A Complicated Love (Complicated Love #1)

by D. M Midgley

  After the meeting, I’m the first one out of the room. I race to the office and shut the door while trying to regulate my heartbeat. How can he do this to me? I shake my head to clear away those thoughts and take a seat at the desk to start typing up my notes. The day drags on and I’m so glad when home time arrives. I haven’t seen Wendy for most of the day, but as I’m walking to the lift I spot her in the hallway. She sees me and heads on over.

  “Are you off now, Annabelle?”

  “Yea, I’ve finished all my work so no overtime for me tonight. It was nice working with you Wendy, and thank you for teaching me this job. I don’t know if I could have done it without you.” I give her a watery smile.

  “That’s quite all right. I’m staying back a bit, just to pack my things. Take care, dear.” She gives me a hug and walks back to the office we have shared since I started here. I’m really going to miss her. I get into the lift and I hear my mobile ringing, so I pull it out.

  “Hi Aunt Sylvia, how are you?”

  “Oh, I’m fine darling, keeping busy. Look, I’m off work now until the New Year, so how about you come and stay with me for the holidays? It would be great to see you, and I will make your favourite chocolate chip cookies?”

  I laugh. “Sounds great. Tracy is going away for the holidays so it’ll be nice to spend some time with you.”

  She squeals in my ear. “Okay, I’ll see you soon. Bye bye.” She hangs up.

  I walk out of Lynn Publishing and spot Joshua getting into his company car. We seem to have a magnetic pull because he turns and looks straight at me for a fleeting moment before he gets in his car and drives away. I sigh and head back home. It might be good to get away for a bit and clear my head. Maybe by the time I get back, I won’t be thinking about Joshua every second of every day? Yea, not likely!

  Two weeks later

  I loved spending the holidays with Aunt Sylvia. She lives in Harrow on the outskirts of London, so when I go to see her I always travel on the London Underground. As soon as I arrived, there was homemade chocolate chips cookies on the kitchen table. My mouth was salivating by the time I grabbed a glass of milk and a cookie. When I was little, Aunt Sylvia would always make chocolate chip cookies, and she always used to tell me that they went great with a tall glass of milk. Yep, she was right.

  Aunt Sylvia waited until I was there to hang the Christmas decorations, so we spent almost a whole day just decorating. She always likes getting a real tree, they look so fantastic. The place looked really Christmassy and I was feeling so much better about the ‘situation’ with Joshua.

  Aunt Sylvia cooked a beautiful Christmas dinner. We had roast beef, roast potatoes and mashed potatoes, stuffing, Brussel sprouts, carrots, parsnips and cabbage. I was stuffed. For desert, she made an apple pie with her homemade custard. She offered me Christmas pudding and cream too, but I had to decline. I was going to pop. I felt I’d eaten enough for an entire year in just one sitting! We spent the rest of Christmas day, chilling out and watching classic films on television. Everything from ‘Home Alone’ to ‘The Snowman.’

  Saying goodbye was the hardest. I don’t get to see Aunt Sylvia very much, but she sent me away with a big bag of chocolate chip cookies. Yes, I know, I’m going to have two bellies at this rate, but they’re so delicious.

  On the way back from Aunt Sylvia’s, I got a call from Tracy telling me she’s on assignment for her work, and she’s gone to Los Angeles for a month. Something to do with fashion, I know that much. She’s a fashion designer and sometimes travels all over for shows, so I’m assuming that’s what she’s doing.

  It’s Monday morning and I’m on my way back into work after the holidays. I wanted to forget about Joshua, but he’s always there at the back of my mind. He’s got under my skin and I can’t stop this obsession with him. I’m in my office and going through all the filing that was left to do before the holidays. There’s a lot of it, so I better get cracking. I’ve realised that I’ve forgotten to make Mr. Lynn in his coffee, so I head down to the coffee room. I make his coffee, strong, black with two sugars and proceed to his office. For some reason, I forget to knock. I don’t know why, but I just don’t think about it. I put my hand on the doorknob and turn the handle. I walk in and stop dead in my tracks. I see Tammy sitting on Joshua’s desk. She’s wearing a too tight white mini skirt yet again and a light pink blouse that has buttons which she’s had trouble doing up, seeing as how her buttons are done up to just below the bottom of her bra. Her boobs are literally spilling out of her top. Standing in between her legs is Joshua. She’s stroking his chest through his shirt and smiling up at him with flirtatious eyes.

