Kev

by Mark A Labbe

  I remembered Bri and the Proth Sphere, and remembered that they recreated the universe, and that I was now in that new universe. I suspected that might have had some relationship with my memory loss, and possibly with the fact that I no longer had the blue cube, but could get no straight answers from anyone.

  I remembered the re-enactment of the Battle of Bwar Nit and Via, but suspected that had been a dream. Then there was a dragon that burned off all my flesh, a dragon I killed with a squirt gun, probably another dream.

  Then there was The Show and B24ME. Those memories, quite vague, stirred other memories of a time when Clive played a game with me called The Show. I wondered if there was some relationship between the two, but Clive could shed no light on things, or at least he wouldn’t. After all, the rules were very strict.

  Clive and I would go to the bar down the beach from time to time. The bartender, Brok, whom I now knew but didn’t remember from the past, would sometimes tell me stories about things I had done.

  He claimed I had once gone to a planet named Surth Beta and visited a brain in a vat that had given me the memories of trillions of beings, and that immediately after that I had trapped the Proth Sphere and recreated the universe many times, each time fouling things up, until after something like three thousand, seven hundred, thirty-seven tries, I gave up and sent the sphere to Bri so they could fix things. He also told me that after the last time I recreated the universe with the sphere, I had wiped out all of my memories from those trillions of beings. I didn’t know what to believe. Part of me thought I was trapped in some bizarre dream. Another part of me thought I was being played by pretty much everyone in the universe.

  Clive would also tell me stories, but those were mostly about things we had done when we were children, although he never mentioned The Show.

  One day, while sitting at the bar, Clive said, “Do you believe in God?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Why? Are you taking a survey?”

  Clive laughed in his easy way. “Seriously, do you believe in God?”

  “Well, if I do, I believe God is really messing with me right now.”

  “You have that right, Kev,” said Clive, slapping me on the back.

  At one point, the girl showed me a little yellow cube and told me she used it to manipulate matter. In that moment, I gasped, remembering Aputi, the pnukes, and Aputi’s plan to wipe out humanity and re-engineer the minds of some three million that would not be killed in order to save the universe.

  “Does Aputi know you have this?” I said, horrified.

  “No, why?”

  “Don’t let him know. Didn’t I tell you what he was going to do?”

  “What was he going to do?” said the girl. I detected something in her tone, perhaps a hint of amusement.

  “Aputi is going to wipe out humanity. Well, he is going to save three million, and re-engineer their minds so he can save the universe. Don’t you remember telling me that was all a crock of shit? He killed everyone. He didn’t save anyone. He wants that yellow cube to do something horrible. You don’t remember?”

  “Calm down, Kev. Aputi didn’t kill off humanity. Tell you what. Why don’t we go to your house in Vermont and I’ll show you.”

  “In the present or in the past?” I said.

  “We can go to the present and you will see that everything is just fine.”

  The girl and I appeared in my old house in Vermont. Nothing had changed although the place did smell a bit musty.

  “What year is this?” I said.

  “Three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven.”

  “My house has stayed the same for over a thousand years? It’s still mine?”

  “Yes, dear, but if we go outside you will see some things have changed.”

  The girl led me out of the house and I was more than a little surprised to find a metropolis surrounding my ancient house. Tall skyscrapers, airborne cars, and people wearing clothes that looked like something from a science fiction movie. My home did not belong in this alien place, but there it was, untouched by time.

  “Why didn’t anybody tear my house down? Did they try?”

  “No, Kev, and nobody will. This is your home. Well, it’s your other home.”

  “It’s made of wood. How on Earth did it survive?”

  “Well, you’re pretty handy, Mister Pryce. You’ve rebuilt it many times. It’s kind of cute that you have kept it the same all these years.”

  “I guess I’m sentimental. Anyway, you can’t let Aputi know you have that cube. I’m sure he’ll try to steal it and then who knows what will happen?”

  “Don’t worry, Kev. I won’t let him know.”

  I looked around and noticed another building that looked out of place. It was the old bar, Max’s place.

  “Is that what I think it is?” I said.

  “Yes, Kev.”

  I grabbed the girl by the hand and led her down the street to the bar. The inside was just as I remembered it and I was more than a little surprised to see Max tending bar. I stopped. That couldn’t be Max.

  “Kev,” called out Max, a broad grin on his bearded face.

  I felt wobbly and had to grab the bar to stay standing. Max laughed and said, “How much does he remember?”

  “Not that much, Max,” said the girl.

  “How are you alive?” I said to Max.

  “You should know,” said Max.

  “Well, I don’t. Can you fill me in?”

  “Against the rules, I’m afraid.”

  I looked at the girl and back at Max and said, “You know, I’m getting pretty sick of this whole against the rules thing. Would somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?”

  “Kev, sit down and have a green tea. Maybe that will clear things up a bit,” said Max.

  The girl and I sat at the bar and Max delivered two green teas.

  “You know, Kev, one day you’re going to thank us for not telling you,” said Max.

  “Yeah, well, I’m not feeling all that thankful right now,” I muttered.

