I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  Copyright © 2008 by Amy Sedaris

  All rights reserved.

  Warner Books

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue

  New York, NY 10017

  Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.

  First eBook Edition: October 2008

  Warner Books and the “W” logo are trademarks of Time

  ISBN: 978-0-446-54511-2

  Contents

  The Art of Hospitality

  Hospitality in Action

  T.G.I.F

  Blind Date

  Rich Uncle Comes to Visit

  The Unexpected Guest

  The Out-of-Town Guest

  Breakfast for Sleepy Hollow Heads

  Lumberjack Lunch

  Out to Brunch

  Cooking Under the Influence

  Children

  Opening Night

  Grieving

  Ladies’ Night

  Entertaining the Elderly

  When You Get to Play Nurse

  Long-Term Care

  Gypsy

  Price Chompers

  Clubs

  And Rabbits

  Gift Giving

  Cooking for One

  Fifteen-Minute Meals in Twenty Minutes

  Jackpot Recipes

  Fowl

  The Cavity Hole

  Misc

  Be Prepared

  Acknowledgments

  This Sturdy Book Belonged To:

  Dedicated to . . .

  Mom, Dad, Lisa, David, Gretchen, Tiff any,

  Paul, Aunt Joyce, Madelyn Rose, Paul Dinello,

  and Mr. Mushroom

  Dear [your name here],

  Whether you live in a basement with the income of a ten-year-old girl or on a saffron farm in the south of Spain, the spirit of hospitality is the same. It’s the giving of yourself, a present of you to then from me for us.

  “Hello, and I like you.” This is what you’re saying when you invite somebody into your home, without having to hear yourself say it out loud. This colorfully illustrated book (see pictures) is my attempt to share with you something I take very seriously: entertaining in my home, my style. It may not be the proper way, or the most traditional, or even legal, but it works for me. I can’t write good, but I can cook even better and I am willing to share with you my sackful of personal jackpot receipes that, because of their proven success, I continue to make, over and over again. I will also show you ways to plan, present, and participate in self-award-winning parties.

  Even though the word “entertainment” is commonly used today, to me it sounds charmingly old-fashioned, like courtship or back-alley abortion. I like the traditional idea of entertaining, which for me means lively guests, good food, cocktails, and bubbly conversation. I’d like to bring entertaining back to these essentials. I’m not concerned with proper table settings, seating arrangements, or formal etiquette. Who can have a good time with all those rules? How can you enjoy yourself if you’re worried whether you’re using the right fork, or wondering whether the pumpkin is the bowl or part of the meal? I’m not trying to discourage you from being creative or encouraging you to neglect the details, but know that the nuts of any good party are the simple basics provided in a warm environment.

  I tend to live my life like a deaf person. I communicate with my actions: the way I dress, the way my home is decorated, and the gifts I give all speak for me. I take this to heart when I entertain. My food, my party decorations, the games I create, and the music I play are all personal expressions. This is what will make your party special, sharing a piece of you, a feeling. It’s not a competition. You don’t have to be the perfect host, just the prettiest.

  This is not a joke cookbook. I don’t like joke cookbooks because I can’t take them seriously. This book is full of real information. Most of the little I know, I learned from my mom, as well as Girl Scouts and Junior Achievement, my second – grade teacher, my family, Aunt Joyce, the backs of boxes, the lady who works at the post office, encyclopedias, the beach, bartending school, grocery stores, airports, waiting on tables. Mrs. Enchandi, nurses, sitcoms, Hugh, listening to the radio, babysitting, rock concerts, summer school, and the House Rabbit Society. I was also fascinated by two local hospitality shows: At home with Peggy Mann and The Betty Elliot show. I wanted to be both those women and now here’s my chance, and hopefully, with the help of my book, it will be your chance as well.

  Cordially,

  Amy Sedaris

  Dear [your name here],

  It occurred to me that I neglected to acknowledge in my first letter that not everyone is interested in hospitality. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables. Luckily, this sturdy book will also inform you on how to be the perfect guest. From the minute you say “Yes I’ll be there,” until the moment you say “I’m sorry, I should go,” you have an important role in making a party a hit. Remember, one cannot throw a successful party without successful guests.

  Cordiallier,

  Amy Sedaris

  Dear [your name here],

  I hate to be a pest, but I was concerned that perhaps in my first two letters I failed to completely convey my passion for entertaining. I go bananas for entertaining! Sometimes though, I feel entertaining is a dying art. My goal is to encourage you, [your name here], to entertain in your home, your style. Having a party is one of the most creative and generous activities that every person can enjoy and indulge in, if you’re on the list. Remember, by inviting someone into your home, you’re saying “I like you”.

