

  “I know. You lost it. That’s why you’re stuck in the past right now,” she said.

  “The past? You have to explain that.”

  “Look, Kev, the present year is three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven. You keep coming back to two thousand, sixteen. I’m not sure why, but you keep doing it. I know you are looking for something, but I don’t know what. I can’t tell you any more than that.”

  I tried to think things through. If I had been traveling in time with the black cube, the black cube I did not at that time have in my possession, then when did I last travel back in time? From what point in time did I travel back in time? Where did I leave the black cube? I wondered if it was tucked away somewhere in my house. Then it struck me. If the present year was three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven, then I must be over a thousand years old. How was that possible?

  Many times over the years, I had felt like I was in a dream, and again I had this feeling. However, part of me completely rejected the idea that I was in a dream. While I couldn’t recall anything in detail, I had vague memories that made at least some of what the girl had said plausible. I said, “So, if it’s really three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven, that means I am over a thousand years old. How is that possible?”

  She sighed and placed her hand on my arm. “You’re much older than that, Kev. You need to remember. You need to remember everything.”

  B24ME cut in with, “So, Turd Fondler, I see you overthrew the dictator. I have to say, we gave you an easy challenge, but thought that might be the best way to bring you back into the game.”

  “Shut up,” I said, not wanting anything to do with B24ME or The Show. The girl disappeared.

  “That’s not very nice,” said B24ME. “We have a new challenge lined up for you. Are you ready?”

  “No. I don’t want to be on this show anymore.”

  “Now, you know what happens if you quit, don’t you?”

  “What? I don’t win a prize?”

  “No, you die.”

  “Bullshit. I’m not playing,” I said.

  I appeared in a monstrous, bowl shaped arena, at least a mile in diameter. All around me I saw trenches with greenish pools of fluid and littered across the arena I saw large, gray and black boulders, easily twice my height. I had a gun in my hand, something that looked like a shotgun, but bulbous and orange.

  “Welcome to the re-enactment of the Battle of Bwar Nit,” said B24ME joyfully.

  “I told you I’m not playing,” I said, dropping the weapon.

  “Come on. This will be great for ratings. Look, if you win this challenge, I’ll give you a break for a while,” said B24ME.

  “How long a break?”

  “I don’t know. I really hope you’ll play. Killing you will be bad for ratings, and anyway, this is an easy challenge.”

  “What do I have to do?” I said.

  “Well, you have to win the battle.”

  “Who am I fighting?” I said. I heard shouts and screams in the background. Was that fighting I heard?

  “Everyone,” said B24ME.

  I definitely heard the sound of fighting now, and wondered if I was safe.

  “Am I playing right now?” I said.

  B24ME didn’t answer.

  I heard a whining sound as something flew within inches of my head. I jumped into a nearby trench and ducked down, my feet in a puddle of greenish liquid, liquid that started dissolving my shoes. I jumped out of the puddle, but too late, now feeling my feet burning, so I dropped down and took off my shoes, desperately trying to wipe the liquid off my feet, a stupid thing to do, the acid now burning both my hands and feet. I could see the flesh on my hands and feet burning away and screamed, only to find seconds later that I had healed, my hands and feet no longer covered by that foul stuff.

  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. To my right I saw a yellow, four-legged alien, a centaur-like creature with three eyes and two arms that were more like tentacles than anything else, pointing a gun at me. It pulled the trigger, the gun exploding in its hands, disintegrating its body. Not good, I thought, thinking about my discarded weapon, not wanting to pick it up for fear that it might explode in my hands if I fired it.

  Another alien appeared in the same place, gun aimed at me. It fired, and it too exploded. What was going on with these guns? I noticed that the pools of green liquid were becoming larger, encroaching on my space. Not wanting to get burnt again, I climbed out of the trench and made my way toward the outer wall of the arena, hoping I wouldn’t encounter more armed aliens. At one point I got too close to one of the boulders and received an alarming shock. I made a note to myself to stay away from the boulders and out of the trenches, but realized that I would have no cover if I did that.

