The Countertenor Wore Garlic (The Liturgical Mysteries)

by Mark Schweizer

  "So she was in the church and saw you get up and go into the sacristy." I said. "Why wasn't she sitting with you?"

  "She didn't know where I was. The church was packed and she came in late. She saw me when I got up."

  "So she followed you?" said Nancy.

  "Yeah. I walked into the sacristy and all the lights were out, but there was one on in the choir dressing room. The door was mostly closed. I thought Flori Cabbage might be there, so I pushed the door open. She was there all right and she had no clothes on at all. She was naked and she smiled and did this!" Bud crooked his finger in a "come-over-here" gesture. "It sort of freaked me out 'cause I didn't know what was going on! I mean, I had no idea. I thought we were friends and that she was just helping me out."

  He stopped talking for a moment, then said, "May I have a drink of water?"

  "Sure," I said. Pauli Girl went to the sink, filled a jelly jar with some water and set it on the table in front of Bud. He picked it up and took a long swallow.

  "I came out of the dressing room," continued Bud, "and like I said, I was pretty freaked. I was just trying to get out of there. I went out the back door instead of the one leading back into the church. When I tried to get back in, it was locked. I had to go all the way around and come back in the front. Then I went back to my seat and sat for the rest of the movie."

  "Did Elphina tell you exactly what happened when she found Flori Cabbage in the dressing room?" Nancy asked.

  "Yeah," said Bud. He took a couple of deep breaths followed by another sip of water. "She told me that she saw me leave the movie and after a couple of minutes came after me. She heard a noise in the dressing room and got sort of scared, so she pulled out her stun gun. She's got one that looks like a flashlight." He shrugged. "She always carries it."

  "Then she saw Flori Cabbage without her clothes and thought the worst," said Nancy.

  "Well, by that time, she had some of them back on," said Bud. "Elphina knew I was meeting with her. She said that Flori was after me, but I didn't believe her! She was so mad because she loves me so much..."

  "So she zapped her with the stun gun," said Nancy, "right in her neck. Then used the wine opener to finish her off and cover up the marks the stun gun made."

  "Yes."

  Nancy continued: "Dressed her, dragged her out the back, put her in the hay maze, and stuck a pumpkin on her head."

  "She didn't tell me about the pumpkin."

  "How'd she manage the rest?" asked Nancy. "She wasn't a big girl."

  "She's strong," said Bud. "No kidding. I once saw her carry a full keg of beer up a flight of stairs."

  "Where have you two been staying?" I asked.

  "In the car. Elphina kept trying to get hold of her friends in Florida, but never did. She finally decided that we should just go." Bud put his head on the table and his shoulders shook.

  I gave Bud a minute, then said, "You got a text after the movie was over. Outside on the steps. What did it say?"

  Bud didn't answer, but reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and handed it to me. I passed it over to Nancy. It took her just a moment to pull up the text.

  "You won't be seeing your slut again. We're both dead," she read.

  Pauli Girl bristled. "I hate that Mary Edith Lumpkin," she said.

  ***

  We told Bud he was not to leave the county, and that it would be a good idea for him and Pauli Girl to follow us back into town. They could come and stay with Meg and me tonight. Bud went to the bathroom to clean up. Pauli Girl walked with us to the front door.

  "She left when she saw you driving up," she whispered. "Out the back, into the woods."

  "Yeah," I said. "We know. Thanks for the text. I won't tell Bud."

  "What's going to happen to him?"

  "Nothing," I said. "He hasn't actually broken any laws. It's a good thing we got here when we did."

  "What about aiding and bedding a fugitive?" Pauli Girl asked, obviously as big a fan of the crime shows as I.

  Nancy hid a smile behind a fake cough. "Well, she wasn't a fugitive 'til right now," she said. "He did have knowledge of a crime already committed, but that's not a criminal offense unless we ask him about it and he lies. Then we might have reason to charge him with obstruction. Right now, though, it's all on Elphina."