  My heart starts beating really fast and I feel this pain in my chest. I can’t breathe. He’s giving her a genuine smile that makes me so jealous. I want him to look at me like that. I clear my throat and both pairs of eyes snap to me.

  “Um… Here’s your coffee, Mr. Lynn.” I walk toward the desk and hand it to him. He looks annoyed.

  “Why didn’t you knock? You don’t just walk in unannounced.” He glares at me. My face flushes scarlet.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.” I look over at Tammy and she’s giving me the stink eye. She hops off the desk and kisses Joshua’s cheek before addressing me.

  “Oh, hi Annabelle, congrats on the job. I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully. Getting people coffee seems just your thing.” She laughs and saunters toward the door. “Bye Joshua baby. See you later.” She blows him a kiss over her shoulder as she walks out the door.

  There’s an awkward silence between Joshua and I. We are just staring at one another.

  “Um… I… I better get back to work.” I turn around and quickly walk back to my office.

  What’s he doing with Tammy and why will she be seeing him later?

  I hate this feeling. Am I jealous, angry, upset? I just can’t decide. He really means it when he said we were a mistake. Maybe Tammy was right and he is still in love with her. I’ve been a fool crushing on my boss, hoping that he will say ‘screw it’ and touch me again. Make me feel alive with one touch. His kisses and his caresses flash through my mind. I want him. I can’t deny it, but he’s taken.

  I have to stop this! I have to stop thinking about him.

  I stand up straight, with my head held high. I compose myself and continue the job I was doing before I made Joshua his coffee… I finish my filing.

  One month later

  My life is depressing at the moment. My job is going okay… well sort of. Joshua makes me so angry most of the time. He’s blowing hot and cold with me, and I’m not sure where I stand. Tammy is constantly at the office sauntering around, thinking she owns the place. Bitch! I hate seeing the PDA sessions, and there’s certainly a lot of them. Most are of Tammy kissing his cheek or groping him mainly. Joshua doesn’t seem too into it though. I think Tammy is doing it in front of me on purpose, because I’ve spotted her numerous times smirking at me when Joshua isn’t looking.

  It sucks!

  I’m camped out on the sofa, buried under a pile of covers, watching rubbish television. Tracy is due back today from her business trip and I’ve missed her a lot. I hear the door open and in she walks.

  “Hey babe… I’m back!” She plops down in the armchair.

  “I can see that. How was the trip?” I look over and she’s literally about to burst with excitement.

  “It was amazing! Some of the designs I saw were fabulous. I want to be just as good as the guys over there. They loved my designs for the collection, but they did say I have to perfect them a little more.” She sits there pouting. “So, what’s been happening with you?”

  I start playing with my fingers. “Um… it’s all good. The job’s good, and it’s great I’m now earning my own money. I’ve been really tired lately with all the work I’ve been doing though.” Tracy jumps up and walks toward the kitchen.

  “That’s great. I need something to eat, I’m starving.” I join her in the kitchen while she makes a sausage and bacon sandw
ich. “I have to tell you something important later, but when I do you have to promise not to… ” I don’t hear the rest of what Tracy’s saying as I’m suddenly feeling dizzy. I put my palm on the kitchen counter to steady myself. I feel really sick and the smell of bacon is really getting to me. I rush to my bathroom, lift the toilet seat and empty the contents of my stomach. I retch and retch until there’s nothing left in my stomach.

  “Wow Annabelle… you don’t look so good.” Tracy is leaning against the doorframe with concern written all over her face.

  “Maybe I’m coming down with something. I’ve been feeling tired and down, the last few weeks.” I wash my hands in the sink. Tracy laughs as she walks to the living room.

