Kev

by Mark A Labbe

  “Look, just find the girl and get me the cube.”

  “And if I say no?” I said.

  “Then you die.”

  That didn’t sit well with me at all. “What? You’re going to kill me?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m going to the police,” I said.

  “It won’t do a bit of good. Anyway, if you don’t cooperate, I won’t honor our deal.”

  “What deal?”

  “I agreed not to kill any more people until you get me the cube.”

  Aputi disappeared.

  I vaguely remembered Barry telling me that something like six hundred thousand people had exploded recently, and wondered if this had something to do with Aputi. If it did, then hadn’t he already broken whatever agreement we had?

  Flustered and a little frightened, I went back into my workroom to check my messages on the communication device, hoping that would help me take my mind off things.

  Scanning my messages, I found one from the girl, “Meet me at the Lost Hope Hotel on Riddent.”

  I pulled out the blue cube and said, “Cube, take me to the Lost Hope Hotel on Riddent,” and appeared on a balcony overlooking a mile high drop into a vast sea. To my right I saw two aliens, both purple and four-legged, with yellow eyes, arms with pincers, and mandibles protruding from their egg-shaped heads.

  “Well, we’re never going to make our numbers for the quarter, Blurp,” said one.

  “I know. What is the point in living if we can’t make our numbers?” said the other.

  The two aliens jumped off the balcony. “What the hell?” I shouted, as I watched them disappear in the distance.

  “It happens,” said the girl, now standing beside me.

  “They just killed themselves.”

  “This is a popular spot for suicides. Weddings too. You and I were married here,” said the girl.

  “We were?”

  “Yeah, beautiful ceremony. All our friends were here. Of course, three of them killed themselves, but let’s not dwell on that.”

  “Aputi was at my house. By the way, thanks for redecorating.”

  “Anything for you.”

  “Anything? Then, maybe you can tell me what the hell is going on.”

  The girl laughed and kissed me. “Rules are rules. So, do you want to make love?”

  “Right here?”

  “No, dummy. In our suite.”

  “Oh, right. Okay.”

  Some time later, lying in bed, my arm wrapped around her, I said, “Have I mentioned Aputi before?”

  “He wants the yellow cube.”

  “Yeah. He says he is going to kill everyone on Earth if I don’t get the yellow cube for him. I think so, anyway. You have it, right? He says he is going to kill me too if I don’t get it for him.”

  “I doubt he’ll kill you, but I’m sure he’ll kill everyone else.”

  “Really? How do I stop him?”

  “Well, he is a Bladrithian, so he is hard to kill, but if you went back in time far enough and found him, you might be able to kill him.”

  “Kill? I don’t want to kill anyone. There has to be some other way to stop him.”

  “You could ask him nicely.”

  “Not helpful. You know, Barry at the bar said something about Canadians killing thousands of people in the same way Clive was killed. I think Aputi had something to do with that.”

  “Duh, Kev. Aputi is the mastermind. He’s already killed six hundred thousand people. I’d be willing to bet he is killing the rest as we speak.”

  I stared at the ceiling, trying to wrap my mind around things, but found my thoughts too jumbled to organize. I felt hopeless and small. I turned to say something to the girl, but she had disappeared. I wanted to scream.

  “Well, hello, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “Was the break long enough for you?”

  Ignoring B24ME, I got up and put on my clothes, then left the room and went down to the hotel lobby. I found the hotel bar and went inside, had a seat and ordered a green tea for reasons unknown, having no memories of the odd characteristics of green tea.

  “We have an excellent challenge lined up for you,” said B24ME.

  I didn’t respond.

  “Do you want to know what it is?”

  “No.”

  “Oh, okay, a surprise then.”

  I appeared in a large, hot, and extremely dry warehouse. In front of me, I saw a table, and on the table an array of weapons, including a machine gun, a throwing star, a sword, and something that looked vaguely like a squirt gun. I saw a red dragon appear on the other side of the warehouse. It had to be at least fifty feet long. It wasn’t moving.

