Distorted Hope

by Marissa Honeycutt

  Nathan’s face darkened with grief. “We lost her, Kyra,” he said in a broken voice. “She was gone before we got here. Luís checked for a heartbeat as soon as we got here, and it was gone.”

  I looked down at my stomach, now much flatter than it had been. “Oh.” It was all I could say. Then the tears started falling. Nathan moved so he could hold me as best he could with me being attached to the machines by various tubes and wires.

  I wept for an eternity and was surprised when I felt tears on my arms that weren’t mine. Nathan was crying. That just made me cry harder. We clung to each other in our grief. I didn’t know what to think or do. All I could do was cry. And cry. And cry.

  When my tears subsided, Nathan sat back in the chair next to my bed. The sky outside the window was dark. “How long have I been here?”

  “Since yesterday morning. Luís was afraid we’d lose you, too. You’d lost so much blood… Just before you passed out on the jet, you started hemorrhaging.” He grimaced.

  “Why?” I whispered. “Why did we lose her?”

  “Luís said it just happens sometimes, but he’s afraid it might have been the IUD.”

  I closed my eyes. “I thought everything was okay after we took it out.”

  “It was still a risk, but it could have been any number of things.” His face darkened more. “I might have been too rough on you before we left.”

  “Oh, Nathan! No. I’m sure it wasn’t that. How could it have been? We’ve done it plenty of times before then. Besides,” I shook my head. “I’d been having weird twinges for a couple of days.”

  Nathan’s face turned stony. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because you were with guests. I didn’t want to upset you.”

  He frowned. “You should have told me.”

  “Nathan, they weren’t bad. Nothing like what happened on the plane. They were more annoying than painful.”

  “You should have at least told Mark.”

  “I’m sorry, Nathan,” I whispered. I didn’t want him to be angry with me. “I was trying to do the right thing. I knew if you were worried about me, it would affect your… meetings. And then they stopped. I didn’t have them for a day and a half.”

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I know, Kitten. I’m sorry I got upset. You’re right. It would have worried me and affected negotiations.” He squeezed my hand.

  Dr. Perez came in a few minutes later with his usual, kind smile, though his face, too, was sad. He looked at Nathan with concern and then looked back at me. “How are you, querida?”

  “Okay.”

  “Did you tell her?” Dr. Perez asked, looking for and receiving Nathan’s affirmative nod. Dr. Perez walked over and studied the machines. “Are you feeling alright? Physically, I mean.”

  I nodded. I really wasn’t feeling anything bad. I felt kind of empty, but no pain.

  “No pain?”

  “Only in my heart.”

  Dr. Perez’s eyes were very sympathetic. “I know, querida. I’m so sorry.” His gaze flickered to Nathan, which made me wonder how Nathan had been doing. The concern on the doctor’s face every time he looked at Nathan worried me.

  Nathan was very subdued all evening. He stayed by my side, holding my hand, but didn’t speak much. I was worried about him. Mark came by shortly after I woke up and insisted on Nathan getting up and going for a walk. Just a short one.

  “How’s he doing?” I asked after Nathan left the room.

  Mark grimaced and shook his head. “I honestly don’t know. He’s been really quiet.” He chuckled. “Well, after things settled down, he got quiet. When we first got here, I swear people two blocks away could have heard him yelling. He didn’t think the helicopter pilot was flying fast enough, the doctors weren’t doing enough. When they took you in for surgery, Bryce and I had to physically hold him back from storming in after you.” Mark laughed softly. “He’s a rather determined man.”

  I allowed myself a smile. “You think?” I sobered quickly. “Will he be okay?”

  “I’m sure he will be. If he’d lost you… I don’t know. But you’re still here. There will be chances for other babies. If you guys want.”

  Tears came to my eyes again. “I was so looking forward to seeing the happiness on his face when Hope was born,” I whispered.

  Mark squeezed my hand. “I know, Kyra. It will be okay. It’ll work out.”

