by Ruff, K. S.
Everyone grudgingly nodded, but I had a sinking feeling that we were only delaying the inevitable. Someone I loved was still going to be hurt in the end, and I was the one who was going to have to hurt him. I tried not to cry as I began clearing the table.
“When does this agreement go into effect?” Kadyn asked. “No offense, but I’m not about to waste my Saturday with Kri playing Scrabble with the two of you.”
“Hold up,” Rafael responded as he helped me gather the plates. “Kristine and I had a date planned for tonight, long before this agreement was negotiated.”
Shae reached for the Scrabble game. “The agreement goes into effect tomorrow, and I didn’t go through the effort of mediating this mess, so you could rob me of my one chance in over six months to play Scrabble.”
I made a strangled sound that fell somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “Shae, what am I going to do with you?”
She laughed. “What would you do without me?”
Kadyn, Rafael, and I cleaned the table and dinner dishes while Shae set up the Scrabble game. Kadyn grabbed another Sprite while I brewed coffee for Rafael and me. We filed back into the dining room with our drinks. Shae and I ran down the Scrabble rules for Rafael while everyone picked their tiles.
The Scrabble game ended rather amicably shortly after midnight. Kadyn won, although Rafael came in at a close second. Shae came in third, and I lost. No surprise there.
Shae shooed both men out of the house in front of her as she left. Rafael tried to object, but Shae just shook her head and pointed toward the door.
I flipped off all the lights before going upstairs. I still couldn’t believe Rafael and Kadyn had agreed to date me at the same time. I wouldn’t have believed either of them would have agreed to that, not in a million years. I doubted it would make it any easier for me to choose between them, but I was relieved I wasn’t going to have to make that decision anytime soon.
I peeled off my clothes and slid a short silk nightgown over my head before I padded off to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. As I lowered the washcloth from my face, I jumped at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. “Rafael,” I gasped. “You scared the crap out of me.” I turned around to face him. “You can’t keep sneaking up on me like that.”
Rafael bracketed me in his arms as he leaned against the counter. “Do you know how much I’m sacrificing… what I’m risking by letting you date Kadyn?” he asked.
My heart pounded fiercely against my chest. “Yes,” I breathed.
His eyes softened, then filled with concern. “What happened on the floor earlier? Did you have another flashback?”
Tears welled in my eyes. “Yes.”
Rafael gathered me in his arms. “I’m so sorry. I honestly thought you could handle it. I thought enough time had passed. I know I was being hard on you. I just want to make sure you know how to defend yourself. I want you safe. I’ll dial it back a notch, but we need to work through those fears, okay? I don’t want you freezing up like that if someone else attacks you.”
I nodded against his chest.
Rafael swept his arm under my legs and carted me off to bed. He settled me under the covers.
My eyes widened when he kicked his shoes off and began to undress. “What are you doing?”
“I’m spending the night. Sunday is my day, and you’ll be spending every second of it with me.”
“But…”
Rafael turned the light off and climbed into bed. “I know. No sex.” He wrapped his arms around me as he tucked my back against his chest.
“You’re naked,” I groaned.
He laughed softly as he nuzzled my ear. “I warned you, Kristine, when you first agreed to date me. I won’t play fair. I don’t know how long I can honor this no sex thing, but I’ll try, at least tonight. No promises after that… and don’t forget, you owe me a rain check on the shower.”
I burrowed into his chest. As difficult as the day had been, it felt really good to be back in his arms. “I won’t forget.”
Rafael nestled my hand in his. “Dream of me,” he whispered softly.
I sighed contentedly. “I already am.”
Chapter 5 – Feel again
“I smell coffee,” I murmured sleepily.
Rafael set two cups of coffee on my nightstand. He climbed over me before crawling back under the covers. “Did you sleep well?”
I flung my arm over his chest as I settled in under the crook of his arm. “No nightmares. None that I can recall anyway.”
He smiled. “You didn’t cry in your sleep.”