  "Don't worry," I said. "We'll find her."

  "I ain't worried," said Pauli Girl, her eyes narrowing. "I'd just as soon stay here. She comes back and no one will have to worry about her anymore."

  "I know. That's why I want you two to stay with us tonight. We'll take all the vehicles with us."

  ***

  Nancy and I waited by the truck while the two kids got what they needed to spend the night.

  "What a bluffer," said Nancy with a grin. "Admit it! You had no idea that Elphina was the murderer when we came up here."

  "Well, that's true enough," I said. "I had the thought when I saw the packed car. Even then, I was fishing."

  "You're a good angler, Chief."

  "You're pretty good yourself," I said.

  Chapter 22

  Bud and Pauli Girl accompanied Meg and me to church on Sunday morning. Meg had fixed us all breakfast before we left, and we'd dined on homemade biscuits, bacon, apple butter, and various jams that she'd bought at the Ginger Cat before she'd left yesterday.

  St. Barnabas was abustle. Moosey came running up to us when we walked into the parish hall and he threw his arms around Pauli Girl.

  "Hi, Pauli Girl!" he bubbled. "Hi, Bud. Hey! Lookit what I've got!" He reached into his front pocket and started to pull something out, but Bernadette was right behind him.

  "Don't show!" she yelped. "It's for later."

  "Oh, yeah," said Moosey, stuffing whatever it was back into his pocket. "Hey! Mama's coming home tomorrow. I like it at the Kentons', but I'll be glad to get home. Hey! Did you feed my turtle?"

  "What turtle?" said Pauli Girl. "And stop saying 'Hey!'"

  "He's in the toilet in Mama's bathroom," said Moosey. "I put him there for safety."

  Pauli Girl made a face.

  "I've got to go up to the choir loft," I said. "I'll see everyone later."

  ***

  "I hope we get the rest of this story soon," said Marjorie. She'd gotten to the loft early, as usual. "I'm writing a review. You know. For the church newsletter."

  "Endeavor to be kind," I said.

  "Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that. I have my literary standards, you know."

  "Yes, I know."

  "I went down to the parish hall to get some of that fancy-cat coffee, but they didn't have any," grumbled Marjorie. "They only had Community Coffee. That's okay I guess, but I was really looking forward to it."

  "We're having it after the service," I said.

  "Ohhh," said Marjorie.

  The choir started coming in and filled the chairs one by one.

  "I went to my Sunday School class," said Elaine. "Guess who was there? The Congregational Enlivener. Kimberly Walnut was taking him around and introducing him. His name is Nick Duckling."

  "I can't wait to meet him," I said, being in quite a good mood after the events of the previous evening. There were still many unanswered questions, but I'd be happy to tackle those tomorrow.

  "Hey," said Steve. "Here are the new prayer books. I mean, the old prayer books."

  "About time," said Marjorie.

  "Let's take out our music, please," I said. "We'll go through it, but quite frankly, we may have to be flexible this morning. Kimberly Walnut and Mr. Duckling will be interjecting some fun elements into the service and they've decided that these should be a surprise."

  "And our service shall be enlivened," said Elaine.

  "Indeed it shall," I said. "Now let's look at that Puccini anthem."

  ***

  The kids, Moosey's Eleven, were sitting third-row center, their Boomwhackers, or rather, their Spirit Sticks, in hand when the service started. Other younger kids had Spirit Sticks as well. Kimberly Walnut had boug
ht fifty of them, and since there weren't fifty kids in the parish, there were a few of the strange instruments left over. It was no surprise, then, to see that all the basses had them squirreled away under their chairs.

  The choir had robed and was waiting downstairs in the narthex to process. I played the prelude, then started the hymn For All The Saints. I could hear the congregation singing as I played, then the individual voices of the choir as they came into the sanctuary.

  For all the saints, who from their labors rest,

  Who Thee by faith before the world confessed,

  Thy Name, O Jesus, be forever blessed.

  Alleluia, Alleluia!

