I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  Guest Etiquette

  So you’ve been invited to a party. Now what? Accepting an invitation is riddled with responsibilities. Chances are if you’ve been invited to a party, your hostess has chosen you for a reason, either for your good company or, in my case, to exploit you.

  If you receive an invitation, respond immediately. Don’t teeter-totter. It’s insulting to your hostess. They’ll think you’re lazy or just waiting for something better to come along. How do you expect someone to plan a menu when they don’t know how many people they are cooking for? Commit or decline. If you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don’t bother explaining why you can’t attend because anything after “because” is bullshit.

  Never bring along a guest without asking. Of course, a good hostess will be prepared for this inconvenience and will not make this situation embarrassing even though she is burning up inside and you most certainly will be crossed off any future guest list. Don’t call last minute to see if you can bring a girlfriend. I said yes to this once, had to run out my door on New Year’s Eve, caught the butcher just before he closed and the girl never showed up. I was frazzled and stuck with an extra steak.

  If you want to bring something to the party, ask the hostess what kind of wine she is serving and bring a bottle of that. Don’t offer to help the hostess in a way that will slow her down. If someone calls and says, “So for your party, I was thinking I would love to learn how to boil something. Why don’t I try to bake . . . ” I cut them off.

  Your party is not the place for others’ culinary experiments. Save that for the bedroom. I do not like it when someone brings an unexpected dish unless of course the theme of the party is potluck (see “Grieving,” page 122). One Greek Easter, I was preparing a traditional menu and a guest showed up with unexpected parents and a three-story chocolate cake: TURTLE WINS RACE, HEADLINE NEWS, GUEST BRINGS PARENTS, THEN WHAT? I would never have served this dessert with my menu and now it took up valuable counter space, which is always scarce. This guest then proceeded to cut into the cake while I was still serving seconds of my Spanakopita. Not to mention, with her parents in the mix, there go the four-letter words, nunchucks, and throwing stars. She and her family took up the whole length of the couch so my real guests and I spent the entire party in my hallway-size kitchen.

  Don’t ever come early unless asked. Those last fifteen minutes before a party are vital and for me the most enjoyable. I just love that time to myself. No one wants to be rushed when making a last-minute roux, putting on eyebrows, or waiting for that double-whammy you just swallowed to kick in.

  As a guest arriving at the party, don’t enter saying “I hate Florida” or “I hate my life, I’m so depressed I almost killed myself last night.” Yeah well, you didn’t. Don’t set a negative tone walking through the door. Don’t go into long involved stories with the hostess while other people are still coming in or insist on dominating her time. The host has a job to do and you’re not the only guest. Don’t ask for an outlet to plug a light box into to show slides of some historic ruins or sundowns or rocks. Don’t bring a light box. I had another party where a guest brought over a short film she had made and insisted that we watch it right then and there on the spot. It stopped the party dead. I had to jump-start it all over again. Remember, television ruins a party, unless of course that’s your theme (see “Price Chompers,” page 167), as does turning the music down unexpectedly or having the music too loud, which then dominates the room.

  A guest shouldn’t bring over anything that isn’t assembled, like raw vegetables with spinach dip served in a bread bowl (a favorite among the lesbians), because this requires valuable counter space, a cutting board, and a knife. Don’t show up with a raw chicken breast and some mushroom caps, or anything that needs to be put in the oven for a long time, or needs room in the freezer. I like it when someone brings over something practical that they know I’ll use, like butter. Butter is expensive and has many uses. I like when a guest shows up with confectioners’ sugar, lightbulbs, or a roll of those heavy blue gas station paper towels. A classy bottle of water is always nice. A roll of quarters, peppercorns, or carrot tops for my rabbit will make me happy.