“I always seem to sleep more peacefully when you’re around. Did you sleep okay? You’ve got to be exhausted after staying up for three nights straight.”
Rafael propped the pillows behind us so we could recline against the headboard. He handed me one of the coffee cups before claiming one for himself. “I slept very well. I think I could get used to this… sleeping and waking up next to you.”
I smiled as I breathed in the coffee. “Keep bribing me with coffee...”
Rafael laughed. “So, what would you like to do today?”
I took a sip of coffee. “Well, I’d like to bake you some of my famous scones for breakfast, study a little bit of Russian, and beat up that punching bag again.”
Rafael looked thoughtful as he drank his coffee. “Would you like to go out for dinner?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I want to share you with the rest of the world today. Can we just hang out here or over at your place?”
He kissed the top of my head. “That sounds perfect. It looks really nice outside. Why don’t we have a picnic out front, along the river?”
I took another sip of coffee. “That sounds wonderful.”
“I ran over to my place to grab a change of clothes while the coffee was brewing. Do you mind if I shower over here while you make the scones?”
The thought of Rafael naked in my shower sent my nerves pinging in unmentionable places. “Um, sure.”
His eyes filled with mischief as he pried the coffee out of my hands. “Do you want to join me?”
I sank into the bed as he rolled on top of me. “Yes, but I know exactly where that will lead so I’m going to say no.”
Rafael nipped at my jaw before settling in to suck at the sensitive spot behind my ear. “What if I promise to be good?”
My toes curled as his hand slipped under my nightgown to caress my breasts. “Oh, I know just how good you are… but I think your definition of being good and mine are two very different things.” I gasped as he settled his legs between mine and rocked against me. “You really don’t play fair,” I moaned.
Rafael swallowed my next protest in a fiercely determined kiss. Then he climbed out of bed and sauntered off toward the bathroom.
I threw the pillow at him. “You tease!”
He caught the pillow and laughed. “I just want to make sure you’re as miserable as I am with this no sex rule.” He tossed the pillow back on the bed before disappearing into the bathroom.
I didn’t dare follow him into the bathroom, so I ambled down to the guest bathroom, opened up a new toothbrush, and brushed my teeth. I walked downstairs, poured another cup of coffee, and set my iPod to play through my Ella Fitzgerald collection before gathering the ingredients for the scones.
I was sliding the scones into the oven when Rafael came downstairs. “You’re covered in flour…” he murmured as he kissed my nose. “Where’s your laptop?”
I began pulling fruit from the refrigerator so I could make a fruit salad. “It’s in the library. Why?”
“I thought I would load my Rosetta Stone disks onto your computer, so you can practice your Russian when I’m not around.”
I dumped the fruit on the counter next to the sink so I could rinse it off. “Thanks, Rafael, that’s very sweet.”
“Spasibo, Rafael, eto ochen’ lyubezno,” he corrected as he walked toward the library.
“Spasibo?” I called out.
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He returned with my laptop and two disks. “That means ‘thank you’ in Russian. ‘Eto ochen’ lyubezno’ means ‘that is very kind.’” He set the laptop and disks on the center island and settled onto the stool.
I laughed. “So, the lessons begin.”
“Da,” he responded. He popped open my laptop and began loading the disks.
I handed him a fresh cup of coffee. “I assume that means ‘yes.’”
Rafael smiled. “You won’t learn it if you don’t repeat it… multiple times.”
I finished chopping the kiwi, peaches, and strawberries for the salad. I set the bowl and a large serving spoon on the wrought iron table in the sun room. Then I set plates, glasses, and juice out while I waited for the scones to finish baking. As soon as the timer sounded, I piled the scones into an ornate metal basket, which I had lined with a cloth napkin. I cradled the basket in my left arm so I could grab Rafael’s hand. “Come on, handsome, let’s eat.”
He glanced up in surprise. “You think I’m handsome?”
I pulled him into the sun room. “Ridiculously handsome,” I clarified.