  “Drink up,” said the girl.

  I took a sip of green tea and heard children laughing and playing. I vaguely recalled someone telling me that I had invented green tea, but quickly dismissed the thought.

  “Hello, Kev,” said a voice. “Welcome to The Canadians Are After You Experience.”

  “What?” I said.

  “Just listen,” said the voice. “You’ve really pissed off the Canadians, Kev. They don’t appreciate you saving the universe, and they are going to come after you. In fact, they’re looking for you right now, so you better figure out what you are going to do.”

  I found myself standing on the porch of an old, red cottage on a lake. The porch wrapped around the sides of the cottage. I scanned the area seeing no other cottages and no people. I then noticed I was holding my journal, and then heard footsteps approaching from either side.

  Hands grabbed me and someone said, “You’re going to regret messing with Canada.” I felt something smash against my head and blacked out.

  I opened my eyes and saw Max and the girl looking at me. “I think the Canadians are after me.”

  “Right you are,” said Max.

  “Canada is about five miles away,” I said.

  “We’re in Canada, Kev,” said the girl, now smiling. In this universe, Canada had annexed the northernmost parts of the United States in 2937.

  “We have to get out of here,” I cried, now fully convinced I was in grave danger.

  “Relax, Kev. They don’t know you’re here, and this is the last place they would look for you,” said Max.

  “Whatever,” I said. “Let’s go back to Uthio Minor.”

  It was true, you know. The Canadians did want to get their hands on me, or rather, wanted to kill me. According to Max, I had saved the universe from destruction many times. The Canadians wanted the universe to end forever, the nihilists, and for whatever reason, knew that I had been the one to save the universe.

&nb
sp; Each time I had saved the universe, except for the time I made a wish that made it so the universe had never existed and then brought the sphere back so that Bri and the sphere could recreate the universe, it had been to save it from an attempt on the part of the Canadians to end it. How I saved the universe and how the Canadians tried to end it remained a mystery to me, and I asked nothing about it, figuring I was lucky the girl and Max told me what they did, and thinking it unlikely that they would tell me more.

  We stayed and talked for a while, then returned to my house. There I noticed a little blue cube on the coffee table. In that moment I had forgotten what the girl had told me about the blue cube, and for whatever reason, had forgotten about The Show. As I reached down to pick up the cube, the girl shouted, “No!” But, it was too late. I had it in hand.

  “What?” I said.

  I blinked and then found myself standing at the top of a super massive skyscraper, winds howling around me. I could see a sprawling city all around, stretching to the horizon in every direction.

  “Welcome to the Idian Spire,” said B24ME joyously.

  I looked around for the source of the voice, but saw nobody. “Who is this?” I said.

  B24ME laughed, “I thought you would forget, Turd Fondler.”

  “Forget what?” Where was the girl? How did I get here? Who was talking to me?

  “Don’t you remember me?” said B24ME.

  “I don’t know. Your voice is familiar. Who are you?”

  “I’m B24ME, host of The Show. Don’t you remember?”

  “Oh no,” I said, remembering enough to know that I was now at the mercy of B24ME and my life was in danger.

  “So, are you ready for your next challenge?”

  “What is it?”

  “You have to learn how to fly, or you will surely die,” chortled B24ME.

  A strong gust of wind blew me off the building and I found myself plummeting to the ground. I screamed, flapping my arms madly. I prayed and begged B24ME to save me, but B24ME just laughed and said, “Learn to fly, or you die.”

  The ground swiftly approaching, I wet myself, screaming even louder. Maybe a couple hundred feet off the ground I screamed, “I wish I could fly,” and stopped falling.

  “Neat trick,” growled B24ME. “You want to explain how you did that?”

  I didn’t know how I did that. I didn’t remember wishing I could fly. If I had remembered I would have immediately wished that I wasn’t on The Show. I also didn’t remember having the red cube and the black cube in my pocket. Had I remembered the red cube, I might have made another wish, but in my confused state, I recalled nothing useful.

  “I see you don’t know the answer to my question,” said B24ME, a hint of joy in his voice. “So, are you ready for your next challenge?”

  “Absolutely not,” I said.

  “Oh, come on. The fun is just beginning.”

  I felt the blue cube in my hand and looked at it, remembering something. “Cube, take me to Uthio Minor.”

  Nothing happened.

  “Not so fast, Turd Fondler.”

  “Why do you keep calling me Turd Fondler?”

  “That’s your name, isn’t it?”

  “No. My name is Kev.”

  “Stupid name. Turd Fondler is much better, don’t you think?”

  “Whatever. Let me go home,” I said.

  “No.”

  The Black Cube

  “So, I have to escape ants?” I said, still hovering in the air.

  “Excretorian ants, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME.

  “How many?” I said.

  “About three billion of them.”

  “Well, how am I going to do that?”

  “I don’t know, but I think you might just figure it out. Anyway, all you have to do is escape. However, you have to set foot on their planet.”

  “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Excretorian ants can control your mind,” said B24ME.

  “What?” I figured I had about a second from the time I set foot on Excretor to tell the blue cube to take me home. Something told me I might not get the chance.