  When I woke up the next morning, Nathan was lying on the small couch under the window. Well, kind of lying. He made the couch look like a child’s toy, but he was asleep and snoring softly. I turned on my side and watched him sleep. His face was peaceful. I hoped I would see it that way soon when he was awake.

  As crushed as my heart felt by my own grief, I think I was more worried about Nathan’s grief. Baby Hope had given him hope. Would he lose it now?

  Nathan jumped suddenly and almost fell off the couch. His eyes were wide, as if he were trying to figure out where he was. When he caught sight of me, he visibly relaxed.

  “Good morning,” I said quietly.

  His eyes turned tender. “Good morning, Kitten. How are you feeling?”

  “Okay.”

  He walked over to sit in the bedside chair and took my hand. “You were asleep when I got back last night.” I thought I detected a twinge of guilt in his voice.

  “I knew you’d be back. Mark took good care of me.”

  Nathan nodded and ran his hands through his hair. He wore it longer now, just a little. I liked running my hand through the thick, silky strands. I think I liked everything about his body. What wasn’t to like?

  “Why are you staring at me?” Nathan asked.

  “I like looking at you. I think you’re very handsome.”

  That got a small smile out of him. “Thank you. I think you are very beautiful.” He reached over and smoothed my hair away from my face. “I don’t know what I would have done…” His voice trailed off as his eyes grew wet. He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I don’t know if I could have dealt with losing both of you.”

  “I’m here,” I said squeezing his hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I wouldn’t let you.”

  We flew home that afternoon. Nathan wanted to get out of the city. I could tell it was making him anxious. We’d flown into Panama to get married, and we came home without a baby. But if we hadn’t gone, if we hadn’t been near a hospital, I probably would have died. That’s what Dr. Perez had said. Nathan said once I was better, we’d fly back and get married.

  I was still tired and Dr. Perez wanted me to rest, so I was settled into our bedroom and ordered to stay in bed for the rest of the week.

  Nathan stayed with me the first couple of days, but I encouraged him to go get some exercise. I was doing fine and he was getting anxious being cooped up with me.

  The day after I was allowed up, Nathan sent Jason home. I had asked Nathan if Jason could tell Stacey I was okay and he agreed. That took a huge burden off my shoulders. I could stay here without worrying about her. I didn’t want to leave; this was my home now. With Nathan.

  I walked with Nathan and Jason to the helicopter. Jason and Julia had talked for a long time and decided she would stay here. At least for a while. She couldn’t leave her brother, knowing she’d never see him again. Maybe once we had moved away.

  Saying goodbye to Jason was harder than I expected it to be.

  Jason held me tightly. “I still love you, Kyra,” he whispered in my ear. “If you ever decide to come home… If he lets you…”

  I still loved him, too, but I belonged with Nathan. And Nathan, I knew, would never let me go. “Thank you, Jason. You’re a great guy.” I closed my eyes. “I still love you, too,” I whispered and then pulled back. “You’ll give Stacey my message?”

  Jason nodded. “I will. I’ll make sure she doesn’t worry about you. Or at least try to keep her from worrying.” He glanced at Nathan, who was standing a few feet away, talking to Mark. “You sure you don�
�t want to get home, Kyra? I could tell someone—”

  I shook my head. “I belong with Nathan, Jason. I love him.”

  He nodded, though he didn’t look happy. “I won’t tell anybody, but if you ever need anything…”

  I smiled. “I know, Jason, but I’ll be okay. He’s different now. You know that.”

  “I know. If you guys ever leave here, let me know. I’d like to know you’re okay.”

  “If he lets me, I will. He has to be careful.”

  “Yeah.” He looked up as Nathan and Mark walked over.

  “Ready?” Mark asked. He was going with Jason to take him home and then look around for another engineer to finish up the last few orders before we could move.

  “Jason, I’m trusting you to keep your word,” Nathan said solemnly, putting his arm around my waist.

  “I will, Nathan. I’m trusting you to take good care of Kyra.”

  Nathan smiled—a genuine, but sad, smile. “I will.” They shook hands and Jason gave me a last hug before hopping into the helicopter.