“Ridiculously handsome,” he murmured, as if turning the idea in his head. He snagged a scone and bit into the warm pastry before sinking into his chair. He examined the scone curiously. “What’s in this?”
“Cinnamon chips,” I replied. I grabbed one of the scones before setting the basket on the table.
He quickly polished off the scone. “You really can cook, Kristine.”
“Technically, scones aren’t cooked, they’re baked,” I responded teasingly.
He reached for my arm and tugged me onto his lap. “Well, you can bake for me anytime.” He handed me my coffee as I settled onto his lap.
I warmed my hands on the coffee cup. “You seemed surprised when I said you were handsome. Why?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I think most women find me too intimidating to consider me handsome.”
I laughed. “When I first met you… well, plowed into you, really… I thought you were trying to be intimidating, but you failed miserably.”
Rafael’s eyes crinkled with amusement. “Really?”
I set my coffee on the table so I could twine my fingers with his. “Shae referred to you as a dark angel when she first saw you sitting out on that park bench. I think it fits. You’re always watching over people… trying to keep them safe.”
Rafael lifted my hand to his lips. “I haven’t always kept you safe, and I didn’t keep my parents safe either.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. “You were still a child when your parents died. Besides, I think that’s what gives you those dark edges. Your wings have beat against the darkest side of life.”
He shook his head. “I don’t have wings.”
I rubbed between his shoulder blades. “I think maybe you do. Maybe they were broken somewhere along the way or maybe you just forgot how to use them…”
A smile teased at the corner of his lips. “I’m no angel.”
“You’re my angel,” I insisted.
His eyes caught and held mine.
“I love you,” I confessed in the faintest whisper.
His face reflected a confusing array of hope and pain, as if he didn’t dare believe it. “You love me?”
I sifted through my feelings in wonder. I had no clue where those words had come from. I met his gaze once more. “I’m not sure I understand how we got to this place, but I’m quite certain that love is the only word that could possibly capture how I feel about you.”
His kiss was so sweet and tender it brought tears to my eyes. He tucked me against his chest when he finally broke the kiss. “I love you too.”
We held each other for quite some time before I reluctantly pulled away. “I really need a shower…”
Rafael smiled. “You should have taken me up on my earlier offer.” He patted my bottom as I crawled out of his lap. “Go take your shower. I’ll clean up.”
I turned, just inside the French doors. “Spasibo.”
“Nyezashto,” he responded with a smile.
Rafael continued to slip Russian words into our conversation throughout the afternoon. We spent most of the day lifting weights and practicing self-defense. He still made me run each time I hit the punching bag, but he kept things light when he tackled me to the floor.
We packed French bread, cheese, pâté, grapes, and wine for dinner. Rafael grabbed a blanket, and we walked out front to eat alongside the river. I was surprised to find the cherry blossoms were already beginning to bud. The river would be breathtaking once they were in full bloom.
I slipped a grape inside Rafael’s mouth as we laid the food out on top of the blanket. “Let’s play twenty questions.”
Rafael reached for the bottle of wine. “Okay, but I get to go first.”
I smiled. “Okay, shoot.”
His face grew serious as he handed me a glass of wine. “Are you still in love with Michael?”
I shook my head. “Clearly you don’t understand how this game is played. You’re supposed to work up to the difficult questions.”
Rafael’s eyes danced. “Oh, I know how the game is played. If I only get twenty questions, I’m going to make each one count.”
I tried pouting.
He hooked his right arm around his knee as he waited for my response.
I peered out over the water as I sorted through my reply. “I will always love Michael and regret how our relationship ended, but I wouldn’t say that I’m still in love with him. Those feelings were destroyed when he forced me to leave, although I do understand why he did it. He loves me and wants me safe. I think Michael and I just have two very different ideas about what love is. I think love should pull you together during difficult times, not drive you apart.”
Rafael studied me as he sipped his wine. “If he showed up on your doorstep today, apologized, and begged you to come back… would you?”
