Circumstantial Memories

by Carol Ericson

  “She’s a daredevil.” Julia laughed and shook her head. Shelby loved to play rough, but most of the surrogate fathers she had in Silverhill favored bad backs, walked with canes or tired out after fifteen minutes of Shelby time.

  After a few wobbly steps, Shelby scampered away to add to her rock collection.

  “That little girl has a lot of energy.” Ryder shoved his hands in the pockets of his faded jeans. “Are you sure about dinner tonight? I know Dad and Pam have heard all about our connection by now and would love to have you and Shelby over.”

  Julia thought about sitting around the dinner table with the McClintocks—Ryder’s father, stepmother, his older brother, Rod, and various ranch hands—and shuddered. She craved peace and quiet after all the bombshells today and a night with the boisterous McClintocks promised anything but.

  “I’ll pass on dinner, but can you do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  She blinked her eyes at the promptness of his response. He really did want to help her. “I have an appointment with my psychologist, Dr. Brody, tomorrow afternoon. Can you come with me? I think it would really help.”

  “I’ll be there. What do you do with Shelby?”

  “Millie Stoker takes her. I work with Millie’s daughter, Maddy, in their antique shop most days while Millie watches Shelby.” Julia knotted her hands. “I don’t want to pull you away from your family.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be here for a while before my next assignment. I’ll have plenty of time to catch up with the family. What time should I pick you up?”

  The foliage across the road rustled and spewed out Gracie Malone and her son, Charlie. Gracie waved and made a beeline for Julia’s house, Charlie in tow. “We’ve all heard the exciting news. Imagine, all this time the McClintocks’ son knew you and you didn’t even realize it. Hello, Ryder.”

  Ryder tipped his hat. “Gracie, Charlie. How’s the B and B going?”

  Gracie’s rabbit-like nose twitched as her eyes darted between Julia and Ryder. “It’s good. We’re full up right now, but I sure wish I could find some better help. Charlie just hired a young woman, but she’s a little flighty…and a little trashy. The young people who come up here to work in the summer and ski in the winter aren’t very reliable, are they, Charlie?”

  Charlie’s mouth hung slightly ajar as he stared at Julia, and her flesh crawled where his gaze slid down her body. She could totally see him pawing through her underwear.

  “Are they, Charlie?” Gracie elbowed him, and he snapped his mouth shut and shook his head. She scowled at him and then pasted a smile on her face as she turned to Ryder. “So how do you know our Julia? Have you filled her in on all the details of her past yet?”

  “We’re…ah…acquaintances.” Ryder lifted one broad shoulder. “And we’re taking it slow. Julia needs time to get her bearings and absorb everything I’m throwing at her.”

  Yeah, like about a million years to absorb that she had a crooked spy for an ex-husband…and she may have witnessed his murder.

  RYDER PULLED his truck in front of Julia’s neat little clapboard house with the white picket fence. He never thought he’d see the day when Julia Rousseau would be living behind a white picket fence…or wearing her hair in a ponytail.

  Julia waved as she jogged down her front steps, hitching a large handbag over her shoulder. Ryder scrambled out of the truck to get the door for her and when she smiled her thanks, his heart flip-flopped in his chest.

  His attraction to Julia hadn’t been all about appearance. The sexy, sophisticated siren with the couture clothing and perfect hair and makeup hooked him from the moment he saw her, but he loved the substance beneath the glossy exterior. Jeremy never got beyond that. When Jeremy discovered his wife had a strong will and a mind of her own, the marriage crumbled. Although he didn’t plan it, Ryder saw Julia through the fallout.

  “How’s Shelby this morning?” He glanced at Julia before cranking on the engine. “Was she upset about the break-in yesterday?”

  “No. She just thought her silly mommy threw her underwear all over the bed.” Julia snapped her seat belt in place.

  “And how’s the silly mommy?” His gaze slid sideways to her face, still tense despite the smile.

  “I’m fine.” She flipped the ponytail over her shoulder. “I bought some new underwear, a new bedspread and a pair of scissors. Then I had Gary the locksmith come out and reinforce all my locks.”

  “That’s the exterior. What about the interior?” He tapped his chest with his fist.

