Spike Milligan

by Spike Milligan

  Anyhow I desperately want to see you again and have dinner and have a laugh. I will not feel happy until I see you again as a friend.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  Dictated over the phone and signed in his absence

  [Milligan in his contrite mood was always so.]

  Dick Douglas-Boyd Esq.

  Michael Joseph & Co.

  London WC1

  30 October 1981

  Dear Doug Dickless,

  So you are wearing two hats, I trust this involves an extra pay cheque.

  Joke: Doctor to Irishman: Have you had a medical check.

  Irishman: Yes, it was for £3. 10 for a truss. End of joke.

  Yes, look forward to the free hot dinner, bearing in mind this time I am a vegetarian, don’t like dry white wines, and boring bloody salesmen like the last one I sat next to.

  I am looking forward to the Wales/Australia match at Cardiff.

  I am in an appalling dull mood, and I don’t wish to write further.

  Love,

  Spine Millagnal

  Michael Joseph Ltd

  London WC1

  Registered Office

  15 October 1981

  Dear Spike,

  I think SCUNTHORPE looks splendid and I hope very much that we will be meeting around publication time at signing sessions. I would certainly like to have a celebratory dinner on or near publication day if you are free (Nov. 2nd).

  You probably know that Alan Samson is leaving us to further his career elsewhere and we are sorry to see him go. We have put the day to day handling of your work in the Editorial Department in the hands of Jennie Davies, who has a rather wicked sense of humour, a nice smile and of course the right professional qualifications. Perhaps we could arrange for her to come along to the publication day celebration at which I would also like to introduce you to Karen Geary, who masterminds our Publicity at this end.

  You probably saw from the trade press that I had been appointed Publisher for Pelham Books, which as you know is primarily a sporting and leisure imprint. Not a bad position to reach for someone whose major sporting achievement was to be happy hooker for Clifton’s Extra Bs. I am looking forward to it immensely. I am of course retaining my MJ responsibilities at least for the time being, and you and Norma know that I am always here in this building should either of you want me.

  I have a lovely Irish joke for you, which can probably wait till we meet.

  Warmest regards.

  Yours,

  R. Douglas-Boyd

  [Jeremy Robson had asked Spike to confirm that Bill Tidy had his blessing as illustrator of The Melting Pot.]

  Jeremy Robson Esq.

  Robson Books Limited

  London W1

  22 November 1982

  Dear Jeremy,

  Let me allay your Jewish business fears. Bill Tidy is possibly one of the finest cartoonists in England, and I have no doubt that his work does not need an audition. Of course, you can if you want to have it auditioned, we could book Drury Lane, and we could have him up on the stage, and say ‘do something funny’.

  Don’t worry, I should go ahead with this, I think it will be a successful book, but check with Norma about the publication date, so it does not clash with my other books. I hope all goes well with you.

  Let me recount an incredible incident which occurred up here in Birmingham, Dame Edna Everidge was signing books at Hudsons, and for some reason she had three Policemen in attendance for a crowd who numbered about 35. For a joke I dressed up as a drunken Australian, with a hat with corks all around, and I went there claiming to be her husband Norm, and bugger me, they threw me out, would you believe it. But, next day I had my revenge, when I was signing my own books at Boots, and had a crowd of 892, and it took me four hours to do the signing. I think it might all go well for our future project.

  Lots of love to you and your family, and of course, your Mum and Dad, and, of course, your Bank Manager.

  As ever

  Spike Milligan

  [I refused to be a director of Monkenhurst books. He wanted me to run it, and be managing director. I refused, told him I had too much respect for Jack and Dick and it was a betrayal. He wanted me to approach Dick and I refused. This was the letter to return.]

  Dick Douglas-Boyd Esq.

  Pelham Books Limited

  London WC1

  20 December 1982

  Dear Doug Dickless,

  I had a meeting with the ‘directors’ of Monkenhurst Books, and they showed me all the terrifying pitfalls of going into partnership with you to publish my next book. I do not have the time to investigate the agenda in minute detail; on the strength of it I am handing it over, the whole of ‘There’s a lot of it about’ to Michael Joseph to market as per author and publisher.

  I originally asked Jack Hobbs to do this, but when I announced that on future books I would try and publish through my own Company, he threw a ‘huff’, and decided not to have anymore to do with me. So fairs the human race in friendship.

  I am passing it over to you, Jennie Davies has all the manuscripts/literature/photographs etc., so if that is OK with you, I would like you to forward the contract to Norma, and we will proceed on that basis.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  Jack Hobbs Esq.

  Surrey

  17 January 1983

  Dear Jack,

  I have tried to trace your grave without much success. However, here’s something which might bring you back from the dead.

  You know I wanted to start my own Book Company because retiring at 65, I might need the bread. I formed a Company and was then told by all the people in it that it would be a total failure, and the effort would not be worth the money, so I have closed it down again – jolly good.

  Next, I hear that Dick Douglas-Boyd is delighted I have closed it down again, and asked me the vital question ‘May I approach Jack and ask him to re-establish the joint publisher relationship’.

