by Andrea Hurtt
I did this.
Why wasn’t I a better brother?
No wonder Hope doesn’t want me.
He let every unsavory thought fill his head and spread into his heart.
He couldn’t let go of the guilt. If he’d been there for his little brother more when he grew up, rather than traversing around the globe becoming an international star, maybe Charles wouldn’t have had a monster growing inside him, hidden from the world until it broke free.
Almost killing Grace.
And yet, the woman was still the kindest he’d ever met. She held no blame. None for him, and none for his brother.
She still cared about Charles.
Nick carried enough blame and guilt for them all.
At some point, he’d drifted off to sleep.
It was far from peaceful.
Nick woke feeling like he was dying. His entire body hurt. He was hot, and yet had the chills. He stumbled into the kitchen when the smell of fresh coffee drifted down the hall.
Blaze sat alone at the little cafe table in his kitchen, blowing on the hot cup of joe. “Pot’s hot. Get a cup and come sit.”
He followed his friend’s advice, grabbing the biggest mug in the cupboard and filling it to the rim. He was hesitant about sitting, though. Nick didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to drink coffee and get on with the day.
He wouldn’t be that lucky.
“Dude. You okay? You really look like shit. I thought some sleep might help, but you’ve gotten worse. You sick?”
Thanks, Blaze.
“Maybe. I thought sleep would help, too. But I didn’t get much of that.” Nick cringed. He hadn’t meant to insinuate it was Grace’s fault. He needed to clarify. “I mean, my thoughts were everywhere and my head hurt. I just couldn’t fall asleep.”
“I’m sure Gracie’s panic attack didn’t help much,” Blaze said.
“Is she gonna be okay?” He really liked the lady. She was good for his best friend, and it seemed Blaze was good for her, too.
“Yeah. It’s gonna take time. The doc said she’d got PTSD. She’s gonna find a therapist here to help. One day at a time. She’ll probably come to rehearsals for a while, I don’t think she should be alone just yet. But as we learned last night, I can’t sleep next to her. Not yet. So I’m gonna stay with her in her new place. She needs to feel like she has a safe place that belongs only to her. I know she’d stay at my house, but I insist she start out there. I’ll sleep on the couch until she’s ready.”
“Smart,” Nick said in between sips of hot java.
“My point to all this; why don’t you stay here? You already know where everything is, you’ve stayed here enough times in the past few years. No point in staying in some rundown apartment with no personality.”
He laughed. Blaze’s place had plenty of personality. The man hoarded antiques. The more obscure, the better. He still hadn’t taken in all the odds and ends his friend had throughout the house. “Thanks, bro. I appreciate that.”
“Then, I’ll take you to get your car and come back to get Gracie. That’ll give her a chance to have a long, hot shower, and get ready to go check out her new place. The movers should’ve gotten everything unpacked by now. I’m sure she will want to rearrange it all, though.”
“Let me know if you need any help. Between her foot in a boot and her arm in a sling, I doubt she’s gonna be able to do much more than boss you around.”
Blaze chuckled. “She’s not really a bossing-around type, but I get your point. Looking at you, though, I don’t see you able to do much either. You should try to get some rest this afternoon. I’ll go see Sarah and the guys. Take one more day to yourself.”
Nick nodded, staring down into his black cup.
Two hours later, Nick’s Beemer was parked in the driveway, Blaze and Grace had left, and he now stood in the shower, letting the far-too-hot water soothe his aching body.
He rarely got sick. A cold had never hit him this hard, or fast. Surely, that was all it was.
He hadn’t been eating healthy the past two weeks, and had consumed far more alcohol than normal. Nick had allowed his immune system to crash, and was paying for it now.
A few days rest, lots of non-libation fluids and some healthy food, and he’d be right back on his feet.
After getting his car at the airport, he made a beeline for the grocery store.
He loaded up with all his favorites.
Nick wished he’d thought to look in Blaze’s fridge before they left, so see what his buddy had in stock, but it really didn’t matter.
They had different eating habits. He was usually grain-free. Something he’d given up the past fourteen days. He didn’t know how long he’d be staying at his friend’s house, but planned for the next two weeks.
They had six weeks of rehearsals, then they’d hit the road.
He’d downed a glass of orange juice and taken a slew of vitamins to get his system jump started. That usually helped. Nick tried to eat something, but found he had no appetite. He managed to get down some scrambled eggs he’d cooked with red peppers. It was something, at least.
He’d hoped he’d have more of a desire to eat after a hot shower.
Not so much.
Although his body needed rest, he didn’t feel capable of a nap. Living on the road the past twenty years had taught him to sleep when and where he could.
Right now, his mind was in a million places, and didn’t want to slow down. He wanted to text Hope and check in on her, but was afraid of rejection.
Nick needed to call on Charles and find out the status of not only his health, but the charges placed against him. Would his little brother be going to jail, or somewhere to work on his mental health?
He’d had major surgery to repair the artery in his right thigh, from where Grace had stabbed him to get away.