  Next time you’re about to pick up flowers, think. When reaching for those last minute “these will make me look good” dyed carnations, baby’s breath, and sunflowers, what are you really saying to your hostess? How much thought and effort does a grocery bouquet require? It’s like dropping unwanted change into a tip cup. No regard. They may seem like a charming idea, but truly can cause more aggravation than joy, actually slowing down a hostess. She has to stop what she is doing, react to the flowers, cut them down, find a vase, fill it with water, which could be difficult because the sink could already be occupied with lettuce or a colander of clams. So if you bring flowers, bring them already in something. Bringing flowers can be risky, because often they don’t go with the decorations that the host has already displayed. Maybe the party has a southwestern theme and the hostess has sprinkled cacti about the room, but now you’ve got blossoms fighting for attention. Don’t you dare show up with bamboo! You might as well show up with a turtle. If you must bring a plant, it better be of the five-fingered variety. Flowers are good delivered the day after a party as a thank-you. Now that’s class! But for parties of eight or more, showing up with flowers can cause a lot of anxiety.

  If you are asked to bring something, bring it and show up on time. If you are asked to bring alcohol, don’t call up on Sunday at 6:00 pm and ask what liquor stores are open. It’s like asking someone what they want for Christmas on Christmas Eve. If you neglect to pick up the item you agreed to bring, you may as well not show up. You’re better off lying and saying you were mutilated in a closing subway door (see “Grieving,”).

  At the party, notice if there are ashtrays visible. If not, don’t smoke in the house. I don’t smoke but I don’t mind if people smoke in my apartment. I just hope that they are courteous enough not to smoke while someone else is smoking so the room doesn’t fill up with smoke. Don’t take advantage and make it a great American puff-out night. As far as ashtrays go, make sure that you don’t use them for anything other than stamping out butts. No one wants to stare at your chewed up gum or peach pit or wadded up beverage napkin. Don’t be “polite” and empty the ashtrays.

  There might be a roach or a tooth or something the hostess doesn’t want thrown out.

  Don’t overstay your welcome, know when it’s time to go. It’s always a good idea, especially if you want to be invited to another party, to call the next day and reiterate what a great time you had or send off a quick note, or even better, a quick check. Nothing makes the hostesses happier than a glowing review.

  Now that you’ve learned all the rules of guest etiquette, relax and have fun, but remember: NO BAMBOO, TURTLES, OR SUNFLOWERS!

  More Party Don’ts

  • Never try to out dress the hostess unless you are the guest of honor, or a transvestite.

  • As far as bathroom etiquette goes: number 1, no number 2.

  • Don’t bring your dog.

  • Don’t go through the medicine chest, steal toilet paper, or leave with someone else’s coat, shoes, or buttons.

  The Menu

  As I said earlier, half the fun of having a party is planning the party, and all of that half belongs to meal planning. Other than massaging my rabbit or frosting cupcakes, there is nothing I would rather do than plan a menu for a party. Growing up in Raleigh, my favorite part of the local Sunday paper was a section called The Mini Page, which was devoted to children. Included among the word scrambles and picture jumbles was the following week’s lunch menu for the public schools. They would use words like “carrot coins” and “pickle spears.” All of the lunch menus would end with “cookie, milk” as in, “Baked chicken, rice with gravy, green beans, cookie, milk.” I became obsessed with what foods were chosen to go together, and appreciated their combinatio
ns. I remember thinking menu planning would be a fun job to have.

  My mother was a really good meal planner. The first thing she thought about after waking up and yelling at my father was, “What will we be having for dinner?” There was always something defrosting on the counter or upside down in a shallow pan of hot water. I used to love watching the old soap operas like Secret Storm or The Edge of Night because regardless of what drama was going on the wife had a roast in the oven and it was always about the roast, no matter what the crisis was.

  A well-planned menu is important because it ties the whole party together. The most impressive trick is organizing the menu so that everything is ready on time and what is supposed to be served hot is hot. You will find that if you can achieve this, your guests will be impressed. Trust me they will notice. If you have successfully preplanned, you will just have to add finishing touches by the time your guests arrive, like a quickly heated sauce or warmed up vegetable. I like to use Revere ware for this purpose. I find that brand is like a camper’s tool: it will heat anything up in an instant. I also like to use it for popcorn. Try to avoid using the broiler when people are on the way over because it smokes up the room and can cause the smoke alarm to go off, unless that’s what you want. I dismantled mine (it kept going off during my grease fires).

