The Swear Jar

by Osorio, Audra

  She was glad they had not made love in her bed. She wouldn’t have been able to sleep in it. She couldn’t look at the couch, remembering the time they had spent there. Each day he was gone was like torture to her. She worried about him. She wanted to know if he was still upset with her and if he missed her. She knew he had used the wrong words. He was sensitive about the age difference, but perhaps the problem was something else. She wanted to believe he wasn’t using her.

  She was to blame for her actions, not the wine. When he had hurt her, her emotions were raw. In her mind, she had returned to the times Hank had treated her badly. Ever gentle, Duncan had tried to soothe her. Looking back, she was ashamed of the way she had treated him. She crawled into bed and hugged her pillow close. She ached for him. She cried bitterly and fell asleep. She had the nightmare again.

  She was in the library, but she couldn’t find him. This time, people in the library were trying to distract her. When she realized he wasn’t there, she panicked. The people closed in on her, asking her questions. She didn’t want to stop looking for him. Her heart raced. Her limbs felt like she was swimming in molasses.

  Lying in bed, she was sweating, her hands bunched into fists. Breathing heavily, she stirred, but then passed right back into the dream. Now she was in his house, searching the first floor, calling for him, but no words coming out. She slowly forced her way upstairs. At the top of the stairs, was their Shore bedroom. She was so confused.

  She looked into the dark bedroom. Someone was in the bed. Her heart was pounding. It had to be him. She crawled into bed, edging closer to him. Her heart slowed. She didn’t want to wake him up. Just as she was about to rest her head against his chest, he disappeared. There was an empty space where the blanket and pillow were.

  Paralyzed in her own bed, she screamed, howling in pain. She cried until she choked. She was finally able to wake herself up. Her eyes and face were swollen with tears. She looked around, confused.

  “Where are you, Duncan? I’m so sorry.” She fell asleep, exhausted.

  By Friday morning, Meara was miserable. There was no sign of Duncan. She decided today would be her last day. Each night, the nightmares made it increasingly difficult to sleep. Eating was also an ordeal. She got ready and headed to the library. The quicker the meeting was over, the better. She drudged through the doors and headed to her office. She grimaced at the flowers on the desk. Men kept giving her flowers. She wanted to throw them all away.

  Sherrie, the fashion maven, showed up a few minutes later. “Look at you! That’s a beautiful dress. The blue and green compliment your coloring. Let me see, turn around. Nice. Knee-length, empire waist, square neckline. I like the black bands around the sleeves, waist and neck. The pattern is flattering with a mix of colors. Black flats with black stockings. Very nice!”

  “Thanks,” Meara said half-heartedly.

  “Meara, have you been sleeping?” asked Sherrie. “You’re pale and you don’t look so well. Have you been eating?”

  “Not much on either. Let’s get through this meeting. Then I’m leaving, I can’t stay. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “When Duncan comes back, you’ll talk to him. Why do you have to leave?”

  “He probably doesn’t want to see me again. I’ll go. It’s easier this way.”

  “Don’t you want to be the chairperson? Why are we doing this?”

  “We’re doing it because we agreed to do it. I’ll tell them I’m not interested.”

  “Are you going to tell Russell you’re leaving here? Are you going to work for him?”

  “I won’t say anything until Duncan accepts my resignation. It’s unprofessional otherwise. I owe him that much respect for hiring me. No, I’m not going to work for Russell. He hasn’t hired anyone yet. He’s stupid. Besides, Duncan has been a fantastic director. I couldn’t work for anyone else.”

  “Then talk to Duncan and stay,” Sherrie pleaded.

  “I can’t.” Meara’s eyes filled with tears. “I need to go.”

  “Then let’s get through this meeting.” Sherrie hugged Meara.

  They set up the meeting room by arranging tables and chairs. They prepared the coffee and refreshments. Meara went to her office to get a pen and notebook. A few of the meeting attendees were arriving. She headed back, her head down. She was so lost in thought she didn’t hear the doors open in front of her. She also hadn’t seen Duncan walking from the Circulation Desk towards the Youth Services Room.

