Making Peace

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Then when I turned out not to be, you felt overwhelmed? And since I’d lied, you felt betrayed? I get it, Hannah, I really do. I am so, so sorry. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. I promise. Please believe that.’

  ‘I do. I really did completely over-react, which isn’t like me either. Can you forgive me?’

  ‘Oh, Hannah. What do you think? Of course you’re going to be scared and overwhelmed. You’ve learnt to fend for yourself, go it alone after a terrible tragedy and upheaval to your life. As you told me that night, things had been quite cruisy in your life up until then. Now I’m asking you to essentially open up that partially healed wound again, even if only a little. Of course you’re going to want to run away or fight – it’s natural. I don’t think I quite realised the magnitude of that before. I never want you to feel like that again. Next time, please just talk to me. I’m here for whatever you want or need – not that I don’t think you’re strong enough on your own.’

  ‘Everyone spent last year telling me I was stronger than I thought I was. I don’t think I was at the time, but it helped to hear it. I realised during my grief that as wonderful as my parents had been, they didn’t equip me very well to deal with the harsh realities of life. I can see now that they’d kept me protected and I hadn’t really lived, not that they mollycoddled me. And then I was suddenly facing this huge, tragic upheaval. I didn’t know what to do, except that I didn’t have much of a choice but to get on. My parents were ones to just get on with things without a fuss, not that I remember them dealing with much. Perhaps that was something else they did a good job of protecting me from. Anyway, I don’t know, somehow you just keep going. I guess I wasn’t raised to sit in a corner and cry, though I did shed plenty of tears. Sometimes I thought I’d never stop crying. I think I only got through it because of my wonderful friends. I’m so lucky there.’

  ‘I love how positive you are. Did you decide to become Sam’s agent to pay her back in some way?’

  ‘Not consciously. That came about a bit by accident. Sam’s very talented, but talented people often struggle to believe in themselves. And if you don’t believe in yourself, how can you convince anyone else to – like, say, a gallery owner? If I can help, why not?’ Hannah said with a shrug.

  ‘Tell me how you felt when you met Henry at the court and how that came about.’

  ‘Oh, well, that’s quite an interesting story. A bit spooky, actually. One of the lifts at work wasn’t working and …’

  ‘Go on,’ Brad urged when Hannah paused.

  ‘Okay, it was lunchtime. He looked hungry. Food can be a great source of comfort, and who doesn’t love a ham, cheese and mustard sandwich?’ she said with a smile. ‘But, seriously, my parents were big on sharing food. Every year we had a huge Christmas Day lunch where friends dropped in and ate and then left or stayed on. They were often people who didn’t have any family or friends in Melbourne. It was just the way it was, so it’s part of who I am.’

  ‘I know it meant the absolute world to Henry.’

  Hannah shrugged again. ‘I love food and I don’t mind sharing,’ she said with a smile, thinking about the pudding and cheese platter she’d shared with Brad.

  ‘You don’t think you’re special, do you?’

  ‘I don’t see what’s special about showing someone some kindness and consideration.’

  ‘Have you never felt angry towards Henry?’ Brad asked.

  ‘No. I haven’t. Honestly. I’m desperately sad it all happened, but there’s no point being angry – it’s not going to bring my family back. Nothing will. And anger just grows into bitterness.’

  ‘Hannah, not only are you not angry, you’ve even forgiven Henry Peace, haven’t you?’

  ‘There was really nothing to forgive. The poor man was in the wrong place at the wrong time in a truck that has been proven to be badly maintained by a company also proven to have cut corners.’

  ‘Have you ever considered suing the trucking company for compensation, Hannah?’

  ‘No. I’d rather have nothing to do with them. I’m okay financially, and I’d rather keep moving forward and not look back. That’s not to say I don’t think Henry should be seeking compensation. He and Louise are doing it tough financially because of what’s happened and it sounds like Henry’s been treated very badly by his former employer. They didn’t give him any support. Worse, they tried to use him as a scapegoat. Henry is a good man. I saw it the moment I met him. He was trying to take responsibility for something he wasn’t in the least bit responsible for. The guilt was consuming him. Just living with what happened has been hard enough for me. The fact Henry almost let it consume him tells you he has a good heart, too. I just wish I’d met him sooner and he hadn’t suffered for so long. But perhaps that was a journey he needed to be on.’