  Thou wast their Rock, their Fortress and their Might;

  Thou, Lord, their Captain in the well fought fight;

  Thou, in the darkness drear, their one true Light.

  Alleluia, Alleluia!

  This hymn has eight verses, and since we only sang it once a year, we sang them all. I had a couple of alternate harmonizations I used as well as Vaughan Williams', and when the sopranos took off on a descant on the last stanza, I cranked it up.

  "Mr. Scott, take us to warp-nine," I heard a little voice in my head say.

  "She canna take any more of this, Captain!" answered Scotty from inside the organ console. "She's gonna blow!"

  I just hoped the Congregational Enlivener was enjoying himself.

  From earth’s wide bounds, from ocean’s farthest coast,

  Through gates of pearl streams in the countless host,

  And singing to Father, Son and Holy Ghost:

  Alleluia, Alleluia!

  Benny Dawkins was absent, having been hired for a festival service at Independent Presbyterian Church in Birmingham. He'd made his apologies and left Addie Buss in charge of the smoke slinging. She did a fine job, dropping an Ezekiel Flying Pinwheel, a Jonah Sinker, and something she called Eutychus' Death Plunge into the mix.

  Vicar McTavish had stopped on the top step, turned to face the congregation, and waited for the hymn to finish before offering the opening collect. I played the final chords and the priest waited for the majestic sound to stop reverberating through the rafters. It was a dramatic pause and a dramatic pause was called for. The priest raised his mighty arms and took a deep breath. None of us, certainly not McTavish, expected the Congregational Enlivener to jump up from the front pew, spin around and yell, "Y'all sit down! I'm Nick Duckling and we're here to CE-LE-BRATE!"

  Nick Duckling was dressed in an orange shirt, blue-plaid pants, and bright yellow suspenders.

  The vicar lowered his arms. The congregation sat down nervously.

  "So, before we go any further, let's hear it for Jesus!"

  This was the cue for all the kids to start beating their Spirit Sticks on the back of the pew in front of them. It caused quite a racket. Most of the kids figured out very quickly that smacking the person in front of them on the head made just as much noise and was a heck of a lot more fun. The basses had discovered this as well and were taking advantage of the cranial tunefulness of the tenor section.

  Gimme a "J!" yelled Nick Duckling.

  Kimberly Walnut and Heather Frampton, one of the St. B ex-cheerleader soccer moms that Kimberly had inveigled, jumped to their feet and yelled "J!"

  "Gimme an E!"

  "E!" screamed Kimberly.

  "Quit smackin' me," yelped Marjorie.

  The rest of the congregation sat in stunned shock.

  "I was a cheerleader once," said Elaine. "He's trying to get us to spell something. I wonder what it is?"

  "Gimme an S!" Nick yelled.

  "SSSSS!" yelled the women, jumping up and down and looking around to see whom they were enlivening. The Boomwhackers were still whacking away, but everyone else sat frozen, not daring to move. The vicar was motionless and seemed, if anything, to be getting larger as his anger increased.

  "Gimme a U!" Nick Duckling pointed the index fingers of both hands at the congregation, thus imparting his double meaning. The "U" in Jesus, referred to "you." Or rather, "us." How could we have been so blind?

  "Yoooouuu!" mooed the cheering squad.

  "S!" shouted Nick. "What's that spell?"

  "JESUS!" shouted the two ladies.

  "What's that spell?" shouted Nick again, this time louder.

  "JESUS!" they shouted back.

  Nick Duckling did a back flip in front of the chancel steps. "Let's give him a hand!" he hollered, skipping down the aisle, clapping above his head.

  Kimberly Walnut and Heather jumped up and down, applauding and cheering. The kids whacked their Spirit Sticks on whatever and whomever was close. The rest of the congregation, unsure of what to do, applauded lightly for a few seconds, then quit. Even the basses seemed somewhat embarrassed.