The doctor had said he’d had substantial muscle and tissue damage and he’d need physical therapy. When or where would that happen, considering their circumstances? He really needed to make that call.
His head hurt.
Nick sat on the brown leather sofa in Blaze’s living room, flipping through channels.
Maybe I should swing by rehearsals, or at least call.
He’d left his phone in the bathroom, but didn’t have the energy to go get it.
He continued to search for something to watch, something to force his mind calm. He settled on an old black and white with Humphrey Bogart. It was one he’d seen before.
Nick slipped down into the couch until he could lean his head back against the top of it. He settled into the movie, letting the life of the characters seep into him, and he drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 20
The next two weeks were hell for Hope. She drifted in and out of feeling ill. Not full-blown sick, but there were days when she could hardly function.
She’d tried to go back to work, but between the aches and pains, runny nose, and bouts of nausea, she’d been on the verge of tears by lunchtime each day.
To make matters worse, while trying to handle feeling like death, her young colt had stepped in a newly dug gopher hole, and broken his leg.
Hope had had no choice but to put him down. He’d been her last horse, the one that was supposed to get her back in the saddle.
She’d lost her childhood horse a few years before, and swore she’d never own another, until Buttons had come into her life.
He’d been a gift from a friend who was moving out of state and couldn’t take him. She’d been hesitant in the beginning. Hadn’t needed or wanted the responsibility of a new horse. However, Buttons had ended up bringing her joy she hadn’t known she was missing.
With his passing, being sick, her best friend recovering from an attack, and now losing Nick, or what could’ve been, was sending Hope to a dark place.
“Girly, you need a new horse,” her friend Krissy said.
“No, thank you,” Hope said, and praying her friend couldn’t see the wrinkle of her brows.
>
“Mazie is giving away four horses in about a month. She got loaded down with a lot that was seized from a property. They’re in good health. She’s being very picky about who they go to, but I think you’d be a great candidate. Please, just go check them out. If nothing else, you’ll get to ride for the day.”
That gave her a lift. Buttons hadn’t been old enough to train for riding. It’d been years since she was on the back of a horse. It might raise her spirits. “All right. I’ll go look. But only if you come with me.”
The next four weeks were a blur. Hope had struggled to make it through each day.
She spoke with Grace a few times. Her friend was working through her own demons.
Grace had gone to the theater, and was finally beginning her work with the company.
Blaze was rehearsing during the day, and they were spending their evenings at her new place, making it comfortable. Not once did her friend mention Nick, other than to say they were all looking forward to going on tour.
The night before she was supposed to go to the ranch with Krissy, Hope tossed and turned, not really getting much sleep.
When the sun rose, she hopped out of bed. She tried reading for a while but couldn't concentrate. Hope was oddly excited to go see the horses. Her friend Krissy was right. A new horse would keep her very busy.
That could push her thoughts of him away.
After breakfast, her friend picked her up to head to the reservation. They found it with no problems. They went to the barn to get checked in.
“Good Morning,” Hope said.
Someone was in a stall in the back, cleaning up. “Mornin’,” the lady called back, then leaned her pitchfork against the wall and came out. She was tall and broad shouldered, with dark brown hair and eyes. She was built like a woman that grew up on a ranch. “How can I help you?” she asked, but her gaze rested on Hope.
“I called this morning about the horses,” Hope said.
“Oh, yes! Krissy, is this the lady you were talking about?”
Her blonde friend nodded.
“I’m Mazie. But I’m sure Krissy already told ya. So, tell me about yourself. Why should I give a horse to you?”
“Well, I’ve owned horses most of my life. I had a break from having one when my childhood mare died. I had a colt until recently.” She tried to hold back the tears over the loss of Buttons, but she couldn’t help it.
“If you'll just come with me, I have some paperwork for ya. Then we’ll get y’all saddled up.”
“I’m sorry?” Hope frowned. She was only there to look at a potential horse. Sure, she’d hoped to sit in the saddle on one, feel the horse’s temperament out, but paperwork? It seemed a little early for that.
“I see the concern written across your face, honey. And that’s okay. Anyone that steps on my land and goes near any animal on my property signs a waiver. You won’t believe how many dumbasses I have come out here, thinking they know a little something about something, and end up getting themselves hurt. Nope! Not anymore. So, let’s go sign some stuff.”
Mazie gave some forms, and said she was going to saddle all four horses.
Hope finished and went to help with the horses, leaving Krissy still at the table.
“How long have you been riding? I know you said you’d had a horse since childhood, but that’s not the same as riding,” Mazie asked, while they brushed down the horses.
“Almost 12 years now.” Her attention was on the sixteen hand black gelding with a white blaze and socks the dark-haired woman had suggested she start with.
“Then you can tell me why we comb before we saddle.”
Hope loved that the woman was grilling her. “We comb them with the metal curry to take the mud off and loosen the shedding hair. Always brush with the grain. Then use a rubber curry to work the dirt and loose hair off.”
“Very good. Let’s take these two out for a ride. Then we can come back and prepare the next two.”