  Cordialliest,

  Amy Sedaris

  The Art of Hospitality

  What a Party Means to Me

  For most people the word “party” conjures up an image that is so intimidating, so overwhelming, so terrifying that they just want to skip the whole thing—it’s just too much pressure. A party doesn’t necessarily have to be a big extravagant to-do. A party can be as simple as a few people getting together for conversation and snacks. As my guests leave even my most simplest parties, I consistently hear the same thing: “That was the best time I ever had,” and it’s always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably. I don’t even like to use the word “party” because often the word gives people grand expectations. So when you see the word “party” in this book, don’t think of pony kegs and loud Southern rock or cigarillos and business-women. Don’t think of pools and diving for loose change. Don’t think about cockfights—even though it’s hard not to. Don’t think tiki lights and fruity cocktails served in coconut shells on the patio, or a large group of drunken seamen clustered together shouting over each other. Think simplicity. Because if there is one thing I am, it’s clinically simple.

  Who Am I? Do I Ring a Bell?

  When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Well, that’s not what most people are saying about you. Before you can give of yourself to others you must know what of yourself you have to give. Every person is special. In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen. It’s a good idea to know your strengths and weaknesses. Are you funny? Are you a good conversationalist? Are you attractive? Are you? Are you a good organizer? Do you have a lot of plates? These are some of the things you should know about yourself before taking on the responsibility of entertaining in your home. Once they’ve been assessed, it’s important to magnify your strengths and ignore your weaknesses. If you have thick ankles, wear pants. If you’re boring, pick exciting music to play. If you are a lousy cook, order out. Never overreach to mask your weakness. There is nothing cute or adorable about noticeably reaching beyond your capabilities. Remember, the goal is to entertain, not overtain.

&
nbsp; A Self-Realized Person Will . . .

  • Be unique in a way that is pleasing to everybody.

  • Accentuate the positives—medicate the negatives. Have a hairstyle that is flattering to some and offensive to few.

  • Have access to money.

  • Never cry herself to sleep in front of others.

  Learn More About Yourself!

  • Make a self-esteem collage using pictures of other people you wish you were.

  • Wing it! Quit your job without any financial plan or backup savings.

  • Sleep with someone Chinese.

  • Spend a lot of time in the bathtub.

  • Disguise your voice and call family members posing as a police officer. Suggest that there has been a homicide and then question them about yourself.

  • Spend some time at the zoo. Record how the animals react to your presence.

  • Write yourself a fan letter.

  • Put something small in your anus during lovemaking.

  • Fly Air India.

  Planning the Party

  Now that we’ve done some self-discovery (see “Who Am I? Do I Ring a Bell?”), it’s time to plan a party and party planning is half the fun of giving a party. The actual party is another half of the fun, and the third half is wiping up and reflecting on the terrific success of your party. But before you start reminiscing about the great party you haven’t yet had, let’s focus on the great party you’re going to have.

  This is your party. You are the captain of the ship, the cobbler of the shoes, the Count of Monte Cristo. Even if you have slaves, you still need to tell them what to do. The first step in creating a plan is to know what kind of party you will be having. This is often determined by various factors: What time of year is it? What time of day? Is my dealer in town? Do I have a backup dealer? You also need to consider how much you have to spend. How much space do you have? How much time do you have to prepare? If it’s mid-August do you really want the oven on all day? Can you really fit two large ham salads in your refrigerator? A party is also determined by who can come and whether or not you can wrangle someone into doing most of your legwork. Sometimes parties are built around a theme like Barnyard Barbecue, Siesta Fiesta, Casino Nights, Pol Pot Luck, or Puttin’ on the Ritz. Of course, your inspiration for having a party can be as simple as desperately wanting companionship.

  Once you’ve decided on the type of party, it’s time to consult the party log.

  The Party Log

  The party log may sound more like something you would leave behind at a party after a big dinner, but it is actually a detailed diary of your past parties—an organized scrapbook containing a collection of snapshots, recipes, hits and misses, menus, guest lists, and souvenir items. Before I insisted to myself that I write a book on hospitality, my version of party logs consisted of random lists written on the back of unopened mail, old notebooks, and the palm of my hand. But, after doing some extensive research for this book, I decided I loved the idea of an official well-organized “party diary.” So, I am going to start one along with you.

  The reason for a party log is simple: there is nothing more flattering to a guest than for a hostess to remember if he likes capers or raisins, prefers pickles to cucumbers, or has allergies to kelp, figs, or poisonous mushrooms. This is all information that can be recorded in your party log. It’s a reference tool that helps you plan the next party (see sample on next page). I also think it’s worthwhile to create a party log because it would be a wonderful item for someone to find after you die. I’d buy that at a flea market.

  Party Log Sample Page

  DATE: June 5th

  PLACE: My house

  KIND OF PARTY: South of the Border Theme

  TIME: 8:00 pm

  REASON: Lonely

  GUEST LIST: Toby, Jared, Bethany, Warner, Pasquel, Lizzy, Marta, Roby, and myself

  DECORATIONS: Hung yellow, black, and red streamers and a donkey piñata. Taped two large googly eyes with a fake mustache on my door.