  “So, Turd Fondler, the name of this game is, ‘is it real or is it not?’”

  “Wonderful. How do I win?”

  “All you have to do is get one answer right and you move on to the next challenge. Are you ready?”

  I eyed the dragon, reasonably certain I would have to determine if it was real or not. What would happen if I made a wrong answer? “What if I’m wrong?” I said.

  “We’ll surprise you. So, in front of you is an Urethan Wyrm. Over fifty feet long, this fire-breathing monstrosity has been responsible for countless deaths on countless worlds. Tell me, is it real?”

  I paused. The dragon looked like something out of a storybook, although its wings seemed far too small for its body. “Can it fly?”

  “Indeed it can,” said B24ME.

  “Using what? Magic? Those wings aren’t big enough.”

  “Is it real or not?”

  I figured B24ME had a way of reading my memories and had pulled this thing from there, so I said, “Not real.”

  “Wrong answer, I’m afraid.”

  The dragon started moving, turning its head to look at me. It took a step forward then started flapping its wings, bringing itself into the air, a long gush of flame erupting from its mouth. With alarming speed the dragon bore down on me, shooting more flames from its mouth. I grabbed the machine gun off the table and fired wildly at the beast, to no effect. The dragon roared, now much closer to me, and inhaled deeply.

  I remembered the blue cube, pulled it out and said, “Cube, take me home.” Nothing happened and the dragon breathed out, engulfing my body in flames. I screamed, my clothes and flesh burning off, and fell to the ground. Moments later, I healed. I got up, now naked, and looked at the dragon.

  “I’ve never seen that happen before,” said the dragon. It breathed in again.

  I looked at the remaining weapons, now focused on the squirt gun. Water. Fire. I grabbed the gun and fired just as another burst of flame erupted from the dragon. The second the water touched the dragon, it disintegrated.

  In front of me, a floating yellow sphere about the size of a volleyball appeared.

  “This is the Proth Sphere,” said B24ME. “If you connect to it, it will make all of your dreams and nightmares come true. Is it real or is it fake?”

  “So, wait. If I guess it isn’t real and it is real will all my dreams and nightmares come true? What will happen if I get the answer right?”

  “Is it real or is it fake?”

  I took an inventory of all of the dreams and nightmares I could remember, remembering few dreams, but many nightmares. The worst nightmare was one in which a giant nozzle sucked up the entire universe. How on Earth could this sphere make that nightmare come true? What if it could? I figured it was safest to say it was real so I would have some chance of escaping from experiencing all of my horrible nightmares, thinking if it weren’t real it would not be able to make that happen. “It’s real,” I said.

  “Sorry, Turd Fondler, it is not real. Do you really think there is something that can end the universe based on your nightmares?”

  “Well, I don’t know. Maybe. So, what happens now?”

  “I just got word from our producer. We are going to simulate what it would be like if the Proth Sphere were real. Of course, only you will get to experience that.”

  Without warn
ing, I felt something connect to my mind, and then for what seemed like an eternity, I relived every nightmare I had ever had, this simulation so real that I thought it was really happening. The only good thing I experienced was a long, happy life with the girl, but of course it was just a simulation. Oddly enough, I didn’t experience my nightmare about the end of the universe. The horrors ended and I collapsed, breathless and terrified. Once I recovered and picked myself up, I said, “What’s next?”

  A little red cube appeared, floating in front of me, unmarked in any way. I had seen that cube before. What was it? Where had I seen it?

  “What is it?” I said.

  “We don’t know.”

  “Then how do you know if it is real or not?”

  “Trust me, we know.”

  I had nothing to go on other than my memory of seeing it before so I said, “It’s real.”

  “Right you are, Turd Fondler. Now take it. It’s yours.”

  “What if I don’t want it?” I said, thinking it possible that this thing would do something awful if I took it.

  “Take it, or you lose the game.”