  Well, I thought, rather than him do it, I will do it. Do you think you could recover from your sudden death, and cataclysmic tragedy, with its world shaking implications upon you and your underwear, and your fucking bank manager. I will be delighted to re-unite us whereby which you can start transporting hundredweights of vital books into my house, so I can look for Victorian Mangles, and then I can have them transported back, where they will lie mouldering in Norma’s office. You can tell the difference, Norma is the one that smokes.

  Sincerely,

  Spike Milligan

  [The act of contrition. – Mind you, well put.]

  Ms Jennie Davies

  Michael Joseph Limited

  London WC1

  5 June 1985

  Dear Jennie,

  I have seen the shock horror picture on the front of the Bookseller, the only alternative to this could be Quasi Modo himself. I mean, why don’t we see Kingsley Amis dressed up as an Admiral with wooden legs, to sell his books.

  Anyhow I am going along with it only because you are very very beautiful, but if you were ugly I would have a picture of Robert Redford superimposed over my face, as being The Real Spike Milligan.

  Tell me has Michael Joseph sunk so low that they have me on the front of the Bookseller – what has gone wrong. Please tell me has the Diary of an Edwardian Lady come to an end.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  The fifth volume of his hilarious, bestselling outobiography

  [‘Millionaire Prankster’ was Private Eye’s name for Spike.]

  [Ms Anne Ainley

  Puffin Books Limited

  London W8

  19 January 1987

  Dear Anne,

  My Manager has forwarded me a letter which you sent to me, which did get to her, and finally from her to me; no wonder there is three million unemployed.

  By all means do what you think necessary to make the book more saleable; personally I resent having to excise it from the book because
it was written in all innocence, and there are such things as black people, and there are such things as black people with no clothes on, and there are such things as black people with bones through their nose, so everything is basically a fact. However, in the light of commercial enterprise, I give way.

  I don’t have time to do a new illustration, so just take the lot out of the book – and we give way to the looney left.

  Sincerely, looney right,

  Spike Milligan

  [See the letter of 3 June 1982 above.]

  Ms Susan Watt

  Michael Joseph

  London W8

  23 February 1993

  Dear Susan,

  Louise came to see me to talk over the bible, all was well except the editing out all the references to God. Now in no case did I blaspheme God, all my references are comic and innocent – there was only one in which I called God a two faced shit, this I agree should be edited out but the others, as I say, are comic.

  You must realise no matter how you edit this book lots of people will find it offensive, but this will be wonderful publicity for the book; so please edit, not in fear, but with intelligence.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. Likewise can we keep in David Napley’s name and not use Rumpole of the Bailey.

  [The Bible according to Spike Milligan. The Publishers wanted to edit the word God. Which was ludicrous.]

  12

  The Jimmy Verner Affair

  [Me trying to get those dates in his diary. Failing miserably. The start of his one man show.]

  [Start of his props for the show.]

  [Jimmy waited eighteen months and we started all over again.]

  James Verner Esq.

  London W1

  25 August 1982

  Dear Jimmy,

  I was absolutely destroyed when I read your letter. Briefly if I can recall the story, you tried to help me put on a One Man Show, alas while we were trying to do it I seemed not to be able to get enough time to rehearse it, and a badly rehearsed show would have been disastrous for all of us.

  Now I am an actor not a manager, and my manager is supposed to manage me and my affairs to my advantage and not to bring about any bad feeling. This obviously has not happened.

  Regarding the finances, and ‘recoup our losses’, I was given to understand by Norma Farnes that she had negotiated your part of the loss and that she had made it good, so that will have to be a question you will have to ask her.

  Regarding flying back from LA, well I knew nothing about this, basically all I understood was we were going to put on a show, and it didn’t come off, and if ever we did it again I would put it on in London. Norma must have known about this, and she should have raised the question what about Jimmy Verner. Alas, nobody has approached me since about doing a One Man Show, and Has I had already done a show with Pat O’Neill in Australia, and I was doing, nothing, but nothing regarding earning a living, I was glad when he came up with this.

  Needless to say I accepted it, but as I say my Manager should have said to me ‘What about Jimmy Verner’.

  I suppose morally I am to blame on the basis of principles, but I assure you I have not done it with any malicious intent, I did it because it was an offer of work, and the conditions were right for me to do it.

  Would you please write and let me know do I owe you any money because if you haven’t been paid then I will make sure you do.

  I am sorry, it’s the thing called ‘showbusiness’. The last thing I would want to do was to hurt you, and perhaps I have, and I feel pretty bloody.

  Alas, the die is cast, and I can’t go back on it.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  [Norma in the dock. I call it passing the buck. He excelled at that.]

  25 August 1982

  Dear Spike,

  Please, please understand why I have to write this letter, I couldn’t talk to you on the telephone today because you were too upset.

  I will take full responsibility for the Jimmy Verner affair, that’s my job, and the letter has already gone off to him, your copy attached.

