Casualties of Love

by Denise Riley

“Wake up, baby. Come on, sweetheart. Open your eyes,” Tyson coaxed. His voice was rough with worry. “Where’s the blood coming from Kendall?”

  Kendall was wiping away blood and debris from Jessica’s body looking for the wound. She found a gash on her abdomen, just above Jessica’s hipline.

  “I think this is it,” she said pointing out the wound. She wiped and wiped. “It’s not that big though. It wouldn’t account for so much blood. There’s got to be another wound, or maybe the blood wasn’t hers.”

  They turned Jessica’s body to look for wounds, but didn’t find anything major. Kendall checked for internal problems. Jessica continued to moan.

  “Why isn’t she waking up?”

  “Might be a blow to the head,” she said. “She’s moaning though, so it’s a good sign. Here,” she said as she handed Tyson a wet towel. “Start wiping the blood away. I need to be sure this wound isn’t worse than I think. It’s not all that wide, but maybe it’s deep.”

  Tyson wiped blood. He wiped, rinsed the rag, and wiped some more. He was quiet and Kendall knew he was afraid for Jessica. His features were tight and it looked like all the muscles in his upper body were strung tight.

  It looked like the gash he was wiping around wasn’t gushing, but oozing slowly. That was a good sign. Kendall went about assessing Jessica’s overall condition.

  “Was she injured before? Was Jessica hurt in the field during an earlier tour?” he asked Kendall. His sudden question surprised her.

  “What?” Kendall asked. She looked up at Tyson.

  “Was Jessica injured before? This scar. It looks serious.”

  Kendall turned her attention to where Tyson was cleaning. It was near the new gash, but scar was old. It was a faint dark line the sliced across the lower portion of Jessica’s abdomen. It looked a lot like...Oh, crap. Kendall looked at him in surprise.

  “It was serious, right? Did you know she’d been injured before?”

  “Tyson,” she started.

  “What this old injury is causing a problem?” he asked. “I can’t lose her.” His voice was, like he was talking more to himself than to Kendall.

  “Tyson, the scar isn’t a problem. It’s not an old wound. At least not the kind...” Kendall paused. She knew that Jessica might kill her, but she wouldn’t lie to him. “That’s a C-section scar.”

  Kendal watched as Tyson went still. Little by little his muscles seemed to lock up until he didn’t even seem to be breathing.

  “C-section. As in had a baby,” he said. His eyes were glued to the scar.

  “Yeah. It looks to be a C-section scar. From where it’s at, the length and all. Tyson, look, this is none of my business. But, I’m sure she can...”

  Kendall abruptly cut herself off with the sharp shake of his head. Then, she watched him take a deep breath and go back to cleaning Jessica’s body. Kendal didn’t have a clue what he was thinking. Marcus rushed back in with supplies and Kendall got to work. It looked like all the blood on Jessica’s uniform belonged to someone else. Her wound was superficial. As long as she woke up soon, she’d come through just fine. Physically, anyway. It was now pretty clear what Jessica had been hiding. Kendall didn’t know how well she’d make out emotionally when she finally explained things to Tyson.

  ******

  Jessica woke up with a start. She quickly looked around and noted she wasn’t in her room. She pushed her self up and let out a groan. She was sore, really sore. Then she remembered what had happened and realized where she was.

  They’d been hit. And IED had gone off during their convoy back from the border. She was riding two vehicles behind the one that got blasted, but they still felt the force. They’d jumped out and hustled to help the wounded. She’d had to help drag a couple of guys away from the burning metal before going into emergency, combat care mode. The one Soldier was bleeding badly. She remembered another small blast and falling down. Must have been a secondary device. She guessed she passed out or something, because she didn’t remember getting here – the infirmary. Tyson was asleep at the foot of her bed.

  “Tyson,” she called his name. When he didn’t respond she tried again.

  “You’re awake,” he said.

  “Have I been out long?”

  “A couple of hours,” he said. “You weren’t fully conscious when they brought you in. You’ve got a gash, but Kendall said it’s not serious.”