  MUSIC: Played The Best of Mexico, Vol. 2

  MENU: Appetizer: Cheese ball con carne rolled in pumpkin seeds, served with blue corn tortilla chips

  DRINKS AND FOOD: Margaritas, cervezas, Mexican colas, avocado salad, taco buffet, Mexican lasagna, and golden raisin flan.

  HITS AND MISSES: Paper plates: bad idea for Mexican food. Cheese ball: big hit. Ran out of toilet paper early, ran out of paper towels later.

  GUEST PROFILING: Toby was highly allergic to Mexican food, boiled him some spaghetti. Discovered that Lizzy is a lezzy, left with Bethany. Warner out-stayed his visit. Found tooth.

  The Guest List

  The moment someone says, “Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,” your party is over. This is why the guest list is the most important aspect to a successful party. It’s the people that you specially handpick that make the good times roll.

  Whom you invite tells you whom not to invite. If you invite a fox, don’t invite a hound—unless you’re hunting for trouble. If the party is going to be made up of mostly young pretty girls, then you might want to invite some old men. Nothing makes them feel more alive. If you are having a party for a writer, you might not want to invite only other writers. Writers enjoy talking to all sorts of people who intrigue them, like a doorman, a detective, or an emergency room nurse. If all the guests have the same kind of job, the result can be geeky shoptalk, and that’s not a party—that’s called a convention. Make sure your guest list isn’t always the same—that’s a club. If a guest you invite is a shy type, balance that with a show-off, because all show-offs need an audience (we couldn’t do it without you).

  The Barnacle

  A barnacle is that one person in your life you can never get rid of and no one else really likes. They elicit sympathy by attaching themselves to you, making you believe that if it weren’t for you, they would have nobody. NOT TRUE. Invite them when it will be just the two of you, or to one of your much bigger blowouts where they will get lost in the crowd. For every barnacle, there is a shipwreck they can attach themselves to—at least for the length of the party. It is not wise to invite them to a dinner for six or less. People might lose their trust in you because you felt obligated to invite a barnacle, and that puts your party’s good reputation on the line. You should never invite a guest solely because you feel obligated; that’s no way to cast a party.

  Possible Guest Combinations to Avoid

  Astrologer & astronomer

  Fraternity brother & anyone else

  Psychologist & psychiatrist

  Movie star & a scene-stealer

  The newly divorced couple

  Director & out-of-work actor

  A girl, her boyfriend, & his secret girlfriend

  Serial killer & a drunken teenager

  Invitations

  The last time I sent a handwritten dinner invitation, I was in junior high and my mom let me invite eight friends over because that was the length of the table. We got to eat in the basement because that would feel special, and I made rock cornish hens, brown rice, frenched beans, and lemon tarts. The point of the story is this: I usually do my invitations by phone so I get a response quicker. But the even pointier point of the story is: whether you send a formal invitation, a written invitation, or make a phone call, invitations need to include specific information. Be crystal clear about the time, place, and location of the party. Include enough information so that you don’t raise any questions. If you do your invitations over the phone, don’t call the same day of the party unless you call everyone the same day. No one wants to be the last thing on your mind.

  But don’t be discouraged from having last-minute parties. They can be fun because of the spontaneity, such as, “Ruth made it back from Alaska and caught a smoked salmon. Join us at eight.”

  Leave enough information so that people don’t have to call back. Don’t make your messages vague: “So hopefully I’ll see you a couple of weeks from yesterday!” This is eyebrow-knitting. What if the
y get the message a week later, or are out of the country? “Late in the afternoon . . . ” could mean morning to some people, especially hospital workers, and does “late in the afternoon” mean a late lunch or an early dinner? Whereas, “Friday, May 13th, 6:00 pm” isn’t confusing. Don’t ask, “What are you doing on the 18th?” It’s none of your bees-wax. This sort of question puts people on the spot. Don’t use a speakerphone under any circumstances. Let your guests know if the party is a special occasion or involves a theme. If the people you are inviting have never been to your house, make sure to include simple directions. If it’s complicated, include a map. If there’s a gate, include the code. Inform them about parking, construction, or gay day parades. An invitation is the first impression your guest will have of the party, so keep it light, congenial, and of course, informative.

  The following are examples of written invitations:

  This invitation tells me exactly what to expect. I have no questions. I think I’ll wear white jeans.

  This well composed invitation is bristling with information, but be careful to not ask your guest to make too many decisions. Be specific about what kind of children you want at the party so that they can easily narrow it down. Julune?

  Excellent! I never thought Betty would stick with the program this long. Go Betty! When is it?

  Hmm? Good invitation, but what time is dinner and do I bring my paddle?

  This invitation would make a good dustpan.

  Always RSVP. I’m what you call a shamagrammer. Because I’m a night owl, I call people back late at night when I know they are not in the office and leave my message on an answering machine. I only like to talk on the phone when I want to.

  The most important thing to remember when putting together an invitation is, sometimes the less you write, the more you mean!