  ‘You’re incredibly optimistic and philosophical, Hannah.’

  ‘I hope so. I try. And I’m trying to make the most of my life, appreciate it, because I could have easily been in the car that day too. I still have really sad times and days when I struggle to get out of bed. But I make myself. The danger is becoming too wrapped up in your sadness and guilt for too long and it turning into self-pity, which is especially hard for loved ones to deal with, I think. Someone who is sad and pessimistic all the time is no fun to be around – even if they have reason to be. Thankfully I have some really special people who knew what I needed when I needed it. I’m so lucky. And I’m glad Henry and Louise and their son, Felix, weren’t three more victims to that tragic accident and have found a way back to each other.’

  ‘You’ve become quite close to Henry and his wife Louise, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I feel sure we’ll be friends for a very long time. We share a unique bond. Of course I wish it hadn’t happened, but good things can come out of tragedies if you’re only willing to look for them. Oh, like my cats. Did I tell you I became the scary cat lady overnight?’

  ‘No. Tell me.’

  ‘I took in a mother cat and her two tiny kittens when they arrived on my doorstep all wet and dishevelled. I’ve never been a pet person, never had one growing up, but it was pouring with rain and it was Christmas. I took pity on the poor little things and brought them in. Holly, Lucky and Squeak. I couldn’t part with them now. And having them to be responsible for has been so good for keeping me grounded, keeping things in perspective. They cuddle up when you’re feeling sad or they demand you feed them. Now the kittens are bouncing around and getting into things they make me laugh. They are hilarious. Just the tonic, my mum and dad would have said. I think they’ve helped me heal.’

  ‘Do you know you light up like a neon sign when you talk about them?’

  ‘No, but I’m not surprised. They are the light of my life. It’s a relationship I thoroughly recommend.’

  ‘You said Christmas was a big deal to you before the accident. Has that changed? How do you feel about it now?’

  ‘Oh. Well, I did run away from it last year – the first anniversary. I went to New York. I just couldn’t face the cheer and people feeling the need to tiptoe around me, and being the elephant in the room wherever I was. But I realised what I was really running away from was myself – and that’s ultimately impossible to do.’

  ‘Better than drowning yourself in drink or some other demon, which plenty do,’ Brad said.

  ‘Hmm. I guess I’m lucky there as well. I’ve never been a big drinker and don’t seem to have an addictive personality. Except when it comes to cats – perhaps they’ve become my addiction,’ she said, smiling.

  ‘They look like they’re a good influence on you. So, what about Christmas this year?’

  ‘Brad, it’s only the end of April! I haven’t given it a thought. But I won’t be running away overseas. You know, I just might embrace it again. We were never big on giving expensive presents. It was always more about the coming together to share a meal and companionship. Tristan, my husband, had also really got into doing light displays in the last couple of yea
rs. So, actually, maybe I’ll make the effort to do something special on the house. I love the colour, sparkle and excitement of Christmas, even if I forgot that for a bit.’

  ‘Completely understandable. Was your ladybug a Christmas gift from Tristan? I notice you touch it a lot,’ Brad said.

  ‘Oh,’ Hannah looked down at her arm where her charm bracelet sat. Do I? ‘Yes, it’s really special to me,’ she said, holding it up for him to see. ‘It was his last Christmas gift.’ Tears filled Hannah’s eyes. ‘I opened it after he’d died. So much for it being a symbol of good luck,’ she said sadly, and dragged a tissue from her bag and wiped her face.

  Brad touched her hand. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  ‘It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry, I thought I’d be all right. I still really miss him. And, as you can see, sometimes I’m not as strong as people think I am. Or I think I am. I don’t get angry, but I do get sad and disappointed.’