  “You stayed with me?” she asked. “Thanks.”

  “I was waiting for you to wake up.”

  His voice sounded empty; his eyes looked empty. Jessica noted his demeanor. He seemed closed off somehow. Something had happened. Something was wrong.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Tell me about the baby.”

  “What?” Jessica’s eyes snapped to Tyson’s and what she saw in his gaze wouldn’t allow her to look away. Oh, God. He knows. He’d found out somehow before she was the one to tell him.

  “Tell me about the baby, Jessica,” he demanded. She tried to look away. “Don’t,” he commanded. “Look at me and tell me.”

  “I’m sure you can figure it out, now that you know there was a child,” she said. Her voice sounded strained in her ears. She knew it was due to the tightness that has settle in her throat.

  “Tell. Me. Now.”

  Jessica hated how his voice sounded. Like he hated her. Like he never should have trusted her. Like she’d lied to him and betrayed him. She couldn’t stop the flow of tears that started to course from her eyes.

  “I was pregnant. I left the Academy because I was pregnant.”

  Six years ago

  Jessica sat in the Commandant’s office looking at the Superintendant. He was patient, but he wanted the truth from her and she’d give it. He’d been an unexpected supporter, though she’d never known why. He wanted to know the real reason she was giving up her place at the Military Academy when she only had months to go until graduation.

  “I’m pregnant,” she admitted to him.

  Jessica waited a bit for his disbelieving outrage over her stupidity to manifest itself, but it never came.

  “I didn’t want anyone to know, so this is really difficult,” she continued. “I know you’re probably thinking “stereotypical Black kid”. I get the chance of a lifetime, and I screw it up by getting pregnant my last year. Hell, it’s what I’m thinking, and maybe it’s true. But, we were, um…I was careful and it happened anyway and I can’t finish the year because of it. So…”

  She finished up her dreaded explanation with a deep breath, but couldn’t bring herself to look at the man leaning against the desk in front of her. Besides her extreme embarrassment over her situation, it had not escaped her notice that she’d cursed during her little talk. She busied herself looking around the room at all of the memorabilia in the Commandant’s office.

  “Jessica,” he called to her, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. “Jessica, look at me.” She reluctantly complied. “That’s not what I’m thinking. Not at all. What I’m thinking is that we’re losing a good cadet, a good Soldier. You’ve excelled here. Clearly this was unplanned. I’m sure it was…unexpected, but I want you to finish. Are you sure there’s no way you can, ah, finish up the year…discretely? This is just between us. No one else would have to know.”

  Jessica knew what he meant. She had done the numbers and estimated the progression of the pregnancy numerous times in her head, on paper, on her fingers. But, the math wasn’t that complicated. There was no way. She was eight weeks pregnant, two months along. By the time the end of May rolled around she’d be huge, that is, if she wasn’t in labor. There would be no hiding it. She wouldn’t be able to do PT, tactical operations training…anything. She had already thought of trying to qualify for medical leave and come back to redo her last year, but she couldn’t fathom them allowing a doctor’s note to excuse seven months of pregnancy. It wouldn’t work. And she couldn’t fake some other lingering illness. That would be wrong. Duty, honor, country. Lying was against the co
de and she honored the code.

  “No, sir. I’ve thought of that. The timing isn’t…ideal. Plus, since you already know, it would be breaking the code. I’ve…messed up. I have to deal with the consequences.”

  “Ok.” He paused, and then continued slowly. “But, Jessica, you didn’t mess up all on your own. It takes two people to create a pregnancy. Why are you here alone? Why are you dealing with the consequences alone?”

  Jessica was silent; she didn’t want to answer. She sincerely hoped the Superintendent didn’t ask her who the father was. She suspected he knew, given his interest in her success at the Academy. Surely, he knew that she and Tyson were dating. Even so, Jessica didn’t want to voice it out loud. If she said his name, then they could call him on it. She wouldn’t allow that. Tyson meant everything to her. She loved him. This thing that had happened… She didn’t want it to ruin both of their careers. She couldn’t hide a pregnancy, couldn’t finish her responsibilities at West Point because of it. But, Tyson didn’t have to leave. He could finish, get his commission, and serve and lead as he’d planned to.