  Duncan kept his distance, but he was following her. This was the first time he had seen her wear a dress. She looked extremely attractive and did indeed remind him of a sex kitten. Jealously, he scowled at the flowers on the desk. He stayed out of sight when Russell came out of the meeting room. Duncan wanted to listen to their conversation.

  “Good morning, Miss Meara!” Russell said, smiling broadly. “May I say you look particularly lovely day?”

  “Thank you,” Meara said dully.

  Russell held two dozen red roses. “For you, Miss Meara. Congratulations on your chairpersonship.”

  She waved him off. “I’m sorry, Mr. McMahon, but I won’t be accepting the chairpersonship. I’ve decided to turn it down.”

  “First of all, please call me Russell. Second, what do you mean? You’d make a great chairperson. These people need you. Meara, if I may call you that, you seem like something’s wrong. Is there anything I can do to help? I hate to see you so upset.”

  Russell surprised her by sounding genuinely concerned. She didn’t like roses, especially red ones, but he was trying to be nice.

  “I appreciate your concern, Russell. I’ve been a little stressed out with this meeting. I realized the chairpersonship is something that would take too much of my time. I’m sure someone else could be persuaded.”

  Russell sighed. “I won’t press you, but I’m disappointed. Is Duncan keeping you too busy? Where is your dear director?”

  “Mr. Phillips is on a well-deserved vacation.”

  “He’s on vacation? This place can run just fine without him I see. I bet no one knows he’s even gone,” Russell chuckled.

  Duncan bristled. He hated when Russell made jokes at his expense. He cringed to think how Meara would reply. He was sure she was still upset with him. She had slipped her resignation under the door. She didn’t want the chairpersonship. She was going to leave the library. It didn’t sound like she was interested in working for Russell. She had rejected the roses, but she was calling him Russell. She might be interested in dating him. Duncan was anxious.

  “Russell, let me tell you something. Mr. Phillips runs this library so well his staff is comfortable with running it in his absence. He has trained his staff to respond to problems if they arise. We’re also free to contact him if we need help. It’s all the signs of an excellent director.” Sounding haughty, she had her hands on her hips.

  Duncan grinned. Even if she was upset with him, she wasn’t going to let Russell criticize him. She was defending him. She still loved him. Duncan came out from hiding and approached them quietly. Russell saw Duncan. Meara was too upset with Russell to notice Duncan standing behind her. She waited for Russell to respond. Duncan spoke first.

  “I’m humbled to know my staff appreciates me so much. I’m a very lucky director. Good morning, Russell.”

  With her back to Duncan, she paled and closed her eyes. She confirmed Russell’s suspicions. Duncan and Meara were together, but at the moment, it seemed as if they were having problems.

  Russell filed away this revelation. “Good morning Duncan. I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll ask your assistant for something to put these roses in for now. I’d still like you to have them, Meara.”

  “Good morning, Miss Meara,” Duncan said softly.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Still in shock, Meara turned to face Duncan. He carried a large bouquet of flowers, similar to the one he had given her on her first day. He wore a dark blue suit with a white shirt and cerulean blue tie. The blue matched one of the colo
rs in Meara’s dress. His hair was neatly trimmed. He looked incredibly attractive and sexy. Her heart racing, she felt dizzy from all the emotions running through her mind.

  “Good morning, Mr. Phillips,” Meara whispered.

  She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she was terrified this was her nightmare and she would wake up to find him gone. Her eyes misted up. She swayed gently.

  “These flowers are for you. I can’t seem to find a vase. I think there’s one in the staff kitchen. Would you help me find it?”

  “Of course, Mr. Phillips,” Meara said, struggling to speak.

  She led the way. He closed the door behind him while she looked in the cabinets for the vase. He came up behind her. He was standing close, but wasn’t touching her. He made her nervous. She couldn’t reach the vase on the top shelf.