  “If I lose the game will I have to go through any more challenges?”

  “If you lose the game we will kill you.”

  I grabbed the red cube out of the air. “Can I go home now? I’m getting really sick of this.”

  “Folks,” said B24ME. “We’re going to take a commercial break.”

  I picked the blue cube up off the ground and said, “Cube, take me home.”

  Back home, I put on some clothes and then headed out to get a much needed drink. As I approached the bar I noticed something on the ground. I drew closer, now able to see that this was human remains. Well, mostly it was just a skeleton with bits of flesh hanging off of it. Surrounding the skeleton I saw flesh splattered everywhere. Thoughts of Clive ran through my head.

  I raced into the bar to get help, but was horrified to see the remains of at least twelve people on the floor, the entire bar covered with bits of flesh and effluent. On the television above the bar I saw what looked like a newsroom with the remains of some unfortunate soul sitting behind a news desk. Aputi had killed everyone. I let that sink in.

  “Welcome back, folks. We’re here with Turd Fondler. He has just discovered that Aputi wiped out the human race. Well, he might have saved three million, but who knows?” said B24ME.

  “Not right now,” I said, trying to keep myself calm, but doing a lousy job of it, my breathing ragged, my body shaking.

  “Oh, come on, Turd Fondler. There isn’t much you can do about it now. Let’s move on to the next challenge, shall we? We’ll take you somewhere nice and help you take your mind off of things. In fact, we are going to send you to beautiful Gamma War, a wonderful tropical paradise orbiting a rather nasty black hole.”

  I appeared on a beach on Gamma War. Looking out, across the ocean, I saw a nearby star hovering over the horizon and two moons up above. Around me on the beach I saw many diverse aliens, all of them naked. Off the beach I saw a building with a sign that read, “Tourist Information.”

  “Okay, B24ME, I’m here. What’s the challenge?”

  “Sorry, Turd Fondler. We seem to be having technical difficulties. We’ll be right back.”

  A pale blue alien with orange eyes and a cigarette dangling from its lipless mouth approached me and said, “Sir, this is a nude only resort. You are going to have to disrobe.” Had I seen this alien before?

  Not knowing what else to do, I removed my clothes. The alien, now satisfied, left me standing naked on the beach. I sat down on the beach and cried.

  Maybe and hour later, I looked up, noticing the sun, still hovering over the horizon. How was that possible? It hadn’t moved at all. Maybe this planet didn’t rotate. But, if it didn’t, wouldn’t that wreak havoc on the environment? I had no clue.

  I got up, grabbed my clothes and pulled the blue cube out of my pocket. “Cube, take me home,” I said. Nothing happened.

  The only building I could see was the tourist information building, so I went there, hoping they could direct me to a bar.

  The inside of the building contained a desk, a chair and a squid like alien sitting on the chair. “Can I help you?” it said.

  “Where’s the nearest bar?”

  “Singularity Bar on Ceretus Isle. Step to the side and close your eyes, or not. What does it matter? We’re all going to die anyway.”

  I stepped to the side and closed my eyes, not wanting to get into a philosophical discussion with a squid. I heard a popping sound and then the sound of many voices. Opening my eyes, I saw a crowd of aliens all sitting around a large bar. One of the aliens, a tall orange creature with four arms and a triangular head, approached me.

  “Why didn’t you stick around on Neta Nexus Nine?” said the alien. “The whole planet has fallen into chaos.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “They don’t have a dictator now, so nobody is doing a damned thing. They’re all going to die.”

  I did remember Neta Nexus Nine and overthrowing the dictator, and in that instant felt a twinge of guilt. I had never thought what might happen if I overthrew the dictator and then left.

  “I didn’t know,” I said.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Kev.”

  “What kind of name is that? Were your parent’s mentally challenged?”

  “No. What’s your name?” I said, annoyed.

  “Bok Choy.”

  “You know, on my planet that is a type of food,” I said, still a little irritated.