  “Of course I’m still jittery, but it’s amazing what a new set of locks can do for your peace of mind.” She clasped her hands between her knees. “Besides, all the stuff you told me yesterday occupied my mind more than a few sliced-up bras.”

  “Did you remember anything else?” He held his breath. Should he tell her about their relationship before she remembered it on her own or should he wait? She’d seemed almost relieved when she discovered Shelby’s father was dead and out of the picture. Why would she want to share her daughter with a stranger?

  “Nope. I’ve been trying to put a face and a body to that tattooed arm, but haven’t had any luck.” She spun around. “Do you have any pictures of Jeremy or can we get any from Black Cobra?”

  “I don’t have any pictures, but I may be able to get one from the agency. Do you think it will help you to remember what happened in Arizona?” He brushed his fingers down her arm. “Are you sure you want to remember?”

  She shivered. “Not sure at all, but it’s like bitter medicine. It’ll be good for me in the end. With you giving me information and working with Dr. Brody, I think I have a shot at recovering my memories—good and bad.”

  “Who’s this Dr. Brody? Was he the first doctor you saw?”

  If so, Julia put a lot of faith in a doctor who hadn’t helped her much in the past three years.

  “No. Six months after the accident, I went to a hypnotist in Denver first and then a psychiatrist there. I stayed with them for six months, and they referred me to Dr. Brody in Durango, closer to home.” She rubbed her palms against the thighs of her jeans. “I—it’s not just to recover my memory that I see Dr. Brody.”

  Ryder drilled the road in front of him, gripping the steering wheel. It wasn’t his place to pry. His job was to provide her with details of her past life, not ferret out the details of her new life.

  She blew out a long breath. “I suffer from panic attacks.”

  Loosening his hold on the steering wheel, Ryder asked, “That’s understandable after what you’ve been through. Do you take medication?”

  She shook her head, the glossy ponytail skimming her shoulders. “No, I don’t want to take drugs. I’d rather handle my problem through therapy and it’s working. The panic attacks are decreasing. In fact, I thought about ending my sessions with Dr. Brody…until you showed up.”

  “Yeah, I’ve sent a few women into therapy.”

  Julia snorted. “I just bet you have.”

  Ryder laughed and turned up the radio for the rest of their drive into Durango. Julia bounced in her seat, singing in her off-key voice to the country music blaring from the speakers.

  Some things hadn’t changed at all…except maybe her choice in music.

  Julia directed him to a three-story office building housing dentists and doctors, and he pulled into the underground parking structure.

  Holding his breath against the exhaust fumes, Ryder followed Julia into the elevator, asked her which floor and punched the button for the third floor. “Did you tell Dr. Brody about me?”

  “I called him this morning. He’s anxious to meet you. He said with my approval, you could join our session.”

  “I’m not sure how much help I’ll be during your session, but I’ll give it a try. Will Dr. Brody call on me to fill in the gaps and then question you about what you remember? Not sure how this will work.”

  “Didn’t I tell you?” Julia grasped the door handle of Dr. Brody’s off
ice and then shoved the door open with her hip. “Dr. Brody’s a hypnotist as well as a psychologist.”

  Ryder swallowed the lump in his throat as he entered the small office populated by Colorado landscapes. She had told him, but he thought it didn’t work on her. Could this doctor coax the truth of Shelby’s paternity out of Julia? Ryder wasn’t ready for that yet. He wanted to get to know his daughter better, show Julia he could be a father.

  Julia jabbed at a button on the wall outside another door and plopped down on a sofa in the empty office. She grabbed a magazine from the side table and thumbed through it, barely scanning the pictures of smiling celebrities.

  Ryder perched on the edge of a chair across from her. Julia didn’t even realize she had a nodding acquaintance with a few of those celebrities. What a strange, lonely existence she must’ve led these past three years.

  His stomach rolled. He should’ve been there for her. He should’ve realized she was in trouble when she didn’t answer his letters and disappeared after Jeremy’s murder. But damn it, his job didn’t allow him to pursue personal reconnaissance missions. After Jeremy sold some of Black Cobra’s secrets, all the agents had to work overtime to repair the damage.