I scowled in a sidelong glance. “Just for the record, that’s two questions.” I hugged my knees and tried to envision Michael on my doorstep. My heart clenched. I still couldn’t picture him without feeling excruciating pain. I sighed, sadly. “No. I could never trust Michael with my heart again. I couldn’t live like that… worrying each time something went wrong that he would push me away or end our relationship again. I need someone who’s going to be there during the tough times… someone who will stand by me no matter what life throws at us.”
Rafael nodded as he sliced the cheese. He handed me a piece before popping some in his mouth. “Your turn,” he prompted.
I glanced at him over the top of my wine. “Okay, since we’re going straight to the big questions… Have you ever been in love before?”
Rafael shook his head. “No. I went straight into training for special ops when I graduated high school. I was so busy avenging my parents’ deaths through my work that I could think of little else. You were my first assignment when I left the force, and I think that photograph hanging in my hallway reveals the only woman I have ever loved. I wasn’t interested in dating any other women after I met you. So I stood back and waited. I didn’t think things would work out between you and Michael.”
I wasn’t certain I wanted the answer to the next question, but I still felt compelled to ask. “Does Michael know about us?”
He exhaled loudly. “No. Not yet. I know I have to tell him, but I don’t know how. He’s not going to want to hear this, and I’m worried about how he might react.” He paused as he reached for a piece of bread. “My turn?”
I nodded, then sprawled out on my stomach.
Rafael waited until our eyes met again. “Do you still want to have children?”
I couldn’t hide the pain that question evoked. “I do, but I think my odds of getting pregnant again are pretty low. I haven’t seen a doctor since the miscarriage, but my doctors warned me a few years ago that I’d have difficulty conceiving. Why? Do you want children?”
He stretched his legs out as he lea
ned back over the blanket. “Absolutely.” His eyes softened as he met my gaze. “I would like to have a child of my own, but if that’s not possible, I’d want to adopt.” He smiled. “Actually, I think it would be nice to do both.” He offered me a grape. “Can you picture a future with me?”
I sat up and spread pâté on a couple slices of bread. Aside from school and my new career goals, I hadn’t really thought about my future. It had proven too painful after losing Michael and the baby.
I handed Rafael a slice of bread as I contemplated what a future with him might look like. When I looked into his eyes I saw so much kindness, an unwavering commitment, and hope. I wanted those things in my life so badly it hurt. “Yes,” I whispered. “I can picture a future with you.”
Rafael kissed the top of my head. “I can’t envision a future without you,” he murmured with his lips still pressed to my head.
I tried to lighten up the questions a bit. “Where do you want to settle down? Of all the places you’ve been, where do you most enjoy living?”
He refilled our wine glasses. “I like living in Northern Virginia, but I really like Saint-Tropez too. I’d be happy living in either of those two places.”
I peered out over the water and sighed. The gray hue paled in comparison to the vivid blue waters offered by Saint-Tropez. “I loved Saint-Tropez.”
Rafael followed my gaze. “How do you feel about Kadyn?”
“Wouldn’t you rather know my favorite color?” I whined.
He smiled, but he shook his head. “I need to know where I stand with my competition. You have no idea how difficult this is… this idea of you dating him too. You guys have a history together, and he’s clearly in love with you.” Rafael paused as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m trying to do the right thing. I want you certain of your feelings for him and for me before we take our relationship any further. But the idea of losing you, when we’ve only just begun this relationship…” He shook his head again.
I tucked my knees under my chin as I forced my thoughts to Kadyn. “I won’t lie, Rafael. I love Kadyn too. I was in love with him before Michael took me to Paris. Then I fell in love with Michael. When I came back, Kadyn insisted we could only be friends. So I wouldn’t allow myself to think of him as anything more. Now I feel conflicted and a little bit confused. I love him, but I don’t know to what extent.” I snorted softly as I shook my head. “That probably doesn’t even make sense.”