  “Yeah, well, on my planet, I am a type of food, but let’s not dwell on that. So, are you going to go back to Neta Nexus Nine and fix things?”

  “What could I possibly fix? I have no clue how to rule a planet. They need to find someone else. Look, I really need a drink.”

  “I can tell. Here, let me get you something,” said Bok Choy.

  Bok Choy went up to the bar, and soon returned with a glass of greenish liquid, handing it to me.

  “I have a question,” I said. “How come I can understand what you’re saying and what everyone else is saying? On Neta Nexus Nine I could read all the signs and understand every word spoken.”

  “Oh, well, most civilized places have translation fields. Much easier than learning new languages,” said Bok Choy.

  “Oh, why doesn’t Earth have that?” I said.

  “Earth isn’t terribly civilized, now is it?” said Bok Choy.

  I took a sip of my drink and heard children laughing and playing, realizing in that instant that I was drinking green tea. A female voice cut in, “Hello, Kev. Welcome to The Diving into a Black Hole Experience. You are going to experience the thrill of being consumed by the giant black hole that lurks nearby. This is a fully interactive experience, although there isn’t much you can do other than scream and flap your arms about. Of course, there will be nobody to hear your screams, and all the arm flapping is rather pointless.”

  “Can I have a different experience?” I said.

  “Absolutely not,” said the voice, as I launched into space and circled around the backside of the planet, heading toward a black spot in space, around which I could see the distorted light of stars.

  I wondered how I could breathe in the vacuum of space, but thought it best not to ask, lest my guide turn off the field or whatever it was that protected me and kept me from freezing and suffocating.

  The black spot in the sky grew quickly, soon filling my field of vision.

  “You are now crossing the event horizon,” said the voice.

  I started feeling my body being pulled in different directions, subtle at first, but soon uncomfortable. Soon after that, I started to feel pain, pain that soon reached an unbearable level.

  “Can we stop?” I screamed.

  “Almost there. Don’t worry about the tidal forces. Sure, they are going to rip you to pieces, but you’ll make it through,” said the voice.

  My body tore in
half, and looking down I saw that I had somehow stretched. Under normal circumstances this would have been my death, but I lived on, the pain absolutely unspeakable. I screamed and cried, flapped my arms around madly, praying for the end. My halves divided and then those divided as well. This continued until I was nothing, no body, only thought. I felt no more pain.

  “Destination reached,” said the voice.

  Light returned, and I found myself in Singularity Bar in Barrow, Alaska, sitting across from Aputi. He didn’t acknowledge me, instead reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small, brown cube of some sort with a yellow button on one side. I looked around the bar, seeing a handful of people, and then back at Aputi.

  “Time to die,” said Aputi, as he pressed the button five times in rapid succession. Everyone in the bar except Aputi and I exploded. The scene shifted and I found myself looking at Bok Choy.

  “Which one did you get?” said Bok Choy.

  “Which what?”

  “Which experience?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I got sucked into a black hole,” I murmured.

  “And after that?”

  “I think I saw Aputi kill everyone on Earth,” I said, wondering if I could go back in time and get the brown cube from Aputi.

  “Aputi?” said Bok Choy.

  “Yeah, he’s an Inuit or a Bladrithian. I don’t know which. But, he killed everyone on Earth,” I said, vaguely remembering enough to say that.

  “He’s a bad guy,” said Bok Choy. “There is no telling what he’ll do next.”

  “Wait. You know him?”

  “Yeah, well, I think I do if we are talking about the same Aputi. I’ve known him for years now. I don’t know what he has planned for Earth, but I bet it isn’t good.”

  “Well, he wants me to find some yellow cube. He said he was going to use it to re-engineer the humans he didn’t kill so he could save the universe,” I said, starting to remember things.

  “The yellow cube. So, it’s real?”

  “What? Oh, I don’t know. I guess so or he wouldn’t be looking for it.”

  “Do you know what that thing can do?”