  The door to the doctor’s inner sanctum swung open and a tall, dark-haired man dressed in black slacks and a white shirt leaned into the waiting room.

  “Julia? Are you ready?”

  “Jim.” Julia tossed the magazine aside and jumped to her feet. “I’m Julia Rousseau.”

  In two steps, Dr. Brody landed in front of Julia and scooped her into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

  Ryder uncurled the fists clenched at his sides. Therapists had to be touchy feely to do their jobs. Even if they didn’t care personally about their patients, they had to pretend to care.

  Julia emerged from the embrace, wiping a tear from her cheek. “This is Ryder McClintock, the man I told you about. The man from my past.”

  Dr. Brody’s gaze shifted to Ryder and he stuck out his hand. “Mr. McClintock, Julia told me everything on the phone this morning. I hope you can help her.”

  “Everything?” Ryder’s pulse thumped in his throat as he glanced at Julia.

  She shook her head slightly, indicating she’d withheld some of the vitals from Dr. Brody about Black Cobra.

  “That’s the nature of the therapeutic doctor-patient relationship, Mr. McClintock. The patient reveals everything to her doctor, and the doctor keeps those revelations in the strictest confidence.”

  The man’s condescending tone and the little smirk that went with it made Ryder want to land a punch against the guy’s jaw. Instead he ran a hand through his hair. This isn’t about you, McClintock. This is about Julia.

  “Ryder. You can call me Ryder.”

  “And you can call me Jim. Let’s go inside my office.”

  Jim ushered Julia through first and she crossed the little hallway to a dimly lit office. She sank into an overstuffed chair, curling her legs beneath her, completely at home and at ease.

  Ryder flexed his fingers as he took a chair in the corner. He had to tame the jealousy that surged through his veins at the intimate relationship Julia had with Dr. Brody…Jim. He’d never been to the agency shrink himself, but a few of the other agents told him about the intense connection they had with their therapists and how that connection helped with the therapeutic process.

  Brody claimed the chair across from Julia, his knees almost touching hers. “I haven’t used hypnosis with Julia in quite a while, but I think this is an excellent opportunity with you here, Ryder. Julia, do you agree to the hypnosis?”

  “Yes.” She rested her head against the cushion of the chair and closed her eyes.

  Brody’s soothing voice filled the space in the darkened room. “Relax your muscles, Julia. There is no tension in your body. No bones. No flesh. You are weightless.”

  Julia’s chest rose and fell as her breathing deepened. Ryder couldn’t be hypnotized. He had very little susceptibility, and then Black Cobra trained the rest out of him.

  “You can no longer feel the chair beneath you, Julia. You are suspended in space. You are suspended in time. There is no continuum of time. There is only your mind and the memories buried there.”

  Ryder asked in a low voice, “Will she remember what she tells us under hypnosis?”

  Jim nodded to Ryder and then consulted the notebook in his lap. “You’re in Paris, Julia. Do you remember Paris?”

  Julia murmured, “Oui, je rappelle.”

  “In English, Julia.”

  “I remember Paris.” Julia’s head fell to the side as a smile curved her lips.

  “Where did you live?”

  Julia described her flat in Rue St. Germains precisely how Ryder remembered it, down to the fresh flowers she kept in the blue vase on her kitchen table.

  “Do you remember your husband, Jeremy Scott?”

  “Yes, I remember Jeremy, but I can’t see his face.”

  As Jim took Julia through the night she met Jeremy and their brief courtship, Ryder winced at the half smile on Julia’s face. Jeremy had charmed the socks off her, along with a few other articles of clothing, while she still ached over the death of her father.

  “Did you go to Arizona to see Jeremy after your divorce?”

  Frowning, Julia bit her lip. “He was in Tucson. He needed something from the Paris flat—a computer disc.”

  Ryder’s heart thudded in his chest. Had Jeremy dragged Julia into his subterfuge against Black Cobra?

  Jim shot a glance at Ryder. Ryder didn’t know how much Julia told him about her ex-husband’s work, but like the doc said, he couldn’t repeat anything outside of these four walls.