  I think, deep inside, you know I am 100% loyal to you, and to myself I have 100% professional integrity, so for my own peace of mind I have to send this letter to say, when you told me that Pat O’Neill was going to do the tour of your One Man Show, I said to you ‘Spike, what about Jimmy Verner, we promised him’, and you said ‘Fuck him’, and went on to talk about Pat O’Neill. I realised it was too late, and that there was nothing I could do.

  I am certainly not bringing anyone else into this, it’s not my style, but Tanis knows, and knows how worried I’ve been about Jimmy Verner finding out – hence my note on his letter to you saying – ‘I’ve been waiting for this’.

  There’s absolutely no need to mention this ever again, destroy the letter and forget it, but try to understand it was only for my peace of mind.

  Love,

  Norma

  [He was ill, one of the black dog Periods when normally I would not disturb him. But another act of betrayal and he knew it. But ill or not I felt very deeply about this and he had to know. Jimmy Verner was one of my favourite people and Spike knew that.]

  James Verner Esq.

  London W1

  20 December 1982

  Dear Jimmy,

  I have a guilty conscience about not putting on the original show I intended with you (for no other reason than there was no bloody time).

  I am given to understand from Norma that you are £1,500 out of pocket, and I am writing to tell you that I intend paying this just as soon as I have that capital available.

  I do hope that you are still not too annoyed, because I am not a bad person, I get pretty mixed up with modern day living, and I still think you are a great bloke, but you are allowed to call me a shit another eight times, but after that it has to stop.

  As ever,

  Spike Milligan

  [Another act of contrition. He was a professor of that.]

  James Verner

  Has To Be

  Better Than 2

  And Bigger!

  4th January 1983

  Dear Spike,

  Firstly, not even once ‘a shit’, although until I got your letter I was wondering where I stood with you – or do I mean sat.

  I am delighted that you are sending me the balance outstanding on our last attempt to work together not least because they are cutting off my phone on Friday so that I can’t even talk about putting a show on let alone going through the hell of trying. (have been working on a musical called ‘Utopia’ for months – would you like to play King Paramount of Utopia for a few months ???)

  Hope to do something with you this year, whatever …

  Yours,

  James Verner

  James Verner Esq.

  Curzon Productions International Inc.

  London W1

  24 January 1983

  My dear Jimmy, or might I say, Dearest Jimmy,

  Over the incident, as you know I feel so terrible about it, I want you to know that I think you are a great guy, what happened to you, via me, made me feel a bit of a shit. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was. I’ll put you out of your misery now, I can’t do Utopia, for the simple reason I am writing a novel, and the publishers have given me an advance on it, otherwise, I think I would most certainly be interested in doing it, but might I point out, and this may make you lose some of your morale, putting on Gilbert & Sullivan at the same time as Pirates of Penzance is running at Drury Lane, I think is a bad move, it would have been much better to wait, let the momentum come and go, then they have got the taste for up-dated G. and S., before putting yours on.

  Of course, you know damn well I wish it every success in the world, and if you tell me where the rehearsals are taking place, I will try and pop down and suggest some ideas, that is with the acceptance of all the tempremental Queens and Producers etc, if I can be of any help, and thank you very much for
the offer.

  I am sending you another £500 to pay off what I owe you, and I think eventually I should pay the interest what would have been on this money.

  Why didn’t you come and see me after the show, I would have liked that, and I would have felt much better if I could shake your hand. Whilst dictating this letter Norma tells me that you did come back to see me, but ‘a man’ (who are these fucking men that fuck up the world), said I was waiting for an urgent call, that was all shit, it’s amazing that even my girlfriend Shelagh, and Pat O’Neill, and all the nanas in show business just don’t know when to recognise a real show business person, and put around such a thin fucking story.

  Anyhow, I am sorry that happened, if I go on any further saying I’m sorry, I will be saying I’m sorry for burning the Jews at Auschwitz.

  The appalling part of showbusiness I notice, it’s the in-between people who fuck it up totally.

  I am certain that if Jesus Christ himself got on the telephone and Tanis answered she would put him off.

  Love, light and peace,

  Spike Milligan

  P. S. In the next couple of weeks I would love to take you to dinner, and come and see a rehearsal. Some ideas which I think might be funny is one or two of the main characters, that is the most unlikely ones, might carry sex dummies under his arm, whilst singing an Aria, but carries it throughout the show. Others could carry appalling C & A Modes shopping bags, and one could clutch a violin throughout the whole show, and never play it. I also thought that during the whole show you might have a large television on the side of the stage, during which some of the cast not involved would be watching Coronation Street or Dallas.

  [Well, Well. Acts of contrition don’t get better than this.]

  13

  Broadcasting – His Opinions

  Messrs Frank Muir & Dennis Norden

  BBC Television Centre

  London W12

  20 April 1959

  Dear Frank and Dennis,

  I had fancied myself at one time as a comedy writer, but at the time of writing no-one else in the world does, except a firm in Australia where I am going this summer!