  “I hope it’s nothing too serious… anyone would think you were pregnant!” I hear her still laughing, then she shouts, “But you have to have sex for that to happen!”

  I look in the mirror. My skin is so pale and I have big black bags under my eyes. I’m still feeling queasy, so I put the toilet lid down and sit on it.

  Pregnant? I can’t be… can I?

  I’m on the pill, so there’s no way I could be pregnant. He didn’t use anything… he didn’t. Oh my God, he didn’t use a condom. I cover my face with my hands. The pill isn’t one hundred percent effective… pregnant? I have to find out for sure. I can’t be! I hurry out of the bathroom, grab my bag and purse and head for the door.

  “I’m off out, see you later.” Before Tracy can reply, I hurry out and head to the nearest pharmacy.

  I’m sitting in my bathroom, holding in my hand a thin flat stick which minutes ago I was peeing on. I went all out and bought a digital test. I can’t deal with the stress of trying to determine what one line or two lines mean, so I opted for one that spells it out for you.

  Pregnant or Not Pregnant… as simple as that.

  I have to wait three minutes for the results and I’ve waited two already.

  My nerves are cut to shreds and I’m finding it hard to breath. I keep repeating in my head, breathe in… breathe out, over and over again.

  The next minute is the most important minute of my life.

  I could be pregnant.

  A baby.

  An actual baby.

  Mine and Joshua’s baby. Oh God, Joshua. What would I tell him? Would he want to be involved? All these thoughts are running through my head.

  Three minutes are up. I slowly turn the stick over with trembling hands and look at the result.

  I’m pregnant!

  I never thought my life would go quite like this. What do I do? I found out a few days ago and I haven’t told anyone yet. Tonight I’m going to tell Tracy because I need someone to talk to. I’m making myself a cup of tea when Tracy comes dancing into the kitchen. She has a massive smile on her face.

  “Listen, you know I said the other day I had something important to tell you?” I slowly nod my head as I sip my cup of tea.

  “Well… I’ve just been offered a job at the design company I went to for that fashion show. I’m moving to Los Angeles permanently,” she squeals. She’s jumping up and down on the balls of her feet. She looks so happy right now.

  How can I tell her I’m pregnant?

  I plaster on a smile and give her a hug.

  “I’m so proud of you.” She glances up at me and notices my tearful eyes.

  “Don’t worry, Annabelle, I can keep paying my half of the rent until you can find a roommate if you like? I don’t want to leave you in the lurch.” I swallow the rest of my tea and rinse my mug out. “You’re not mad are you?”

  I take a deep breath before turning around. “I’m not mad at you, Tracy. I’m so proud of you, and I know you will do really well.” I twitch my lips and make my way to my bedroom. Tracy pops her head out of the kitchen.

  “I’m not leaving for another few months, so you’re stuck with me until then.”

  I quietly shut my door and go to the bathroom. I strip out of my clothes and climb into the shower. The steamy, hot water feels beautiful on my skin and I don’t want to get out. I think about what I’m going to say to Joshua.

  How do I tell him that I’m pregnant with his baby?

  I get out of the shower, dry my body, put on my nightie and climb into my nice comfy bed. I’m trying to be happy for Tracy, but a part of me is feeling abandoned. I’m scared of being alone and of bringing this baby up alone. I can’t stop the sob that escapes me as I quietly cry myself to sleep.

  There’s seems to be so much filing that needs doing today. It’s a fairly easy day as there are no meetings or appointments. I sit and type up some documents while sipping on a glass of water. It’s the only thing I can keep down at the moment. I’ve been to the toilet about five times today, being sick. I think Joshua is getting curious as to what’s going on with me. Tammy hasn’t been by all day, thank God! I really can’t deal with her at all today. The intercom buzzes.

  “Miss Connor, can I see you in my office, please?” Before I can reply, he’s hung up. I walk to his office and knock on the door.

  His husky voice calls through the door, “Come in.”

  I turn the doorknob and walk into Joshua’s office. He’s sitting at his desk, writing.