  “What was on the disc, Julia?”

  “I don’t know, but it was bad.” Her straight teeth sawed at her bottom lip. “I know it was bad, dangerous.”

  “Did you bring the CD to Jeremy?”

  “I had to.” No longer relaxed, Julia dug her fingernails into the arms of the chair. “He threatened…he said he’d expose Ryder if I didn’t go to Tucson.”

  Ryder’s head shot up. Jeremy must’ve known about their relationship to use that threat against Julia. Not that there was any relationship before the divorce. Ryder didn’t make a habit of pursuing married women, but Julia’s marriage to Jeremy disintegrated before it ever got going. Still, Jeremy wasn’t the kind of man to share his toys even when he tired of them, and Jeremy definitely treated Julia like a plaything.

  “Expose Ryder?” Brody tapped his pencil against his notebook in a staccato beat.

  “Expose him to the enemy. Blow his cover.”

  Folding his arms, Ryder bunched his hands against his body to keep from reaching out to Julia. Damn. He should’ve been there to protect her against Jeremy and his wild demands.

  “So you went to Tucson and brought the CD to Jeremy.” Brody’s words had a sharp edge, losing their soothing quality.

  “Yes.” Julia squeezed her eyes tighter, pressing the heels of her hands to her temples. “I gave him the computer disc so he wouldn’t hurt Ryder.”

  Brody sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his mouth. “Slow down, Julia. It’s all right. Ryder is safe. What happened in Tucson? What happened after you gave Jeremy the CD?”

  Straightening her back, Julia unfurled her long legs and planted them on the floor. “I gave him a CD, and then he hit me. I tried to give him a different CD, a phony, but he knew.”

  The blood thundering in his ears, Ryder jumped up from his chair, knocking it to the floor. That SOB. Jeremy lucked out being dead.

  Brody held his hand out, palm forward to stop Ryder. “Go on, Julia. What happened after Jeremy hit you?”

  “A fight. An explosion.” Julia drew her knees to her chest and rocked back and forth. “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I don’t want to remember.”

  As her words ended on a wail, Ryder charged across the room and dropped to his knees in front of her chair. “Bring her out, doc,” he shouted.

/>   “Julia, you’re here in my office. You’re not in Tucson. You’re safe. It’s safe to come back.”

  She stopped rocking and collapsed back in her chair, sobbing.

  Whispering nonsense in her ear, Ryder gathered Julia in his arms and stroked her back. Her head fell to his shoulder as she clung to him.

  She remembered. She remembered why she went to Tucson, and she remembered she’d done it to save his life. How much more would it take for her to remember their love and to figure out Shelby belonged to him?

  JULIA SPLASHED cold water on her face and then gripped the edge of the vanity with wet hands as she peered into the mirror. She looked the same. Somehow she always figured when her memory returned she’d look different, she’d more closely resemble that woman who had a life and a past before Silverhill, before Shelby.

  She slid the elastic band from her ponytail and shook her hair loose. Wide brown eyes stared back. Sweet, helpless, vulnerable Julia. The good people of Silverhill had treated her that way for so long, she’d become that person.

  But now she knew different.

  Would a sweet woman end her marriage at the first sign of infidelity?

  Would a helpless woman travel halfway across the world to save her…friend?

  Would a vulnerable woman escape from a murder scene and an explosion while seven months pregnant?

  Why did she sleep with her ex-husband after their separation anyway? It must’ve been good-bye sex, and obviously Jeremy didn’t know about the pregnancy until he saw her. As the memories flooded her brain during the hypnosis, she recalled that her pregnancy angered Jeremy. He hit her because of the pregnancy.

  Her gut clenched and she folded her arms across her stomach. Her ex-husband was a snake, just like the one tattooed on his arm. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t remember his face. She could recall the anger emanating from him, but his face remained a blur.

  And Ryder? Jim didn’t take her down that path of memories, and despite her best efforts, she couldn’t scale the wall that still existed when she thought of Ryder. She’d sensed great relief when she remembered taking the computer disc to Jeremy and knowing it would keep Ryder safe. Had they been more than good friends? The way her pulse raced in his presence indicated they’d shared something together.