  Mark kissed my cheek. “I’ll see ya soon, Kyra. Take care of Nathan for me.” He glanced at Nathan, who was talking to John. “If he starts… losing it, tell Luís. He can get in touch with me.”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine, Mark, but I appreciate your concern.”

  “I’m sure he will, too, but I always have contingency plans. It’s what keeps us safe.”

  “You come back safe, too.”

  Mark gave me a hug and then nodded to Nathan before getting into the helicopter. He would be gone for at least a month. Maybe more. There was no way to know.

  Nathan and I stepped back and waved as the helicopter lifted up into the air and then disappear into the cloudy sky.

  He pulled me close and kissed me soundly. “You have changed me, Kitten. I’ve never let an engineer go home before.”

  “Thank you for letting him go.”

  “Now I don’t have to be jealous anymore.”

  “You were jealous?” I asked, surprised.

  Nathan shrugged. “I haven’t had anything to lose in a long time, Kitten.” He grimaced and I knew he was thinking of the baby.

  “Shall we go try and make another one?” I asked with a seductive glint in my eye.

  He grinned and picked me up. “Absolutely.”

  Time passed and I didn’t get pregnant again. After four months of trying, Nathan started to withdraw from me. I knew he was upset, but I tried to stay positive, for his sake. As strong a man as he was, his hope was balanced on a very thin blade and there were some days I despaired for him.

  Dr. Perez stayed positive. If I’d gotten pregnant once, I could do it again. I was still young; we had plenty of time.

  But that didn’t stop Nathan from losing hope. Every month, my period came, and he spent more and more time in his office and less time with me. When my period arrived in the sixth month, he went into his office and I didn’t see him for the entire day, and he didn’t come to bed that night.

  I went to look for him the next morning and found him in his office. The room was lit only by the rising sun and he was sitting on the couch with a glass in his hand. I could feel the tension in the room.

  “Nathan?” I spoke quietly, so as not to disturb him. I had come in through the house and only could see the back of his head.

  He didn’t respond and I walked in and put my hand on his shoulder. “Nathan, are you okay?”

  He smacked my hand away. “No,” he growled. “I’m not fucking okay.”

  I knew he was upset and didn’t take his aggression personally. He wasn’t angry at me. I knew this.

  I walked around to the front of the couch and sat on the table in front of him. I tried to take his hand, but he moved it away before I could, so I put my hand on his knee. “Nathan, it’s only been a few months. Dr. Perez said—”

  “It’s been six months, Kyra. Six fucking months.” He laughed bitterly. “Maybe it wasn’t mine, after all. Maybe it was Jason’s.”

  “You know that’s not true,” I protested. My heart ached for him. I could tell how hopeless he was feeling. Literally and figuratively. “Maybe we should just stop trying so hard. Dr. Perez sa—”

  “Fuck Dr. Perez!” he barked, glaring at me as I jumped back. “Fuck him and his fucking encouragement.” He stood suddenly and walked to the other side of the room. “Fuck all this shit, Kyra. I was fucking fine before you had to come and disturb everything.”

  Okay, that hurt. I tried not to take it personal. “Nathan, please…” I stood and walked to him. “The stress of trying might be the very thing preventing it. Maybe we should just… I don’t know… go away for a few days. We could get married and have a little honeymoon like we’d originally planned.” I reached him and went to wrap my arms around his waist and he stepped away from me. “Nathan…”

  I reached for him again and he shoved me away. He pushed me so hard I fell to the floor. I stared up at him in shock. I knew he was upset, but he never got physical with me. He was always very careful because of what happened with Yuri and Pavel. Even when we played rough, I had to urge him to use the flogger harder.

  “Fuck that, Kyra. I’m not marrying you.”

  My heart went into my throat. “What?” I couldn’t believe I heard what I thought I heard.

  “I said, I won’t marry you.” He stepped over me and walked to the window. “I realized that all this… this shit with good things… It doesn’t work. It doesn’t last. Life sucks. People die. Hope is for fools.”