  Jessica would tell him later. She’d already worked it out in her mind. She would convince him that she needed to go, give him time to finish up, and then she’d tell him about the baby. He loved her. She knew that. He’d leave with her if he knew about it now; he wouldn’t ever let her shoulder the burden alone. If he knew, he would want to get married. They couldn’t do that because, just as cadets couldn’t be pregnant, they couldn’t be married. But if he didn’t know, he would stay. Tyson would be hurt that she left, but hopefully able to get over it later and they could move forward together when he graduated.

  “This is my responsibility, sir. I do not wish to bring anyone else into it. Please respect that. Please.” She pleaded at the end. He looked at her for several seconds and then nodded.

  The Superintendant granted her resignation. Jessica went home and told her father and her grandmother she was having a baby. Her father, Alan, was mostly silent and had remained so until the baby came. She didn’t know what he thought or how he felt. She figured he was disappointed. How could he not be? She’d just flubbed a major, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Her grandmother, on the other hand, was vocal enough for one hundred people. She ranted for weeks about the disappointment, which was really quite ridiculous given her extreme negativity about Jessica going to the Academy and into the Army when she received her recommendation.

  As the pregnancy progressed, she railed at Jessica even more. What would your mother have thought? What are you going to do as a single mother? Didn’t I tell you that boy would eventually abandon you? Jessica’s grandmother knew about Tyson, and she did not approve. She hadn’t approved of Jessica going into the “White man’s Army” and she certainly hadn’t approved of Jessica coming home with a White man’s baby. Initially, the strain was nearly unbearable. Without her father’s support, Jessica found it hard to deal with her grandmother’s verbal abuse. The only thing she held on to was the idea that soon she and Tyson would be together again.

  As time went on, it got increasingly hard to ask Tyson to stop asking her what had happened, to stop calling. The more the baby grew, the more excited Jessica became and there was nobody she wanted to share it with more than Tyson. She was carrying his son. She found out that the baby was a boy and she was thrilled. Not telling him about it was emotionally draining. Besides that, she needed him.

  Around the seventh month, the pregnancy became very difficult. Jessica was sick, a lot, and the doctors couldn’t seem to help her. She suffered dehydration a number of times. They feared preeclampsia; her blood pressure was hard to regulate. Jessica was afraid and she wished so deeply for Tyson when she was frightened for the baby, feeling low, feeling uncertain and alone. But, she believed she was sacrificing for a greater cause, so Jessica sucked it up. She knew she was near the breaking point, near asking him to come to her. But, there was only a little while until graduation. She had to suffer through it. He’d graduate and then she’d tell him everything.

  But, that never happened. Jessica got so ill, that she was hospitalized. Her father was sick with worry. Even her grandmother was afraid for her and the baby. She went into distress and they had to take the baby. Her doctor performed the emergency C-section late one Thursday night. Everyone had hoped the baby would survive, but he didn’t. Jessica was devastated. She was distraught and essentially came unglued. She had lost the very thing that had helped her hold on when Tyson couldn’t be there. The thing she had come to want more than anything else in her life. She had lost her son,

  The depression was swift and all-consuming. Jessica didn’t eat. She didn’t sleep. She didn’t do anything but lie around and cry until her body crashed from exhaustion. She couldn’t fathom talking to anyone, not even Tyson, about the loss of her baby. The days drifted into weeks, and before long months went by. Her grandmother forced her to see someone, but by the time she surfaced from the despair, she didn’t think Tyson would want to speak to her, to see her. She didn’t think he would want her. He had long ceased calling and writing. He didn’t text or email anymore. Jessica couldn’t fathom that he would want to be with her, the woman who’d left him and then lost his child. She could barely stand herself, so why would he want anything to do with her. So, Jessica threw herself into the only thing she had left - getting her degree and getting back in the Army.