“What about Krissy?” she asked. Her friend had dragged her there, after all.
“She’s not coming. This is between you and me. I need to see how you treat your animal when there’s no one to worry about but yourself.”
Once they got out into the open range, Mazie encouraged Hope to take off.
She turned her horse and walked a scant distance away from the ranch owner and her horse, before kicking up to a canter.
Her hair whipped back from her face, the warm September wind kissing her cheeks, and she was out of breath. However, she felt better than she had in a very long time.
“Did you have fun?” Mazie asked, smiling up at her from the blanket she’d set on the ground.
Her horse was secured to a tree nearby.
“Yeah, he can move,” Hope said, dismounting. She led her horse to the shade and tied him next to the Mazie’s mare.
They enjoyed a drink of the water the woman had packed. They talked about the history of Mazie’s ranch, and how she’d ended up with the lot of seized horses.
The horse she’d rode in on was moving restlessly. He reared up, striking the air.
They both jumped up and ran to him.
The huge creature came down and was rearing up again when Hope reached him. Mazie had gone to her horse to calm him, as he was now agitated.
Hope couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She kept her voice calm and reached for the rope, but the horse had pulled the slip knot too tight when he’d bucked.
When the gelding went up for a third time, she saw it.
There was a snake in the tree.
Hope grabbed the pocket knife she always kept clipped in her boot when riding, flipped it open and grabbed the reins.
As she sawed at the leather, the horse’s foot struck, catching her across the left wrist.
Oh my fucking God!
The pain that burst through her wrist sent ripples up her arm and lightning filtered behind her eyes.
When she sliced through the reins, he spun and raced away.
“Are you okay?” Mazie demanded, appearing at her side.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied, blinking back the tears..
“He’s never done that before,” Mazie said, they both watched the horse disappear across the field.
“There’s a snake in the tree,” Hope said.
“I can’t believe I didn’t see that. I’m usually so much more aware of my surroundings. I’m so sorry. Come on. We can double up and head back. I’ll send Tony out to get the gelding.”
Hope swung up into the saddle, hooking her elbow on the saddle horn.
Once Mazie was settled, they headed back to the ranch.
Hope tried to ignore the throbbing in her wrist. She examined it subtly. No blood, that was good. She wanted to feel it, to see if it was broken, but she didn’t want to draw attention to it. She’d cowgirl up and deal with it.
She didn’t want anything to spoil her day. It was the first one in a while where she felt good. So she just let her hand rest lightly on the saddle horn.
By the time they’d made it back to the barn, she could feel the sweat dotting her forehead and cheeks. She was also a little lightheaded.
Mazie dismounted first, offering to help Hope down.
“I’m good,” she pushed at the lady’s hand. She had this.
Krissy came bounding out of the house, a huge smile on her face that fell when they made eye contact.
“Sweetie, you okay? You’re white as a ghost.”
“I’m fine. I just need to go to the ladies’ room. Mazie?” She glanced at the other woman.
“Oh, in the house, down the hall, and to the right.”
She’d barely entered the bathroom when her friend called her name.
“What?” Hope asked, and her voice sounded odd in her own ears.
“What’re you doing?”
“Going to the bathroom.”
“I can see you through the crack in the door. Why is your head between your legs?” Krissy’s voice was teasing, but made her fe
el like telling the truth.
“Trying not to pass out.”
“Why are you going to pass out?” This was louder, concerned.
“I think I broke my wrist.”
“How?!”
“Didn’t Mazie tell you? The horse kicked me while I was trying to cut him free. He panicked when it saw a snake in the tree.”
“Oh, shit! We better get you to the hospital.” This time, Krissy sounded calmer.
“No. It’s probably just bruised.”
“Come out of there and let me look at it, at least.”
When Hope obeyed, she extended her left arm to her friend. The swelling was obvious. It was turning purple around the edges.
“Yeah, you're going to the hospital,” Krissy said with a motherly tone.
Chapter 21
They sat at the ER for over an hour, with no one acknowledging that they were waiting.
Krissy was irate. She paced. “I can’t believe it’s taking so long! What’s wrong with these people? Can’t they see you’re hurt?" she fumed.
“Your pacing isn’t helping,” Hope teased.
“I know. I just get so frustrated. I want to help you and I can’t.”
“You are helping me. You’re keeping me from thinking about things.”
“The pain?”
“Yeah, the pain.” Hope couldn’t tell her it wasn’t the pain in her wrist, but in her heart. She wished she could text Nick and tell him what happened. To have his voice comfort her, even though he couldn’t be there.
He’d never replied after her last text.
Nothing.
Not even a goodbye.
Her name was finally called, breaking through her dark thoughts.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Krissy asked.
“No, it’s all right. They’ll just ask me what happened and rush me off for X-rays.”
“Okay. I’ll wait here for you.”
“I hope so. You’re my ride home,” Hope threw over her shoulder before following the nurse.
When they got to the exam room, the nurse began the inquisition. “Before we do any X-rays, is there a chance you could be pregnant?”