Jamie's POV
I try to look past my rapist and see Sebastian. Lock eyes with him, but it's not easy with that guy so close to my face. When he finally gets away, I see Sebastian. He is in pain, I can see it and he cries and yells at this Rudy. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I am not afraid. I know what will happen. I am absolutely certain that this is my end. But I need to tell Sebastian one more time that I love him. The only regret I have is not being able to see Agnes again. Never again. No more kisses. Not for my daughter. Not for my boyfriend. It's hard to breathe and I try to stay focused on Sebastian. The male love of my life. The female love of my life is Agnes. I remember her birth, her first cry, her first steps and her first scrapes. Her first day at school and her frustrations with homework. I see her smiling and singing and dancing in our tiny living room. I see Sebastian. I see him dancing and looking at me. I feel his warm skin against mine, his breath against my lips. I can't fight anymore, but I am not sad or angry. I feel serene and a strange comforting warmth spreads inside of my body. I suddenly know and understand that I will go to a good place. A happy place. I lived a life full of emotions and I loved – I loved from the bottom of my heart. The last thing on earth I see is my love. My Sebastian and the last questions, before I breathe the last breath is: Why? Why me? I loved them so much...
~~Epilogue~~
People sat in neat rows of brown padded chairs and waited for the person at the lectern to speak. The room was cold and barely decorated, apart from a large table that offered coffee, water and diverse pastries.
A young woman stepped up the small stage and looked in the many people's anticipating faces. She was nervous to speak in front of a crowd of strangers, but she had been asked to tell some of her story and she had agreed. Her gray eyes scanned the room and stayed glued to a man's gaze. He was seated in the last row, he nodded, encouraging her with a smile. She took a deep steadying breath, pushed some strands of hair behind her ears and gripped the edges of the lectern.
“My name is Agnes McCarrick and today is the tenth anniversary of my father's murder.” Her audience started to stir and nod, some gasped in shock, but everyone stayed respectful and the young woman started to share some of her story with the strangers from the grieving group. She didn't go to meetings regularly anymore, only on these particular anniversaries.
“I was fourteen, when my father was stabbed to death by the ex-husband of his new boyfriend. Yes, you've heard that right. My father was gay, but his murder was not a hate crime per se, it was a murder out of jealousy. I was on a weekend trip with my uncle when the phone rang, telling us something terrible had happened, and we immediately drove home. Nobody wanted to share any news on the phone and in hindsight, it was better that way. When we arrived at the hospital, I was only told, that they were too late and he had already died when they arrived at the crime scene. I don't recall much after that, I must have been in shock. My father's boyfriend had been badly injured too, but I couldn't or wouldn't understand the consequences and the life changing experience this was for him too. All I saw was a weak man, who did not fight to save my father, and I hated him for it. I really hated him for it, because now, I was an orphan, with no place to go. Until my uncle fought for me and got custody, but I still refused to talk to his brother. See, his twin brother was my father's boyfriend and me calling him uncle gives me some roots and a belonging to a family that is not blood related. A family that accepted me and my father without any prejudice. It was hard. The first months, I even dare to say years were very hard. I refused to talk to my father's boyfriend and when I was finally ready and needed to speak to him, because I wanted to understand what had happened precisely, he couldn't talk. For years, he didn't talk at all and he became a recluse. I tried to move on. Make my father proud. I finished high school at the top of my year and went to college. I became an interior designer and I love my job. I have a wonderful man at my side and I live a good and happy life. With only one sole regret. That regret is that my father isn't here to see me succeed. He isn't here to see me fight my battles and encourage me to never let my goal out of sight.
“My father didn't have an easy life, but he did the best to protect me from every evil. The older I get, the more I understand him. Sebastian – my father's boyfriend – and I, we never became close again. In my childish behavior, I pushed him away and deeper into depression and into his own speechlessness. I blamed him, when I know now that he wasn't to blame. I'd like him to be a part of my life again someday, but I don't know how to do it. I tried to ask my uncle to help me, but he doesn't know how. Apparently, Sebastian moved to the other side of the country and took up dancing again. You must know, that he was a very talented and successful dancer, but on that dreadful day, he lost his leg. My uncle told me that it was a struggle to get Sebastian to use a prosthetic leg at first and it was not made easier when he refused to talk to the people who wanted to help him. The breakthrough must have been when I was away at college. I don't know. I only know that I miss him too and that I was too harsh to him. I may have made it even harder for him, with my rejection.
“I feel like Sebastian is the missing link in my life and that my father would have wanted me to have him in my life. My father loved him so much. It was palpable, every time they were together in a room and I remember that I wished to have someone love me that way too, once I would be an adult. I am proud to say, I have. And I know, my father would approve of my man.
“My uncle told me that Sebastian wrote a book. I remember that I had agreed and signed a paper that said that he was allowed to write about my father when I was a lot younger. I don't know if it will ever be published or not, but I'd like to read it. Maybe, that gives me so more closure.