  Present Time

  Jessica waited in silence for Tyson to speak. He hadn’t interrupted her at all during her recall and telling of what had happened. He looked stunned. He looked angry. He looked like he’d never forgive her.

  “You shouldn’t have kept it from me,” he said. He voice was hard and gravelly.

  “I know. I know. But, I didn’t want you to throw away your career, your family’s legacy.”

  “It wasn’t your choice to make. You lied. You hid it from me. You told the Superintendant and not me. You kept your secret. You denied me the choice to be there for you, for our child. Our child, Jessica.” He paused. “How do I even begin to mourn when I didn’t even know? And my family. What do I tell them?” His voice was so low that Jessica didn’t think he was speaking to her.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tyson. I didn’t know how to tell you. At first, it hurt so much, I couldn’t talk to anyone. Later... I didn’t now how to tell you.” Jessica knew she was repeating herself but she couldn’t help it. It was the truth. The words were honest; she didn’t know how - how to say the words; how to watch him do what he was doing now – turn his disappointed, unforgiving gaze upon her; how to beg for his understanding and forgiveness; how to ask that he please, please not blame her for the loss of their baby.

  He didn’t look at her, but he stood. She knew he was about to walk out and it broke her heart.

  “Tyson, don’t go,” she pleaded. “Please, don’t go. I’m sorry. I know I was wrong, but I thought it was the right thing. There was no need for both of us to resign. You finished. You got your commission! It was what you were meant to do. I couldn’t ruin that!”

  “Yes, Jessica. I got my commission.” He stopped at the doorway and turned toward her. His features were hard and she knew his attitude was unyielding. The tears from her eyes continued to flow as she watched how effectively he shut her out. “I got my commission, but maybe I could have had my son.”

  Jessica sobbed as Tyson walked out. She sobbed for her loss, for his loss, and for the irreparable damage done to the second chance she had hoped they might have had.

  Chapter 14

  “Hey, baby girl,” Marcus called out to Jessica as he opened her door.

  He looked her over. She was sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked the same as she had the few days before the accident and the fall-out with Tyson, but he sensed her sorrow and weariness. It floated around her, almost like a visible haze.

  “Hey. What are you doing here?” Jessica gave him a weak smile.

  “Brought you some food,” he said as he produced the bag from beh
ind him. She brightened a little.

  “You trying to fatten me up or something? You’ve been bringing me food for three days.”

  “Did you eat today?” he asked with a pointed look.

  “No,” she admitted and grabbed at the bag.

  He kept it from her for a couple times. She poked him hard in his side, and he gave up the bag with a laugh. She rifled through it and found what she wanted.

  “My lunch is in there too, you know,” he teased as he sat down at her desk. She sat back on her bed and handed him the bag.

  “Thanks, Marcus,” she said in a soft tone. Her expression was grateful.

  Marcus just nodded.

  They ate in silence for a while, each in their own thoughts. Marcus knew Jessica was thinking about his friend. He knew she was taking total blame on their falling out. And while he agreed that the secrets Jessica kept were major and damaging, Marcus understood her line of thinking. He understood that she’d done what a barely twenty-something young woman thought was right for the person she loved.

  Marcus swallowed and spoke.

  “He’ll come around,” Marcus said to her.

  “Maybe he won’t,” she stated. Jessica set her food down and sighed.

  “It was a tough decision, Jessica. Really tough. You were young and trying to do the best thing for all of you. He’ll understand that.” He paused. “If he doesn’t, he’s an idiot.”

  “He’s your best friend. Shouldn’t you be on his side?” she asked.

  “He is. But, I know that everything you did was to protect him. It might take him a minute to admit it, but I know he knows it, too.”

  “Marcus, he may never speak to me again, and I have to be ok with it. It’s what I deserve. I kept his choices and the knowledge of his child from him. I love you for it, but you don’t have to try to make me feel better about it.”

  “It’s not what you deserve,” he said to her adamantly. “You deserve forgiveness for your mistake in keeping things from him. You deserve loyalty and thanks for making the unselfish choice to put him first. And like I said, best friend or not, if Tyson can’t see that then he’s an idiot.”