  ‘And that, too, is quite understandable. I think you’re incredible, Hannah. Just one last thing. Would you mind if I used the photo of you from at the court with Henry?’

  ‘Sorry? Oh,’ she said, ‘I forgot again you were interviewing me.’ She blushed. ‘You’re clearly very good at putting people at ease. God, I’ve done a lot of babbling. Please feel free to paraphrase me and tidy up my words so I don’t sound too ditsy.’

  ‘You could never be ditsy, Hannah. And you’ve done very well. About the photo …?’

  ‘Oh. That’s okay. I don’t mind if you use it.’

  ‘I’ll turn this off now,’ he said, and touched his phone.

  ‘Have you got enough for your article?’

  ‘I think so. Thanks very much. You were great.’

  ‘I’m not sure about that, but thanks. If you need anything else, let me know.’

  ‘Okay. Great. I’ll see how I go.’

  Chapter Thirty-one

  As Hannah walked up the path to Jasmine’s house she hoped Craig was still out and, equally, that Jasmine was home. She so badly needed a friend and she couldn’t go to Sam’s because the boys would be too distracting in their after-school boisterousness. She rang the doorbell and held her breath, listening for footsteps.

  ‘Hannah! What a wonderful surprise!’ Jasmine said, throwing her arms around Hannah who let out her breath and relaxed a little.

  ‘Come in. I’m afraid Craig’s still out. He should be back soon, though.’

  ‘No, I came to see you, actually. If that’s okay.’

  ‘Of course. Hey, are you okay?’ Jasmine asked, pausing to scrutinise Hannah’s face more closely. ‘What’s up?’

  Hannah felt her chin wobble and her eyes fill with tears. Oh god. ‘I’m just being ridiculous.’

  ‘I doubt that. Come through.’

  ‘Thanks. As long as I’m not disturbing you.’

  ‘Not at all. I can do with a break anyway.’

  ‘What are you working on?’

  ‘No you don’t, Hannah. We’ll talk about me later. Now, peppermint or English breakfast?’

  ‘English breakfast, thanks,’ Hannah said, suddenly craving the comfort of the smooth milky richness.

  ‘No, thanks,’ Hannah said to the plate of Tim Tams that Jasmine held out towards her. ‘I’ve been out to lunch. With Louise Peace, actually.’

  ‘Oh, how lovely. I thought she was nice when I met her at Sam’s launch. And Henry. Has she upset you, though?’

  ‘No. I really like her. She’s helping Brad – you know, the journalist …’

  ‘Yes, I liked him too until he upset you at The Windsor.’

  ‘Anyway, listening to Louise made me realise that refusing to participate in Brad’s article was a bit short sighted. I’ve always thought I’m not much of a story …’

  ‘You are, Hannah. You could inspire people with how you’ve … Sorry, carry on.’

  ‘The thing is, I realised it doesn’t matter what I think. Well, not completely. It’s bigger than me. I’ve been selfish by not commenting, adding my side to the story, the article Brad’s writing. Thankfully I’m pretty sure it’s mainly about Louise and Henry – Henry’s going to try to sue the trucking company for some compensation. Brad’s helping, and of course anything to help stop an accident like that happening again. Anyway, so I rang Brad and I’ve just come from speaking to him. You know, on the record.’

  ‘Right. Well, good for you. Or are you now having regrets? Is that what’s upset you?’

  ‘No. No regrets, except for a ridiculous amount of babbling. I spilled a whole lot of beans – probably far too much information – but what’s done is done.’

  ‘Clearly you needed to let it out.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Okay. You don’t look like someone who has unburdened themselves – quite the opposite.’

  ‘Oh, Jas. I like him. I really like him.’

  ‘Darling, blind Freddy could see that. And the way he was looking at you at the launch, well …’

  ‘Right, so why didn’t he so much as hug me or peck me on the cheek when I left just now? He was all business. He shook my hand, for Christ’s sake!’

  ‘Well, you did walk out on him at dinner and then refused to answer his calls for a week.’