  Nick disappeared out the back, no doubt preparing for his next explosion of enlivening. The two cheerleaders looked around and seeing no one joining them in their little hops and yips of ecstasy, sat down.

  All eyes went to Fearghus McTavish. His eyes were icy blue fire and he seemed to be smoldering from within. He raised his hands again, then, his voice deep and menacing, spoke the collect: "All consuming and unpitying God, who dost enkindle thy Holy name in the hearts of the Saints; Grant to us, thy lamentable servants, the same faith and power; so, as we rejoice in their triumphs, we may profit by their examples and not wallow in the filth from which we came; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

  "At least he's sticking with the '28 prayer book," I said. "Although admittedly somewhat altered."

  "Hear what our Lord Jesus Christ saith," the priest growled. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."

  The '28 prayer book called for a Kyrie and we obliged. We were singing the last "Lord, have mercy," when Nick Duckling bounded in from the side door beside the Mary altar.

  "It's time for the Children's Moment!" he cheered. "C'mon down, kids!"

  The priest began to visibly sizzle. It was like one of those cartoons where smoke starts to come out of someone's ears. Like that, but scarier.

  ***

  The small children went into the aisle, pushed out by their mothers as usual, then began the long trek down to the steps. When they were about halfway to their destination, Nick Duckling shouted out,"Not just the little ones! All you kids come on down! Kids of all ages!" He looked up at me, pointed a finger and called, "Mr. Music Man! Play us a little traveling music!"

  I might have played Jesus Loves Me or something had I gotten a little advance notice, but for some reason, the only song I could think of right then was Seasons In The Sun. I shrugged and played a verse.

  Muffy, our aspiring Karaoke star, started singing along when I got to the chorus:

  We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun;

  But the wine and the song, like the seasons, have all gone.

  Moosey's Eleven, as they'd become known in the Sunday School, having graduated from being called the Fearsome Foursome, the Children of the Corn, and the Gang of Eight, were ready and waiting for the invitation. They'd been good so far, their little heads bowed, but their little fingers silently working. Now they stood and entered the aisle behind the smaller kids, their heads still down, following them to the chancel steps.

  "Now, children," said Nick loudly. "How much do we love God? Do we love him this much?" Nick had his hands a couple feet apart.

  "Yes!" yelled the little kids. The older kids kept their heads down.

  "Do we love him THIS much?" The space between Nick Duckling's hands widened.

  "Yea!" yelled the little kids. The older kids didn't respond.

  "Do we love him THIS MUCH?" Nick stretched his arms as far as he could and one of the Douglas boys reared back and slugged him in the crotch with his fist. He bent over in surprise and pain and came face to face with e
leven terrifying faces. Moosey and his friends had spent the first part of the service applying Brother Hog's Plague Faire favors using super-glue and the compact mirrors that had been thoughtfully provided by the Girls' Sunday School class when they had their lesson on self esteem. Now they looked up at him and smiled sweetly. The sweetness of their smiles, however, was tempered by inflamed boils with flies dipping in around the edges, open sores and wounds, warts, lesions, and a few exuding maggots. Bernadette had brought her bulging rubber eyeball back out for an encore. It went fetchingly with her frilled pink dress.

  Nick Duckling took one look and screamed. Then, either from fright, the Douglas boy's right cross, or maybe a combination of both, he sat down on the steps, fell over, and curled into a fetal position. The acolytes helped him to his feet and out of the church through one of the doors to the sacristy.

  The kids, all of them, turned and walked back down the aisle without a word. I was ready this time, and played:

  Jesus loves the little children,

  All the children of the world...

  Chapter 23

  "Hear the Word of the Lord!" thundered Vicar Fearghus McTavish. "For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains. They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction."

  "I guess that Nick Duckling made him plenty mad," whispered Meg.

  "I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust," he growled. "Now this will be the plague with which the Lord will strike all the peoples who have gone to war against Jerusalem; their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouth."

  "Zombies!" said Marjorie happily. "This is gonna be the best All Saints' sermon ever!"