  “Here, Lady Meara, hold the flowers. I’ll get the vase,” he said.

  He handed her the flowers and placed his hand on the small of her back. He reached up for the vase, gently pressing against her shoulders. She was crying silently. Placing the vase on the counter, he noticed the flowers were trembling. He lifted her chin to see her crying. His heart broke.

  “Don’t cry.” He wiped away her tears. “I’m sorry we had a fight. I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself better. Please don’t cry.”

  “You don’t need to apologize,” she said, sniffling. “It’s my fault. I overreacted and behaved badly. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without trying to understand what you were saying.”

  He held her face in his hands, aching badly to kiss her dimple. “You look beautiful, but also terrible. Have you been sleeping? You look so tired and you’ve lost weight. Have you been eating?”

  “The hair is too short and I hate dresses. I haven’t been sleeping or eating much. I’ve been having nightmares.”

  “You’re stressed out. We both know why. We’ll work it out. Promise me we’ll work it out,” he whispered desperately.

  “I’d like that very much.” Trembling, her voice was barely a whisper.

  “Go to your meeting. Be chairperson if that’s what you want. We’ll talk afterwards to work this out. Until then, you’re still my girlfriend. Right?”

  “Yes. Why do you ask?” she asked, puzzled.

  “Who gave you the flowers on your desk? Are they from other guys? You’ve changed the way you look. You’ve always been attractive, but now, it’s hard not to notice. You aren’t wearing your wedding ring, so guys might get the wrong impression. I want to make sure I’m still your boyfriend.”

  “Flowers on my desk? I don’t understand. Anne wanted me to get my hair cut and Diana talked me into some new clothes. I’m not wearing my wedding ring, but I’m not encouraging anyone. The flowers are from guys who have children or grandchildren in our storytimes. Oh. I didn’t realize they were flirting with me.”

  “Now you understand. May we clarify you’re still my girlfriend?”

  “So jealousy IS a green-eyed monster. And a big one named Duncan!” she snapped.

  He had to be honest. “It’s true. I’m staking out my territory and making sure I have clear claim.”

  “How very romantic of you, Sir Duncan! Are you sure you don’t want to mark your territory by licking me or peeing on me?” Her eyes blazed.

  Undoing his belt, he pushed her against the counter. “If I’m going to take my pants off, I’d rather do something else to you, but if I have to, I will.”

  “DUNCAN!” she giggled.

  His heart skipped a beat. He grabbed her, pressing her against the counter. He held her face, kissing her lips. She kissed him back. He didn’t want to stop, ever.

  “I was going to the meeting. Now we’re kissing,” she teased.

  “You’re kissing me back.” He murmured, sucking on her bottom lip.

  “It’s the suit. You look delicious in it. I could eat you alive. We should stop kissing,” she giggled again.

  “Okay.” He kept kissing her.

  “I missed you,” she whispered, the tears welling up again.

  “I missed you too,” he said with great emotion. “Do you have lunch plans?”

  “I’m sorry. Yes, I do.”

  He gently pushed her back so he could look into her eyes. “With Russell?”

  Her nose crinkled in disgust. “Never going to happen. With Anne and Diana.”

  “Good.” He kissed her again. “Have you eaten anything this morning?”

  “No.” She swayed in his arms.

  “You need something to eat. You also need a nap, preferably with me.” He kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing close to her.

  “That sounds like a wonderful prescription for what ails me. Thank you, Doctor Duncan,” she purred.

  The kitchen door flew open and Sherrie rushed inside. She saw them kissing and threw up her hands.

  “Oh, thank God! Now break it up, you two. Meara, they need you in there. Russell’s being a jerk.” Sherrie grimaced.

  Meara was still dizzy, but she was calmer. She reached up, kissing him again.

  “Wish me luck.” She winked.

  “You don’t need luck, but I’ll wish it for you anyway.” Duncan watched Meara leave.

  He turned to Sherrie. “Please don’t say break it up. That’s the last thing I want to hear.”