  I appeared on Excretor, surrounded by ants the size of busses. “Cube,” I said, but could get no more out, my actions now controlled by the ants. Within seconds, I had been torn in half by one of those monsters.

  I saw a flash of light and again found myself standing in a crowd of giant ants, only to be torn in half again.

  I don’t know how many times I died. It had to be thousands of times. I lost track of who I was, what I was doing there, forgetting almost everything. However, I remembered the blue cube, and found I was able to say, “Cube, take me home,” right as I saw the flash of light.

  I appeared in my house in Vermont, my clothes shredded, blood all over what remained of them.

  “That’s a neat trick, Turd Fondler,” said B24ME. “Care to let me in on your secret?”

  I didn’t remember the ants or being killed countless times. I didn’t remember B24ME or The Show. I didn’t remember the girl, Clive, Aputi, Soph, the three Kev’s, Ruby, or anyone else.

  “What are you talking about?” I said, looking around for the source of the voice.

  “Can you die, Turd Fondler?” said B24ME, playfully.

  “What the hell are you talking about? Where am I?”

  “You’re in your home in Vermont, Turd Fondler. The year is three thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven, and you are on The Show. You have just won a challenge and we are moving on to the next. Are you ready?”

  “No, wait. What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

  I noticed the blue cube in my hand and remembered a warning. Never touch the blue cube. I dropped the cube on the ground, and not knowing what else to do, I stomped on it with my foot. I heard circuits frying and the sound of hissing gas, and then started choking and fell to the ground. Before I passed out, I heard B24ME cry, “You’re going to regret this, you bastard.”

  I woke up on the floor in my family room, an unfamiliar environment at that moment. I looked at myself, my clothes tattered, and wondered what had happened. Rising to my feet, I checked for injury but found none. As I patted down my right leg, I felt something in my pocket. I reached in and pulled out two cubes, red and black. The black one had a small, blue button and some sort of digital display that read 3337. I pressed the button once and let go. Nothing happened. I tried again, this time holding the button down briefly. The number decremented by one, but nothing else appeared to happen. I pressed the button twice and held it for a moment. The number incremented by one.

  I didn’t know what the black cube was, but I felt a strong urge to experiment with it, so I pressed the button three times, now finding myself standing by a river in a small city, Peoria, Illinois, two thousand, sixteen.

  I pressed the button four times and felt a little dizzy, but otherwise okay. What would five times do? Was I supposed to press the button five times? I pressed it five times, and in a billionth of a billion of a billionth of a second, all of the memories and knowledge of all of the infinite beings that had ever existed in all of the infinite universes passed into me. I blacked out.

  Thirty-seven days later, I woke in a hospital bed, more than a little concerned for my well-being. I knew everything, or at least everything that all of the infinite beings that ever existed in all of the infinite universes knew up until the point I had pressed the button five times, or at least so I thought in that moment. I also knew I did not have all of my own memories back, although all of the other memories I had gave me some understanding of my past.

  I knew that having this knowledge put me and everything else in the universe in terrible danger. However, I did not know the source of the danger.

  A nurse walked in the room and smiled at me. “Good morning, Mister Pryce. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine, Nara. Is my wife here?”

  “She’s right outside. How are you feeling?”

  “Enlightened. Will you get my wife?”r />
  The nurse left and the girl walked into the room. She had a strange look on her face, as well she should have, under the circumstances.

  “Why is it that I have the memories and knowledge of pretty much every being that ever existed in any of the infinite universes that ever existed, and I have no memories or knowledge from you or Clive?” I said, realizing I also lacked the knowledge of Bri, the Proth Sphere and Jesus. Jesus? I realized I knew Jesus and had memories of others who had seen Jesus and I together at various points in time, although no memories of anything that we had said to each other.

  “You pressed the button five times,” said the girl.

  “Yes. Are you going to answer my question? And don’t give me any of this crap about the rules.”

  “I can’t tell you, Kev. You have to figure it out on your own.”

  “Why am I in danger? I mean, I know the Canadians are after me, and that they are probably on their way here, but there is something else. Someone else is after me. Who?”

  “That I don’t know for sure, but it’s not me,” she said.

  I believed her, but thought she might suspect someone. “And what about Jesus, Bri, and the Proth Sphere? I don’t have their memories, but I know they exist. Am I missing anyone?”

  “I don’t know, Kev. Really, I don’t. I mean, I do know quite a bit about your situation, but I can’t really tell you much.”

  I hadn’t gotten to the good part yet, the part that made me question everything. “Why did Clive hire Aputi to wipe out humanity?”

  “He did?”

  “Yes. Are you telling me you don’t know about that?”

  “You know this from Aputi’s memories?”

  “Yes. I know you’ve never talked to Aputi about it, of course. I also know that Aputi doesn’t think you know about it at all. However, I believe you do know that Clive hired him. Of course, the universe was reset and it was all undone, but I’ll bet anything you knew about it at least at one point. Are you going to tell me that when I brought Aputi to live with us, you didn’t know?”