  Before planning a menu it’s a good idea to consult the party log to remind yourself of your guests’ likes, dislikes, and dietary restrictions and to avoid repeating a menu. I wouldn’t call a guest to ask if they eat meat because it would ruin the surprise of what I was serving and to me this is like calling someone for their address because you want to send them a card. Why bother sending it? Now they know it’s coming.

  Always plan a menu with your guests’ special needs in mind. Are they dieters? If you are serving a dish with sauces, glazes, and/or dressings, you might want to serve those on the side, but do it for everyone. You don’t want your dieting guests to feel uncomfortable. Be careful about topping a dessert with alcohol. The last thing you want to do is knock a guest off the wagon with a tiramisu or bourbon balls. If you are entertaining someone with the misfortune of bad skin, stray from serving cranberry muffins or pizza or any other food that might mimic their face. You wouldn’t want to embarrass them. Always make eye contact with these guests, for they are very sensitive and have low self-esteem. To get them out of their shell, give them a chore; build up their confidence a bit. This will distract them from thinking about themselves and how bad their skin is compared to other complexions in the room.

  The menu often depends on the number of guests. If it’s dinner for two I probably wouldn’t want more than three things on a plate, two if they are dieting. I have to be careful that I don’t make too much, unless my purpose was to send the individual home with leftovers (see “Gypsy,” page 163).

  Dinner for four means I need to be prepared for surprises. If it’s Friday night and I want a fish dinner (see “T.G.I.F.,” page 41) and my guests are first-timers, virgins to my party log, I should keep a chop or two in the refrigerator in case someone doesn’t eat fish. I can always freeze the chop and eat it later when I am just cooking for one (see “Cooking for One,” page 192). With six or more guests, plan on do-ahead dishes. Make a dessert the night before or half-bake a dish and finish cooking it the day of the party.

  Eight guests means batten down the hatches, hike up the britches, and pull the table from the wall because now you’ve got a shindig. For this many guests, I serve cafeteria style, doling it out in the kitchen. For ten to fourteen, unless you already own a battleship-size table, you can rent one along with chairs or go buffet. A buffet means that your guests will probably be standing or using their laps. Serve food that can be broken up with a fork, as knives are awkward. I would steer clear of stews and chili. Things are bound to spill and this can also be a hazard. I once saw a girl on stilts slip on an olive.

  It’s important to make it clear to guests that dinner will be served at a specific time. If I invite people over at 8, it means dinner will begin at 8. The food is ready to go on the table at 8. I do this for three reasons:

  1: I don’t have to consider many appetizers or worry about multiple predinner cocktails.

  2: People won’t eat and run because as they finish dinner, the party is just beginning.

  3: Nobody wants to arrive and see the hostess putting a raw turkey in the oven. Don’t assume you are that interesting to hang out with. Not to mention that you will be trussed up in the kitchen the whole time and that’s rude.

  If you can’t avoid spending large amounts of time in the kitchen during the beginning of a party, ask a friend to play cocktologist and pass out peanuts. I don’t normally serve appetizers, but if I do have something out it is usually one of my famous Lil’ Smoky Cheese Balls (see “My Success Story,” page 180). Cheese balls are good if you are on a budget, because one can serve a cheese ball while entertaining friends on Monday, spend Tuesday perking up the ball, and then serve it to a different group of friends on Wednesday. They’ll never know the difference. To freshen up a cheese ball, merely reshape the ball back into its original form, being careful to cover the gouge marks, and then roll it through the remaining nut shake to mask the renovation. Decorate with a poke or party pick.

  As you are discovering, planning a menu is dictated by many things, such as the number of guests, the season, the party theme or gimmick, the time of day, the size of your space, the amount of time you have, and the budget. But even with these considerations there are some general rules you can follow to help you assemble a successful menu that will guarantee repeat business.