  ‘But, I apologised. I guess all he wanted all along was an interview. And now he’s got it …’

  ‘Not necessarily. He seemed a decent guy to me. I didn’t get a hint of him being anything but genuine at all. Craig thought so too, and he can smell a bull-shitter a mile away, as you well know. Maybe he just needs more time to get over being hurt.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Did you tell him or give him anything to indicate you like him, as in like him, as part of your apology?’

  ‘Um. No. I offered to give him his interview.’

  ‘So, you apologised for leaving dinner so abruptly and …?’

  ‘Well, I did admit to being an idiot.’

  ‘Then you got straight down to business and answered his questions?’

  ‘Well, yes, pretty much.’

  ‘Darling, you put him in the work zone.’

  ‘That’s a thing?’

  ‘He’s a professional doing an interview. It’s not personal in the way you wanted it to be. I’m sure, like in every profession, there’s a state he has to enter to get what he needs from his subject – and himself.’

  ‘But what about afterwards?’

  ‘Well, maybe he doesn’t snap right out of it. He was probably too distracted.’

  ‘Or he doesn’t like me as much as I thought he did – or not in that way.’

  ‘Maybe you left too quickly. Did you give him a chance to leave work mode behind?’

  ‘I don’t know. Actually, probably not,’ Hannah said, a little sheepishly. ‘I sat in my car for a minute or two, though.’

  ‘You could have gone back inside,’ Jasmine said gently.

  ‘True. Maybe it’s too soon for me to be thinking of going out with anyone. Look how it went with Pete.’

  ‘Ah, that was just a good trial run. You never lit up when discussing Pete the way you do when you talk about Brad. You spent more time talking about the food you ate with Pete rather than the man himself.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘God, I thought Beth was bad, but you don’t miss much, either do you?’

  ‘I’m not as sharp as Beth, but no, not much,’ she said, smiling warmly.

  ‘So, what do I do?’

  ‘I don’t know. Whatever you want to. Phone him, arrange to meet again. Or nothing. It’s only just happened. Perhaps sleep on it. Maybe Brad will come to you. Maybe he’s having the same thoughts.’

  ‘I think I’ve blown it.’

  ‘If it’s that easily blown, then it’s not meant to be. For what it’s worth, I think you’re feeling too much for it to be nothing. You weren’t this upset over Pete.’

  ‘Hmm. Thanks so much for this.’

  ‘You’re welcome. So, what else has be
en happening?’

  ‘Well, Sam’s freaking out and is never going to create again because of a nasty online review.’

  ‘Oh dear. I think I saw that. I wanted to call her, but didn’t want to reveal it if she didn’t already know, or rub it in.’

  ‘Yes, it’s a delicate situation.’

  ‘I actually wanted to talk to her – professionally. You know how I’ve got my first major interior design client …’

  ‘Yes, it’s fantastic! How’s it going?’

  ‘Great, thanks. I’m so excited with how it’s come together. It’s a huge house and a client with pretty much an open chequebook – not that I’d ever take advantage. All from a lady who took my card at the market. Incredible! Anyway, there are some magnificent blank walls in the house so I was wondering if Sam might be interested in doing some commission pieces.’

  ‘A few weeks ago she might have leapt at the chance. Now, I’m not so sure. Also, she might think you were asking out of pity – she’s in that sort of mindset, I’m afraid.’

  They looked up at hearing the front door open and close. Craig appeared in the doorway.

  ‘Hey there, my two favourite women,’ he said. ‘Your friend Brad is an absolute legend, Hannah. I have five serious leads from the lunch today that he got me an invite to. Awesome! What?’ he asked, noticing the women sharing a look. ‘Please don’t tell me he’s pissed you off, Hannah, and I can’t be friends with him anymore, because that would be hard. He has the potential to be very useful.’

  ‘It’s fine, sweetheart, you can carry on with your little bromance, can’t he, Hannah?’

  ‘Yep, go for it,’ Hannah said with a smile and a nod.

  ‘Great. This looks like serious women’s business, so I’ll just leave you to it.’