“I miss my father every day. He was only thirty years old when he died and it was all in vain. No young man, no young father, no lover should be torn from his loving family so brutally. I won't offer more explanations, because I can't. I don't have the knowledge of what really happened that day. But I have the hope that my father is watching out for me and for the people he loved. Thank you for your attentiveness.”
Agnes stepped away from the lectern and folded her notes neatly, while her audience clapped its hands and one or two tears were dried.
Kai joined Agnes and hugged her tightly.
“You did well up there.” he kissed her hair, like he knew her father always had done too and took her by the hand to guide her out of the building. He could see how agitated she was all of a sudden and sensed her need for privacy.
They sat for a moment on a bench overlooking a nice little park, before Agnes spoke: “Wow. I never thought this would be so hard. How's Sebastian doing?”
“I talked to him today. He is fine, considering everything. Anniversaries are still hard on him too. He told me that his book is going to be published. The publishers want to send him on a reading and signing tour around the country. He is pretty excited. He asked about you.”
“Yeah? That's nice. You think I should give him a call some day?”
“That would be good. Some day. So? What were your news?” Kai remembered, that Agnes had told him about news she had to tell him.
“Jordan – he asked me to marry him.” Agnes was suddenly all excited and then proudly held out her hand for Kai to admire an elegant engagement ring on her slender finger.
“Wow. Look at that rock. Congrats, Aggy.” Kai smiled happily and pulled Agnes into a warm embrace.
“I think, I want Sebastian at the wedding.” Agnes said gently.
“Already planning, huh? When is the day?” Kai asked, looking into the distance.
“Two months. I don't want it to show.”
“What to show?” Kai asked clueless, facing Agnes again.
“The baby?” Agnes winced and Kai gaped like a fish.
“The baby?”
“Yes, you know. Those cute little things with no hair, who eat and shit and cry when they don't get their will.”
“I see. I see. Um... Wow. D
oes Jordan know?”
“He is the one who did this to me. He is the father and before you ask. It was all planned.”
“Oh my God, come here. Come here. I want to hug you and hug you until you can't breathe anymore.” Kai laughed and again, he held Agnes in his arms.
“Come on, let's go. I want to scare the shit out of Jordan. You know, not approving and all that.” Agnes chuckled before she turned serious again.
“Do you think Sebastian will come to the wedding?”
“If you'll ask, he will come. I am sure of that.” Kai patted Agnes's arm gently.
****
A few days later, Agnes retrieved the mail from her mailbox and held a heavy package in her hands that was addressed at her. Not having a clue what she held in hands, she hasted back inside the house and threw the mail on the dinner table. She was curious about the package though and opened it hastily. And then she froze and gasped. What she held in hands was a book. A book she hadn't ordered. The title read “When the right door opens” written by Sebastian Martin. The cover was a picture of Sebastian, Jamie and Agnes, being close together and laughing into the camera. Agnes remembered the day that picture was taken. It was the day before Jamie died. Her finger caressed her father's face lovingly. She opened the book and it was dedicated to her.
“Dear Agnes,
This is your father's story, how he told it to me. It's the final draft and the first copy of what will be published next week. I know that I am a coward for not sending you the manuscript, but it is only one of my many faults that I can't change. I would like to get in touch with you again, if you want me to. If the whole tragedy with Jamie taught me anything, it's that life is too short to hold grudges and too short to let opportunities pass you by. We wasted too much time without moving already. I miss him every day and I'm sure you do too. But it's not only him I'm missing. I miss you too and I know now that I should have been stronger and been there for you.
I apologize, from the bottom of my heart. I am sorry.
Sebastian.”
Agnes was in tears and read the letter over and over again. Nothing had prepared her for this and she was humbled and grateful alike. Agnes sat down on the couch and started reading. The words were easily readable and true. Page after page, she turned and relived her father's life trough Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian did not withhold many details and sometimes it was borderline painful to read. Many facts of Jamie's life were new to her. Not completely, but the explanations behind them. She believed every word she read to be true. She was already halfway through the book, when Jordan came home.
“Hey, sweetie. What are you reading?” he asked cheerfully, kissing his fiancée. Agnes held up the book and Jordan understood right away. He recognized Agnes's father and also Sebastian, as well as the fourteen year old version of his soon to be wife.
“That's unexpected.” Jordan wasn't sure how to react, but he noticed that Agnes had already read a big chunk of the book.
“It's good though. Very good. He is very perceptive and I think the love he had and still has for my dad shines through every word. He sounds genuine and it's amazingly written, not sparing the details, but not losing focus either. Here, look what he wrote.” Agnes held the book out to Jordan, who readjusted his glasses and started to read. When he was done, he lowered the book and looked at Agnes.
“Does Kai know?”
“I have no idea. I didn't call. I sat down and read and read and forgot time and everything. I was supposed to make dinner, wasn't I?”