  “Good, because she’s been a basket case since she came back. Patch it up quick or she’s going to wind up in the hospital.” Sherrie patted him on the back. “Tom and Lucy need to see you. And you may want to buckle your belt.”

  Tired but happy, Meara found Duncan after the meeting. She wanted to talk to him, but Anne and Diana would be there soon. He stood behind the Circulation Desk.

  “How did the meeting go?” asked Duncan casually.

  “It went well. I accepted the chairpersonship.”

  He beamed, hoping this meant she wasn’t going to quit. “That’s wonderful. They could use your talents to get them organized. What happened to Russell?”

  “He’s gone. He asked me out to lunch again. I told him no.”

  “Did you tell him you had other plans?”

  “No. I told him I wasn’t interested.”

  He was pleased, but also preoccupied. “I have a favor to ask of you this afternoon. Tom and Lucy had to leave. A good friend of theirs is in the hospital. It’s pretty serious. I let them go. I need help at the Circulation Desk this afternoon. Would you please help me after you come back from lunch?”

  “I’m sorry to hear about their friend. Of course I’ll help. I can skip lunch if you need me that badly.”

  She mistook his distracted attitude for indifference. Her butterflies came back in full force. She swayed.

  “No, don’t do that. You need to eat something. I’ll go to lunch when you get back.”

  “Do you want me to bring you something?” The dizziness made her eyes hurt.

  “I wouldn’t turn down a sandwich.”

  Anne bounded into the library and up to the Circulation Desk. “Hi Aunt Meara! Hi Duncan!”

  He was relieved to hear Anne call him by his first name. It meant Anne hadn’t heard about the fight.

  “Anne, we have to go and come back. I’m needed at the Circulation Desk,” Meara said, wringing her hands nervously.

  Anne followed Meara. A few minutes later, Anne skipped towards him.

  “HI AGAIN, DUNCAN! HOW ARE YOU?” She raised her voice.

  “I’m fine, Anne,” he said quietly.

  “THAT’S GOOD! AUNT MEARA WANTS TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH YOU WANT!”

  “Anne, why you are yelling?”

  “Aunt Meara said as men get older, they have trouble hearing. She said you might be hard of hearing.”

  Instantly annoyed, he asked, “She said what?”

  “She wanted to know what kind of sandwich you wanted.”

  He was glad Anne didn’t repeat the part about being hard of hearing. Meara’s cruel streak was unbecoming. He didn’t li
ke it.

  Through gritted teeth, he replied, “Your aunt knows what sandwich I like. And I’m not hard of hearing.”

  “Okay. We’ll be back soon.”

  As they exited the library, Meara’s face clouded. She could barely look at him. He grimaced, thinking she liked riling him up on purpose. He needed to speak with her, but it was going to have to wait. By the time she returned an hour later, his stomach was rumbling. She looked even more tired than she had in the morning. She handed him a brown paper bag and a bottle of soda.

  “Your sandwich and a bag of chips are inside. There’s a cookie too. Give me a minute and I’ll take over.”

  He watched her, thankful she hadn’t said anything caustic, but the afternoon was young. He was sure she wasn’t done with her sharp tongue. He didn’t understand why she was lashing out at him. Sitting at his desk, he put down the bag and soda. He looked up to see her standing in the doorway.

  “I left an envelope under your door. Did you find it?”

  “Yes, I did. Can we wait until after work to talk about it?”

  “Our personal and professional relationships are tied together. Even if we work our problems out, I’m not sure working here is a good idea. Perhaps it’s best I left.”

  “No. Absolutely not. I won’t accept your resignation. You’re doing a fantastic job here. I won’t let you quit and go work for another library.”

  “You mean quit and work for Russell. Jealousy is an ugly emotion.”

  “Would you work for Russell?”

  “No. I have no desire to work for any other director. You’ve spoiled me for other directors.”

  “Then why do you want to quit?”

  The strain of the fight and separation was taking its toll on her. She was going to either break down completely or run screaming from the building.