  Three more aliens confronted me, one of which managed to shoot its weapon without exploding. The shot missed, and the second shot killed the alien when its gun exploded in its hands. Not long after, I made it to the outer wall of the arena and stopped to catch my breath. I didn’t see anyone around me and hoped I might get through this without further injury.

  The sounds of fighting gradually died down and finally stopped. I looked around, wondering if the battle had ended, and if, by some stroke of luck, I had won.

  “B24ME, did I win?” I said.

  “Not yet,” said B24ME.

  “How many are left?”

  “Now, why would I tell you that?”

  “Oh, come on. Just tell me.”

  “Fine. There is one other.”

  “Where?”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  I turned around and saw a female looking humanoid with silver skin and white eyes pointing a gun at me.

  “Look what I have here,” she said. “Where’s your gun?”

  “You fire that thing and you’ll die,” I said, hoping that was true.

  “Maybe, maybe not. It hasn’t exploded yet. So, should I kill you now or have a little fun?”

  “Define fun,” I said, looking for somewhere to run.

  “Oh, maybe I could just shoot your legs off. Not a fun way to go, but it would be entertaining for me.”

  Her name was Via Blath and she was the reigning champion of the re-enactment of the Battle of Bwar Nit. I didn’t know that at the time, but B24ME later told me. He also told me that the participants in the battle were all inmates at the Geta Celsion Penitentiary, a prison for tax evaders.

  “What’s your name?” she said.

  “Kev.”

  “What kind of name is that?”

  “My kind of name.”

  “Stupid name, really. Were your parents mentally challenged?”

  I was sick of this challenge, sick of being on The Show, and even more sick of having people make fun on my name, something I did clearly remember. I lunged forward and tackled Via, knocking the gun out of her hand. She immediately threw me off, sending me hurling against one of the boulders, a boulder that gave me the shock of my life. I scrambled to get up and run away, but she was on her feet, weapon in hand, before I could make my escape.

  “You’re pretty tough for a tax evader.”

  “What? I’m not a tax evader.”

  “Well, then what are you?”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I don’t know. I’m on this show and I have to win this battle.”

  “Oh, you’re on The Show.
Do you know what happens if I kill you?”

  “No, what?”

  “I get to be on The Show.”

  “Well, I hope you enjoy it. It will be your death,” I said.

  She pulled the trigger and the gun exploded, killing her instantly.

  “Good work, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “Are you ready for your next challenge?”

  “You said I could take a break. I want to go home.”

  “Fine, go home. I’ll give you a couple of hours,” said B24ME.

  I pulled out the blue cube. “Cube, take me home.”

  When I arrived home, I noticed someone had redecorated my family room. All of the blood and filth had been wiped away, the carpet replaced, and new furniture put in place. A beautiful painting of the girl hung on the wall. On my new coffee table I found a note that read, “Big improvement, right? XOXO.” It had to have been the girl. Of course it was the girl.

  I sat on the couch and turned on the TV, thinking this would be a perfect time to do absolutely nothing.

  “Why aren’t you looking for the girl?” said a voice. I turned and saw an old man wearing a parka, shorts and flip-flops. “Where have you been?”

  “Um, who are you?” I said.

  “You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?”

  “Forgotten what?”

  “The end of the universe. You have to find the girl and get me the yellow cube.”

  “I haven’t the faintest idea what you are talking about.”

  “Kev, have you been time traveling again? We’ve been over this about fifty times now, you time-lagged moron.”

  “Who are you?”

  “I’m Aputi, you dolt!”

  “Oh. Sorry, don’t remember you, but I tend to forget things. So, what is all this about the end of the universe?”

  “If you don’t get me the yellow cube, the universe will end. You have to find the girl.”

  “What girl?”

  “The girl with the yellow cube.”

  “Oh. What’s her name?”

  “Now, if I knew that I would find her myself. Only you can find her.”

  “Well, how am I supposed to find her if I don’t know who she is?” I cried, annoyed as could be. But then, I remembered. The girl, my girl, had the yellow cube, and under no circumstances whatsoever was I to give Aputi the yellow cube. However, my memories of Aputi were vague at best. What exactly would he do if he had the yellow cube? It had to be something bad.