“We can order take-out. It's alright. I reckon you want to read some more?” Jordan asked understandingly, knowing the answer. Agnes nodded and Jordan kissed her head, before he went to change and order Chinese food for them.
Agnes woke up the next morning, lying on the couch. She yawned noisily and stretched her limbs. The book fell from her lap and it made Agnes grin. She had read it all and now she was more determined than ever, to get back in contact with Sebastian. She looked at the clock on the wall and decided to call Kai and tell him all about it.
Kai was genuinely happy that Sebastian had made the first step towards Agnes, and he was also curious to see what she was planning to do, now, that the ball lay in her court.
****
A month had passed and nothing had happened, much to Kai's dismay, but he had vowed to stay out of it and he was determined to let Agnes go at her own pace. Kai sat in a little bistro waiting for Agnes. She was late as always, but when she stepped into the bistro, she was beaming. She kissed Kai to say hello and sat down opposite from him with a big grin on her face.
“I found my dress. It's perfect. I love it and it looks sensational. And the baby, it's going to be a boy and I booked a venue and...”
“Hey hey. Not so fast. Don't forget to breathe with all your excitement.” Kai grinned too, infected by Agnes's enthusiasm. She frowned but immediately she grinned again.
“It's so exciting. The only thing missing is a band.”
“I know someone.” Kai offered and Agnes knew right away who Kai had in mind. “That's very nice, but I don't think, that Darragh Morgan will play at my wedding. He is an international star and his last record went straight to number one.”
“Just let me ask him. He owes me a favor.” Kai replied enigmatically, referring to a panic attack he had assisted and helped Darragh recover from. Agnes dismissed it, but turned serious. She grabbed Kai's hand and began to open her mouth, but no words would come.
“Just speak already. What is it?”
“I was wondering... I know it's silly... I want to ask Sebastian to walk me down the aisle... I mean I want you too. I want you two to walk me down the aisle.”
“Have you talked to him about it?” Agnes shook her head energetically.
“No. I wanted to surprise him. He is going to be on a book signing this afternoon, just down the street. I … I don't know. I want him there and...”
“Hey, it's okay. It's your wedding and I can understand that you want to be walked down that aisle by the best-looking twins on earth.” Agnes slapped Kai's arm playfully, but was happy that he took it so well. She knew that it meant a lot to him too, that Sebastian and she would become closer again.
“Do you want me to come? Be the common link?”
“No. No. I think we are grown-ups and should be able to talk and act accordingly.” Kai only nodded. He was certain that he would hear both sides of the events that evening on the phone.
“So... It's a boy. Of course you are going to name him Kai, right?” Kai changed the subject and he saw some tension slip away from Agnes.
“Kai... Kai... No. I don't think so. I don't know a single Kai I like.” Agnes teased and she started tell Kai all about the wedding plans and her baby news. Kai listened gladly, still sometimes surprised that Agnes seemed to trust him unconditionally. It made him proud, but also aware that he saw Agnes as his daughter. Sometimes, he was not sure if he was allowed those feelings, but then he saw the light in Agnes's eyes and how she waved her hands while talking and he permitted himself these feelings.
****
Agnes nervously waited in line. She had not thought that so many people would be there, to see Sebastian signing his book and read a chapter.
It had been weird but also very touching, when Sebastian read about what he had loved so much about Jamie. Agnes prayed away the tears that threatened when she had seen Sebastian walking tall and proud to his chair on the stage. If she hadn't known, she wouldn't have guessed that Sebastian was missing one leg. He looked good. Really good and in good shape. He had nothing to do with the broken man she had last seen seven years ago. It made her happy. She had moved on and it was good to see that Sebastian had apparently moved on too. He was older and broader in the shoulders. His blond hair was longer on top, and styled back and his deep brown eyes had the glint back that had left them after Jamie's death.
Sebastian's voice was slightly faltering when he started to read, but his nerves quickly calmed and in his usual steady voic
e, he spoke about Jamie.
Questions could be asked afterward and when Sebastian revealed that Jamie had died a decade ago, people started whispering and asking some more questions. Sebastian smartly declined to answer any more of them, to not spoil the book and then the event manager asked the attendees to get back in line and get the signing started.
The closer Agnes got to the table and Sebastian, the more her hands became clammy and shaky. It was her turn. She held out her copy of the book and Sebastian, without looking at her, opened the book and wanted to sign the first page automatically. He blinked when he saw, that the page was already filled with words and finally, he looked up and saw Agnes. Tears welled up in his eyes and he got up from his chair immediately.
“Agnes!” he said out of breath and she nodded affirmatively. She smiled through her tears of emotions and soon two sobbing people stood in the middle of a stage, hugging, with people all around them watching them and asking who that girl was.
Agnes and Sebastian didn't talk. They just hugged and cried tears of joy.
Finally, Sebastian pushed Agnes back and held her at arm’s length.
When The Right Door Opens Page 15