  Mixing a Menu by Color

  As I said, I tend to live my life like a deaf person. I like to plan a menu visually. I try to mix a variety of colors on my plate. If the main dish is the color of a Band-Aid, I would contrast it with beets, tomatoes, peas, carrot coins, or a darker leaf, like spinach. You wouldn’t want to serve a white fish with white rice and pearl onions on a white plate with a creamy coleslaw, and rice pudding unless you were dining with the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan (see “Blind Date,” page 47).

  Think of little ways to add color, like paprika on deviled eggs, chives on baked potatoes, a lemon wedge next to fish, parsley on fettuccini alfredo or nutmeg on top of a cream sauce. A red onion and pumpernickel croutons will jazz up any salad. Adding color is an easy way to help a meal come alive.

  Menus by Texture

  If the texture of the food you are serving is creamy, flatter it with crispy. Crunchy will always punch up soggy. And nothing complements chewy more than crusty. Prickly next to scaly? Not a good idea. And, as a general rule, never have bumpy and lumpy on the same plate.

  Menus by Theme

  I often plan the menu by theme. That way I have boundaries and boundaries are good because they narrow down our choices. Sometimes I’ll have Country Kitchen Southern Night where I’ll make barbecue ribs, sweet potatoes, Southern Green Beans (see page 239), and corny bread. Or I’ll have Je M’appèlle French Night, which might include French onion soup, French, fries, French bread, and an endive salad with French dressing (see page 257). It’s not a good idea to mix and match different cultural foods unless of course the theme is Patches.

  Menus by Flavor

  You never want one flavor to dominate the whole menu. Think twice before you serve a tomato soup with a tomato salad followed by spaghetti marinara, and Bloody Marys for cocktails. That’s a lot of acid to drop in one night. It’s also not a good idea to have too many strong flavors competing, like serving chicken teriyaki with meatballs and barbecue baked beans followed by a hazelnut mousse.

  Menus by Decoration

  Julia Childs said never put anything inedible on a plate. I think that was sound advice. Try carving radishes or carrots into cheerful shapes, or if you are like me and don’t possess any whittling skills, you can always melt Life Savers on a cookie sheet and make stained glass windows. Of course, you might have a tough time coming up with a meal that is complemen
ted by an artificially flavored candy. You can also decorate a meal just by changing the shape of your food. If you usually make a meat loaf in a rectangular pan, use a ring pan and make it a Meat Loaf Wreath (see page 171). Make a roll cake instead of a sheet cake. If you are making something with a crust, cut out shapes with cookie cutters and place them on top. For example: tomahawks for a Powwow Birthday or bats and an owl on pumpkin pie for a Fall Festivity (see page 168).

  Shopping

  Once you have your menu plan, it’s time to go shopping. I find the quote, “hungry people make poor shoppers” to be quite accurate. That is why for me it’s a hot creamy meal, a generous wedge of pound cake, grab the tote, and it’s off to the store!

  Shopping is so entertaining to me because you can tell so much about people by what they buy. When I was a cashier at Winn-Dixie people would walk up with such telling combinations as a small bottle of vanilla and a frozen dinner. Sometimes the items leave more of a mystery, like lentils and panty hose (see “Eye Burrito,” page 267). I loved it on that old family TV show The Waltons, when the mother announced that she was going to make a birthday cake, and would go to Ike’s store and ask for a vanilla bean, a sack of flour, and a yard of nails. I couldn’t fathom how she was going to hammer out that cake.

  Don’t do the bulk of your shopping the day of the party. You never know what a store might be out of, and then you will be forced to either rush to another store or alter your menu plan. When I worked in a grocery store, I loved nothing more than watching last-minute shoppers panic. Sometimes even now, I’ll pop into a grocery store on a holiday just for my own amusement. Thank you, lady trying to buy a turkey on Thanksgiving. And thank you, sir scrambling to find hamburger buns on the 4th of July and settling for waffles. Much appreciated. Enjoy your burgers, and pass the maple syrup please.