  “You don’t mean that, Nathan.”

  He turned around, his face contorted with rage. “I was fucking fine before you fucking showed up and ruined everything!” he screamed. “You fucking ruined everything!”

  I tried to tell myself it was the grief talking, but it was getting harder and harder to believe it.

  He growled loudly and then threw his glass at the fireplace. It shattered, spraying glass and amber liquid all over the place. I flinched, even though I was on the other side of the room.

  I stood up, my chest heaving. “I didn’t ask to be brought here, Nathan. You brought me. And then you told me you were glad I was here. That I’d given you hope for the first time in years. Don’t give up, Nathan. Things will be okay. I promise.”

  “Yeah, I should listen to a woman,” he huffed. “I should have sent you home with Jason.”

  I clutched my chest, my heart aching. “You don’t mean that.”

  He laughed, but not a nice laugh. “No, I just should have left you as you were originally intended to be. Another one of my sex slaves. Then everything would have been fucking fine.” He glared at me. “I should have listened to my instincts and stayed away from you.”

  I felt like he was stabbing my heart with a dull knife. “Nathan, I love you. You love me…” Tears ran down my cheeks. “Don’t let the grief turn you angry and bitter again. Please. You’re a good man. We’re going to move, remember? Move to Croatia and start over.”

  He shook his head. “Why would I want to give this up?” He motioned with his hand around the room. “You got into my head and made me want to change. I was a fucking idiot to let you in. Things were fine the way they were.”

  I shook my head. “No, Nathan, they weren’t. You’re not thinking straight. Let me take you up to bed. Get some sleep. You’re exhausted and drunk.”

  “No, actually my head is pretty clear. Clearer than it’s been in a long time.” He stormed over to me. “You almost fucking ruined my life with getting pregnant. I have a good life here. I have everything I need. And you were going to make me give it all up.” He pulled me around by my hair and I shrieked. “You are going to pay for that.”

  He backhanded me across the face. I screamed and tried to get away. If only Mark were here. He would help me. He knew how to handle Nathan. But he was out of town, and I had no idea when he would be back.

  Nathan swung his arm again and hit me on the other side of my face, making me scream again, but he let me go.
I fell to the ground and started to crawl away, but he grabbed my leg and pulled me back across the wooden floor.

  He bared his teeth. “I’ve been stupid, keeping you to myself with my clients. I could have had much more leverage if I’d included you in my negotiations. I don’t know why so many of my clients like to eat pussy, but you are so sweet, they’d probably agree to anything to get a piece of your ass.” He grinned. It was not a nice grin. “I never got into your ass, did I? It’s not a luxury I often have. We’ll have to work on that.”

  He held my arms above my head with one hand and lifted up my skirt with the other.

  “Nathan, I’m on my period!” I exclaimed, kicking his hands away.

  He grinned again. “Well, then, maybe it’s a good time to start stretching your ass out.” He brought his face down to mine. “Go upstairs and put a tampon in and be in bed, naked, in five minutes. If you aren’t ready when I get up there, I will rip into your ass without stretching it first. I’m sure you can imagine the damage I could do.”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I stared up into the mask the man I loved wore. Why? Why was he so angry? Why was he acting so hateful?

  He released my hands. “Go, bitch.”

  I stared at him a moment longer and then scrambled to my feet and ran away. I paused at the bottom of the stairs, wondering if I should try and hide or run away until he was calmer. If he found me, he would hurt me. I was sure of it. At least until he calmed down. Could I hide that long? What if he didn’t calm down?

  No, he had to calm down soon. And then he would feel bad about what he’d said. I couldn’t let him voluntarily hurt me. I just needed to hide until he worked out his anger.

  So I made a decision. I ran out of the house and into the garden which was fortunately empty. I ran into the memorial garden and huddled on the ground in the corner. It was the only place I knew he wouldn’t instantly think of finding me. It was painful to be here. We had buried Hope in here and neither of us were ready to face her tiny grave for very long. But it would be more painful if I let Nathan hurt me. For both of us.