  “Please Miss Connor, take a seat.”

  I walk over and sit down in the chair, facing him. He looks a bit uneasy and I’m getting really nervous.

  He knows.

  I know he knows.

  I bite my bottom lip and shift nervously in my seat.

  “I’ve noticed that you have been quite sick today. Are you coming down with something?” I shake my head slowly and he looks really uncomfortable.

  “Is there a reason why you're sick?”

  I nod my head while still chewing on my lip. He gets up and starts pacing backward and forward.

  “Is this anything to do with me and you, and that night?” I slowly nod my head again.

  He knows… he knows.

  I hold my breath while I wait for his reaction. He fists his hair and starts shaking his head.

  I hear him muttering, “She can’t be… she can’t.” He stops pacing and looks me straight in the eye.

  “Are you pregnant?” I see the pain in his eyes.

  “Yes,” I whisper. His intense gaze is fixed on me. We both don’t move and it’s silent for a while. I don’t want to say anything because I know he’s trying to get his head around it.

  Out of the blue, he shouts, “How could you let this happen?”

  I reel back in shock. His eyes are like fire and his breathing has gotten harsh. I can’t let him get away with this, so I stand with my fists clenched.

  “Excuse me? My fault? How is this my fault? If I remember correctly, there was two of us there. How dare you! I know it’s a shock and it is for me too, but blaming me is not the answer!”

  He takes a step toward me. His jaw is twitching as he just stares at me.

  “Look, I’m having this baby, and if you don’t want to be involved then that’s fine. I’m not looking for anything from you. I will be fine on my own.” I turn on my heel and walk toward the door.

  “Annabelle?” I stop dead. I’m shocked he’s called me by my name. I stand facing the door as I’m too scared to look at him. “This is all a lot to take in… just give me time, please?”

  I nod my head and return to my office.

  I don’t hear from Joshua for the rest of the week. I’m so angry at the way he spoke to me.

  How could he imply that it was my fault?

  It takes two to make a baby. I’m sitting in my living room with my feet up on the coffee table watching a God awful film that I don’t even know the name of. I have my spoon buried in a tube of ‘Ben and Jerry’s.’ Ice cream always makes stressful situations that much easier to deal with. Tracy comes bouncing into the living room.

  “Hey, can I borrow that purple dress you have that you never wear? Pleassse?” She puts her palms together as if she’s praying.

  “Sure… it’s… in my wardrobe,” I say wh
ile shoveling ice cream into my mouth. “Where are you going anyway?” I see she has makeup plastered on her face.

  “I have this work function tonight.” She bounces down the hall to my room where I can hear her rustling through my wardrobe. I haven’t told her about the baby yet. I don’t know how. She’s been so busy lately, and she leaves for Los Angeles in one week’s time.

  “Right, I’m out of here. Have a nice night.” She rushes to the front door and as she opens it, Joshua is standing there with his hand raised as if ready to knock.

  “Um… hi. Is Annabelle in?” Tracy looks over her shoulder at me.

  “Yep, she is, come in. Annabelle it’s for you,” she sings songs and winks at me before walking out the door.

  Oh God, Joshua’s here?

  I rush to the kitchen and dump the tub of ‘Ben and Jerry’s’ in the sink. I look down at myself and cringe. I’m wearing black, baggy lounge trousers and a white tank top with no bra. I haven’t even brushed my hair. I look terrible. Well, there’s not much I can do about it now, so I casually walk back into the living room to see Joshua seated on the sofa with his elbows on his knees, staring straight ahead. He looks like he hasn’t slept and he looks deep in thought. He’s wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue T-shirt with some sort of design on the front I can’t make out. Taking a deep breath, I go over and sit in the armchair across from him. I don’t say anything as I’m not sure what to say.

  Maybe he’s here to tell me he doesn’t want the baby?

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch with you sooner. I just needed a bit of time. I apologize for being so harsh when I found out. It was uncalled for, and I shouldn’t have been so rude.” He looks over at me and I’m happy to see his eyes are not as cold as they once were toward me.